Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Utter nonsense...

I feel completely disorganized at work, all of a sudden. Like I have no direction. Problem is, I have no motivation to get things on track. I feel really blah about it all. I think the 3-day weekend coming up will help with that, though.

But in the mean time, it's just continuous blah while I'm in the office.

I still have no plans for the weekend. I'm thinking that I might just get some yardwork done, and paint my shutters like I've been wanting to do. I don't know if I'm brave enough to tackle the refinishing my deck on my own, but who knows what kind of energy I'll have by the time Saturday rolls around, right? :) I have to wash the deck first and then allow it to dry completely, so Sunday would be the big day for the actual slapping down of the new stain/protective coating. Man, it soooo needs it.

Right now, I'm running at minimum energy levels. Really, the reasons for the low energy during the day have been worth it, though. And that's all that really matters. I'm just glad to be in a good mood, and feeling desired again.

It's sort of sad how much it shocks me that men are attracted to me at all. But I think I really, really did a number to myself over the last couple of months. My ego is soooo very sensitive, for some reason, and I'm not exactly sure how to shore it up against certain blows that might happen. I mean, right now, I'm oozing with complimentary actions to help my ego feel it's worth. But when this dries up (which, in my experience, is inevitable...), what will happen, I wonder? How can I prepare for that inevitable occurrence?

And when did I become such a pessimist? :P

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Caught me by the toe...

That's it. My stay-awake-until-2-a.m. plan last night has caught up with me. I'm dreadfully tired, and want to lie down on the floor under my desk, dammit.

But I feel so happy! What is that all about, hm?

Sounds like the co-worker and I will be hitting The Velvet Dog tomorrow night. I've taken him all over the place, but he's never seen that place. We've been to The Faloon and Tom Fooleries on the Plaza. Then we've gone to Harry's and Harpo's in Westport. When my twin was in town for our birthday earlier this year, we went to Fred P. Ott's in O.P. to start our evening off, and wound up at my place, drinking far too much for our own good, really. It was fun!

Since last night was somewhat domestic, and all, we're definitely going to go out for a bit tomorrow. I haven't been to the Velvet Dog in a long time...I hope it's a good night for the porch!

And tonight? Tonight I will be lucky if I don't die while on the treadmill before I can crawl into bed as early as possible. Gawd, that sounds lovely right now! Bed! I want you! I neeeeed you...don't make me beg, really. Oh, Ok...if you say so. PLEASE! Please let me lie in you for just 20 minutes...I promise to make it worth your while. I'd give anything for the floor in my office to turn into a TempurPedic mattress right now...

Saving Faith...

Co-worker B is back in town, baby! He dropped by last night, brought along a few beers, and we chatted and then watched "Saving Silverman" (which he'd never seen...absolute travesty!) until far too late into the evening. I'm tired today, but it's well worth it...

If you're reading this, my brutha, gracias mucho. I don't know if we'll be getting together much after this week is over (not sure if you'll be coming back to town very soon?), and I'm gonna miss the time we spend together. Last night was definitely fun for me, and I hope it was fun for you, too.

It's funny...last night, he asked me if I ever wrote anything about him on my blog. Sure I do! Just the little things, though...after he's been in town, and has provided me with much needed mid-week interaction with a friend. But here's a little intro into how B and I came to be friends...When I first met B, it was through our co-worker who acts as the new hire/systems trainer for our region. The trainer told me that he had a guy that assisted him (can't remember if that's exactly how he put it, but regardless, he came along to assist and supplement the training being given), and I should take him out to see KC. I was all, "Um...oookaaay. But I don't know when I can, really..." Sort of reluctant. I was not looking forward to hanging out with some goober out-o'-towner for a whole night. And then B walked in and our co-worker introduced us. I don't think I've ever changed my mind faster about something...let's see: cute, young, and all smiles. Yeah, "Wanna go out tonight?" I asked him...and the rest is history.

It's nice to have a friend like B. Even if he is far away, and all, for the most part. And I'm not sure exactly how much more often he'll be making it to town. But he's a good guy, and I always, ALWAYS look forward to being able to hang out with him. I hope we can stay friends even after you stop travelling to town, man. As one of your rapper "buddies" might say, peace out! (No...that just looks wrong coming from me, doesn't it. Damn...I always had hoped I could pull off the "peace out" thing, but it seems I might be wrong. Oh well...)

Monday, June 28, 2004

Does anyone have a toilet and a shower I can borrow for, like, a week?

I'm so excited! I just put down the deposit to have my bathroom re-done. The whole thing is going to be torn out, the sub-floor is getting replaced (because dry rot is an ugly, ugly thing, even when you can't see it...), I'm getting a new tub and toilet, and even a medicine cabinet...Yay! Today, I picked out tile and grout, gave an idea of the types of fixtures I'd like installed in the shower, and signed all the paperwork.

Now I just need to wait for the phone call from them about when they're going to start...possibly even this week! Hope the White Haven has room for me for a few days...If not, then I don't know what I'll do. Find a different cheap hotel, I s'pose. :)

Yaaaaayyy for new bathrooms! Yay, I say. Hee!

No...I mean, just NOOOOO!

This morning, as I was putting on my make-up, I heard a commercial for a new brand of Pedigree dog food. A higher protein version with lower carbs to help them lower their over all body weight.

Um, are you fucking KIDDING me??? This whole low carb thing has officially gone too far. What's next? Lower carb pellets for hamsters? Sheit...

Sunday, June 27, 2004

I'm an alien in my own world...

Ok, the dress thing turned out fine. There were people at the reception dressed much more casually than I, and so everything was comfortable for me. It was a lovely party, actually...the band was great, and the food was good. The drinks flowed plentifully...perfect!

When the band wound down at midnight, most of the remaining folks at the reception decided to head to Jardine's down the street. I'm so glad I decided to go along. We took up all the tables that were open and there was plenty of room for all of us. Since we all knew each other, dancing in between the tables didn't bother anyone. Well, maybe the waitresses. But they were cool.

Then a lovely boy started talking to me. Randall...he said he was a bricklayer in town to work on a project at a hotel that was doing some renovating. Interesting...I've never heard of bricklayers needing to come into town for projects, but ok. He was with a guy and a girl...Julio is a landscape technician, also from out of town, and Aubrey works for Harley Davidson as a design assistant. They all met in the hotel bar, and had been hanging out together all evening. Randall and I danced, and we all chatted, and I told them they all needed to head out with me this week when I have a co-worker in town...

Eventually, Julio decided to leave...Aubrey followed soon after. Randall and I stayed behind to chat a bit more, and shared a Diet Coke. Suddenly, Randall started laughing. He felt terrible he said, but they had all been playing with me. He whipped out his pilot license, and told me he was a captain for Continental, actually, and that Julio was his co-pilot on the trip they're currently on, and that Aubrey is actually Julio's fiance, visiting with him on this trip. I was STUNNED! I couldn't believe that they had all kept it going for so long!We'd been hanging out for at least two hours, chatting about our jobs, and what they think of KC, and all. Apparently, they had made a bet that whoever broke the story first had to buy a round of drinks. It had been Randall's idea. He was hoping to get a free drink out of Julio. But Julio and Aubrey had done so well keeping their stories straight, and not laughing while I was around that it didn't work out. So he decided to tell me...for whatever reason. I feel somewhat foolish, but applaud them on their skills.

He took me to lunch today to make up for it. I showed him around town a bit. He's going to fly back soon to visit me - he'll make a special trip the next time he's off for a bit, he said. I told him that'd be lovely. And it really will...Oh, and I know what you're thinking...pilots are old and married and we just picture them as being something other than what Randall is, I think. He's only 29, and he's been flying since he was 20. He's been flying for Continental for over 6 years, which is why he is already a captain at such a young age. So picture a young, adorable type of pilot...like Leo DiCaprio in "Catch Me If You Can"...man, I feel so lucky right now!

Doesn't life make itself interesting every now and then? Boggles the mind, it does...

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Well, there's good news and there's bad news...

I think I mentioned how I have this wedding I need to go to tonight, and how there was a bit of stress involved due to the fact that I couldn't find an appropriate dress to wear to it at all (as well as the fact that I will now be going alone when I originally had responded that there would be 2 of us attending, but there's not much to be done about that). I had ordered one online, but the fabric has no give, and while it fit me perfectly in the waist, it wouldn't close on my chest, which is the story of my life. So I went shopping the other night, and found a lovely dress that fits well, and I can zip up on my own, because it's got a side-zipper.

My friend L just called me to ask me what I was wearing...she had spoken to our friend A about what she was wearing when they were together last night, and A said to L, "Oh no...I think Faith is wearing the same dress!" So L called me this morning, and we've worked out that I will just find something else to wear.

