Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I surrender, already!!

Ok, first, before I get going on my rant, what the FUCK is up with the internet lately? At home, it's taking me way too long to get in and view e-mail inboxes, make adjustments to my blog posts, and even to just go from page to page is taking forever, if it ever actually downloads the page. I'm tired of it. And I'd like it to stop already. Sheesh!

Outside of that, I'm not sure what's with my mood. Probably a good mix of a lot of things including , but not limited to, my lack of smoking for over a week now, PMS kicking into high gear, the effects of The Cold on my brain (makes it feel downright swollen, it does...), and the fact that due to time constraints and The Cold, I haven't really exercised since I went to the play place on Saturday with my sister and my nieces. So, let's add that all up, shall we? No smoking - check. PMS - check. Being sick as a dog and having to push through a regular day anyway - check. Lack of exercise - check. Yep...I'm in a mood for good reasons, I think.

I can't get over the fact that I have no ability to surrender to the things that happen to me in my life. Lately, I've been reading the ex-boyfriend's blog (a.k.a. Asshole), but I don't know why. I was somewhat pleased when I learned that he'd broken up with the girl that followed me in the list of girlfriends he's tormented in his lifetime, and then it seemed they got back together again. And then they broke up again. But she's still commenting on his blog, for some reason. Anyway, what bugs me? Um, why the FUCK do I care? Because I haven't settled into a new relationship myself? Because I secretly want him back? (Um, no...not that last one. Fo sho. He can suck it, and I hope to never see him again in my entire life, actually.) Because I'm a jealous piece of shit that wants everyone else in the world to be unhappy except for me? I don't know...I think it's a slight mix of door #1 and door #3. I haven't found anyone new to have a relationship with since Asshole, and I also really think it's unfair for dickheads and assholes to have someone to spend time with when I'm a perfectly nice girl who's pretty, rather easygoing, has a variety of interests, knows how to have a good time (wink, wink!), and I'm single as the day is long. It makes no sense in my head. It makes no sense to my friends that love me and have watched me comb the KC area for a good man who's willing to settle down for the past 4 years. It makes no sense to my family (especially my father, who apparently thinks I'm a lesbian now because I mentioned that I love that new Ellen commercial where she's dancing all over the place. The one for Amex? Oh, you know what I'm talking about...anyway...). And it's pissing me off.

And for anyone that knows both me and the ex named Asshole, this is not me dwelling on something I wish I could have. I don't want him, and I don't wish him any ill will. I don't really feel anything about it. But I do think he treated me rather shoddily, and that's hard to forgive and forget. It's only been about 6 months, after all. I'll give it a year before I go in and have it electrically shocked out of me. What I do know is that he doesn't deserve happiness after what he did to me and the girl he dated before me. He truly treated us like shit. And karma will do what it should to him.

Ok, so, what did I do to karma to deserve my eternity of aloneness? Love the men I've dated since I was allowed to do so? Treated them as well as any girl could, and try to let them know that I loved them no matter what? Tried my hardest to be the best girlfriend to them that they could ever hope to have, and simply wished for them to do the same in return? Perhaps the little in between "boys" that I dated have caused me to head into this downward spiral into relationship emptiness...the freshman at Berkeley that was a virgin before he met my 22 year old ass. His friend that I gave a blow job to (prior to sleeping with the freshman...prior to even getting to know the freshman very well, I might add. I did not cheat on the freshman by blowing his best friend), and then lied to the freshman saying that I would never do such a thing, and then said, "Not that it would be any of your business..." The "cheating" I might have sort of done during my sophomore year when suddenly it seemed like every guy that I liked was liking me back. Which had never happened to me before ever, and I took full advantage of it, lemme tell ya. But really, I wasn't headed anywhere with the one guy when I slept with the beautiful Chilean named Chris from my Western Civ class. And my favorite ex-boyfriend Scott came along when things with Doug (whom I had been crushing on hard for over 3 years...) were just getting to their most confusing point. And I didn't kiss Doug once when I was dating Scott. We just talked. But it still felt dirty for some reason. I'm just not sure what it's all about. But I'm quite tired of it. I want and deserve a new boyfriend that treats me like I'm the best thing he's ever had in his life. Dammit.

So I always try to remember the Oprah episode I caught one day where she was talking about how she had finally accepted the fact that she was the only one that could change things in her life, and that she needed to surrender to the things she couldn't change ever. And it became a mantra for her. "I surrender," she'd say to herself every time she needed peace. She'd do it as she ran on the track, and as she worked through her day. She'd do it all the time, it seemed. So I thought I'd try it. But I can't quite seem to accept it as my mantra. Something is blocking it. But what? I don't get it.

I'm tired of this mood. I'm going to go attempt to ignore it by reading some and then hitting the hay early again. Wish me luck!

12 comments:

Mark said...

Congrats on the stop-smoking! =) I'm sorry to hear that you are stressing out - that is quite a list of not so good stuff going on at the same time. I noticed that Asshole stopped smoking about the same day?

