Tuesday, August 31, 2004

A mow is like a good lay...

Alright, not really. But I'm shocked at what mowing does to me. Ok, so it's a rather large back yard. It'll be good for the dog I get someday, I hope. In the mean time, it's one hell of a mow, and it takes the juice right out of me. I just don't get it...I'm walking slowly behind a machine that vibrates a good amount. Sure, there are some little hills here and there, and the walnuts from the walnut tree (curse the walnut tree! Fucker is straight outta hell...) create a rather uneven texture in the ground, so it can be a challenge to move the machine easily from time to time. But for the most part, again, it's slow walking behind a goddam motor that's chopping stuff. I don't understand why it gives me such a workout!

Changing Spouses was good tonight. I won't tell you that it made me cry at times, because then you'd think I was a total asshole, if you didn't already think that.

Oh, and in case anyone has ever wanted to see Mount Vesuvius, you can make arrangements with me either through my comments section, or via e-mail, because it's apparently decided to move onto my face. My right cheek, to be exact. Should be here for about 2 more days, so make your reservations while you can!

Loving reality...

Tonight, "Switching Spouses" on Fox will be doing something new...they're switching the dads out instead of the moms! I'm so excited!

So my plan is to head home, change into lawn mowing clothes immediately, mowing the back lawn (shut up. I know I've said I was going to mow it about 80 times in the past 2 weeks, but I never have gotten around to it, and I can't afford the fucking service to come and do it, so I have to suck it up and get my overalled ass out there once and for all...), and then settling in for a two hour Switching Spouses bonanza. I only hope it's as good as that new Malibu Condo show thing they had on last night. Those people are total idiots, man.

My mind is a total blank. (Yeah right! I wish!!!)

I'm having a hard time again today. My boss needs to talk to me about something that is totally not a fair situation for me, and my co-worker has what I must imagine is some form of laryngitis and when she coughs, it sounds like hell, and is just very, very unpleasant to listen to all day long, and she can't answer the phone anyway, so she might as well not be here. She keeps calling me and talking to me, and I keep yelling at her to stop fucking talking!!! And I am dealing, yet again, with stupid questions from the field of employees we have.

I just called this woman who had called here on Sunday (never mind that we're not even open on Sundays, or that we're not even the right office to call for her issue...), and had to explain to her how I wasn't going to be following up on an issue that she feels is a bit fishy, because, um, I'm not the one with the goddammed complaint! If you think our company was trying to pull the wool over your eyes, then take it upon yourself to complain about it, duh! Here's the problem: she was dealing with a broker (a third party lender who is going to charge you fees outside of the fees we already charge for the loan, because otherwise, how the hell are they going to make money??) who was obtaining a loan for them through my company. They were getting a $23,000 loan. They were somehow being charged $10,000 in fees for obtaining the loan. Shocked the hell out of me, too. But for some reason, she's bothered by the fact that none of us seem to care that this wasn't "flagged" as being out of the ordinary on her closing documents. Ok, first of all, they might be legitimate fees for whatever program the broker had decided upon for them. We don't deal with brokers on my side of the house, so I don't know how they work, really. Secondly, we fund over $8 - 13 BILLION in loans every month. Do you really think I'm going to chase down an issue to find out why someone didn't find this situation out of the ordinary when (a) it wasn't even a loan being processed in my part of the company and (b) it was only $23,000 that walked? Oh, and I'm not the person getting the damned loan. She needs to complain to her broker, and maybe the wholesale division of the company. She was really nice about it, but what a dumbass. Grr.

Ok, I'm going to go back to waiting for my boss to get here so he can tell me all the bad things I've done that someone made up about me. I'm so excited!

Monday, August 30, 2004

A double flush is all we ask...

So, if you go to the bathroom, and drop off so many kids that not all of them are able to make it down too cleanly in the first flush, what do you do? That's right...you wait a few, and you do a second goddamed courtesy flush.

Reminds me of that character from Ally McBeal...the guy who had the remote toilet flusher, because he was sort of neurotic about having a clean bowl? Ok, "sort of" neurotic is putting it mildly, I know. He was a mess about it. I'm not that bad. But I do know that it isn't that tough to wait an extra 5 seconds to flush the toilet again before heading out to wash your hands.

I'm all about spreading the courtesy. Tell a friend. Let's help promote the cleanliness of bowls everywhere.

But, hey, at least they managed to keep the seat clean. Haven't had that problem in a while, thank heavens.

It's a busy Monday...

I'm sorry...I had to blog about this. It's been a while since I've read much Dave Barry, but lately, with the political crap going on, he's been at the top of the main page of my local news paper's website every day, it seems. Today's column was funny, and really cracked me up. Check it out. (I didn't have to log-in the way I usually do to read that column today...so hopefully, you won't have to either. But if that link doesn't work for you, please let me know, and I'll find another link to the column that works.)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

So, t.v. is running pretty thin right now. HBO needs to pop up some new movies, Food Network needs to just stop it with the "Unwrapped" bullshit, and MTV has hit an all-time re-run low, running "The Assistant" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it seems. I cannot wait until football season actually starts, when there will at least be a game to watch every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. And then the new season of "Alias" starts in January. Woo!

So yesterday, I was moping and flipping around to see what I could see. And I finished watching a movie on HBO that I've already seen, but it's been a while, and this time I saw it from the beginning, so it was worth it, sort of, and needed something else to watch. But fuck it if another damned episode of "Unwrapped" wasn't on Food Network again, MTV was doing some bullshit awards thing...again, and Style had on an episode of "How Do I Look?" Bleh. But I saw that A&E was going to be showing two episodes of their show "Airline", where they film Southwest Airlines in action at several different airports around the country for our viewing pleasure. Ok, I've been meaning to catch this show for a long time, as I am a reality show freak, and of all airlines to catch in real life like that, I think they couldn't have chosen better than to have gone with Southwest. Last night's shows involved a manager having to tell a gentleman that he smelled too badly to get on the plane (heartwrenching!), another manager having to decide whether to allow a group of 40 (a bunch of kids and a couple of chaperones) to continue on to their destination, as they had been too rowdy on their initial flight, and another man being told that he needed to put on something else (he was wearing a skirt with a thong underneath it. Gross.) if he wanted to get on his flight. Sure, they sprinkled in some other boring crap like the chicks that were flying someplace with a couple of penguins from Sea World, and a seeing eye dog that needed to be walked so it could relieve itself, etc...But for the most part, I really enjoyed the show. I'm glad I was finally able to catch an episode or two.

By the way, there are FAR too many freaks flying on that airline. There was one guy that was dressed in a tiger suit. He wouldn't tell anyone that asked why he was wearing it, and it was driving them all nuts with curiosity. Seemed he just wanted the attention, as far as I could tell. But he was weird. He was being fun with a couple of little kids that were entertained by him in his tiger suit (even took pictures with them making tiger-snarly faces all together...), but that just creeped me out a bit, really. He told one guy that was asking him why he was wearing the suit that "Maybe it's art. Is art life, or is life art?" Um, pardon?

That was my favorite programming that I caught this weekend. OH! Except for Saturday night's flip-fest between the USC/VT game and the Chiefs game that were both on simultaneously in the evening. It was hard to flip back and forth, and it was even harder to watch some of the play choices that USC made in the second quarter. But that ended well regardless (WOO!! GO SC!! I even started teaching myself the fight song so I can sing along every time they play it), and then I was able to settle in and watch as the Chiefs blew their small lead in the last 40 seconds of the game when they allowed the Browns to complete a hearty final drive to score with a touchdown that ran the clock down to zero. Play was extended so they could put a nail in our coffin by getting their extra point with precise ease. Fucking Browns. AND we lost Boerigter probably for the rest of the season to an injury that was caused by him getting his foot stuck in the turf, for crying out loud. And he was one of our best go-to-guy wide receivers, too. I'm tired of hearing the sports folks saying that there's no worse way to get an injury, really. Um, isn't it crappy to get an injury whether you're tackled or whether you get a foot tangled up underneath yourself on your own? I mean, why make him feel like a dope for having caused it himself, or whatever? Either way, it's an injury, so fuck off with your, "...and it's the worst kind of injury, really..." crap. Dammit.

I lu-huuuve football season. And I lu-huuuve it when my teams are running high. USC is number 1!!!! Woo! This year, it's Sugar Bowl or bust, goddamit. And that's all I have to say about that.

Change is in the air...

I've decided that I need to make a change in my life, and start focussing on being happy. Something is wrong with me, and I don't know what. I started thinking yesterday that I wouldn't be missed if I was gone, and I haven't felt like that for a good long time. I talked to the ex-ex-boyfriend for a while though, and it helped a lot...but therapy would definitely be a good thing right now, if I could only afford to find a good therapist!

All I have to do is start realizing that outside forces aren't what's making me feel unhappy. It shouldn't be such a big deal to me that Aaron (date from Friday night) ignores me a couple of days after our first goddam date - we don't even know each other, so why does it matter to me if he rejects me? My reaction is disproportionate to the issue at hand much of the time, I find.

I think it's something that changed when my boyfriend cheated on me 3 years ago, and then moved in with the girl he'd been dating behind my back just a month after we broke up. I'd been doing pretty well up to that point, really. But after that, I fell back to being somewhat desperate and unhappy when it came to love/relationships. And then it was just one guy after another rejecting me. Which, after the discussion I had with the ex-ex-boyfriend last night, makes sense. (He's a big believer in the whole "energy" thing...you know, you put negative energy out there, and it's something that is bound to repel people. I believe that to a certain extent as well...although I haven't studied it nearly as much as he has.)

See, I keep seeing myself as being (not to sound conceited, or anything) quite a prize. I'm relatively smart, outgoing, pretty, have a good job, a nifty family, and all that sort of thing. If I were a guy, I'd see me as being a pretty good catch, is all I'm saying. So I'm confused as to why it is that men aren't choosing to be with me. But I know now that there's something wrong with my logic, and that there's also something missing, emotionally, that I'm not recognizing in myself.