Here's the reasoning: she shopped for "like, 4 hours on Tuesday, and finally found this dress!" I only shopped for 3. She has already purchased "all the pink accessories for wearing with the dress"...I was going to go find appropriately pink shoes today, but hadn't yet done so. (So far, only my toes were painted pink for the situation, and that'll match the other dress I have, so no biggy there. I also wanted to wear some jewelry that I hadn't had the occassion to wear yet, and it matches perfectly with the dress, but it'll work just as well another time, I'm sure.) So she's one up on me there, too.

I have a hard time finding dresses that will fit me when I shop...I'm a size 16, and my boobs are actually pushing it when I wear that size. They fit, but only when forced. Stores have only just started carrying dresses in 16, and I'm grateful to them for it, but many of them only carry dresses up to size 14, and then you have to order anything bigger online. Problem is, I like to try things on to see if it's even something I would want.

L is probably a size 2 or 4, and could fit into anything she puts on at any store, as long as they haven't run out of that size which would never really happen. But, I can definitely see how she might have settled on the same dress that I did. It's very cute, perfectly appropriate for the occassion, and it was a reasonable price. It can be used again in many situations. I'm going to return mine, though. I have no occassions in the near future it would work for. And if I'm not going to use it for this one, well, I could use the $150 more, is all.

So, the good news is, we found out about it before we ran into each other at the event. Men probably don't understand how embarassing that can be for women, but it just is.

The bad news is, I will now be wearing a somewhat inappropriate dress for the occassion, as it is all I have in my closet that I haven't already worn to a wedding for one of the friends that will be at the event tonight, and it's the most appropriate out of anything else I own right now. But it is comfortable, and it fits well, and I think I can zip it up myself...it'll be interesting to see what happens there, really. The two times I've worn it, I had to have someone help me. But, oh well! It'll be a fun challenge this afternoon.

I'm just wondering when things are going to start going my way. And I could have told L to go blow, and she could find any number of dresses that would fit her whereas I have trouble with that, but she is very tempermental. Holding grudges is what she was born for, and she has no flexibility at all, really. She only asked me which one of us should back down because she knew I'd give in, and that she would "win" the wearing of the dress. She was very nice about it, and said that she could search through her closet if she needed to, but I also got my jab in there when I said that I do have a dress I can wear, although it's somewhat inappropriate for the occassion, but I figure no one's going to be looking at me, anyway. The bride is the focus at these things.

So, I'm off to start my day. I have two dresses to return, and some ciggies to buy (everyone loves my cloves when I'm at these occassions...I shouldn't smoke nearly as many as I did the other night, and I'm hoping that I'll be lending out a bunch of them, really...), and a lawn to mow, and all. *sigh!*

I'm such a good girlfriend to my girls. It's not as hard as I make it seem. I'm just a little disappointed, really...but I'll get over it with the help of a few free drinks and some laughs and dancing with a great big group of old friends.

Life rolls merrily along, doesn't it?...

Friday, June 25, 2004

I'm just tired, I think...

Dude...had to think about that last post I had up before I realized it wasn't a good one to have out there. So it's GONE baby! I, for one, am glad for second thoughts...

The twin keeps pushing her blog, which I haven't checked out yet, because I really didn't think she cared all that much, but I'm about to mosey over and give it a looksie...Won't you check it out too? It's right here for your clicking convenience...

As she and I like to say, "Baaaaahhhh!" (That's good-bye for all you non-twin-speak people...)

It's Friday! WOO!

Just a coupla things:

- This blogger site won't allow me to post anything this afternoon...don't know if this post will make it through either. Pain in my ass...

- I'm pretty sure the stuff I blogged earlier will show up at some point tonight...3 times in a row, no less. That's usually what happens anyway.

- I'm getting a pedicure at Beauty Brands on the Plaza tonight right after work. Where does one park to get a pedicure on the Plaza? Hmmm...should be interesting trying to get back to my car without ruining the paint on my toenails in those little temp flip-flops they give you to wear out of the store.

- I just found a hair clip in my hair that was hanging out there since this morning when I took my shower. I put it in to hold the little hairs to my head while I'm in the shower when I don't want to wash my hair. I must've taken the ponytail out, and completely forgotten about the little clip. It's been there all day without me or anyone else noticing...interesting.

- My skirt blew up today as I walked out of the building to go to lunch. There was a guy smoking on the back deck that probably got a good view of me attempting to smooth my skirt back down, but since my skirt was higher than my hand, I wound up rubbing my thigh rather suggestively. I finally caught the skirt, and calmed it down. Usually I freak out about this sort of thing...I hate wearing short skirts on windy days. But for some reason, this time, I just said, "Fuck it," and kept walking...I must be getting over that little phobia.

Happy weekend, folks!

Ok, ENOUGH with the work already! Sheesh!

On my way to work today, I was behind a newer model Corvette. I personally don't think they're much more than a glorified gringo car, but if it floats your boat, then great. Anyway, it was red, and convertable, and had 4 tail pipes, which seemed excessive to me, but also told me it was quite a sporty little custom job. (I don't think they come standard like that, but then again, I really wouldn't know...)

It's license plate said "FLAME N". And it was a guy driving it. So, I was immediately struck with the thought that either this was a very openly gay guy driving what I consider to be a rather macho vehicle, OR it was a JoCo dumbass man who thought, "My car is sooooo HOT, it's flaming! I'm gonna put THAT on the license plate, man!!" And he has zero clue that it sends out an entirely different message to all those driving behind him.

It was a stupid license plate, nonetheless. (Although, people who know me and know what I have on mine might think I'm not one to talk...but whatever.)

By the way, had a lovely time at the blogger meet-up! It was fun to meet everyone and chat a bit, and I felt sorry that I had to leave so early, but I did have fun the rest of the night visiting with old friends that I hadn't seen in months, it seems. Plus, there will be more meet-ups, I'm sure. And I'm looking forward to them. :)

Thursday, June 24, 2004

It's a bloggy day, apparently...

Ok, I HATE it when I go into the bathroom, and there's someone already in a stall, and they aren't making any noise, or anything, and they continue to be completely silent the entire time I'm in the bathroom. Now, I know they must just be uncomfy with the idea of setting themselves free with someone else in the bathroom with them...I've been there myself. But you know what I do? No matter how uncomfy it makes me, I get up, flush, and head back to the office for 20 minutes or so. (Oh, and I wash my hands, too...I'm a freak about that sort of thing.) But these people that just sit in there, not doing anything - not even the roll the toilet paper trick that so many women tend to do in those types of situations, you know, to break the tension - those people scare me a little. And I feel really bad for them, too. I'm not evil or sadistic (contrary to what some may believe due to my behavior over the past week or so...:P), so I understand their predicament, and I do my best to hurry things along a bit. I know some people might be tempted to do the whole check the make-up, pick the teeth, wander around and waste time sort of thing to make the person in the stall even MORE uncomfy, but I'm not that type. I feel really bad for them when I'm all done, heading out the door, and then another person walks in. Gah! that must be terrible for them to have to go through!

Then again, maybe it just takes them 10 minutes to take care of things, and they're magically silent while doing it. OR, perhaps it's just a quiet place they go to read after lunch, so as to relax and prepare for the rest of the afternoon. Maybe they've fallen asleep. I don't know...

Anyway, it bugs me a bit. Because while they're totally quiet, they can hear everything that I'm doing...and that makes me uncomfy. I don't know why.

I also hate it when I'm in the far right hand stall, and someone comes in and chooses to go into the stall directly next to me, rather than to go into the stall on the far left (there are only 3 in my restroom at my office...). Why do they do that? We need some space, people! And if you have the option to give it, then take that option! Dumbasses...

Too soon for a new boyfriend...but a date might be nice.

Cute boys are winking at me on Match! Woo! Yesterday, there were NOT so cute boys winking at me. So I'm pleased with the cuter ones, for sure...

And while I'm not ready, by any stretch of the word, to get into another boyfriend/girlfriend situation right now, it might still be fun to date a couple of people every now and then, and just have a nice time, and chat with someone new, and be able to get my mind off the issues currently bothering me, etc...

Ever get the feeling that you might be single for eternity? Well, I refuse to allow it to creep over me. But I'm too tired of the see-saw of love right now to climb back on for another ride. I think I'd like to play on the swings, and maybe hang out around the slide for a bit...

Sincerely, Faith

I was thinking this morning on my way to work, rather than just singing along with the music and damning the signals that slowed me down. (I had the latest Norah Jones in the deck, and I'm telling you, I just cannot get into it! Too country sounding. It's kind of disappointing...)

Anyway, I realized that sincerity is a good thing...but when delivered with a mix of anger and annoyance, it's very hard for a person to detect. You can have the best of intentions in attempting to express your feelings about something to another person, and you might sincerely feel them, too. But if you sound mad and cold while saying how you feel, chances are, a person might not recognize what you're saying as being all that real.

Tone is important, my friends...I should know. All I have to do is put a smiley into an e-mail that I've written while filled with spite and anger to a co-worker who's pissing me off, and they have no idea that I'm mad at them. If I omit the smiley, I inevitably get a note back saying, "I didn't mean to make you mad!" (I hate the defensive response...especially in the work place. Just fucking move on and do what I'm asking, please!)