Hey, I have an idea... I'll let you know if I stumble across a good man, if you let me know if you stumble across a good woman. ;)

*Runs for cover!* =o Eep!!!

I really should learn to stay away from women when they are in a mood... 8|

Julie said...

Any chance you just installed Service Pack 2 from Microsoft? It came to me via their automatic updates. If so, it installs a firewall on your system. I spent about a week going nuts the same way you are, until I began to wonder if it was the firewall. I turned it off, and lo and behold--back to regular speed.

Mark said...

Oh, yeah - what Julie said, if you are running Windows XP.

Faith said...

Oh, I didn't say I was quitting smoking. I just haven't been able to for over a week now. See, I tend to smoke mostly on weekends, when I'm hanging out with my friends drinking. Since I didn't have a chance to do that this week, as I was in California, it didn't happen. Also, I can't smoke right now due to The Cold. (When I'm sick, I don't do anything to myself that could possibly make it worse. No walks in the rain, for example, or staying up late, or smoking or drinking.) I'll probably be back to it by Saturday. Maybe even Friday...:)

And no, I didn't install anything. Turns out my home e-mail through Road Runner was having special issues. But I figured out what was up last night, and everything seems back to "normal" now. Thank GOD!!

Mark said...

Ah... OK, so a social smoker, eh? I can't remember the last time I smoked to remind myself why I don't. Yuck! =P I only remember the last time I drank because I had such a blast. ;)

Hmm... Speaking of which, I've yet to post about the most wonderful vacation I ever had - a 5-day cruise with 65 people from my workout program. =)

Anonymous said...

Faith:
Don't forget that on top of all the other stuff going on in your life, you just lost your Grandma last week. I'm sure there's some grieving and nostalgic family-type emotions going on there, too. Take care.
--Rich

Anonymous said...

Fer... this anonymous (and frightfully longish) response comes NOT so anonymously from your oldest/eldest/whateverthefrickest sister, Shell... I don't even know what led me to your Tuesday post in the first place -- I just honor this kinda junk (I'd say sh*t, but I don't know how puritan nor patrician nor marlenian (!!) your blogchaperones are) -- and after reading this and crying a bit and whatnot (being the Shell that I am), I MUST blurt all over you with my take on this "surrender" stuff: Just. Do. It. Fate takes those who imagine blythely that they have ANY control over whatever manages to happen in their tragic little lives and whips them about like the hopeless emotional and providential ragdolls that they ARE until they bruiseishly and weepingly admit that, yeah, things WILL fookin' be just what they BE fully REGARDLESS of whatever flailing efforts we silly humans attempt to force down their (i.e., The Fates) steely throats... Honeylamb, bottomline is just this: what will come to you in this here lifetime is JUST WHAT IT IS MEANT TO BE, and if you can just give up whatever control you'd hoped to wield over this fact and sink into (and this CAN be done COMFORTABLY, I **ASSURE** you, kiddo...) the relatively pre-ordained fact that What Is Merely Is And There Is Tremendous Peace And Beauty To Be Found There Once You Adjust Your Lenses A Titch, welp, it's all gonna be genuinely OK... I know, REAL easy for BigSis to spout out now that she's bumped into LoveOfHerLife (and LOHL turns out to be a purty cool kinda person, no??!!), but frankly BigSis's been spouting out such nonsense for a coupla years now, and this mighta been picked up (to whatever effect -- likely none at ALL, but WTF??) had anyone o' y'all been listening to the glistening hunk of raw core I've managed to become. Jen: Relax, Beautiful Girl. It's alllllll gonna be just fine. You'll see. Cultivate some faith (no... Faith...) and patience and understand that The Universe really DOES have it alllll figgered out for you. Time and Place have been carefully deliberated upon and chosen. Take a deep breath, indulge in a few long bubble baths, digest a thousand more worthwhile books, feed yourself well, keep those toenails all purtylike and I PROMISE YOU: It/He WILL come in time. YOU, doll, just aren't READY for IT yet. You will be. Just not YET. So enjoy the rare peace you have all around you (gawd, you've created such an exquisite oasis for yourself there, don't you see that???), and accept that things are going just exactly as they were always meant to. You WILL look back someday eventually and say "Damn. DAYAMN!!!" And you will quietly hum "Billy Jean" under your breath as he (He) turns on his handsome heels to fetch you a second margarita to tuck into as you rock gently side-to-side in the hammock he installed for the two of you last weekend. How do I know this? I just do. Old sisters are good for this kindash*t... See you at Christmas, Dollface. I love you!! shell

Faith said...

I love you too, Shell. But don't use my real name on my blog, kay? :P

No offense, but I'm not a lost soul looking for advice on this one. I'm just floating about, pissed that people who I feel don't deserve to have found whom they think is the perfect person for them have found someone to hang out with for now. I do believe they will get theirs when fate decides it's proper time for them to be getting it. But in the mean time, they have a buddy they can call when their boss is being an ass, or when their Dad says something stupid to them, or when they just plain want to laugh about something funny on t.v. that they just saw. Right now, I call the Twin. (And I thank her for always being so ready to hear from me...:)

I called it a rant for a reason - it was just that. Not a calling out in my best "Woe is me!" voice, looking for some divine intervention from above to shine down on me and tell me to be patient. I AM being patient. I HAVE been patient. All my life. And I get tired of it sometimes. Hence, my love of this here space in which I can rant.