Last night, I discovered that my willingness to change is being hindered by my lack of respect for the change itself. I keep thinking that I've already made the effort. Other people need to change, dammit! It's THEIR turn!! And that's a backwards way of thinking, to put it mildly. Recognizing that roadblock felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I can only find the peace in myself. I can only effect what I'm feeling/my reaction, and not effect what outside forces are going to be thrown at me from day to day. I need to allow myself to feel my own power, and to be in charge of how it is that I deal with negative things that might come my direction every now and then.

But damn if I don't need some good therapy, man!

I promise that posts like this won't be happening often. It's just a turning point for me, so I thought I'd let y'all know about it. My blog might be different because of it. We'll see...

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Geez! Can't a girl catch a break?

Well, seems another one bites it. The fun guy I went out with on Friday? He's completely ignoring me today (MSN Messenger-wise...). So, I guess that's a bust, hm? I have no idea what happened. I probably made the mistake of trying to say hello too soon after the date. But whatever...I don't play that game. And I guess he does. Too bad, really. I liked him. :(

I'm not even in the mood to mow my back lawn now. I'm gonna call the lawn service to come and do it this week for me instead.

*sigh!* Life goes on, right? Gah.

Can't I just pretend like it's 8 p.m., or something?

Ok, is it bad that I wish I could have a beer and a cigarette already, and it's only 10:45 a.m.?

To my defense, I did wake up unusually early for me on a weekend morning (about 8 a.m.), and so it feels like mid-day to me already.

But I still think it's a bad sign that I have that feeling. I clearly need a cleansing of some kind. So I'm drinking orange juice, and just made sure to take my vitamins.

Last night was weird, too. I ordered dinner from a near-by restaurant, and was able to eat the salad I got, but only had a couple of bites of the sandwich before I was so full, I felt like I was going to burst. It was horrible. (But then again, I had a delicious sandwich for breakfast, so I guess it wasn't too bad, overall...)

I'm not going to finish the staining on my deck today. I'm just not in the mood. I will, however, get out there and mow my back lawn before the bunnies set up small bunny-colonies in the tall grass. It's a mess back there!

I'm also finding that I'm having difficulty understanding why attractive men from Match are contacting me. I think it's because I've somehow convinced myself that I'm not their type, because I'm a big girl. And it makes me wonder, did they read the part of my profile that says right out that I have a few extra pounds on my frame (proportionately spaced), and that I'll never be a stick-figure, so they can just move along if that's what they're looking for? Each of the more than averagely cute guys that have contacted me have said that they are looking for thin or athletic and toned women (it's something you can put into the profile of people you're looking for...). So it makes me very apprehensive about getting in touch with them, because I'm neither thin nor athletic and toned. Hm...maybe I should say that to them, and get it over with. If they don't want to talk to me, then they can move along on their merry way...

I'm just wondering where this insecurity came from all of a sudden. My head is broken, I think.

Bleh. :P

Saturday, August 28, 2004

It rained, and then it rained, oh, and then it rained some more...

So, last night was an interesting one. The new Match.com guy (Aaron) and I were supposed to get together for dinner and drinks before he went off to a going away party for one of his friends who's moving back to Iowa next week. But it started raining here at about 6:30. (We were set to meet for dinner at 8...) And when I say it started raining, I mean that the heavens opened up as wide as they possibly could, and dumped an amount of water on this city that was laughable, it was so frightening. I was able to shower at 6:45, as the lightening let up just a bit right then, and then I left the house at about 7:40. The rain had let up a bit at that point, but I would say that about an inch of rain (if not more) had falled since 6:30, and the streets were a mess for it.

Anyway, I made it to dinner, only about 5 minutes late (the cops were redirecting traffic down the street from where I needed to go, as two cars were submerged in an intersection down the street from the restaurant we were meeting at...), and met Aaron. We had dinner, his friends called and said they wouldn't be heading into town for the party after all, and would instead be hanging out at their house due to the rain. So he planned on heading there later, which sort of put a damper on us being able to hang out too late together. But I didn't mind. We were somewhat "trapped" by the rain (I seriously don't think I've seen that much rain fall in such a short period of time ever...) in the restaurant/pub we chose to meet at, so we settled in, made friends with a table nearby ours, and had a good time. The rain had let up by about 11:45, and he needed to bring extra provisions (i.e. a couple more cases of beer...) to the party he was heading to, and he only had about 10 minutes to be able to buy said provisions, so he walked me to my car, kissed me goodnight (woo! Good kisser, yay...), and we went our separate ways.

It was a good night. The ex might just have some competition in this one. He's funny, comfortable to be around, is a grown up when it comes to his houses and his job and the money he makes, but seems like he's still in college mentality when it comes to partying. Although we both agree on the no drugs thing, which is nice. I don't know...there's just something about being around someone who doesn't seem too serious about stuff. It's super refreshing.

Ok, I must continue with the plans for the day, which involves laundry, picking up a scratching post for kitty, and maybe finally mowing my back lawn. That last one is a big maybe, though. It rained an awful lot...I can only imagine how muddy it is out there. OH! And Express has the greatest v-neck long sleeved t's right now, btw. They're sheer, sort of, and great for layering with each other or tanks, and they're only $20! I bought three of them today...black, white, and pink. I haven't seen a good v-neck long sleeved shirt in a while, so I'm quite happy. Woohoo!

Friday, August 27, 2004

A few things...

I don't know when I ingested battery acid, but it's apparently working it's way through my bowels (starting at about 4 a.m.), and making things a little bit uncomfy for me. I feel fine. My ass does not.

The kitty was faking it the other day when she played that whole "I'm mellow! Take me home because I will be the coolest kitty in the world for you to own, scout's honor!" routine. And I have the puncture wounds to prove it to you, if you need evidence of any kind to that fact. She keeps a mellow look on her face, sure. But she flies about and climbs up onto the stove and she plays with the curling iron cord while the curling iron is at a red-hot level...ok, I know that the cat couldn't nearly understand that someday, the stove might actually be on when she jumps up on it, and that the curling iron is also a wand of heated, kitty-burning power, but it's a little obnoxious all the same. Today, I was paying more attention to curling my hair than her, and she decided to launch herself, claws fully exposed, at the left side of my body. She scraped her way up my thigh and got hooked into a piece of my left hip before I could sufficiently remove her from me. GodDAMMIT, that hurt! And it scares the shit out of me when she does it, too. And she does it all. the. time. GAH! It's a good thing I have a strong heart, apparently. No need for a full physical, thank you...I have a kitten to make sure that my blood pressure and heart rate are all at normal levels, and respond appropriately to stress.
I'm sure she'll mellow out as more time passes. But it's clear that the underfed thing really caused much of the mellowness that I was exposed to earlier in the week. In the mean time, she's being shut out of my bedroom while I sleep at night (I'm sorry...but she never settles down, and she bites my head when I try to lie quietly waiting for sleep to come. She bites. my. head. And it does NOT feel good...), and she's getting shut out of the bathroom while I curl my hair, and she is getting shut into the litter box room (along with her fave blanky, of course...) while I eat. Eventually, I'm hoping she'll learn to just leave me alone at those points, and I know she needs attention and all that right now, and I can feel that, for sure. I love lying with her on the couch while I'm watching t.v., I really do. And I wish she could sleep peacefully next to me at night, too, but the little kitty rain dance she does on my face prior to going off slumberland is making it impossible to allow her to stay in the room with me right now. Maddening.
Every once in a while, I respond to a note at work with a "Gracias mucho", or something along those lines. Just the way I am. Well, yesterday, I sent a note to my boss that said, "Gracias senior..." and he wrote me back "Voy el diablo? I don't know if I have the spelling right but it means go to hell." He said he knows it wasn't an appropriate response, but he doesn't know any Spanish other than that. His shit cracks me up, man...
I have a date tonight with the cool guy I was talking to the other night from Match. We had planned on getting together next Tuesday, but he called last night after making the rounds to his softball game and his bowling league, and we chatted for a bit, and he asked if we couldn't get together tonight. I said that I thought we had already discussed it, and as he has a party to go to, neither of us thought that was very appropriate for a first date. (While I am a rather outgoing girl, and am very sociable, first dates are really an opportunity to see someone one-on-one, and get to know them a bit better...which might be tough to do if they're hanging out with friends they've known for eons, and we're both taking shots on a regular basis. It's just not the right atmosphere for it, as far as I'm concerned, and he agreed...) But he said last night that we could get together before the party starts, if I want. And then, if things go well, I could stick around and hang out at the party. Admittedly, the party is starting at a favorite bar of mine, so it seems like it'd be a fun thing to do, if things are going well for us at that point. So he's going to call me later today to make the plans for what we're going to do before the party.
While we were on the phone last night, he started speaking really muffled, and I was all, "What? I can't hear you..." And he said, "Oh, hang on, I'm at a Taco Bell drive through...just a sec." And then he proceded to order a #2 with steak and a Sierra Mist, a grilled stuffed burrito with chicken, and then he asked the guy what was new that was good. I could tell he was pretty buzzed, and I asked him if he was safe to be driving. He said he was. I asked him when he had his last beer, and he said, "I still have it...but I think it's gone. No...hey! There's still some in there! Cool!"
I think it's going to be an interesting date. :)
I have an appointment to have my eyebrows waxed and shaped this afternoon...they are out of control, for sure. The one over my right eye is bigger than the other one, and I can't fix it on my own. I have no idea how it happened, either. But it's a good thing to do, anyway. I haven't really been able to afford it for a while, but it's a necessary evil at this point. People who don't have this service done do not understand what a different it can make to your face. It makes me look more polished and groomed, and even a bit younger, I think. It just helps with the prettyness, really. If you haven't had this service done ever, do yourself a favor, and go have it done by a professional. Spend the $15 or $20 it costs, and you'll understand what I mean about what a difference it makes. It's fabulous...for both men and women alike.
Sorry about the ass thing earlier. It's true, though, so I'm leaving it in the post. :)

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Mood is getting better...

I'm singing along with Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes", and popping bubble wrap.

Could this day get any better?

I hate you, Hertz...you and your crappy Kenny G hold music can blow me.

