Wednesday, June 02, 2004


As Edie Brickell once put it, "I quit, I give up. Nothing's good enough for anybody else these days..."

What is enough? How do you know when you've acheived the "right" level of happiness, or richness, or contentment? Can it be better? Will we wonder if it can be better when we reach what we used to think of as being comfortable, and then strive to acheive even more than we thought we needed in the first place?

Here's my deal today: I am a healthy girl. No abnormalities to speak of, really, except for my eyes, which are just about blind without the help of contacts/glasses. I've never broken a bone, nor have I had any extended hospital stays for any reason ever. The only surgery I've had was to have my wisdom teeth removed. I'm currently 30 years old, my organs are healthy, my teeth are healthy, and I don't appear to have any limiting disabilities to speak of.

I have never been in a relationship with a man for longer than 10 months. There was one, many years ago, that lasted longer because of the whole bounce back and forth, and continue to sleep with one another until we find someone new deal that happens in broken-up relationships sometimes. He finally found his new love of his life 2 years after we broke up. I dealt with it by moving my ass to Kansas City after I graduated from college. Then I dated a boy for 6 months, sort of. I was in love, he wasn't. Story of my life. Then he died. I didn't date anyone again for 4 years. Not a single date. Met my next boyfriend through a work thing. We dated for 10 months. He cheated on me (without me knowing, sneaky buggar), and decided she was the love of his life. They moved in together after we had been broken up for one month. Next guy was only a friend, but I tried like mad to turn it into what I thought it should be...and I'm glad it never developed into anything beyond the friendship, in retrospect. Then there were two very short lived romances. The first one was worthless...the guy decided he felt a physical attraction toward me, but didn't feel anything emotionally. Ookaaayyy...never heard that one before, but whatever. The next one was just plain weird. I even thought I loved him at one point, but that just had to have been the sex talking, honestly. I mean, he was nothing but a great big dud when it came to relationships.

And this all leaves me where I'm at now. In a relationship where I have no idea what's supposed to happen or what's going to happen. And isn't that how it should be? Do I really believe these people who say, "I just knew I'd marry her the moment I first laid eyes on her..." or, "I told my mom that Blah-Blah was the man for me and that we'd be together forever after we'd only been on one date..."? I don't think I do. And do I not believe them because clearly, I've been cursed in some way to live an eternal life without being loved by a man ever? Or do I not believe them because I wish it would happen to me soooo very badly? I'm not 12, nor am I an idiot. I know that love takes time to cultivate and to develope on it's own. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who thought they "knew the moment they saw me" that they were going to marry me. That seems sort of creepy, to be honest.

All I know for sure is that I'm not going to change for anyone. I tend to keep an open mind to the fact that change is inevitable, and that I need to be open to changing myself as much as I am understanding that we don't all change at the same time and the same pace. I hear suggestions people make. I see and meet new people daily that I admire in new and interesting ways. I like the person I've become over the years because of those influences. But I'm always going to be the girl who grew up with rich parents, who had to fend for herself because her twin had a debilitating and potentially life threatening disease, therefore garnering more attention on a regular basis. I will always consider myself lucky compared to most people on this earth. I will always be comfortable with myself, and happy with the majority of choices I've made throughout my life. (There are one or two...possibly even three...that I would change if I could go back and do so. But regret is an ugly thing to face in your head, so just don't do it...)

I want to grow to be a cool old lady that has beuatiful silvery hair, and who lives in a nice home where I will have friends around, and shuffleboard to play, and people to watch after me. If you want to come along for the ride, even for just a little while, then good luck to you, and I hope you enjoy it!

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