Wednesday, November 10, 2004

An Open Letter to All People Driving Through JoCo, KS

My dearest idiots who do not know how a 4-way stop works,

Here are the rules, once and for all:

Rule #1: If you get to the stop sign at the same time as another person, the person to your right goes first. (Clarification: Pay very close attention to when you actually stop at the stop sign. You probably got there first, and you need to go through the intersection before the year 2005 arrives. If you both hesitate longer than 5 fucking seconds, grab a pair, and JUST GO ALREADY!) In the rare instance that four cars all converge upon the intersection at the same time, see the 5 second rule above. Someone eventually has to grab a pair, and fucking go. If you see that someone else has grabbed a pair a split second before you pulled out of your fucking JoCo "I'm a cute soccer mom, and I love my life!" haze, do not be embarrassed/scared that you almost went at the same time that someone else did, and could have dented your precious Mercedes SUV had you not stopped. Just wait a sec, and be glad that someone finally stepped up and made it so everyone could move on with their day. I mean, godDAMit!

Rule #2: If you are turning left, and the person across from you is going straight, the person going straight has the fucking right of way!! This is common sense knowledge, and it scares me that you fuckheads don't get that rule without even thinking about it. Here's the comparison: consider the stop sign to be like a green light without a left-turn arrow. What do you do if you're turning left at one of those? Yeah, that's right...you have to WAIT to make your turn until the traffic going straight through the intersection is clear. The stop sign situation is the same. Duh. Duh, duh, DUH!!!!! (This is the exception to rule #1, by the way. If you get to the stop sign at the same time as the person across from you, and you are turning left/they are going straight, you have to wait until they've cleared the intersection to make your turn.)

Rule #3: This is actually for the people that feel that it's a good idea to turn out in front of traffic from a side street, after employing the "California Stop" method at the stop sign you are supposed to make a full stop at on said side street. Stop it. Just don't do that any more, ok? Because even at 35 MPH, my little Beamer could fuck your Honda up. And I know I do NOT want that to happen. Do you want that to happen? I didn't think so. So even though this is an off-topic rule as far as the 4-way intersection goes, you know who you are, and I'd like for you to pay attention to something other than your own goddam self for a little while. There are other drivers on the road. If you want to ignore stop signs and drive all kamikazi-like about town, move someplace rural, buy a Ford F-150, change your name to Bubba, and I'm sure you'll be able to do whatever the fuck you want to. But as long as you live/drive around JoCo, you need to STOP at stop signs and red lights. It's the law. Jackass.

I know that paying attention to these rules will help us all in the long run. And if you happen to see a blond girl in an adorable black, two-door, recent model BMW flailing her arms about, flipping you off as she goes through a 4-way stop sign that you are sitting at, that's me. And you pissed me off. Probably because you didn't pay attention to one of the rules above. (I get pissed off for other reasons, too. But it really is likely that if it involves a stop sign, you probably broke one of the rules above. Likely the 5-second rule thing. Because that one really gets me fired up. I mean, how long can you really sit at the goddam intersection waiting for someone to go? For me, it's not very long.)

Thank you, and take care...
Faith

6 comments:

FaithsTwin said...

This morning all people in So Cal (besides me, of course) apparently got the memo stating, "Please commence driving this way: when you are in front of someone in a 50 mph zone go 35 until the person behind you decides to go around your ass and THEN punch it to 90 and look like a royal 'tard. In general, as always drive like an ass to piss off those 2% who do NOT drive like asses. Keep up the great work!"

Faith said...

Ok, that made me laugh *really* loud. Dammit. :P

lyn said...

it is amazing to me that there are so many bad drivers out there. sigh.

Mark said...

Ok - so I don't drive a Honda - I drive American. I do know that my car took on a deer doing 65mph and survived. Just crumpled the hood, but still very driveable. Oh, wait, this doesn't apply to me because I don't drive in JOCO that often, and I do my best to follow the rules above. Oh, and I have a pair - but I think a lot of people wave me on because they want to see how unique my car is anyway. Not the one-finger wave, mind you. ;)

And then there are those idiots that drive minivans like they were sports cars on the highway. Hard to drive a SUV that way because they typically are much heavier (but I've tried when I had one). And on the highway - leave more than a one-car gap between you and the person in front of you when traveling at a decent clip. Stop complaining about the SUV or truck that you can't see around and give yourself extra room.

Christy said...

Ah yes...there are people out there who do NOT know how to drive in KC. JoCo people are the ones who typically drive like they're in a bubble and not affected by things around them like puny stop signs or other cars. MO people appear to drive just to piss you off, though. They are the ones going side by side on the highway at 60mph, they are the ones that cut you off, etc. Haven't quite pegged WY County drivers yet.

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