Not much going on today. I'm currently waiting for a Hertz rep to get off their stinking ass and save me from the torture that is "Kenny G", and his magical flutey stylings. Christ...

I'm in a great mood today. I talked to a very cool guy last night for a while. He's from Match. Of course. He asked me if I was a Match.com "slut", and I have to say that I might just be...I hadn't thought of it that way before, but when he asked me how many men I've dated from it, and I had to guess at that number being 15, or so, it might've sounded kind of bad to a guy who's gone out with a total of 2 women from it. But since I've dated that number of men over the past 2.5 years, I think people should feel sorry for me, really...

Besides, I'd rather be a Match.com slut than not getting any dates at all. Just a personal thing.

Also, the ex-ex-boyfriend called me. Heh. I am tired of hearing him say that a relationship between us is impossible, and that he hasn't changed and that he probably won't in his view of how relationships should be, etc, etc...and he also thinks it's a bad idea for us to "get together" right now, with the way I'm feeling. So I sent him an e-mail yesterday that said I think it's ironic that he would have no problem coming to my aid and sleeping with me when I said that there are no strings attached, but now that he knows that I have these feelings, and all, suddenly, it's a moral issue? I didn't call him a jackass straight out, but he's a smart guy...he's bound to catch the implication. And bingo! He calls me and asks me what I mean by saying that. And I said it means exactly what it says. Now, he's also calling while I'm deeply engrossed in an IM-ing conversation with new Match.com guy (see paragraph 2 above), so I want to get off the phone with him and continue my flirting - hence, being blunt was my game-plan at that point. He finally asks me, basically, if I'm still up for fooling around. I tell him the sex really doesn't have anything to do with what I'm feeling for him right now, so hell yes, I am. He asks me what time I'm usually going to bed these days. :)

I won. HA!

I don't know when he might plan a drop by for some fun, or whatever. I also told him several times that he would have to be the one to call me as I am deleting his numbers from my phone, so as to cut down on late Friday night lonely, drunk calls to him asking him if he wants to come over. I'm keeping them safely at the office, as I'm rarely interested in calling him during the day while I'm here, and by the time I want to call him late at night, I'd have to come all the way to the office in order to get his numbers out of my Franklin. And on Friday or Saturday nights, that'd be a dangerous and daring thing to do, as I've usually had about 5 or 6 beers by then...

I realize that there might be younger readers (i.e. about 15 or 16, maybe...) of this blog, and as they are at an impressionable age, I want to make sure I say something to help them out: my behavior is what I consider to be normal for a 30 year old unmarried woman who has had nothing but somewhat short long-term relationships since she was allowed to start dating at the age of 16. I know you guys are watching Sex and the City re-runs, and let me tell you, those women are even older than I am, and you see the crap they go through, right? (So what if they're fictional...) Yeah...don't let anyone tell you that YOU can't have relationship fun like this when you're 30 - 35 years old. Or that you shouldn't. I have always been very adamant about my desire to wait until I am over 30 to get married for the first time, and I will always stand by that fact. Have fun! Fool around with different guys (or girls, for that matter)! Get out there and experience what lust and love and all that crap can offer. Ask the Twin...she got married when we were 23 (Am I right Twin? We were 23?). And she has two adorable and funny girls to show for it, but she's also just now getting out there and doing the dating thing for the first time in a long time. (She's divorced now...so it's ok for her to do the dating thing, by the way...) Also, I do want to assert the fact that I am ready to settle down at this point, but I haven't found a man that is willing to settle down with me, or that is compatible enough to be able to do something like that with, etc...so really, my sexual forays and my general dating behaviors are just a "side-effect" of this search, I think. As sick as this may sound, with each man that comes into my life, I still do the thing I did when I was 16 years old, and started crushing on a new boy: "I wonder if this is the man I'm going to marry?" And then I start putting my first name with his last name to see what it sounds like together. At one time (when I was 27, mind you...), I was dating a boy who's last name was "Jones". And at work, I go by the name "Jenny". Yeah. I would have been Jenny Jones if we'd gotten married. Bleh. That was NOT going to happen, dammit. So he and I couldn't get married. (He also wanted children and I don't, and he turned out to be a closet racist, and a cheater, so it wasn't just the name thing, FYI. I'm not that big of a dumbass...)

Anyway, my point is, I'm having a good time of it. Yes, I think it sucks that I have to meet some losers and assholes along the way in my search. But I also meet some pretty cool guys that it sucks that I can't mesh with better. And I'm still able to back off for little periods of time and look at what I'm doing, and make sure I'm still ok with who I am, and that I'm ok with the consequences to my actions. Because that's what common sense is all about, man. And don't you forget it!

God, I wish I could be funnier when I write this stuff! Sorry I'm not...I'm still reading this blog, for the most part, today, and I'd give anything to be able to write like that. His shit cracks me up.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Oh, I don't believe this...

Ok, I've lived in Kansas for a total of 5 years now...although one of those years happened in 1996-1997, it adds up. Anyway, we are under yet another threat of tornadoes tonight, and I'd just like to know what the HELL is going on here, people!? I just don't think that I've seen this kind of weather in August ever in the 5 years I've been here. It's not making any sense.

Pray for the folks that live south of Topeka. They've got one bearing down on them as we speak. Thank goodness it's not hitting Topeka itself. One good thing about tornadoes touching down outside of metro areas in Kansas and Missouri is that there aren't too many people living out there.

We're just under a damaging storm watch in my area. It's not looking good for later, though. Perfect mix of humidity and heat coming together to form weather that adds up to hail, wind, and possible tornadoes. I might be sleeping under the bowling alley again tonight, is all I'm saying.

And don't ask why I live in Kansas. It's hard to explain, and weather like this truly doesn't happen all that often. Plus, I find it's kind of like flying when you're sort of afraid of it. The more you expose yourself to it, the more used to it you probably will become. And I've definitely gottne more used to it. The other night, I sat on my couch, which happens to be right next to my front window (facing the direction the storms come from, I might add...), as the sirens warning of a tornado possibly being in the area went off. I used to be in my closet when there was just a thunderstorm warning in my area. But fuck it, I say. If I'm meant to be sucked up and spit out by a tornado, hell if being in my closet will stop it from happening.

Ok, thunder and lightening is in the area, so I'm shutting this baby down. Can't afford to fry my computer, you know? Ooh! Wait...I just got a note from a guy I've been wanting to hear from on Match.com a second ago. I'll check that out, and THEN I'll turn off the computer. Happy weather to you all! Bah!

It's raining AGAIN!! Gah!

Just to kill some more time, I thought I'd do this meme I found at Chickrawker. Because work is a sideproject to blogging today, apparently.

1. Your name spelled backwards.
See my first post earlier today about the old boyfriend...we called each other by our backwards names, for some reason. Mine is Refinnej. (Which gives away my "real" name, but oh well...)
2. Where were your parents born?
Ohio, I think.
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Anti-virus shit. And it didn't work, either. But I paid for it, which really pissed me off. It's still telling me that my anti-virus shit is going to expire 2 months ago. Have I called anyone to find out what to do? Um, no. Shut up...
4. What is your favorite restaurant?
Oohhhh...this is hard. Favorite one that I regularly go to? California Pizza Kitchen.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
On vacation in Eureka Springs in May.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
Yes...several. I was a drama/musical freak in junior high.
7. How many kids do you want?
8. Type of music you dislike most?
Toss up between rap and country. But I hate to admit that if I was forced to choose at gun-point, I'd have to say rap is the one I dislike over everything else. OH WAIT!! Oompa music makes me want to tear my ears off my head. I've never attended an Oktoberfest, and I never will.
9. Are you registered to vote?
10. Do you have cable?
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
12. Ever prank call anybody?
Not since I was about 8, I think.
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
I lived in LA for 4 years during college...what do you think? (And the answer is yes, for those of you who have actually succeeded at living in LA without ever getting a ticket. I swear, sometimes, they installed those "No parking during 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. on Tuesdays for street cleaning vehicles" signs after I parked there.)
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
I don't think so. I'm not very adventurous like that.
15. Farthest place you ever traveled.
Farthest from where? This question makes no sense. But the farthest I ever travelled from where I lived at the time was from LA to Paris. And then I went to Germany from there one weekend, and as Germany is further from LA than Paris is (isn't it? Shit...), I'll have to say it's the farthest I've ever travelled.
16. Do you have a garden?
Sort of. I have a yard with plants and some flowering plants in it. I wouldn't call it a garden. And I don't think the plants like me very much, by the way...
17. What’s your favorite comic strip?
Calvin & Hobbes forever, babay!
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Sure do.
O-oh say can you see by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming who's broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight o'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming. (I'm really typing this from memory, in case you think I went someplace and cut and pasted it from the net...) AND THE ROCKET'S RED GLARE (*symbols crash*), THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR (*symbols crash*), gave proof through the night that our flag was still there! Oh, SAY...DOES...THAA-AT...STAR...SPANGLED...BAA-AA-NEE-EER YE-ET WAAAA-HAAVVVVVVE......O'er the LAA-AAND of the FREEEEEEE! And the HOME! Of the! braaaaavvve!
I added the special punctuation and emphasis on certain words myself, because that's how I'd sing it if ever asked to do so. Hope you enjoyed it. It sounded fabulous inside my head...
19. Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
The Bourne Supremacy.
20. Favorite pizza topping?
Artichoke hearts, capers, and green olives. Oohh...and throw some proscuitto (sp?) on that baby to make it perfect. Woo!
21. Chips or popcorn?
Chips. But I eat lots of both, really.
22. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
Rosey colors...right now, my fave is L'oreal Endless Liquide in Bottomless Latte. It's more rose than brown on me.
23. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
Hmmm...what the hell does this mean? No I've never smoked peanut shells. I have tried to smoke other things, though. Junior high was an experimental time for me and the Twin.
24. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
25. Orange Juice or apple?
I like apple more than orange, but I drink orange more than apple, m-kay?
26. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
My Old Best Friend, E, at The Blue Moose.
27. Favorite type chocolate bar?
Mounds. Dark chocolate and coconut? Is there anything else that's important in this world?
28. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
Don't kill me, and don't send hate mail...it was in the last presidential election. Local issues don't effect me in the least. At least not until they open the voting up to the Kansas side in November for the question on whether we should allow them to raise taxes to pay for the install of a new sports complex in downtown KC. It sucks that we couldn't vote on it in the primary, and as soon as I knew that I couldn't I said fuck it.
29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Not recently, I can say that much.
30. Have you ever won a trophy?
Mm-hmm...I was on a swim team when I was a kid, and I also won some at gymnastics, too, I think. Don't know where they all went. Although, I still have the one for the soccer team the Twin and I were on for about a day when we were 5, or something. It was a "great job! you showed up!" kind of trophy. Not a trophy for a major win, or anything.
31. Are you a good cook?
Not really. But I try! (I can barbecue stuff pretty darned well...)
32. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
Are there people that don't? I mean, how hard is this function? Put the pump in the hole and lift the handle. If you can drive the goddam car, I certainly hope you can figure out how to fucking gas it up.
33. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
Yep...6 Week Body Make-Over. And it worked pretty well, too.
34. Sprite or 7-up?
35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
Yes. I worked at a Baja Fresh-type place in high school that required one, I worked at Ruby's in both Palos Verdes and in San Juan Capo, and we get to wear cute little red-striped dresses there, and I also worked at Johnny Rocket's in the Century City Mall food court. Oh, and the water park I worked at required a red bathing suit and dark blue or black shorts be worn. Does that count?
36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Does the pharmacy-section count? Advil and contact stuff.
37. Ever throw up in public?
Yes. Twice. Although one of the times, it was very late, and only my friends saw me do it. The other time, I was sitting on a couch at a party at someone's house, and I just threw up the water I had decided it would be a smart thing to start drinking. All over myself. And as far as I know, only one person saw that happen, and he still tried to get me to sleep with him later, so it couldn't have been as huge a turn off as I would have thought it to be. Gah.
38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
True love.
39. Do you believe in love at first sight?
40. Ever call a 1-900 number?
41. Can exes be friends?
Depends on the exes, and whether they're assholes or not. I'm currently good friends with one ex, relatively ok friends (more like acquaintances...we don't go out together ever, or anything...) with another ex, and then there's the old boyfriend that apparently is still pining for me in LA. We talk. But not all exes make good friends. That last break up was a doozie, and I don't care if I never see that dick again for the rest of my life.
42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
I think it was my ex-ex-ex-boyfriend's mom. 3 years ago? I think that was it...
43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
Nope. The Twin and I were pretty much bald. (Weren't we, Twin?)
44. What message is on your answering machine?
It's the basic "I'm not here, so leave me a message" crap that boring people like me have on their machines. I should change that sometime. Just to mix it up. Hell, it's only telemarketers and ex-boyfriends calling it, anyway!
45. What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
Anything that Phil Hartman did. Especially when he was playing t.v. announcer-guy-types. Man, he was such a tragic loss, it hurts to think about it.
46. What was the name of your first pet?
Hammo. It was a hamster. Creative, no?
47. What is in your purse?
Money, gum, and lipstick. Der.
48. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
Have a beer, and watch the last re-run of Friends for the day.
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
That I have the time and the flexibility to be able to screw off like this at work. Woo!