Remember that one episode of Sex & the City where Charlotte and the girls had gone to Jersey the night before, and Charlotte had a terrible hangover the next day because of it? They were sitting in their coffee shop/restaurant thing that they tend to hang out in, and she was mad, and said, "I've been dating for 20 years, and I'm exhausted! Where is he?" I identify with that in a lot of ways, and I know I'm not alone in that identification. (Maybe you don't watch the show, I don't know...)

Anyway, I'm fine big sis. I KNOW I'm fine. And while I don't exactly subscribe to a strict law of Fate, or anything (because I do believe we can make some choices in our lives that help push things one direction or another, duh), I do believe in leaving *some* of the little things up to it. But I'm more of a choice girl when it comes right down to it.

So thanks. I know you're super-duper happy right now, which is just great for you. (I'm happy for you, really. In spite of what I'm about to say after this close parenthesis...) And it's shit like that that makes me want to say fuck off, and go and be happy, and please, don't do the flaunting thing in front of your frumpy-ass, almost-31-year-old little sister that's never even been asked to move in with someone, much less proposed to. FUCK OFF entire fucking family that's married, or is going to be, is happy with their little family, and their little space in the world with their little family, and fuck you all with your advice on what you *think* is going to happen for me someday if I just wait. Dad thinks it's funny to joke about me being a lesbian. And maybe that's his way of getting me back for calling him old man...who knows. But it's NOT funny. I'm heterosexual, and I'm destined to live this part of my life on my own, and it's HARD. Ok? I'm quite tired of it, and I'm tired of any kind of conjecture that might be existing out there about it. I wonder what other people think sometimes, and it really doesn't matter, for the most part. Because I know what's important to me, and that's all that should matter. Hell, I can take care of myself, and it's not that I need or want a man in my life to be able to help me with stuff like cleaning the gutters or having to deal with the clogged toilet when it happens or helping to pay the bills around the house. I've shown myself to be quite good at all that shit on my own. And that, believe it or don't, is what I've always said I wanted. I wanted to be able to take care of myself before I met The Man of My Dreams. Because what happens if I meet Him, and then two years later he leaves, or he dies, or whatever? Then where would I be if I didn't already know that I could do it all alone, and be quite happy doing it? Yeah, shit creek? No paddle? Not my idea of fun.

Wow...don't know where all that came from. Oh well. I hope this doesn't get around the family, and make everyone want to try to tiptoe around me at Christmastime, or anything. Because really, I'm fine. I'm just tired of thinking that people *might* think that I'm not. And your comment, Shell, made it clear that I was right. Sometimes, I have shit I need to say, when I'm in a bad mood and I don't know why, and I tend to say it here on my blog. It's your prerogative if you want to respond to it like you did. And I'm sure you didn't mean any harm. But clearly, it helped me get some shit off my chest that was sitting there, and I appreciate that fo sho. But don't think that I'm not happy for you, or that I don't think that you deserve to be with the guy you've met and are going to marry. I love you guys (and he *is* very cool, by the way...I look forward to hanging out with him more when he isn't asleep :), and want everyone to be happy. But I really, *really* want to stop being the oddball in the family. It just makes me feel so out of place at times, that's all. It's my own neurosis (sp?) that makes me feel that way, though, and it's usually a fleeting thing, since what *REALLY* matters to me is the fun we have when we're all together, and the way you guys make me laugh, and my hopes to do the same in return, etc, etc...

I'm done now. :)

FaithsTwin said...

In case anyone other than me took the time to read what Faith wrote, this part really cracked me up (whether it was meant to or not, it did, and I appreciate what my Twin said, and no...it isn't the result of breathing in the choking fumes of bleaching my bathroom about 20 minutes ago)

" FUCK OFF entire fucking family that's married, or is going to be, is happy with their little family, and their little space in the world with their little family, and fuck you all with your advice on what you *think* is going to happen for me someday if I just wait."

lyn said...

twin, that killed me too.

faith, you just have a knack for saying those things that make so much sense that it's funny.

Faith said...

You know what's getting me? That until you guys both told me that you thought that part of my rant #2 was funny, it made me cry to read it over again. Now it doesn't.

I'm so glad I use the word "fuck" as freely as I do. And I'm so glad you guys are my friends. :)

Mark said...

You always gain more and more of my respect and admiration, Faith. I didn't date until I was 27 for about the same reason - I wanted to have all other parts of my life settled before bringing someone else into it.

"I wanted to be able to take care of myself before I met The Man of My Dreams. Because what happens if I meet Him, and then two years later he leaves, or he dies, or whatever?"

By the way, I found your name some time ago - but out of respect, never used it.