Just the random thoughts that are going through my brain this morning. I shopped till I dropped last night, and found a new dress for the wedding on Saturday. Now I can confidently get dressed on my own, thank you very much! I do feel bad that I responded that two people would be attending, but as my friend told me, "Things happen, Faith! Don't worry about it..." So I'm not gonna anymore. I don't like the girl that's getting married all that much, anyway. But loads of friends will be there that I haven't seen in a while, so I'm still very glad she invited me.

The shopping helped me feel much better, too. It's amazing what it does for me when I'm in as dismal a mood as I was yesterday. Shop girls were friendly, but not too friendly (you know, like when they follow you around, and constantly ask if they can help, even though you've told them you're fine over and over? I hate that shit...), and they simply unloaded my arms of the dresses and blouses I'd found to try on at regular intervals so that I could shop unencumbered, which is always very pleasant. I'm happy with my purchases, and will be able to take back the original dress I'd ordered for the wedding to the actual store, although I'm sort of pissed that I paid the extra shipping fee to make sure it got here in time. C'est la vie!

I've also decided to attend the blogger meet-up tonight, despite the discomfort that might be encountered. I want to meet some people, and I want to have a drink and relax and be chit-chatty and have fun. I'm really hoping I won't have to try too hard to do that...(not that the company won't allow me to...rather that my feelings and head might become too overinvolved in the evening, is all...and I don't want that. Not in the least!)

So, happy Thursday! Work is a-callin'...

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I really needed this laugh today...

I'm downer than down, So I really needed this. Blogspot won't let me paste the picture, so check out the link. Enjoy the funny!

Blah Blah Blog...

I couldn't sleep past 5 a.m. this morning agin. Although I went to sleep at about 11 last night, which helps, I suppose. I just can't get my brain to stop! So many unanswered questions. I keep trying to chant the "I surrender..." thing to myself, but I don't think my brain is accepting that suggestion, for some reason.

I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do on Saturday. (Been invited to a wedding, returned the card saying 2 would be attending, etc, etc...) I'm seriously considering pulling a fake sick routine, and sending an apology and my present in the mail to the bride. I bought a dress that zips up the back, and it's cute as hell! But I can't reach the zipper to zip it up. And it, of course, has to be one of those zippers that is difficult to zip in the first place, but then trying to zip it up past DD breasts is nearly impossible on my own. Ok, actually, it IS impossible on my own...I can't get the damned thing to zip up. And I have no choice but to either try to find another dress by Saturday, beg the ex to please, please come and help me into the dress and escort me to the wedding, or to just not go to the wedding at all. It's a 7 p.m. reception that I've been invited to, so I'm pretty much screwed...obviously the thing is a dressy occassion (any reception at 6 p.m. is considered black tie optional in the world I come from...), and using a fun sun dress is not an option. They're the ones that my boobs fit into, though! Gah!

I might have to get creative. Which scares me. Time is running short, though! So, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I guess. *sigh*

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Just a quick question. Or two...

This is my blog, right? I mean, it's my space to say whatever I want to say, about whomever I want to talk about, and to air my feelings about certain things that happen to me, or to other people around me or in the news, or whatever, isn't it? It is also my space to be able to manipulate as I desire, in case once I've aired certain things, and feel they no longer have a place being posted on my blog, I can then delete them as I see fit to do.

And if people don't like it, they don't have to fucking read it, right? Because when I'm going through something that's kind of hard to deal with, I'm going to post it. If I'm angered by something or someone, then I might just talk it out in this space right here. If I want to apologize for something I've said, then I'll likely do it here. (But I might also do it in a personal e-mail, or in a phone conversation, etc...) Because that's kind of the point of my blog!

However, I don't think I'll ever get on my high horse to make comments about how certain people should deal with current events in their lives. That's a general rule I'm going to go ahead and make for myself right now, going forward. You shouldn't ever read an entry of mine from here on out that will tell someone that they should feel a certain way, or that they should behave a certain way, or that they should treat someone a certain way. Unless I am one of the people involved in the situation, who am I to criticize what's going on? And if you ever catch me doing such a thing, I hope you'll say something about it. My main reason for making this rule is that one shouldn't throw stones at glass houses. Chances are that my criticism of a person's behavior might come back and bite me in the ass, I'd think.

We all do things for attention every now and then. We crave it. We need it. It's natural, unless you're a hermit and live under a rock. Some people post their issues with people in their lives right on the blog for that person (and anyone else who happens to read it...) to see. Some people attempt to gain that attention in other ways...whatever floats your boat. But I just don't see the point of picking on other people for having the emotions they have!

For example, over the past week or so, I've been generously airing my feelings with regards to the break up of my current relationship. It hurt. LOTS. And I'm very sad to see it ending. I will pick myself up and move on eventually, and I think I've taken great strides in doing just that over just the past two days alone. But I don't know what I would have done if my sister had posted a comment to one of my blog posts saying, "Um, you're whining a lot, and I'm sick of hearing it. Pull yourself together and move on, ok? Because I'm sick of you trying to get the attention you crave..." What I would prefer for her to do is to maybe just not read my blog for a week or so, if she doesn't want to hear it. And who is she to say that I shouldn't feel the way I do, and express it however I like? (*disclaimer: my sister has been very supportive of me throughout this whole thing I'm going through, and I'm quite grateful...this was just an example of example's sake...)

Anyway, I'm not ever going to judge how someone reacts to something that's going on in their life without being a personal party involved, is all. And that makes me feel gooooood. :)

Taking care of business...

I just deleted a bunch of my last few posts in hopes that it will help mend whatever rift might be developing in one of my relationships.

I'm sorry, ok??? I'm trying my hardest, honest...

And the beat goes on...

Anger phase is over. It ended yesterday afternoon, when I reached down inside myself, said, "Accept your relationship fate, dumbass!" And then I had no choice but to accept it..because I hate it when I yell at myself...makes me feel all ooky.

So, forgiveness was requested, and granted. I granted forgiveness as well, although I'm not sure it was completely recognized as being needed. But I thought it necessary just the same. Because although he's not saying much, he could be feeling pretty crappy about how things have gone...how can I be sure? So I thought I'd just give it, even though it hadn't been asked for. And I feel tons better for it.

At the end of it all, I can only say that this is the one time in a long time that I've felt like I made a real connection with someone that I want to have last for a while. I want to remain friends, because I like having him as a friend, and I hope he knows he can lean on me for friendship when he needs it, too. I'm just glad the badness is over. I hate feeling bitter...it's really not productive.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Um, waiter? There's a fly in my face...

I went outside for 2 minutes to trim the blooming roses from my one and only blooming rose bush. Left the door open a tiny crack. And it was enough for bozo the fly to find his way in and start buzzing around my house freaking out. He's currently flying around the house in a circle, starting in the kitchen, then through the living room, into my bedroom, then into the computer room, and then back out to the kitchen to start all over again. Wait...he must've landed for a second, because he hasn't...nope. There he is!

Anyway...flies are dumb. I equate them to men. And Branch Managers at my company. He could have stayed outside, enjoying the surreal life that a fly must live out of doors. (At least, I imagine it to be somewhat surreal...I mean, everything must just look HUGE!!! Not that it doesn't when they're in doors, though...oh well. I'm sick. My train of thought simply is going to wander, m-kay?) But instead, he flew into my house, for some unknown reason, and gave up the fresh outdoor air for a buzz in a limited area. And an eventual meeting with one of the many outdated magazines I have lying on my coffee table. Poor dumb bastard.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Something I like.

Ok, my favorite thing that we have in common? We both like Mounds as opposed to Almond Joy. It's a dark chocolate thing, people. Oh, and the lack of almonds, in my case. I'm not sure if that's part of what turns him on or not. But I think it is.

And, yes...I need to go to bed. But I had too many damned Diet Cokes while sobering up to drive home tonight. I'm shaking, I'm so antsy. Gaaaahhhh!! *shaking tush*

Friday, June 18, 2004

Creating drama...

I'm at odds with myself. All my life, I've been working at making things work for me, and focussing on me and what it is that I've convinced myself I'm supposed to have and want, and deserve. But in doing that, I lose sight of the things that matter for the people around me. And it makes me feel very alone.

I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone, is the thing. And I question my decisions, because I have a great deal of confusion involved, and I don't know if I'm doing "the right thing". I'm 30 years old...and I don't know what the right thing is any more...does anybody, really?

We have to go with our gut, is what I figure. Of course, my gut (as I'm sure most people's does) tells me to do what makes me happy. But this week, I did what I thought was going to make someone else happy. (My gut told me it would work this way, anyway...) And I'm in pain because of it. I don't know how to strike the balance!