I've found the place I'll be hanging out at for the next couple days...

I don't know what drove this guy to comment on my blog post yesterday about my cat, but I thank the stars above that he did. Good God in heaven, his shit is cracking me up! I've spent the last 2 hours of my morning reading his archives from February and March, and I am looking forward to reading the rest of them. Go check him out...it's worth your while, I think. He's foonay....

Salguod and Refinnej

I had an old boyfriend call me last night, sort of out of the blue. I was wondering where he'd gotten off to, since I hadn't spoken to him since around May or June. He's one of those old boyfriends that doesn't really fit anywhere any more. I haven't seen him in over 8 years, and even then, it was scary how much I didn't care for him as I had for so long...

I met him when I was out with my sister one night in Laguna Beach at a favorite hang out of mine...can't remember the name of the place for the life of me, but it was an 18 & over "bar" where they played heavy-based techno music, and we all danced ourselves into a frenzy on the hard cement floors/podiums. I was 17 at the time (we'd been going there all summer...the door guy knew our faces, and we didn't have to use the help of older friends to get in any more at that point), and it was the summer before my senior year in high school. It was dark...it was cool away from the dance floor...it had a uni-sex bathroom, sort of. It was very chic for Laguna Beach in the early 90's, I think. I mean, the town is known for it's high population of homosexual men and it's coffeehouses. Not everyone was aware that across the street from the entrance to the Festival of the Arts, there was a dark little club where kids aged 16 to about 27 or 28 were dancing the night away to some of the most powerful music that existed at the time. (IMO, of course. I loved the way I felt when I danced to techno...but I digress...)

Anyway, I saw Doug come in...he was with a couple of people, and he was across the room from where I was resting with my sister. Even through the dark, I could see that he was someone that I found extremely attractive. And I could tell that somehow, I had caught his eye, too. I don't remember how we started talking...he came up to me and asked me an inane question, I think, and it just took off from there. My sister called her boyfriend, and he came to pick her up. She wanted to go home, and I obviously did not, so she left the car with me, and her boyfriend took her home. I think Doug and I stayed until the place closed. Then we talked for a while over my car in the parking lot. He stood on the passenger side, and I was on the driver's side...I think I had assumed he was going to head to his car and take off, or something, and that's how we wound up that way. Turned out that the friends he'd come with had been bored in the club, and so they took off to drive around town. These were the days before everyone and their dog had their own cell phone, and he had no way of getting a hold of them, so I (in my 17-year-old naivety) offered to drive him around to find them. Ok, it's about 1:30 a.m. at that point, I'm going to be lucky if my mother doesn't first kill my twin for going home without me, and then me for coming home so damned late, but I could give a shit, right? So we get in the car, and we start to drive around. Damned if we didn't run into them a few minutes later...they really were just driving the hell out of his car through the windy little streets of Laguna! I flashed my brights, and they finally pulled over to see what the hell I was following them for, and Doug got out and showed them that it was him just trying to catch up to them. I gave him my number, and said good-bye.

Holy hell! The next 5 years were a living nightmare of emotions for me. Initially, I was convinced that Doug was "the one", of course, and told myself that if he asked me to marry him, I would do it in a second. I don't know what I was high on. (I was 17, though, so I suppose that might've had a lot to do with it at first...) I mean, yes, we had things in common. He likes to read, he loves Morrissey, and I could always count on the fact that we were watching re-runs of Golden Girls at the same time. He even liked old movies like me. But he didn't want to be with me as a boyfriend should. We dated often. We made out passionately. My freshman year in college, I finally had the opportunity to stay over at his place. He wouldn't sleep with me, though. I don't know why, and I don't think he did (or does), either. That was the only time I ever stayed in his bed. (Doug, by the way, is about 7 years older than me...he was in his mid-twenties when I met him, and his late-twenties by the time things started going horribly wrong...)

Then, my sophomore year in college, I met a boy who liked me, and I really liked him, too. We fell hard for each other, even though I was still going through the back-and-forth bullshit that was Doug. I liked that a boy that I was attracted to finally liked me back, and was very up-front about how he felt about me. It was wonderful. (Even though he was a Scientologist...which is a story for another blog day.) Anyway, I cut Doug out of my life then. I still have the letters he sent me after that happened...sometimes 3 of them would arrive on the same day. If letters could scream, these were doing it. He told me I was throwing something beautiful away, and that he couldn't believe I would do that to him, etc. It was horrifying. I mean, not only had I been trying to get him to just like me back the way I did for the past 3 years, but now that I finally had someone else in my life, THAT was when he decided that he wanted to be with me? I told him that he just wanted what he couldn't have, and brushed him off as best I could.

But we remained in each other's lives somehow for the next 2 years. I went through horrible relationship crap with the boy I fell for my sophomore year (I still refer to him as "my favorite boyfriend"...), and after our first 11 months together, we were done, but then we did the whole get back together every 3 months or so thing, sleep together, fuck with my head, and then leave me alone again deal. It was soooo much fun! Bleh.

So I graduated from college. I moved to Pasadena. And I called Doug to see what was going on with him. We got together for a drink. He joked about things, and about me, and I realized that the spark wasn't there any more. I was so depressed about everything that was going on that I moved to Kansas. As long as I was in Pasadena, nothing was going to change for me. I was still driving around town, hoping to run into my ex-favorite boyfriend, and not being successful. I didn't have a good job. Living with my brother (and his frightening girlfriend) was slightly less fun that what I would imagine hell to be, and so I picked up, and I moved east.

It's been 8 years, and I still think of Doug often. Why was the timing always so bad? Did I just not feel a spark when we last saw each other because of my state of mind at the time? Was it just childish lust that drove me to want to be with him in the first place? Is he still "the one"? And apparently, he can't get me out of his head. I've never heard that from him before. He said it last night, though...and I could tell he wanted to take it back as soon as he said it. But the thing is, he lives in LA, and I live in Kansas. We can say whatever we want to each other, because we can't afford to even fly someplace to get together and see if there's anything that can be salvaged from the pile of crap that we left behind 8 years ago...I don't mind hearing that he thinks of me all the time, and possibly regards me as "the one that got away". He wants to get married and have a baby. He's finally reached that point in his life where he wants to settle down, it seems. And he can't find another girl that he wants to do it with, ironically.

So that's the story of Doug - abridged version. We have sooo many memories together. And when I'm alone, he's the one I think of a lot of the time. We always said that we would be one of those couples that would reunite on Oprah someday. (She used to do silly shit like that back when she first started...) We always said that we'd meet again sometime, and I think we will. Lord only knows when, though.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Is Spring a do-over, or something?

