Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Letter to this here blessed vessel of my soul

Dear Beloved Body O' Mine,

I don't know what I did to piss you off, but I thought I would go ahead and address the evil things you seem to be hell-bent on doing to me lately.

First of all, I've been busting my ass on my treadmill for the past 3 weeks. Can you do me a fave and at least allow 5 pounds to drop off of you? You're heavier than you've ever been, and while you're still cute, it's getting difficult to fit into some of the clothes I have in my closet to cover you with before we leave the house every day. I've tried to cut back on the bad foods, and haven't put a single calorie produced by McDonald's in you since last Friday, which is unusual, I'll have you know. I didn't even eat a caesar salad over the weekend, the way I usually like to. Instead, I had yummy pasta with chicken one night, and a sandwich the next day. I only ate 2 french fries off my plate!! I gave the rest to my friend, so please, have mercy on me! Let me drop some of the weight. Please?

Secondly, this rash that you're suddenly producing under my breasts? Yeah, WTF? I thought it might be from the lavender-scented baby lotion I've started to put on after I shower/before I dry off every day, but I've stopped putting it on under the boobs, and you're still irritated it seems. So I don't know what's up, but it's a very uncomfy skin sitch, so can you please at least let me know what I can do to appease you? I had some oatmeal-based Aveno lotion left over from last year, when you were always breaking out in hives, so I've been using that on you, which feels nice, but you're still all red and bumpy under the boobs, so can you just stop it, please? Come on, I treat you nice, don't I? Be nice back, will ya?

And last of all, as if the other two weren't enough, and I wasn't going through enough crap emotionally this week, you had to go and contract a UTI somehow. I don't want to know why and I don't want to know where you might've sent out my urinary tract in order to contract such a painful infection, but here's the deal: I cannot take off work for the next couple of days. In fact, it's a very important time for me to be around, what with the other admin coming into town and all. But this UTI HURTS. And it's making me even more uncomfortable than I already was. I have to pretend enough over the next couple of days without having to ALSO fucking pretend that I'm not in a whole hell of a lot of pain down there, ok? So here's what I'm going to do: I'm gonna keep on feeding you different types of cranberry juice, and lots of water (I know...what's new, eh? Hahahahaha!! Anyway...), and I'll get some more medicine, since I only had one dose left from the last UTI you had (which was almost a year ago, God bless you...), and hopefully it'll make you feel a little better by dinner-time. I know it seems like I'm pushing it with that timeline, but I have no choice. And neither do you, really, so buck up, and kick that muthafucking UTI OUT, m-kay?

Thanks for the help! I love you, no matter what...just remember that. But if you could help me out with these 3 teeny, tiny requests, I'd really appreciate it.

Sincererly,
Faith, your owner and keeper for all time, until death do us part.

p.s. I'm sorry about all the cremation jokes, if that's what this is all about. I'll stop talking about it, really. In fact, I've changed my mind about ever wanting to be cremated. I want to have you embalmed and mummified when I die, and keep you as beautiful as I possibly can for as long as is humanly possible, I swear. I mean it...I'll start looking into it this week, even. Ok? I swear!

7 comments:

FaithsTwin said...

It's the spaced out sex you've been having. Maybe the dude who helps you out every other weekend or so has something to do with it? In any case- VERY sorry you are in pain and at such a bad time. Take that stuff that's over the counter (call Shell and ask her what it is...makes you pee BRIGHT yellow, but it numbs your bladder so there's no pain. I wonder if people are aware there are narcotics for your bladder? Yup, there are!)

As far as the weight goes, right there with ya. I haven't gained anymore, but I haven't lost any either. I gave in and had a breakfast sandwich this morning.

Please, tell everyone where you will be after you embalm yourself. I imagine since it is in your will you will be on my mantle if cremated, I am expected to have you on my couch in case of embalming...sort of Weekend-At-Bernies-esque?

Faith said...

I'm actually going to blame stress and my new tamps (remember, I'm a Pearl Girl now...) for the UTI. I haven't had Dickhead over for a week and a half, and I'm pretty sure it would have happened sooner if that had been a contributor. But the last day I used a tamp was Monday, and of course the stress levels are high as a kite right now, so I'm pretty sure that's it.

