Monday, June 14, 2004


I know it may sound crazy, but whenever I see a digital clock reading 11:11 (whether it's a.m. or p.m.), I say a little hello to my mother and the dead boyfriend. (a.k.a. Dan...I call him the dead boyfriend, and some people think it's unneccesary. They tell me I should use his name, and they'll simply know I'm referring to the dead boyfriend that way. But I don't know...I've always called him the dead boyfriend. It feels weird to call him by his name, for some reason. And as he is MY dead boyfriend, I think I should get to call him whatever I want. So, nyah.:P) It's sort of like a prayer thing. I often think the same thought. Usually it's a "Oh! There you are! Hello to you, too! Hope things are well for you both, and keep a good watch over me and the family today, ok? Thanks guys! I needed that..." At home, I say it out loud. In the office, I simply smile, and think the thought, so as to not seem like I've completely lost my mind.

But I don't think it's insane to communicate with the dead. It's changed a lot over the years (dead boyfriend has been gone for 7 years June 27th, and Mom has been gone for 6 as of June 13th) first, I would talk to them - I mean literal conversations. Usually late at night when I was going to bed, and I could feel them with me. I would ask for help with something or other, and I swear they gave me what I needed. Lord knows if this is actually a normal occurrence when one is going through a grieving period, but I'm telling you, it's like the conversations were two ways, and I could hear their responses in my head. That gradually need to feel the comfort of their lasting spirit waned a bit. I still want them around, but I don't long to feel the pressure of my boyfriend's body against mine as I fall asleep (he was there for me in the beginning, though. It was the oddest thing I've ever experienced) or my mother holding my hand as I drive.

I don't know how or when the 11:11 thing came about, exactly. But it's like it's an agreement we all made. I don't think it happened in a dream. But I just remember that I saw the 11:11 on the clock one night, and I was all, "Oh, there you are! How are you? Thanks for saying hello!" I didn't question it then, but now I just wonder why it is "we" came up with it. And it doesn't happen every day. In fact, it varies a great deal. Lately I notice it when I've had a particularly hard day. Just now I saw it, and I realized that they just wanted to let me know that they're thinkig of me, and that's all. The other night I needed it because I was sort of feeling crummy about my personal life. Sometimes, I notice it while I'm driving along in my car, happy as can be, singing along with my Kate Bush, or The Sundays, or Morrissey, or whatever.

I don't know what it is. But I'm so, so glad I have it. Makes me feel like I never really lost them totally. They're still there, going through the happy times, and the sad times, and even the boredom right along with me.

I asked Dan what he wanted to do in life once (when he was still alive, of course). He thought for a moment, and then said, "I just want to live." I think about that over and over and over in my head. All he wanted to do was to experience life. Is he still getting the chance to do that from where he is, I wonder?

When I think of Mom, I just hear her singing...and I feel her love for me. Such a wonderful thing to have had a mom like her. And I treated her like crap! And she STILL loved me! She knows I'm sorry now, though. No question about that!

Enough of that...I need to head graveside this week, which is why they're on my mind so much. I'm just not sure when I can go. Hopefully it won't rain on Saturday...

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