Where in HELL did this weather come from? Feels like April or May out there, and to be quite honest, I don't like it. Tree branches everywhere, and thunder waking me up in the middle of the night, and shit. It was hard to fall asleep with it last night, even though I was wearing my earplugs. Then when I woke up at about 3:45 a.m. due to a rather large and sudden clap of thunder that shook my house, I went out front to see what was going on, and woke the cat up. (She had decided to stay on the couch when I went to bed last night...) She then tortured me for the next 20 minutes or so, wandering around my dark bed, pawing at my face, playfully biting at my hands and feet, and then finally settled down next to my pillow. Thank goodness! I needed sleep, dammit! But she is very sweet. And at least she only weighs a few pounds...I just don't want her to get used to wandering around my head while I'm sleeping too much because when she does get bigger, that will suck!

But she must've been starving this morning, or something (and to be honest, I didn't feed her an overwhelming amount last night, because I didn't want her to stuff herself and get sick...the building management had fed her a whole scoop of tuna salad from the deli when they found her, along with the milk, so a little dry food was all she needed, I thought...), because as I was getting her food ready, she took a flying leap at my back, climbed up over my shoulder and got onto the counter, she was so excited about the prospect of food. I had to put her in her litter box room and close the door while I got my breakfast together (tuna on toast with sliced tomatoes...), because even though she had eaten her own kitty food, she kept jumping up on the counter and trying to get more. Kitty in my tuna? I don't think so. Plus, I needed to eat in peace. She's so good, though...she meows for a while, and paces along the door, and then after about 5 minutes of that, she mellows the hell out. (Hence the appropriate name...) I love it. And I've already established what blanket belongs to her, and she seems to enjoy it, which is nice. It's working out well so far. (And no, Tony...I am not planning on keeping her just to have something to torture. She's a cute little fuzz ball...I can't torture cute little fuzz balls...I reserve my torture for the men I date. :)

Monday, August 23, 2004

Mellow kitty...

The building management sent a notice to my boss that they found a kitten in the parking garage earlier today. My co-worker and I decided to go check it out, even though I'm not really in the market, and she already has 2 strays she's been trying to get rid of. Long story short, I'm taking a kitty home with me tonight. She's orange and brown and dark brown, and has great big ears and seems a bit skinny. Co-worker estimates her to be about 12 weeks old. When we went to visit her in the management office, I sat down, and she promptly climed right into my lap, and curled up and fell asleep. Oh, first she burped in my face, though...they fed her milk, not knowing that it's not a good idea. I'll deal with that later, I'm sure.

Her name thus far is Mellow Kitty. I have to go and buy kitty stuff on my way home tonight now. And I'm guessing that I'll be worried enough about her to need to run and check on her daily for a little bit while she's getting used to my house as her home. *sigh!*

Truth is, I've been thinking about getting one for a while, for the companionship and for something to take care of, and all that. But my last cat was a living nightmare that was sad to get rid of, but sort of relieving, you know? She was bulimic (like to the point of me getting home from work every day and looking for where she'd thrown up that day while I was out...sometimes, she'd thrown up 2 or 3 times...the doctors couldn't figure out what her problem was. It sucked...), and she peed on every couch/chair/piece of furniture I owned, including the borrowed ones. I found her licking my toothbrush one day, and I lost it. I didn't speak to her for 3 days, and every time she came near me, I walked away. It was really best for her that way. We got through it, and when I had to move to Boston and give her up, it was still a very hard thing to do. I really hope she found a home where she's happy.

But I've been hesitant to get another cat due to my experience before...obviously, it wasn't a very good relationship that I had with my cat. I want a cat that will be friendly and inquisitive, and who will only be wary of strangers for a couple of minutes before they warm up to them. This one curled up in my lap and fell asleep two minutes after I "met" her. Yeah, it's hard not to want to take that home. So I am. :)

The old man is snoring...

Wow...it's really coming down outside right now. Making me glad that I (a) was not able to escape the office to go grab a salad for lunch like I had wanted, and (b) finished putting the stain on my deck at around noon on Saturday. Rain yesterday would've sucked. But after 48 hours, it's safe, according to the can. I had wanted to put my barbecue and my deck furniture back out there tonight, but it looks like it might have to wait until tomorrow. AND I never got around to mowing last night...was planning on doing it today, but oh well! There's always tomorrow. That grass isn't going anywhere. And it's been dry enough lately that it's hardly grown much anyway.

Thunderstorms during the day are ok. 2:30 a.m....not so much.

Update to the Match.com guys: Mr. Pretty Boy "I love your smile" guy wrote me back at some point last night. I can't wait to see what he has to say this time. "I have a big family..." maybe. Or perhaps he'll switch gears and totally send me a novel. That'd be fun.

Mr. Christ-love wrote me back as well. He said that he's written to 100 women, and heard from only 3, including me. Ok, this could have something to do with his writing style (puts things into parenthesis when they shouldn't be...bad punctuation...sentences that go nowhere, etc...), his picture (um, it's not a very handsome one...and he admits that he knows that in his profile), or the fact that he lives in BFE (out by the Lake of the Ozarks, apparently. Someplace called Warsaw? I don't know either...). Anyway, I'm going to offer him a couple more helpful tips and then send him on his way. He already changed his subject line of his profile from "Nice guy seeking Christ-centered woman..." to something much more user-friendly. Hopefully that'll get him somewhere. But that picture needs to be taken away and replaced with something better. Fo sho!

I wrote a good long bit about Match.com earlier, and about how I don't understand these people that send out hundreds of notes to 100 different people, and only get back a couple of responses. I can't imagine the feeling of rejection that would fill me with. And I can't even find 10 guys that I'm attracted to, much less 100! And I've dated at least 2 of those 10!! Anyway, Blogger ate up my entry, and I was mad. Watch, it'll probably show up after I've posted this one. Because it sucks like that...:)

More Match Stories...

Update on the blank e-mail guy I wrote about yesterday...he wrote me back and said that he has written to over 100 women. And he has had a total of 3 responses now, including mine. And I hate to burst his bubble, but I don't plan on going out with his ass. He lives at the Lake of the Ozarks for chrissakes! And he's not at all my type. But I sure hope I helped him a bit. I don't know how to tell him that he needs a better picture to put up. I've been hearing it for a while from the ex-ex-boyfriend, and I think I finally have a picture that caught my cuteness just right posted up there. But I'm not as photogenic as I used to be, and I hear more often than not that I "look better in person" than I do in my pictures. I'm tired of it. Anyway, someone needs to tell this guy that he needs to get a better photo up. I mean, he's not terribly ugly, or anything...he just looks squinty and in motion in the photo he has out there. It needs fixing.

My point was that I cannot imagine (a) writing to over 100 guys, and (b) only having a couple of responses to such an attempt to communicate with people. I've heard that from a couple of people now, though. My friend that I met on Match when I first started using it is like that...he'll send out notes to 50 or 60 girls, and see what kind of response he gets. First of all, that's tacky. Secondly, what the fuck is the point? Can they really be attracted to all of the women they're writing to? Or are they just e-mailing to see who might bite? I tend to only write to the guys that show interest in me first these days. Match allows you to "wink" at people for free, which gives you the opportunity to either wink back or to go ahead and send a note on to the person. I winked back at two guys last week...one of them was the "love your smile" guy (who wrote me back at some point last night, and I can't wait to see if he wrote more than one sentence this time...), and the other one was slightly less attractive than what I'd usually go for, but he's tall, and he seems intelligent and fun. Of course, I heard from pretty-boy relatively quickly, but I hadn't heard from the other guy. So I sent him a note saying that I was surprised that he hadn't responded to my winking back at him yet...I gave him my e-mail address and told him that if he wasn't a subscriber, then he could write me there instead. And he did. I'm glad I took the time to do that, because he's showing himself to be very witty, and it looks like he's gonna be fun to get to know.

But my point is, I communicate with two, maybe three guys at a time out there. I did try to show interest in one other guy - I started it by winking at him, and didn't get anything back. So I sent him a note on Saturday just in case. He still hasn't written back. So he's either not interested, or super-duper busy, and I'll hear from him later this week. But I doubt that it's anything other than him not being interested, really. So I'll let that one go. Right now, I seem to have two guys that are interested, and that's enough for some fun playing, in my book. Even if it only works out that the one guy wants to get together for a date, it's worth it to me. But I simply cannot fathom writing to 100 guys, in hopes that a few will want to write me back. That just seems nutty to me. Opening myself up to rejection in those proportions is likely to send me into a tailspin that might take me quite some time to get out of. Plus, I don't think there are more than maybe 10 guys that I find attractive out of the 500 that come up under my searches out there, and I've dated 2 of them already!

Also, I do NOT understand what the issue is with the whole internet dating stigma...why are people embarrassed about admitting they do it? It's just another way to meet people, really. What's the big deal? I recently heard that my ex-boyfriend was telling people that we met through his work. Yeah, I wrote to his ass on Match, and we went out and had a great time. Why lie about it? My best friend also had an issue with telling people about how we originally met, and I could never understand it. But I try to respect it, for the most part. The question doesn't come up so much anymore for us, but I still don't understand the discomfort. Especially these days...it's just an accepted form of meeting other single people, I think. I have yet to run across a freak of any kind, or a married guy who's cheating on his wife, or anything along those lines. It's a safe and fun way to meet men, IMO.

I'm convinced that if I'd had to live life in the 1850's, I would have either been stuck with a man who only wanted me for my money, or I would have grown to be an old spinster woman who lived with 15 cats. Gah...

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Our Lord, Christ Jesus...

I'm a Match.com person. It's where I've met the last 4 boyfriends I've been with over the past year, and I met one of my best friends on it about 2 and a half years ago. It's been a fun thing to do every now and then. One of the first things I do after a break up is go and activate my profile. Nothing picks up a girl's spirits quite like a stranger telling her they love her smile, or someone saying they think she's adorable.

I am living in hermit-mode right now, but while I wait to see what's going to happen with ex-ex-boyfriend (and while I decide whether that's even something that would be a good idea...), I'm looking to date other guys. You know, just get out and have a drink or two, maybe some dinner, a fun chat, and that sort of thing. You never know what's going to happen, I think. And while it's a challenge to make things fun when you're as single as I am, I find that Match.com has made it exceedingly easier for me over time.

