Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Run out of gas...

Meh. I've suddenly run out of steam for the day. I want a nap more than anything. Well, a nap where I can simultaneously drink a liter or Diet Pepsi. That would be the optimum scenario.

On a totally different side note, why is it I can feel confused, lonesome, and unsettled all that the same time - and yet I'm not in the least feeling depressed? I think it's odd...you'd think that a person with all that shit going on inside of her would be a depressed mess! But I'm not. I have no idea what to do with my life (my job wears on me every now and then, and right now, it's one of those "why the hell do I still work here" periods), I haven't had a relationship where a man told me he loved me for 10 years, I'm sort of poor (and if you read my last post, then you know I'm contemplating getting myself even further into debt - but only for a really good reason, I think...), and I have very few friends.

But I'm happy? What the hell? I seriously do NOT understand myself. I had less stress and shit going on in my life when I was in high school, and I was contemplating suicide regularly back then.

Ok, this has totally turned into a different post than it started out, but here's what I'm realizing: I craved attention when I was in high school. I felt left out of certain things going on, and it really bothered me. I felt ugly, and like no one would ever want to date me. I didn't know what to do about college, and really wanted to be starting college when I was still a junior in high school, I was so tired of all the bullshit. (High school and I did NOT get along, obviously.)

But now, I've gotten to a point where I can set realistic goals for myself, and then actually achieve them for the most part. (I'm not anal about it...if I realize that a goal hasn't been reached by the time I originally set, I re-evaluate, and adjust accordingly.) I'm happy with the way I look, and if a guy doesn't like it, then he shouldn't date me. I could probably stand to go to therapy in order to deal with some of the little things I deal with...every now and then, I look at a girl I know, and wonder how the hell SHE can be married to a fabulous guy, and I haven't even been able to have a relationship that's lasted longer than 10 months since I was 16. That's bound to be a self-esteem issue that should be worked out before mid-life hits. But the main thing is, I don't crave attention any more. I don't wish that the focus would be on me more than anyone else now that I've reached my ripe age of 30.

But when I do start to freak out, I realize it's somehow associated with a small craving for attention that has creeped up on me without me noticing it coming. And I get sad and mad and confused, and want to burst into tears all at once when it happens. Happened yesterday. And I hate it when that happens.

So I'm trying to ignore it today. Well, ignore it by facing it full on, if that makes any sense at all. I know it's happening again, because I want an e-mail response to an e-mail I sent yesterday, and I still haven't gotten one. And I'm afraid the person will just forget that I said I was hoping they would answer it, and then move on and never get back to it. So instead of letting myself get worked up about it, I'm facing the fact that I can't always get what I want, and leaving someone some space to breathe when they might need it is a nice thing to do. So I can be a freak who's starved for attention, or I can be a nice girl who behaves reasonably. Seems like an easy choice, right? Mm-hmm...

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