Friday, June 18, 2004

Creating drama...

I'm at odds with myself. All my life, I've been working at making things work for me, and focussing on me and what it is that I've convinced myself I'm supposed to have and want, and deserve. But in doing that, I lose sight of the things that matter for the people around me. And it makes me feel very alone.

I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone, is the thing. And I question my decisions, because I have a great deal of confusion involved, and I don't know if I'm doing "the right thing". I'm 30 years old...and I don't know what the right thing is any more...does anybody, really?

We have to go with our gut, is what I figure. Of course, my gut (as I'm sure most people's does) tells me to do what makes me happy. But this week, I did what I thought was going to make someone else happy. (My gut told me it would work this way, anyway...) And I'm in pain because of it. I don't know how to strike the balance!

All you can do is try to let go, so that you can try to get to some sort of middle ground, and be a part of what's going on, at least. I don't know what's happening, and I don't know what's going to happen. But I know what I want to happen...does that make any sense? Does it mean anything that I know what I want?

There was a Sex and the City episode on tonight that struck a chord with me. Carrie is hanging out with Aiden, and she's feeling something is wrong all the time, and she finally realizes that it's because everything is too perfect. They're having fun together, and they like spending time together, and he's there for her when she needs him, and vice-versa. And then she starts the drama. She creates space between herself and Aiden. She tells him that she needs him to not be so "available". And then she realizes her mistake. She didn't realize how good she had it, is the thing. And in creating the drama, she ultimately screws things up royally. (If you know the series as I do, then you know what happens next...messy mess, is what it all is!)

I feel like I pulled a Carrie this week. I almost feel like they showed that episode for a reason. Which is ridiculous, really. But I'm realizing that no matter how much observing we do of the life around us...no matter how much we learn from the friends and family we are constantly watching for guidance...we are ourselves, and we have our own unique situations to deal with. I may not be as mature as I figured myself to be. And I may not be as kind a person I had pinned myself down as being. I'm still learning, and adjusting, and I'm trying oh so hard to be better and better to those I interact with day to day.

I shouldn't have said earlier that I'm unhappy because I want a boyfriend. I shouldn't have said that at all. I should have said that I'm unhappy because I messed up with my boyfriend, and I know it. The unfortunate thing is that I still have no idea what to do.

Being a grown-up really stinks sometimes...:)

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