So this adorable boy wrote me the other day...and I don't get it. He's 6'1", fit, has a very cute face, and a good job (apparently). He does say that one of his turn-offs is sarcasm, so I'm not sure if that would be a big clue to let him go away, but whatever. I was looking forward to reading his note when I got home (I can't read my personal e-mail accounts while I'm at work...but I can see when there's something waiting for me in the in-box), and I fired up the computer, logged in to my e-mail, and his note said just this: "I love your smile..."

*blink, blink* Um, aaaannnnd...? I mean, what the hell? I had to subscribe (which I was not planning on doing at this point, but whatever...it's $25, so I could give a fuck, really...), and then I wrote his ass back and made fun of him. Well, I thanked him for the compliment, and then I got super-sarcastic on his ass. Could be the kiss of death, but I don't care. I haven't heard back from him, but it doesn't matter. I don't think that pretty boys like that actually go for girls like me, so it's probably best this way.

Then last night, I got an e-mail from a guy who mentions Christ and talks about Him being our savior about every other line in his profile. His e-mail to me? Yeah, it was totally BLANK! I wrote him back right away and said, "Is this what it's come down to? Not even saying anything in a note you send to a woman you find attractive in some sort of way?" Then I took it upon myself to also say, "By the way, I love the Lord as much as anyone, but to make your profile all about Him is only going to narrow your response factor." He wrote me back almost right away. He said he was sorry for not having written anything in his first note to me, but that he's sent out notes with loads of stuff written in them, and then he wouldn't hear anything back. Ok, so he decides to send notes out that say nothing instead? Dumbass. Then he asks me if I think he shouldn't say so much about Christ? So I'm a bit tipsy, and I was watching Girl With A Pearl Earing (fabu movie, by the way...I was quite pleased with it), and I'm feeling helpful and somewhat sadistic at the same time, so I tell him that all I'm saying is that most people (at least the ones I know) like Him well enough...but to mention all that in his profile might limit things a bit for him. But if he's that into Him, then by all means, he should do what he needs to do. I understand that he might be trying to weed out Jewish women, or something, but other than that, why say so much about his faith? Then I go on to say I, for example, am open to loads of different personalities and opinions and likes, etc...I personally have a deep spirituality that most people might not appreciate. Doesn't make me want to date them any less, though. Because, these days, spirituality and personal appreciation of faith shouldn't get in the way of who we talk to/date/convene with. It's the people that don't appreciate the fact that we have our likes and dislikes about certain things that keep things at odds, you know? I haven't heard back from him...not that I want to, really. I mean, he seems nice, but sort of dense, is all.

I just don't get it. What's wrong with men anymore? I did get a note back from a guy today that actually made me laugh a good deal, and he was very clever with some of the questions he asked me, so he's going to be fun to chat with, it seems. I guess the weird ones are making it easier to see why they're single, and why I wouldn't want to go on a date with them ever, but it's just never been this bad, I don't think. Oh, a couple of weeks ago, I got a note from a guy who's screenname is "ThrillaofVanilla". Dude. He? Is a freak and a half! In his initial note to me, he actually called me "babe" and "baby", and then I read his profile, and it was just...wrong!

The dating pool here in KC isn't the best, apparently. I think it has it's pockets of nice guys, though. I've only been on one or two really icky dates, and even those weren't too terrible, really. Just one guy who didn't know how to respect my space (he was all touchy-feely, and I give out definite signals about whether that's what I want when I'm on a first date with a guy, and I was NOT sending him those signals at all...), and another guy who didn't realize that he was as boring as he was, it seemed. I've never had anyone that tried to attack me, or who looked ridiculously different from their picture, or anything. Now that I know what I do about my last boyfriend, it's clear that he needs to adjust his profile a bit. But he probably doesn't realize it. (Says he's big into the honesty thing...Yeah, I guess he doesn't like it when someone lies to him, but he's cool with doing it to other people.) So I'm sort of wary now when it comes to that sort of thing. I mean, I could NOT tell that he was lying to me when he was! So I hope I don't meet another man like that, of course.

But I do have a good time with it. I don't know how I would find people to date if it weren't for the internet dating scene. I made eye contact with a guy at the salad bar at my local grocery a couple of weeks ago. Had he said something, I would've definitely chatted with him. But he didn't. And I wasn't in the mood to be the "starter" that day. But one never knows, I s'pose...

Someday I'll find you...
Moonlight behind you.
True to the dream I am dreaming.

Man, I'm incurable! And now I must go mow my lawn. Bah!

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Saturday night feeva

I'm the most boring girl I know. Today, I stained the deck (woo!) and now only the railings remain to be done. Too bad that's actually the hard part! The tree guy came and cleaned up all the dead wood and hangy branches on several trees in my yard, which was fascinating to watch. And I vacuumed...finally! It's actually been a really productive day. But boring. Oh, I did have two young kids ogle my car at separate times today...one was the kid with the tree guy who watched me back out of my driveway, looking like he was holding himself back from actually reaching out and stroking my passenger door as I rolled past. The other was at the sandwich place...this kid was parked behind my car, and staring at the back end (which made me a bit uneasy, so I kept my eye on him), and then he got out of his car to walk into the sandwich place, and as he walked past my car, he actually bent over to look at it a bit closer, and to peer in my windows. Man, I wish I was as hot as my car is! (It's a 2002 black BMW 325 CI, by the way. 2 door, tinted windows, black faux leather interior. It's my baby. I love that car with all my heart and soul. Just a little something about me that you might not've been aware of...not that you care. :P) I love seeing 13 - 16 year old boys stare at it as though it's a dream car for them. In the first month that I owned it, I was at the car wash, and I hear a kid that I would assume was about 13 say to his dad, "Dad, check out the sweet Beamer. Man, that's a nice car!" I was grinning from ear to ear for the rest of the night. I don't know why it makes me so happy to see people, especially kids, admire my car. Maybe because it's my dream car, and it makes me proud to think it might be theirs, too? I don't know. It gets me downright giddy, though. I pay and arm and a leg for it, so I guess I deserve to be giddy over it, really. Anyway...

Tonight, I will be watching movies, drinking beer, and smoking my life away. I've said my piece to the ex-ex-boyfriend (about how I might have made a mistake breaking up with him, and all, and how I would like him to consider us getting back together again...), and will now go on about my life and let him take the time he needs to figure out whether he can get past being so negative about us or not. (See, he has this thing about not seeing his significant other as his "best friend". He already has one of those, and he doesn't need another one, in his opinion. While it's an odd concept, I think I might understand it more than I used to, and told him that if he can make an effort to include me more in his life with his friends, then I can make an effort to learn about what it is he wants his girlfriend/significant other to be in his life. I think I've changed a great deal over the last 5 or 6 months, and I think our relationship has developed into something different, as well. I'm interested in seeing what happens, and I think he might be too, if he can just get past the negative crap. We have a connection that I haven't had with another man in over 10 years...and I'm just not willing to let that walk away from me right now.) I'm still putting myself out there for other guys at this point, though. So don't think that I'm hanging all my hopes on this one thing. That's not my style these days.

Anyway, that's all that's up in Kansas. Tomorrow will be an even more exciting day with a trip to Home Depot (for more deck stain and for a new bathroom faucet - don't ask) and to the mall to return a skirt. Man oh man! You wish you were me right now, dontcha? :P

Happy Saturday...

Friday, August 20, 2004

And she makes about $10,000 a month, folks...

Ok. I couldn't not blog about this, because it's on my mind, and I want it OUT.

We have a manager that works for us who has a decent base salary, and a bonus she earns quarterly, and so she's grossing about $10,000 a month, in my estimation. (Reminder: I make about $3,100.) She challenges every little thing I tell her about our processes and procedures. Not because she has better ideas, mind you. Not because she's smart and wants to suggest that there might be another way of doing things that might be more efficient. But really it's just because she's the biggest idiot I've met in a long time. And it's driving me...slowly...insane.

Today's challenge actually sort of broke me out of my crappy mood, I think.

I sent a note to all the managers about a new procedure we're following - they send in the background check requests for all new hire candidates directly to HR rather than to me first. They need to fax me a copy of them when they send them, though, so I can stay in the loop. (And it also gives me a chance to help if there are any mistakes made...) So I got one last night, and I noticed that the Background Check Request Form they have to fill out has been handwritten rather than filled out in the computer and then printed out. HR prefers that they be typed, in case of handwriting issues, etc...makes sense, right? Ok.

So I send out an ammendment to my original memo that lets managers know that they need to fill in the info in Excel before they print out the Background Check Request Form and fax it in. Handwritten forms should not be sent in. I told them that it's because it ensures that "handwriting legibility will not be an issue for the background check team in HR." It's very easy to do. I can fill out 100 of the things in an hour, if necessary...shouldn't be a problem, right?

No. My favorite manager, whom I mentioned above, for some reason felt a need to challenge this request. She asked me the following: "If the handwriting is legible - it seems like we could also handwrite it and fax it right?"

I didn't really hesistate in my answer to her. Because this question didn't piss me off so much as it just made me go, "What? No...no, no, no...whhhhyyyyy is she asking me that?" So I wrote her back right away: "No. They request that we type it, print it out, and fax it in that way. Please do what you can to make sure we do as HR requests of us. This is not a rule that I'm making up...it's actually something that HR prefers, and it's a very easy one to follow, really...Thanks."

I forwarded it on to my boss and my co-workers, and said that at this point, one can only really laugh at the woman. GodDAMN she is dumb! My boss says it's like when you read something, and you realize you aren't focussed, because even though you've read it a couple of times, you still couldn't tell someone what you just read. Yeah, this chick thinks like that all. the. time.

She's on her way out, which is why I forward shit like that to my boss...besides the laugh it gave him, which I could hear through our wall that we share.

I think a chimp could probably do a better job than she does as manager of that office. Hell, give me $5,000 a month, and I'll do a better job than she does! It's maddening. But at least it gave us all something to laugh about this morning. :)

No title will do it justice.


That's all, really. I'm alive. But I'm pissy...you don't want to be around me today, is the feeling I'm getting. So I'm going to just go bury my head until this nasty gloom passes, m-kay?

Hope you all have a great Friday...Bye!