All you can do is try to let go, so that you can try to get to some sort of middle ground, and be a part of what's going on, at least. I don't know what's happening, and I don't know what's going to happen. But I know what I want to happen...does that make any sense? Does it mean anything that I know what I want?

There was a Sex and the City episode on tonight that struck a chord with me. Carrie is hanging out with Aiden, and she's feeling something is wrong all the time, and she finally realizes that it's because everything is too perfect. They're having fun together, and they like spending time together, and he's there for her when she needs him, and vice-versa. And then she starts the drama. She creates space between herself and Aiden. She tells him that she needs him to not be so "available". And then she realizes her mistake. She didn't realize how good she had it, is the thing. And in creating the drama, she ultimately screws things up royally. (If you know the series as I do, then you know what happens next...messy mess, is what it all is!)

I feel like I pulled a Carrie this week. I almost feel like they showed that episode for a reason. Which is ridiculous, really. But I'm realizing that no matter how much observing we do of the life around us...no matter how much we learn from the friends and family we are constantly watching for guidance...we are ourselves, and we have our own unique situations to deal with. I may not be as mature as I figured myself to be. And I may not be as kind a person I had pinned myself down as being. I'm still learning, and adjusting, and I'm trying oh so hard to be better and better to those I interact with day to day.

I shouldn't have said earlier that I'm unhappy because I want a boyfriend. I shouldn't have said that at all. I should have said that I'm unhappy because I messed up with my boyfriend, and I know it. The unfortunate thing is that I still have no idea what to do.

Being a grown-up really stinks sometimes...:)

About to head into my weekend...

I'm very happy about the fact that it is the weekend. I'm also happy that I was able to mow my lawn and clean up a tree that was a bit overgrown in my front yard when I went home last night. I'm not happy about the fact that my BMW is falling apart a little (a piece of felt that makes the car look nice and finished on the inside by the driver window is falling down...yes, I suddenly am driving a shabby-ass BMW. But I prefer to see it as being more shabby-chic, really..), and that the only appointment I could get to have it looked at/glued back together is tomorrow morning at 8:30 in the freaking morning! BUT, it's better than having to wait until next week, and having to duck the little droopy bastard every time I get in and out of my car.

I'm not happy that I don't have a boyfriend to hang out with. :( I am happy that I might have a friend to get together with tomorrow night, though. Yay for friends!

I am happy that I made my travel arrangements to go back to LA in July so I can go to the Bourne Supremacy premiere. I'm very, very excited about that. I'm also happy that right now, it's 5:15, and I can go HOME!!! Bah!!

Hee!

I have a favorite signal that I drive through every day on the way to and from work. And by favorite, I mean it's the spawn of Satan, and it sucks ass. It's at 95th and Lamar, and if you get stuck waiting for it to turn, you will be there for at least 4 minutes, I kid you not.

Well, this morning, it was broken, and there was a traffic officer directing traffic through the intersection. (I only had to wait about 30 seconds for my turn to go, thank you very much!) And all I could think was that it must have been hit by lightening during the storm overnight.

Hm. Traffic signal karma. I like that. SUCK ON THE LIGHTENING, BEOTCH!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

We all have cell phones now, right?

Ok, there's this commercial they play on the radio station I listen to when I'm at work (the only classical station in Kansas City...). I've heard it over the last couple of days. And this isn't a bias thing, because I work for a different mortgage company than the one that's being advertised. I just don't get the lay out of the commercial, if that makes any sense. Here's the deal: First, there's this chick calling and leaving a message for her husband, presumably at home because she's saying, "If you're there, pick up...", and that's not generally something you'd say when calling someone's cell, right? So she says she's found the perfect house, and he needs to call her back right away. Next, it's this guy's voice doing the same thing...telling her she needs to call him back immediately because he's found the perfect place. Then she calls back again and says, "I can't wait any longer...I'm going to head over to Blah-Blah Bank and get a loan! Bye!" And then his voice, "I can't wait for you to call back. I'm going over to Blah-Blah Bank and start the loan." And then he says, "Just call my cell when you get this message."

Um, excuse me? Why the FUCK weren't you calling each other on your goddam cell phones in the first place, retards?

Bugs the shit out of me...

That's it...

I'm tired of getting fatter. The boobs have gotten heavier, the pants have gotten tighter. I'm done. (I really hate the boobs, though...they're the worst. They don't fit into anything any more, and my shoulders are moaning in pain...)

No more taco salads. Today's was it. Back to the 6 week body make-over food plan, where I cut back an incredible amount on sodium, and eat 6 small meals throughout the day. (But the thing is, I got so tired of the food I was allowed to eat! I wasn't hungry or anything, though, which is the important thing, right?) 2 oz of protein at each meal, some green beans, or whatever, and some rice or potato. Fruit portions will be split up and eaten throughout the day.

I'm doing well with exercise, though. This week has been a bit icky, with the commitments I've had and all, but I plan on making it up throughout the next 4 days. And I'm a big fan of 4 days of exercise per week. Hopefully more in the future, but 4 is a good place to be compared to the none I was doing prior to now, for the most part.

So that's that, baby! I'm in charge now! The boobs can go to hell! Mwahahahahahaha!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I hate my love life...

As if in answer to my last post, I went out and found this little story on MSN. Alanis Morrissette is engaged...to that super-cute guy who used to be on "Two Guys and a Girl" (very bad t.v. show, somehow lasted longer than one season - I'm pretty sure it had something to do with me and several other women watching every week hoping that Burg would lose his clothing in a freak wind gust, and stand there naked looking confused, yet suave and manly, which was his trademark behavior ont he show. MAN he's adorable!), and was the star of "National Lampoon's Van Wilder". They met, somehow, through e-mail, and have been dating for the past 2 years. Seriously. Alanis? I mean, come ON!!

I hate my love life, and am so wondering more and more every day what I did to the relationship gods to get them so damned pissed off at me. Fuckers...

Run out of gas...

Meh. I've suddenly run out of steam for the day. I want a nap more than anything. Well, a nap where I can simultaneously drink a liter or Diet Pepsi. That would be the optimum scenario.

On a totally different side note, why is it I can feel confused, lonesome, and unsettled all that the same time - and yet I'm not in the least feeling depressed? I think it's odd...you'd think that a person with all that shit going on inside of her would be a depressed mess! But I'm not. I have no idea what to do with my life (my job wears on me every now and then, and right now, it's one of those "why the hell do I still work here" periods), I haven't had a relationship where a man told me he loved me for 10 years, I'm sort of poor (and if you read my last post, then you know I'm contemplating getting myself even further into debt - but only for a really good reason, I think...), and I have very few friends.

But I'm happy? What the hell? I seriously do NOT understand myself. I had less stress and shit going on in my life when I was in high school, and I was contemplating suicide regularly back then.

Ok, this has totally turned into a different post than it started out, but here's what I'm realizing: I craved attention when I was in high school. I felt left out of certain things going on, and it really bothered me. I felt ugly, and like no one would ever want to date me. I didn't know what to do about college, and really wanted to be starting college when I was still a junior in high school, I was so tired of all the bullshit. (High school and I did NOT get along, obviously.)

But now, I've gotten to a point where I can set realistic goals for myself, and then actually achieve them for the most part. (I'm not anal about it...if I realize that a goal hasn't been reached by the time I originally set, I re-evaluate, and adjust accordingly.) I'm happy with the way I look, and if a guy doesn't like it, then he shouldn't date me. I could probably stand to go to therapy in order to deal with some of the little things I deal with...every now and then, I look at a girl I know, and wonder how the hell SHE can be married to a fabulous guy, and I haven't even been able to have a relationship that's lasted longer than 10 months since I was 16. That's bound to be a self-esteem issue that should be worked out before mid-life hits. But the main thing is, I don't crave attention any more. I don't wish that the focus would be on me more than anyone else now that I've reached my ripe age of 30.

But when I do start to freak out, I realize it's somehow associated with a small craving for attention that has creeped up on me without me noticing it coming. And I get sad and mad and confused, and want to burst into tears all at once when it happens. Happened yesterday. And I hate it when that happens.

So I'm trying to ignore it today. Well, ignore it by facing it full on, if that makes any sense at all. I know it's happening again, because I want an e-mail response to an e-mail I sent yesterday, and I still haven't gotten one. And I'm afraid the person will just forget that I said I was hoping they would answer it, and then move on and never get back to it. So instead of letting myself get worked up about it, I'm facing the fact that I can't always get what I want, and leaving someone some space to breathe when they might need it is a nice thing to do. So I can be a freak who's starved for attention, or I can be a nice girl who behaves reasonably. Seems like an easy choice, right? Mm-hmm...

Soooooo...