Or, my body hates me, and this is the prelude to an all-out assault that it's planning to hit me with around Christmastime. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I picked up the meds (it's called Uristat, btw...and the fave thing it does? It makes it so you don't have that feeling that you have to pee constantly, when you only have a little bit o' pee to give.), so I'm hoping things will settle down soon. Because UTI's SUCK!!!

FaithsTwin said...

Yes yes...stress and new tampons are ALWAYS my reason for body issues.

"Hey Twin, why are you walking with a limp?"

"Well, I started using new tampons and I'm stressed."

"ooohhhhh. Bummer. Hate it when that happens."

Or:

"Umm, you have big red bumps covering your face. Did you have a nasty break-out?"

"Nope! Stress and new tampons! Gets me every time!"

=P

I'm allergic to the new house. We were there maybe 40 minutes last night and by the time I left my eye was itchy and felt like I had sand in it; I was sneezing every couple minutes, and my nose was driving me batty- not just running but ITCHY. They must've had cats. Fuckers who wouldn't let me change the carpet! New carpet woulda been installed today and I wouldn't be having this issue. But noOOoooooo. Now I have to go find some carpet care that I can sprinkle all over and vacuum up.

They left a 27" tv in the garage, though. I was thinking the right thing to do would be to call and see if they meant to do that. But now I'm thinking, MY gift since I couldn't replace cat-carpet. Nyah.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm not sure I'm butting in here, but I can suggest some homeopathic (natural) remedies for the UTI. My lil sister is big into the homeopathic way of doing things. The disclaimer is that none of this stuff cures anything (because they are not a drug) and that you should see a doctor about your problem.

Take recommended dosages of the following (can be found at a health food store):
oils of thyme and oregano
GSE (15 drops or one capsule 3x per day)
garlic
Rose Hips

Avoid refined sugars.

A web page with the homeopathic information:
http://www.msrc.co.uk/index.cfm?fuseaction=show&pageid=806

julieso tried GSE on page 1 and said it worked (on page 2):

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=135295&page=1

I'm a huge fan of GSE. I've drank 15 drops of GSE in 16oz of various juices and it did alter the flavor, but it wasn't horrible like I saw someone mention putting 15 drops in 6oz. It also comes in capsule form - 1 capsule = 15 drops. I use it anytime I get a sniffle, sore throat, etc... and have not been sick the past year other than the initial feeling of getting sick.

Anything and everything that may be found on GSE:
http://67.19.253.140/~nteam/gse/index2.html

It has been tested against a cousin of anthrax, and killed it. Yet, it appears totally acceptable for consumption. The raw taste? Like Listerine on steroids. You can use it for a whole plethora of ailments and cleaning functions (replaces bleach for killing household bacteria).

Saw someone was able to get over the worst of her UTI within about 24 hours using these methods, and said she seemed pretty much cured within about 2 days.

FaithsTwin said...

You're not butting in. I just get long winded...Faith actually doesn't like it.

As far as the moneopathic stuff? I'm all over that- EXCEPT when it is described as "Listorine...on steroids."

WTF? That's just a bit scary, dontcha think?

Faith said...

Yeah...I'm all over homeopathic shit, except that it involves me running to a store that's *totally* out of my way (sort of inconvenient today, as I'm SUPER busy), and it's a potion of stuff that I have to pull together myself. I was able to get the Uristat at the Walmart Grocery down the street from my office, it was only $6, I KNOW it does the job because I've used it before, and it's in a handy-dandy pill form that all I have to do is open the package and pop them out. No measuring or mixing needed! :) Usually, the addition of drinking lots of water, and the unsweetened cranberry juice/water drink I have in the morning and at night does the trick. But I appreciate the advice!

Now can someone please help to scare my metabolism into action? Because that's what's REALLY pissing me off at this point. The skirt I have on today used to be huge on me a few months ago. Today, it's too tight, and is riding up constantly. SUPER annoying!!

Anonymous said...

That's why I like the option of the capsule form. The "flavor" is greatly muted, but the effect seems to be the same. If it works, is very inexpensive compared to most drugs, has multiple uses, not to mention lack of side effects, why not go for it? Sorry to hear it is out of the way. And I know, but tried to forget how busy Faith was going to be tody. ;)

Good luck tonight, Faith!!! We're rooting for you!!! =)

*sigh* Now I have to get ready for work...