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Construction and Zoning

I'm sitting here zoning out much of the time, I've noticed...likely due to the tiredness I feel, and the listlessness that is accompanying it. Staring out my window for the past couple of days, I've had the opportunity to gaze upon the progress of a couple of construction projects that have been happening in the intersection the lies directly in my line of sight. Yesterday, they had blocked off a lane that backed up traffic onto the freeway offramp pretty much all day long. Today, they have a smaller side-street right-hand turn lane blocked, so people have to bunch up in the lane that goes straight only, usually, so it's a mess of people trying to turn having to wait behind people going straight who have to wait for the signal to change to do so.

I just don't understand why they don't do this shit overnight rather than during the day when everyone is out on these roads trying to get where they need to go. Paying for light generators is too pricey, maybe? Perhaps because there are two large hotels nearby that could complain about the noise they make? I don't know. But construction schedules don't make sense to me, I guess. The advantage is that the jobs seem to be little one-day long deals...so it's not like they're causing problems for extended periods of time. But maybe that's what makes them that much more annoying. Like, I'd rather be dodging one big wasp on my backporch than having to deal with the annoyance of a ton of gnats swarming around me.

I'm not making any sense, am I? Sheeit...what a day. I might spare you all the pain of my blogging from this point on today. I'm clearly deep within the depths of quite a mellow funk...the kind that you can't trace to any one real source, you know? Could be PMS, could be that I hate my ex-boyfriend (and therefore myself for having stuck with him for as long as I did...I haven't thought about him in a while, but a conversation I had last night dredged up the nastiness I feel in my heart for him - and don't feel bad about that, if you're reading this. It'll go away, I swear. It'll smooth over again by tomorrow, I'm sure...), could be that I have home-owner issues that are getting to me lately, could be that I haven't worked out, really, in 3 days now. Any number of things, I s'pose. A case of the "mean reds", as Holly Golightly put it in "Breakfast At Tiffany's". Now I just need a cab to swing by and whisk me away to Tiffany's...which, in case some of you may not know, is her cure for a case of the mean reds.

Hmmm...maybe taco salad is my cure for the mean reds. Gonna find out right now...

Bitch and moan. Welcome to my world!

I'm tired and cranky. I'm too bloated to fit into any of my jeans, which makes me feel like I'm Fatty McFatterson, and so I'm sad because my efforts to eat right (well...as right as possible) aren't doing a damned thing apparently.

That's all I'm sad about, though. My focus has shifted from men to my weight and my dissatisfaction with it. Meh.

Oh, and my head hurts.

This is a stellar morning thus far, n'est pas?

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Kick me while I'm down, why doncha?

So, I opened my Sprint PCS bill today. Yeah, between the jackass pilot I was "dating" last month, and all the calls I made for work, I went waaaaa-haaaaay over on my allowed daytime, or "peak", minutes used. Ok, I'm allowed 300 "anytime" minutes during the week. Then my evening and weekend minutes are unlimited after that. It really is a good plan for a chick who works at an office where she can make the majority of her calls for free during the day, if she has time and need to do so. However, between 5:15 and 7 p.m., all bets are off. Those calls can get pricey if I run over my alloted 300 minutes. But I just never, EVER go over it, so I never worried about it much. I went over by 168 minutes last month. They cost me an additional $67.20. (That's a rockin' $.40/minute, for those of you who don't want to whip out the calculator to do the math yourselves...)

I'm going to be able to charge some of them back to the company, as several of the calls were actually during work hours, and might very well have been from the office on days when I wasn't here (i.e. when I was in Cali last month, and when I was home sick after I got back, and all...). All they say is "incoming". I'm sure the boss will allow it. About $43.60 of it is what I calculate out to be "company calls". And a good portion of them most likely are. But again, because a couple of them say "incoming" I can't be sure. I just don't know who else would have been calling me at the times of day that I have those calls noted, and spoken to me for that long a period of time. Hmmm...maybe my sister in Texas. Nah...wrong time of day.

Anyway, I'll be watching my daytime minutes used during the week, for those of you that call me on that phone. Again, evenings (after 7 p.m. my time) and weekends (Friday at 9 p.m. through Monday at 7 a.m.), I'm as free as a bird. But if I don't answer your call during the day, keep the message short and sweet, and I'll get back to you. I promise.

Excuse me lady, but you've got a foot in your mouth...

So I had dinner with the Old Best Friend last night to catch up on recent events going on with both of us, and so I could give her the present I bought for the baby (she's due in October...). It was soooo nice to see her, as always, and to be able to sit and chat, and have a beer or two. Well, I had the beer...not her. Anyway...

So we're talking about what the feelings are about what the baby will be (they're the first couple I've ever known to not find out what the sex is before it's born...and it's maddening!!), and nobody has any specific feeling either way about it being a girl or a boy. I want it to be a girl, but that's mostly because my New Best Friend had a boy, and I want it to even out...I know, it's a kookie reason, but that's me! Anyway, so Old Best Friend says that her yoga teacher has accurately predicted many babies' sex, but for some reason, she's unable to get a feeling/see what Old Best Friend's baby will be. Says it's curled up into a little ball, like it doesn't want anyone to know. So I say the dumbest thing EVER: "Hm...maybe your baby's a hermaphrodite."

Um, excuse me? Did my head just allow those words to come out of my mouth??? WTF?

Yep...I said it. And in my own Faithsista sort of way, I wasn't even done there (meaning my brain had even MORE doozies to spill...such as "What would you choose for it to be if that happened?" and "It must be hard for people to help their children through that sort of thing..."), but fortunately, my ability to actually stop words before they came out of my head started working again, and I didn't continue to embarass myself and make my Old Best Friend more uncomfy. She just said, "Wow! I hadn't even thought of that...thanks, Faith." I smiled, awkwardly of course, looked down at the table and finally said, "So! My love life still sucks ass! What is that all about, do you think?" And somehow, we recovered the comfort, and the evening continued fine from there.

But, DAMN!! What the hell is wrong with me?

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

I don't get it...

I can't comment at Cheri's blog, and it's bugging me, so I thought I'd just say something here on the off chance that she strolls by today and reads it. I'm glad you're being so outspoken about that stuff right now, chicky. You DO deserve some respect, and I completely agree with the whole if-you-don't-like-it-then-don't-fucking-read-it mentality. I still do NOT understand why it is that people read stuff that they KNOW might upset them! I don't read Patrick's blog any more...know why? Because I'm over it!!! I mean, c'mon, you know? We're grown ups! At least most of us are, anyway, so why not act like it, right?

You're doing the right thing, my friend. And I'm glad Dawson is back, and that you're a happy mommy again. :)

Gesundheit! I'm so sorry, really...

Ok, I have no idea how to spell "gesundheit". Hope that's right. Anyway, I finally was able to get my hands on some of that new Olay Moisturinse in Shower Body Lotion yesterday...I've been waiting for my regular supermarket to start carrying it, and there it was at the end of the soap aisle yesterday afternoon. I chose the version that's for Extra Dry Skin, and looked forward to trying it out this morning in the shower.

Ok, it was weird. I put it on, and rinsed it off, like it said I should, and it felt like I had just put soap on again, really. My skin didn't feel super-soft at all...until after I dried off and started wandering around doing my usual morning stuff. It feels sooooooo nice. I'm smooth, and it smells pretty, and I'm happy with the purchase - it was even reasonably priced at about $3.50 for the bottle which I would assume is about 9 oz, or so...could be more. I'm not good at that sort of thing. Anyway, the scent isn't a bad one...I don't feel old-ladyish or anything. But I realized when I was in the elevator in my building that I could smell it...a LOT. And then the guy that was riding with me sneezed when I got off the elevator. And now I'm sitting at my desk, and I am absolutely overpowered by the fragrance of this stuff! I want to go home and take another shower, it's so bothersome. It's making me cough and sneeze, and I hate it. I finally went down the hall to the ladies room and washed off a bit. It's helped some, but now I smell musty - I don't know if it's the water or the paper towels that made that happen. GAH!! It's soooo annoying.

So I will be taking the lovely bottle of Olay Moisturinse back to my Walmart Grocery Store tomorrow morning, I believe. I wrote a note to Olay on their website letting them know about my experience with the product, and how I love the way it makes my skin feel, but I can't take the fragrance, and asked them if they will be releasing a fragrance-free version any time soon. I hope they write me back or call, or something. I'm not a fragrance-freak usually, so this is just unusual for me to experience. And it makes me sad, because I really liked feeling so very silky smooth for so little effort I had to put out. (I hate putting on lotion after I get out of the shower...but I do like being soft, so it's quite an issue for me every time I shower.)

Has anyone else had the opportunity to try this stuff? Am I just more sensitive than I realized I was when it comes to fragrance? I'm not a regular perfume wearer, by the way...I just use body sprays from Bath & Body every day. So maybe I haven't built up a proper tolerance? What do you think?

Monday, August 16, 2004

Hmm...what does that say about me?

I've found myself attaching to losers lately. Not only attached, but feeling like I was in love with them. And now I'm left wondering, what does that say about me?

Just a random thought that's floating through my head at this moment. Fun diversions from work, you know...

"In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junky
with the plastic eyeballs, spraypaint the vegetables
dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose..." -- Loser, by Beck

If you know what I'm sayin', then you know what I'm sayin'. At least I know I'm a loser, and I can admit it. *Lightbulb moment!* Perhaps this is why I've been dating losers lately!!

Ok, I'm bored with this...need to find some way to think positively about my life even though

- my house's plumbing is evil
- I can't seem to find a nice, decent guy to date
- I'm poor all the time because people keep getting married and having babies
- my smoking has gotten itself to an all-time high
- I appear to have no will power, and might just remain as chubby as I am right now for the rest of my life...meh.

A couple of those things seem controllable on some level or another. But at this point, in my own head, they're the things that are holding me back from being content, baby. I'm just so gosh-darned average, it seems.

Little bits and pieces

This weekend was full of all sorts of interesting things that sort of spread themselves out evenly, IMO. I appreciated that, really...

Friday night was mellow. I don't even remember what I did all night, but I know I blogged. And I relaxed. That's for damned sure!