I have this opportunity to do this really cool and very fun thing that not a whole lot of people (well, not people I know, anyway) get the opportunity to do in their lifetime. But it'll cost me roughly $300 to get to where I need to be to experience said cool thing. Now, I'm not hugely in debt right now...not like I was last year after I first bought the house, and decided that my credit card was my friend, and Dad gives us the gift o' money every year anyway, so I should be fine, etc, etc...no, this year, things are way more under control. In fact, the majority of the expenses that have created the debt I owe are from purchasing tickets to fly to California this year. One time it was $320 for the bachelorette party in Palm Springs (totally worth it!), the next it was $220 for the wedding a month later, $100 for the present for the wedding is on there somewhere. I don't know...I'm not going out every week buying new clothes, or new shit for my house, is my point. I'm travelling to experience things, and to spend time with loved ones. Can anyone really put a price on that sort of thing? And should I be so bothered by $2,000, anyway? I mean, I can pay that off in 8 months, I'm sure! And I won't be travelling again until Christmas, so really, what am I bothered by here?

I'm 70% certain I'm going to go do this really cool and very fun thing. That's progress, considering I was only 60% sure about 5 minutes ago...

May contain insanity...

I don't understand why some milk chocoloate products (M&M's, candy bars, cookies that have milk chocolate in them/on them, etc...) have listed in their ingredients that the products "...may contain traces of nuts." Ok, I do understand that they have to warn people who are deathly allergic to nuts to stay away from the candy, just in case.

But what confuses me is the "may contain" part of the message. Why don't they know for sure? How do you not know what's being put through the machines, or whatever, that are making the candy you're packaging for sale?

And how many other products out there don't have to tell us about the random traces of materials that could be contained along with their packaged product, because they won't cause a horrible allergic reaction for some folks if eaten? Makes me wonder...

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I'm off my game, man...

It's been almost a whole 24 hours since I last posted...am I broken? I don't feel like I've got much to say, I guess. Yesterday, I had info up the yin-yang, but today? Nothin'.

Lakers play tonight. I also am getting my hair done tonight. Ooh! I need to go get some money...maybe that will inspire something postable.

Actually, yesterday, I went to get some money from the ATM, and ran into a something funny story. I was laughing about it the rest of the day, at least. When I went to leave the drive-through ATM area of the bank, some guy was coming in the out driveway. Now, it's just a little transitional driveway to go from one parking lot to another, really, but nonetheless, the driveway I was using was an out only, and this dude was trying to come in it. My window was still open from the ATM action, and so I yelled, "This is an out driveway only, dude! You need to back it up!" And he yells something back at me, but I'm busy putting my shit away, and I was thinking he was going to realize what an asshat he's being, and back the hell up. But he sits there. And so I yell again, and I motion with my hands, and he leans out his window, and yells back at me, and I finally pull up next to him, and I said, somewhat politely, even, "Sir, this is an out driveway...you can't come in this way." And he says, "So I messed up! So what?" And he's still sitting there, so I figure the conversation isn't over, and I say, "Well, so you've made a mistake and you need to back up to fix it, jackass!" I started to drive away, because I was hungry and done with this bullshit, and he says, "Escrew you!" I flipped him off, and I was on my way.

Dumbass. Thinking about it still cracks me up. He was middle eastern, or something, so the "Screw you" had the little extra syllable on there, making it sound more like "Eh-screw you..." And for some reason, that had me rolling on my way to Wendy's.

I need to get out more. but really, why did he sit there and take my shit? So funny...

Monday, June 14, 2004

Excuse me, but have you seen my lake? It was here a minute ago...

Ok, the twin pointed this one out to me...seemed to think it was just generally big news here in the midwest. While it's an odd, and even funnily scary story, I had to explain to her that we actually pay attention to the things like car bombings happening in the middle east, and the fact that President Bush is flying in today to give some big speech on Medicare, and that the thunderstorms that are moving in tonight might be somewhat severe, like the ones we had on Saturday, and that there are two children missing that have probably been killed by their nasty-ass piece of shit dad. We don't always consider that Jim-Bob's son JB, jr learning how to tie his shoe to be big news. (Ok, I didn't have to explain that to her, but it is funny that she thinks that a lake disappearing in St. Louis would be a top news story in KC...but I digress...)

A 28-acre lake gone missing is a rather odd phenomenon, fo sho. I'm sure it IS sorta big news in the St. Louis area, which is where the lake used to be. But we're 4 hours from there, so we really don't care much about a man-made lake disappearing overnight. Except to laugh about it, and be glad that we don't own homes in THAT neighborhood! Here's the link. Enjoy the marshy goodness of the story.

11:11

I know it may sound crazy, but whenever I see a digital clock reading 11:11 (whether it's a.m. or p.m.), I say a little hello to my mother and the dead boyfriend. (a.k.a. Dan...I call him the dead boyfriend, and some people think it's unneccesary. They tell me I should use his name, and they'll simply know I'm referring to the dead boyfriend that way. But I don't know...I've always called him the dead boyfriend. It feels weird to call him by his name, for some reason. And as he is MY dead boyfriend, I think I should get to call him whatever I want. So, nyah.:P) It's sort of like a prayer thing. I often think the same thought. Usually it's a "Oh! There you are! Hello to you, too! Hope things are well for you both, and keep a good watch over me and the family today, ok? Thanks guys! I needed that..." At home, I say it out loud. In the office, I simply smile, and think the thought, so as to not seem like I've completely lost my mind.

But I don't think it's insane to communicate with the dead. It's changed a lot over the years (dead boyfriend has been gone for 7 years June 27th, and Mom has been gone for 6 as of June 13th)...at first, I would talk to them - I mean literal conversations. Usually late at night when I was going to bed, and I could feel them with me. I would ask for help with something or other, and I swear they gave me what I needed. Lord knows if this is actually a normal occurrence when one is going through a grieving period, but I'm telling you, it's like the conversations were two ways, and I could hear their responses in my head. That gradually dissipated...my need to feel the comfort of their lasting spirit waned a bit. I still want them around, but I don't long to feel the pressure of my boyfriend's body against mine as I fall asleep (he was there for me in the beginning, though. It was the oddest thing I've ever experienced) or my mother holding my hand as I drive.

I don't know how or when the 11:11 thing came about, exactly. But it's like it's an agreement we all made. I don't think it happened in a dream. But I just remember that I saw the 11:11 on the clock one night, and I was all, "Oh, there you are! How are you? Thanks for saying hello!" I didn't question it then, but now I just wonder why it is "we" came up with it. And it doesn't happen every day. In fact, it varies a great deal. Lately I notice it when I've had a particularly hard day. Just now I saw it, and I realized that they just wanted to let me know that they're thinkig of me, and that's all. The other night I needed it because I was sort of feeling crummy about my personal life. Sometimes, I notice it while I'm driving along in my car, happy as can be, singing along with my Kate Bush, or The Sundays, or Morrissey, or whatever.

I don't know what it is. But I'm so, so glad I have it. Makes me feel like I never really lost them totally. They're still there, going through the happy times, and the sad times, and even the boredom right along with me.

I asked Dan what he wanted to do in life once (when he was still alive, of course). He thought for a moment, and then said, "I just want to live." I think about that over and over and over in my head. All he wanted to do was to experience life. Is he still getting the chance to do that from where he is, I wonder?

When I think of Mom, I just hear her singing...and I feel her love for me. Such a wonderful thing to have had a mom like her. And I treated her like crap! And she STILL loved me! She knows I'm sorry now, though. No question about that!

Enough of that...I need to head graveside this week, which is why they're on my mind so much. I'm just not sure when I can go. Hopefully it won't rain on Saturday...

Monday, Monday...

I'm a little bit tired this morning, but not in a must-go-back-to-sleep kind of way. Just a bit run down, really. Watched the Laker game last night, and could feel the tired creeping up on me prior to the game starting, so I had a bit o' caffeine post 4 p.m., which is usually a no-no for me. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it might be, though. I went to bed at about 11:45, and read until 12:30, or so. Could've been worse. (I mean, each of the Lakers could have burst into flames while they were attempting to defend themselves against Detroit...that would have really sucked, right? They MUST win game 5...I'll be quite sad if they don't.)

Had a rather bleh weekend, and am hoping everything is going to turn out as it should after the things that went down. I just hate that I'm never sure of the decisions that I make for myself when it comes to the boys I love. But, nothing's really changing, I keep telling myself. And he knows I'm here if he wants me to be something more! It's just that the whole "if you love someone, set them free" thing keeps rolling through my head. I think I did the right thing. And he says he agrees, so we'll just go from here, I suppose. *sigh!* I really wish things could be different, though! Moving on...

This week promises to hold much of the same of the usual for me. Payday is tomorrow, though. And then I'm getting my hair done tomorrow night, which is always a lovely experience. And then dinner with some close friends on Wednesday, which I've been looking forward to for a while. Saturday is still a toss-up for me and whether I'll go to Springfield or not for a retirement party for a co-worker. I think she'd have a better time if I wasn't there...but I'll decide by Wednesday, I suppose. The drive might really do me good. We'll see...

Friday, June 11, 2004

Every goddamn week...

I drink a huge Diet Pepsi every week on Friday at lunch, and then I cannot figure out why the hell I'm all fluttery and antsy the rest of the day. It's another caffeine thing that I do to myself every week, and I don't pick up on the pattern for a while. Like today...I've been feeling ansty for about 2 hours. Couldn't figure it out. Thinking I need to get out, and go out (and all of my friends appear to have left town today for the weekend...the bastards. I know they went on a float trip, and didn't say anything. I need new friends...), and get it out of my system. And then I just realized that it's the insane amount of caffeine I ingested at lunch. I swear that caffeine has some sort of effect on the logical section of my brain. (I get mid-week headaches from lack of caffeine because I only allow myself to have it on weekends, for the most part. Every week, it takes me until late Wednesday night to finally figure out why I have a headache that won't go away after 3 doses of Advil - throughout the day, not all at once - haven't done the job. I get headaches for very specific reasons: PMS, lack of food, sometimes from ponytails, and if I'm sick, which is usually accompanied by lots of other symptoms...So I finally figure out that it's because I haven't had caffeine in 3 freaking days, and I get myself some, and then the headache goes away, and I can think like a normal human being again...)

Caffeine is a strange, strange beast...note the rambly, crappy, "DAMN, what is this chick ON?" post...I need to get out of the office, man...

People are stupid...

I work with a great big group of stupid people. It's fun, in a way. Annoying in others. But today, since it's Friday, I'm going to enjoy it. Because I'm not stupid. And it's nice to have that confirmed, somehow...

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Whoopeeeeee!!!!

It's taco salad day here at 6900 College Blvd. I'm very excited, as those closest to me know I have a severe addiction to the taco salad they make in the deli downstairs, for some reason. I don't know if there's crack in the ground beef, or what. But it's been 3 weeks since I've had it, and I was ready to go begging on the street to get the cash I need to pick it up today at about 12:15. I wound up getting money from the ATM (thank goodness for the weird phatom money in my checking account...appeared from no where, and as it has been there for over a year now, and I'm poorer than I've ever been, I'm using it baby!), so at least I'm not as insane and desperate as I thought. However, had there not been money in my account to be able to get the taco salad goodness, I'm not sure what I would've done, really.

Things are getting better and better this week. I've been active every night when I've gone home, which makes me feel good about the effort I'm making towards not becoming a great big cow. (I like to see myself as being somewhat like a blond Nigella Lawson...curves in all the right places, even if there is a little bit more weight on them than most women would prefer to have. I don't think I'm as tall as her, though. And she has that cool accent going for her, as well...) I also had a chat with the boyfriend (?) last night that (a) made me realize what a jackass I am and have been for probably the last several years, and (b) hopefully helped him to understand that I can't read his mind, and if something I'm doing bugs him, then he needs to tell me. I'm a big proponent of making adjustments to your personality if you know that there's something offensive that you do, and which you know negatively effects the relationships you have with those who matter to you the most. I can be as fun, easy-going, and caring as I like. But if I can't control my urge to attack someone when I think they're making a bad decision, then none of the other stuff matters. I do it to my twin all the time. And I realized I was doing it to the boyfriend when he told me about it recently, as well. Will I be able to change? I don't know. I hope so. I really just feel so strongly about certain things! And I hate to see people I love or care about walking into a potentially hurtful situation, you know? Bleh...

So, here's to hoping for good changes! Anybody have any tips on how to make a positive change in your personality, throw 'em at me...I need all the help I can get, I think!

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Good times, good times.

I was just reading a post over at Tenth-Muse, and it reminded me of a story of my own that I feel like tellin' right now...

My sophomore year in college, I had transferred to Pepperdine from a junior college not too far down the beach in Palos Verdes. (Ok, because of PCH and all the freeway traffic in between, they're actually about an hour away from each other, but I digress...) All of the transfer students lived in a large dorm at the top of the hill near the law library...they were relatively cool dorms - they had 2 rooms each, and a living area that included a kitchen, so we didn't have to rely on dining hall food if we didn't want to. The first semester I was there, I lived with a strange girl...her name was Heather, I think. She was a bit chubby, and had long hair, and she was a shoe/sock fanatic. (She worked at a sock store...a store where all they sold was socks. I shit you not...) She and I didn't get along. We had been on thin ice to begin with, but when I brought a boy home one night that wanted to do more than sleep (and there was NO WAY in HELL that I was turning him down...he was hot!), she lost it completely. Started sleeping in another friend's room all the time, etc.. I decided the honorable thing to do was to move out. My friend Libby was on the 3rd floor, and had terrorists for roommates, and couldn't move out herself (she'd tried), so she asked if I would come live with her. She thought it would be easier to deal with the feminazis if it were two on two rather than just her against them all the time. I was up for the challenge!

So I moved into the dorm with Libby after Christmas break, and things seemed peachy. The other chicks were somewhat odd, but they kept a pretty low profile the day I was moving all my stuff in. I got moved in on a Saturday...my class on Monday was at 8 a.m., or something early like that, and so I went to bed relatively early, since I knew I would be up against the "jetlag" one usually experiences after having been off schedule for a while, and then suddenly has to get up early again on a regular basis.

At about 3 a.m., I woke to a horrible stench in my room. Smelled like someone had burned the hell out of a bag of popcorn, or something. I thought it was Libby...so I wandered out into the hall trying to figure out why in heaven's name there was any cooking going on at all at that hour, and I found my new nasty roommates standing in the kitchen, in their "normal" attire (I'd been warned that they regularly walked around in nothing but t-shirts. I mean NOTHING BUT...we finally forced them to start wearing underwear when they were in common areas. Nasty-ass chicks...), and they were burning bacon to a crisp. As I walked into the kitchen, I saw the bigger one dumping the bacon grease down the sink! I was all, "Dude, you can't do that...it clogs the pipes." She wanted to know where else she was supposed to put it. I said in a can. She didn't have a can, she said. She continued to dump the grease down the sink. I told them that their cooking at 3 a.m. was unacceptable, and had woken me up from a sound sleep. They couldn't have cared less. I went back to my room, and covered my head with my blanket, and tried to sleep. It sucked.

What really sucked was that I couldn't be around any kitchen where bacon was being cooked for a good 3 years without feeling queesy. And I had had NO problems with bacon prior to this incident! They ruined bacon for me for 3 years. Bitches.

A new day...

Ok, so I recognize now how bad an idea it might be to get together with a fellow blogger, and to then have to deal with some of the posts that are out and available for everyone to see. Stuff that I don't know about being shared with anyone and everyone? Huh? Yeah, it hurts. I mean, I guess I just don't understand why, in a grown up relationship, anyone should be keeping anything from the other person. I certainly don't keep anything from him. So I just don't get it.

But I'm just feeling more sad today than anything else. I still want to ask some questions, and figure out what in heaven's name I did wrong. Because if I can't figure that stuff out, then I have no way of knowing how to perhaps avoid the behavior in future relationships, whenever they may happen. (Not soon, I can tell you that much!)

My heart is broken, is the biggest deal. I really thought I had something good...

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

New title...internet advisory is blocking me otherwise...

I'm tired of men saying to me that they are "in a different place" than I am emotionally. And that they "are just looking to have fun". Ok, HELLLLOOOOO!! Since when does it say across my ass that I'm looking for a relationship with someone that will be anything BUT fun??? (No, no!! Please sir...I don't want to hang out and have a good time! I'd much rather dwell on the past relationships I've had and moon over guys that made my life suck, and hope that everything I work for in a relationship turns to a great big pile of SHIT someday soon...)

Big news flash to all men who read this site (of which there is probably one, if that any more...): a person CAN have fun at the same time that they look forward to having a future with their significant other! *gasp!* "No! It can't be! That simply would be a miraculous event, for sure!!"

This isn't to say that everything is going to be peaches and kittens all day long as long as you're in a relationship with someone. I mean, there are going to be some skirmishes and trouble along the way. Since we're not aliens, and we're not all the same mentally, this is a reality.

But for CHRISSAKES!!! If you put it out there that you're a long-term relationship-type-guy, and then you get in it with a chick that is LOOKING for a guy just like you, then don't act shocked when she would prefer to talk about what's going on with you, and gets pissed off when she finds out you're keeping shit from her. Because that? Makes you a jackass.

Stop using that line, guys...it's crap. What it means is that you started feeling something for the girl you're with that scares the shit out of you because when you've felt it previously, you had your heart dragged through the mud. And you're afraid she's going to do it to you too. Just admit that you're not ready to be in a relatioship right now, and don't make it seem like it's the person's fault that you're with because they were open and honest about their feelings for you. It's nasty, and a bitter way of dealing with things. "I just wanted to have fun..." Yeah...I was definitely looking for a relationship with someone that was going to kick my ass every day and make me miserable. Fun wasn't even something I had considered could occur. My bad.

Apparently, I'm feeling a bit bitter...I'd better go.

Quotes and Quotables for $400, Alex...