I had my hair done on Saturday right smack in the middle of the day, which interfered with my plans to stain my deck. Oh well...there's always next week. But it MUST be done, is the thing. Anyway, my hair looks pretty. :)

Saturday night, I finally convinced the ex-ex-boyfriend to come over and play. I needed it, and I think he did too, but in a different way. He had been seeing a girl for the past month that he was quite smitten with, but she's aloof towards him. Runs hot and cold, he says. And he, like myself, really digs the attention and snuggly part of being in a relationship. As of last Thursday, he was feeling "75% dumped", and by the time he got to my house Saturday night, I think it was pretty much over. Who knows...maybe she'll make another play for him. But I doubt it. I hope he turns his attention to me for a while. I don't know what I'd want to come of it. But I hate that I feel the way I do about him, and we have such issues that don't really encourage the thought that we could pull off the long-term deal. Bugs me. Anyway, he came over, we snuggled, etc..., and at one point, he asked me what I consider to be a funny question. He asked me if I thought he was small or average. I said, "What are you referring to?" He said his penis, of course. I couldn't help but laugh...I mean, no one's ever asked me that before! I told him he was average (although he's the smallest of any guy I've been with). I told him it doesn't matter, anyway, really, because it's how he uses it that works for me. And it does work...woo!

Sunday was my favorite day of the whole weekend. I had been planning on getting up, showering, wrapping baby stuff and heading off to the hospital to visit my New Best Friend and to see the baby. I woke up, showered, and about halfway through the shower, I heard my toilet glugging at me. It was cartoonish, really...that sound shouldn't exist anywhere other than in a Spongebob episode. Anyway, I lean out the shower and look to make sure the water isn't rising, or anything, which it isn't, and then I finish my shower. But I noticed that the tub wasn't draining as well as it should. Aw hell! It wasn't draining at all! "SHIT!" I said. Over and over and over. I got out, tried plunging the toilet AND the tub, and nothing was going anywhere. I canNOT believe I had to call the goddam plumber AGAIN!! This was the second time in the past 6 months that my main sewer line had backed up. Turned out it was the line from the bathroom that was stopped up. The original pipes actually run uphill somehow in my crawlspace. So stuff gets in there, and just sits, not able to go through the pipe because well, as we all know, shit doesn't run uphill, man. (Sorry...it had to be said...) Anyway, at least it wasn't gross this time like it was the last time. And the plumber was nice. He went into my crawlspace and everything to check out how I can fix this problem. He said he figures it could be done in 3 hours, probably...maybe a $550 - $650 job. Dammit.

And then I decided to get on the treadmill at 9:30 last night, which is weird for me. I'd had two beers already, and usually if it's past 9, I hate getting on the treadmill - don't ask why, though, because I have noooo idea. But I felt like moving, all of a sudden. (I was watching "Single in the City - South Beach"...maybe that had something to do with it. Some of those girls need to be introduced to a clue every now and then, I must say...) So I got on the tread and did my 40 minutes. Not bad, really...last week, the Bahama Mama Challenge became more like "wishful thinking", what with the busyness of being out of town and being provided food, etc...I had planned on working out while I was in Texas, but it just didn't happen. So I only got two workouts in last week. Bleh. This week WILL be better. And I will eat well. And I will try my best to be happy about it, darn it!!

Here's to wishing you all happy plumbing. :P

The martyr speaks...

The Twin made a good point in her comment on my last post. I guess feeling like Joan of Arc probably wasn't the best way to put it. But I don't know who else to compare it to...I liked her comment about being like the Melanie Griffith character from "Working Girl"...that sort of hits it on the head. The circumstances are all totally different, though, as I'm not dealing with a boss that steals my ideas for their own, nor do I have the "pleasure" of working for a woman who thinks she's holier than thou. And I don't talk as slow as molasses sounding like a baby. (I hate Melanie Griffith...but that's an entirely different post...) Our management team is all male at the top. At my direct boss's level, we have about 5 women in that position across the country. And they all make boat-loads of cash, while I'm in a position where I had to borrow money from my father to help me buy my first home...I didn't have to borrow it, per se, really. But it was either borrow the money and live in a decent home in a nice neighborhood, or don't borrow, and live in a crummier home in a less desireable area for me. It was a "gift" according to the loan papers. But when I sell the home, he gets that money, plus the money he loaned me for the bath remodel. Yes, I'm a lucky girl. Believe me, I know it...

Anyway, my point always is that I don't make enough money for what I do. Sometimes, I have downtime, this is true. But the comparison between my salary and the manager's salaries in my region (many of whom claim they wouldn't be able to function properly if not for my assistance...) is a sad, sad thing to look at on paper. Sometimes, I hate that I'm privy to that info...

I also want to say that I'm glad to have heard from some different readers in the comments to my last post. I had no idea that Tony was reading this shtuff I spew, and I'm glad he said something. Now I'll be inspired to smart it up a bit, perhaps. :) And K. in Wichita and I seem to have a lot of things in common, including the blogs we frequent. Glad you said hello, K!

Ok, I've gotta get to work. So far, it's a decent Monday. Let's keep it that way, huh world?

Friday, August 13, 2004

And the day is done...

Well, it ended quietly. I realized that everyone that needed my help had either gone home, or given up on communicating with me for the day, because by 5:35, it had stopped. I gathered my things, went to say goodbye to my boss, and headed out the door. *sigh!* What a week! Oh, and the boss gave me one of his famous "thank you" cards as I headed out the door today. He always gives me a bit 'o cash and a few very nice words when he gives me little cards out of the blue like that. He's the best. boss. EVER, yo! He also gave me $50 to put towards the co-worker's anniversary present I'll be searching for on Sunday. I don't know what the hell to get her, though. Heading to Bath & Body Works seems like a good idea, though. Or maybe to Whole Foods and their little aromatherapy section to pull together some goodies myself. That might be a fun, fun activity on Sunday afternoon, actually.

I haven't worked continuously for 8 hours like I did today in a long time. And while the last couple of days haven't been exactly super-duper hard, they have been nothing but talking, talking, talking about the business and our (mine and the other girls in my position from around the country) place in it. Turns out, it IS only women in my position. And if one more of the bosses that graced us with their presence for 20 - 45 minutes to speak to us said that we were the "lifeforce of the company" or the "wheels that make the machine go 'round" or that they were "unsure of who was actually running the company with all of us sitting in that one room" the way we were, I was going to start throwing things at them, I swear. One guy actually quoted Bill Cosby. Said that "behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes." Um, what the fuck does THAT mean, jackass? He's the newest guy on the totem poll, though. I'll give him a break, because he obviously has NO idea how to speak to a room full of women like that. Must be a bit scary, I s'pose. In fact, the one guy I give the most credit to was the top dog. He spoke to us first on Wednesday morning. Maybe he was just lucky with the time slot he got. But he impressed me the most. Man, I like that guy. I was the first one to speak up and thank him for talking to us about the things he chose to speak to us about. "No one has ever taken the time to get us all together and tell us what you just did, " I said. "And I just want to say thank you, because it gives me a better idea of why the changes that are happening are so important to you and the other members of management." I then went on to say that we are the only position that is not bonussed in our part of the organization, and I wasn't sure about anyone else, but I wanted to know if that was going to change any time soon. He spoke to us about it, and then a couple of other girls asked some questions, and then he left. The rest of the two days, I felt like I was Joan of Arc. I had done what no one else had been brave enough to do, and every woman was coming up to me to tell me exactly that, which was interesting to me. Truly, though, I doubt that...I think someone else might've spoken up if they'd been given a couple of more seconds. I just didn't wait. As soon as he said, "Are there any questions or comments?" I spoke right the hell up. I've been waiting 3 years to have that chance, and I took it, dammit. Man, I feel proud! And I made several new friends. And I feel great about the chance we have to make a change in our working lives now. I can't wait to get started...

Anyway, it was a beneficial couple of days, to say the least. I'm exhausted, and am grateful that the weekend is here already, because I need the time to regroup. I don't know how I'm going to stop thinking of work. It's like when I lived in France for 3 months when I was in college. The teachers forced us to speak French pretty much all the time starting our second week in town, and when I got back home, I was dreaming in French, thinking in French, and it was hard to not have to speak in French all the time. It went away after a little while. But it still happens every now and then. I think "Je suis fatigue..." instead of "I am tired...", or I say, "Quelle nightmare!" in my little Franglais sort of way. That's sort of a Breakfast at Tiffany's thing, too, though. But you know what I mean. I'm thinking of work constantly now, and trying to make it go away. The sleepier I get, the easier it seems to be. But I would bet a million bucks if I had it that tonight, I'll have some kind of work-based dream.

Here was my favorite funny moment from this week: we had a presentation yesterday that was given by the company training department. They sat down to show us some of the cool new features of the online training dealio they have created. And one of the things is the narrator that speaks to us as we head through the training. After the initial intro, which can be a bit tedious and tough to take for 3 or 4 straight minutes, the interactive part of the training starts, and the narrator (a woman at that point) says, "Now wake up and grab your mouse!" I didn't even think about it until the presenter said, "We have to change that, though, as some people feel it could create a liability issue..." We couldn't stop laughing for about 2 minutes! Wake up and grab your mouse...naihce....:)

I have news too! But I can't share it, because I'm not sure what family members read this blog, and not everyone knows yet...but I hope to be able to share it by Monday. It's very exciting. It's a good thing. That much I can say. The Twin knows what I'm talking about, so she and I can be happy together...

And now that I have bored you all to death once again (seems to be my job as of late...hee!), I shall say goodnight. OH! One more good thing has happened...my hairdresser just called, and he's definitely coming to take away this nasty white trash look that has established itself on my head tomorrow afternoon. God bless him!

OH! AND I completely forgot that my New Best Friend and her hubby are having their first baby today, hopefully. I went to Babies R Us after work and bought them their gift, as well as the gift for my Old Best Friend who I will be having dinner with on Tuesday (her baby will be here in September...). Babies abound right now, it seems. I'm so glad they're starting to arrive! Pray for my friends, and that they have healthy, happy babies, please. They are lovely girls, and they truly deserve the best...