Saw this at my fave online magazine Tomato Nation:

Consider a man riding a bicycle. Whoever he is, we can say three things about him. We know he got on the bicycle and started to move. We know that at some point he will stop and get off. Most important of all, we know that if at any point between the beginning and the end of his journey he stops moving and does not get off the bicycle he will fall off it. That is a metaphor for the journey through life of any living thing, and I think of any society of living things. - William Golding, "Utopias and Antiutopias"

I thought that such a poignant quote for my day...and possibly my month! I think I might've stopped moving accidentally. And I think I'm not alone...

Work? What's that?

Ok, funny story time. Aaaannnnd...I got nothing.

Sorry...too pissed off right now to be able to do anything other than try to figure out how to get it off my chest. Since the thing I'm pissed off about will only get worse if I write anything about it out here (since, ya know, it's not like it's a fucking BLOG, or anything...), and I really don't know what the hell to do about it anyway. I'm just going to deal with it, and hope it gets worked out.

But I'm seriously getting tired of being the only one making any effort in a couple of relationships in my life right now. Why the hell can't my father pick up the phone, and call my ass, since he's the one that blew me off last week? And now he's mad that I aired it out to two of my sisters. You know what old man? Fuck off!! (Which is a horrible thing to say about your father, but that's just how I feel right now...) And like I said, I can't talk about the other thing, because I'm just not sure who reads this blog, and it's nobody else's business except mine, really. Which is frustrating as hell.

I know I can't make other people happy. I know that. I just wish they'd sometimes allow me to contribute to the contentment they could possibly feel if they'd only let me in. Why don't they just let me in???

Monday, June 07, 2004

I don't bow to Ugoff...but I think he's the shiznit, sometimes.

Has anyone else been royally entertained by those new Burger King commercials with the whole meat in a pouch thing? The Ugoff guy that designs the pouch is the main character? Anyone? Ok, just go check out this website, and roam around a bit, and perhaps it will entertain you as it has me...

I'm lovin' it! (Oops...that's the wrong place, isn't it? Oh well...)

Did the earth stop spinning?

I hate it when my e-mail at work is out of commission. We had a new version of Lotus Notes installed on our servers over the weekend, and so it's been a fun morning trying to get in and see what I can do, and all. Except that for a majority of the morning, my server has been down. I'm on # 6, and my co-worker is on #8. Neither of us can get in. I got in for a while. Was able to delete a couple of useless notes, and then access another one I've been needing in order to complete a report. Said report is now due, and this is when the server decided to stop working again. BAH!!

Ok, so time for another funny memory of me and my best friend from childhood. When I was 17, my friend Mandi was in town at our house for a visit, and we decided we wanted to go see The Silence of the Lambs. A later showing, of course, because that's the only time to see a scary movie. (The fear doesn't have any staying power if you have to walk out into the bright sunshine of day after leaving the theater...) My twin decided to forego the outing, stating that she had no interest in seeing the movie. Alrighty then! Mandi and I headed out the door to see the 9 p.m. show, and left twinner behind. My twin and I shared a 1990 T-bird at the time, but she drove a majority of the time because I was pushy, and I didn't like to drive, really...preferred sitting in the passenger seat giving her shit, or what not. Besides, I regularly wanted to give her a nose full 'o fist because she wouldn't shut the fuck up when I was driving. My point is, she was aware of a problem the T-bird had that I hadn't been privy to. Problem was this: although the gas tank would read as being at about a 1/4 tank full, it was actually almost empty. I had no idea, and Mandi and I drove off into the night with enough cash on hand for the movie and maybe a soda, and that was it.

When Mandi and I emerged from the theater, it was not only late at night, but it was also pouring rain. It had been pouring rain for a while, apparently, as puddles were large, and streets were kind of flooded. No problem...I was a safe driver. We took side streets home rather than the highway. The car stalls at a signal that was about 2 miles from my house, and will not start again. This is when the handy dandy gas reading drops to show it's got an empty tank. NICE!! So we're sitting at this intersection, trying to figure out how we're going to get the car across the street to the gas station that's on the corner. I looked at Mandi and said, "We're going to have to deal with it. We're going to have to somehow steer the car and push it over there, and hope we can at least get it out of the intersection." So we got out of the car and started pushing. People stopped to help, God bless 'em, and we were finally able to get into the driveway of the gas station. I called my parents (from a phone booth that was on a down slope, and had a back-up of water in it that reached my knees...), and Dad was peeved, although I still do not understand why to this day. I mean, it wasn't like shit like this happened to me every damn day, and you'd THINK he'd just be happy to make sure he helped his daughter and her long-time friend stayed safe. No...he was mad we woke him up and he had to put clothes on to come help us out. Whatever! When they showed up, Dad got out of his car, walked over to the T-bird, and proceded to start it. It roared to life without issue. I was dumbfounded, dad was even MORE pissed, and Mandi was trying not to laugh out loud. It sucked. Big time.

I've never had a vehicle run out of gas since. Again, another had to be there sort of thing. And really not so funny as it is a recounting of a sucky situation that once happened. But the phone booth full of water still cracks me up to think about. And the fact that we had no choice but to allow one of the helpful passing motorists actually push our car with her car in order to get the T-bird into the driveway of the gas station. That bit didn't help dad's anger at all. Probably was a bad idea to let him know...

Anyway, being a teenager sucked, but I feel more fulfilled due to experiences like that one...

Ok then...

I finally feel as though I might be pulling out of whatever funk I hit over the weekend. It hit me mid-day on Saturday, and started to ease up a little last night. But then the Lakers lost, and I went to bed kind of mopey again. Woke up this morning feeling a bit more in control. Got to work, remembered that a new version of e-mail was going to be installing itself, and settled in for the challenges that would present. Then my co-worker came in and said something about hearing that the Lakers didn't show up last night. Um, ok, if you DON'T watch the sport, then don't give true fans shit about stuff, alrighty? Because they DID show up...they busted some ASS, even. It's not like they lost by 20 points, smart-pants, they lost by 11, and they had good reason for being out of rhythm. Why do people think it's funny to make comments like that, really? Sheit...

Anyway, I got a bill from my dentist over the weekend that was for the full amount of my last cleaning and little sealant they did on one of my teeth. See, I shouldn't have gotten the bill this quickly (it's only been 2 weeks since I went in for the visit), because first they're supposed to bill my insurance company, and then they can come after me for the left-over amount the insurance company won't pay. So that pissed me off. Then other personal shit started happening, which I'm happy to say seem to be worked out, for the most part. THEN I received some legal docs back on the small claims deal I'm going through with the previous owners of my house. I was excited to see whether they were served or not...and they weren't. Because I'm an idiot and didn't check to see which county Tonganoxie was in for sure. I thought it was Wyandotte, but it's not, and I feel like a total jackass. Now my court date has to be post-poned, and I need to fill out new paperwork to correct the issue. However, I called the small claims office this morning, and I'm happy to say that the docs I need to fill out are being sent to me today, and I do not have to pay a new filing fee of $50 again. That really made me feel better. And it took no time to take care of. Yay! Oh, and the dentist office doesn't know why they don't have my insurance info in their system, but they're going to take care of things for me, because they aren't sure why the bill was sent to me. This isn't the first time they've done stuff like this...and they usually blame me for their mistakes. But I really like my hygenist and the dentist, so I'm not going to go someplace else after I've been going to them as long as I have, you know? It must be really hard to keep track of records you keep on patients that you only see twice per year, I would think...heh.

Anyway, I think I'm feeling better. Although I'm still not in the mood to talk to my dad after the blowing off incident last week. Don't know when I'll get over that, but I hope it'll be soon...

I'm a mess. As usual.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

I'm having the weirdest day!

I feel funky. I'm restless, and annoyed, and lonesome. I've been wandering around doing little things around the house that need to be done, and I've run out of interest in any of them at this point. Mowed the lawn before the rain moved in...started the dish washer, and did a load of towels. Then set myself down to start painting the moldings in my treadmill room...I wasn't sure how it would look, so I thought it'd be best to start in (a) the smallest room in the house, and (b) a room where other people besides me don't tend to spend a whole lot of time. I don't want to move a bookshelf out of the way to get to one corner and then finish the last wall, so I let that be, and just did the exposed part of the molding. And...I love it! I'm kind of pissed that I'm not feeling motivated enough to move the bookcase and finish the rest of the room. But there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. I don't even know where to start to figure out what my deal is. Is it the lack of cash? Is it that my dad blew me off earlier this week when we were talking? Is it that I'm feeling unfulfilled in other relationships in my life right now? WTF???

Ok...hopefully that just helped me get to the point where I can at least shower and try to feel better because I'll be clean. Being a grown up sucks sometimes, is all...

Friday, June 04, 2004

Things look veeeerrrry different in the light of day...

Bleh. WHY in heaven's name was I up until 1 a.m. last night? I mean, yeah, ok I had fun...but what do I think I am? 24? Ugh...being old sucks.

Proxy server crap is keeping me from commenting. So in answer to the comment on the title of my last post, no, I don't consider "boys" to be "toys". But the words rhyme, which is all it takes sometimes when I'm (a) a bit tipsy, (b) kinda sorta tired, and (c) still up at 1 a.m. on a school night. Really, it's a reference to an old Pee-Wee's Playhouse thing. He used to say "I love my toys!" all the time, and it stuck. Lots of little bits stuck from his show. My twin and I are always saying to each other "I bought new dishes!" in reference to a line Miss Yvonne said once when she was telling Pee-Wee what happened when she was sick, and she allowed her dishes to pile clear to the ceiling in the sink. Pee-Wee was in the bathroom while she was telling the story (and we could hear him peeing, no less...love it!), and after she said she let her dishes pile to the ceiling, he called out, "What'd you do then?" And she turned to the camera, said, "I bought new dishes!" and flashed a sparkly white smile and cocked her head cutely. Cracked us up!

Again, though, I say bleh. Hate. Being. Old.

Oh, sweet hangover...ye miracle of thy magical elixer called "beer"...please be merciful! Allow me to work in peace, and to sleep wonderfully when this day finally ends.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

I love my toys...

I had so much fun tonight. Guy friends ROCK!!! I feel like the ones I have I can talk to about anything and everything, and they seem comfy enough to share right back...fun!

Went out in Westport tonight with my co-worker friend from out of town. We started at Harry's on the back porch, had a couple of beers and some food, and then went to Harpo's. I thought the beer would be cheaper (it's not...), and that the entertainment might be better (it was...). We had such a good time. At about 11:30, some guy was out in the alley next to the back porch of Harpo's sawing some drywall. Mm-hmm. We all laughed as he looked somewhat apologetically our direction, and then the band made light of it, and we all laughed some more. Sawing drywall at 11:30 at night on a Thursday? Dude...whatever!

Anyway, bedtime now, and I'm sure I'll be sorry for staying up this late when tomorrow morning comes, but I don't care! I'm looking forward to seeing my boyfriend, and having a good weekend, and all that rot. Woo-hoo for Fridays!!

Happy morning all...

Something funny happened on the way to the internet this morning...

You know what? I just want something funny to happen to me. Seems like it's been years since something random and funny has happened that I could recount in a story to old friends, co-workers, new friends, etc...

I remember years ago when my twin and our best friend and I were all driving someplace in San Juan Capo (where I'm from), and I was in the backseat of our 1990 T-bird when I realized that there was a bee buzzing around the back window. My initial reaction to this discovery was "How the hell did he get in here??" But then I just started scareeeeaaming!! "Augh, there's a BEE in the back window! There's a BEEEE IN THE BACK WINDOW!!! STOP THE CAR! PULL OVER AND STOP THE CAAAAAARRR!!!" My sister kind of pulled over, and we all literally SHOT out of the car through it's two doors (I think I almost climbed over my best friend to get away from the thing...), screaming at the top of our lungs. Now, in the area we "pulled over", there are two gas stations directly across the street from each other. Around three men all saw us screaming and leaping from our car, and came running to our aid. Once they found out what we were freaking out about, two of them left, shaking their heads, and cursing us for being jack-ass females. One noble young man stuck around, and helped us usher the bee from the car. Or he killed it...I can't remember which. Anyway. Funny story, no? Ok, kind of a had to be there thing, but it was funny as hell to my sister our best friend and I. We still laugh about it. I don't know why.

Maybe for the next couple of posts, I'll recount the funny things that used to happen when Laura, Mandi, and I all got together when we were young. That seems like a good idea to me. You wouldn't believe all the fun we have when we're together. I wish we all lived in the same town, really...

What do 2 pennies sound like when rubbed together?

I'm poor. No, I'm poorer than poor...I'm so poor, I'm just po. The rest of the word is out of my means at this point.

And yet I have a lunch with a friend planned for today, and a co-worker in from out of town that I'm going out with tonight, and outlandish electric bills to pay because I was an idiot and somehow forgot to pay it last month. Man, is it because of the full moon that things are going so awry in my life right now? I can't seem to do anything other than piss my lovely boyfriend off for the past 2 weeks, and he doesn't deserve it...not at all. I just don't even know what the hell is up.

All I can say is that my daily horoscope on Yahoo! is off, man...waaaaayyyyy off. All it's talking about lately is how lovey-dovey me and my S.O. are, and how things are peachy-keen in all aspects of life because I'm in such control. Heh. Maybe I've been switched to another sign without knowing it. Or maybe the person who pulls those horoscopes together has found a new drug to play with.

It is June, though. And June is a notoriously icky month for me, really. Two death anniversaries to deal with that were rather significant to me, and are hard to face. A retarded friend is having her wedding on June 26th, which just happens to be the day before one of the death anniversaries.

Blech. Can we get to December already please?

Update: Yeah, I made a co-worker cry just before I left for lunch. Can I catch a break at ALL??? (I sent her an apology note, in case she didn't want to hear my voice on her cell/home phone at all. But I don't know if she'll read it anytime soon. I hope she does...)

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Enough...

As Edie Brickell once put it, "I quit, I give up. Nothing's good enough for anybody else these days..."

What is enough? How do you know when you've acheived the "right" level of happiness, or richness, or contentment? Can it be better? Will we wonder if it can be better when we reach what we used to think of as being comfortable, and then strive to acheive even more than we thought we needed in the first place?

Here's my deal today: I am a healthy girl. No abnormalities to speak of, really, except for my eyes, which are just about blind without the help of contacts/glasses. I've never broken a bone, nor have I had any extended hospital stays for any reason ever. The only surgery I've had was to have my wisdom teeth removed. I'm currently 30 years old, my organs are healthy, my teeth are healthy, and I don't appear to have any limiting disabilities to speak of.

I have never been in a relationship with a man for longer than 10 months. There was one, many years ago, that lasted longer because of the whole bounce back and forth, and continue to sleep with one another until we find someone new deal that happens in broken-up relationships sometimes. He finally found his new love of his life 2 years after we broke up. I dealt with it by moving my ass to Kansas City after I graduated from college. Then I dated a boy for 6 months, sort of. I was in love, he wasn't. Story of my life. Then he died. I didn't date anyone again for 4 years. Not a single date. Met my next boyfriend through a work thing. We dated for 10 months. He cheated on me (without me knowing, sneaky buggar), and decided she was the love of his life. They moved in together after we had been broken up for one month. Next guy was only a friend, but I tried like mad to turn it into what I thought it should be...and I'm glad it never developed into anything beyond the friendship, in retrospect. Then there were two very short lived romances. The first one was worthless...the guy decided he felt a physical attraction toward me, but didn't feel anything emotionally. Ookaaayyy...never heard that one before, but whatever. The next one was just plain weird. I even thought I loved him at one point, but that just had to have been the sex talking, honestly. I mean, he was nothing but a great big dud when it came to relationships.

And this all leaves me where I'm at now. In a relationship where I have no idea what's supposed to happen or what's going to happen. And isn't that how it should be? Do I really believe these people who say, "I just knew I'd marry her the moment I first laid eyes on her..." or, "I told my mom that Blah-Blah was the man for me and that we'd be together forever after we'd only been on one date..."? I don't think I do. And do I not believe them because clearly, I've been cursed in some way to live an eternal life without being loved by a man ever? Or do I not believe them because I wish it would happen to me soooo very badly? I'm not 12, nor am I an idiot. I know that love takes time to cultivate and to develope on it's own. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who thought they "knew the moment they saw me" that they were going to marry me. That seems sort of creepy, to be honest.

All I know for sure is that I'm not going to change for anyone. I tend to keep an open mind to the fact that change is inevitable, and that I need to be open to changing myself as much as I am understanding that we don't all change at the same time and the same pace. I hear suggestions people make. I see and meet new people daily that I admire in new and interesting ways. I like the person I've become over the years because of those influences. But I'm always going to be the girl who grew up with rich parents, who had to fend for herself because her twin had a debilitating and potentially life threatening disease, therefore garnering more attention on a regular basis. I will always consider myself lucky compared to most people on this earth. I will always be comfortable with myself, and happy with the majority of choices I've made throughout my life. (There are one or two...possibly even three...that I would change if I could go back and do so. But regret is an ugly thing to face in your head, so just don't do it...)

I want to grow to be a cool old lady that has beuatiful silvery hair, and who lives in a nice home where I will have friends around, and shuffleboard to play, and people to watch after me. If you want to come along for the ride, even for just a little while, then good luck to you, and I hope you enjoy it!

Inspiring what?

I had a weird dream last night that involved my favorite blogger, Joelle at tenth-muse. Her boyfriend Mikey was there, too. We were playing miniature golf, I think, which makes some sense, since she talked about their Memorial Day weekend in Santa Monica on her blog yesterday, and they played miniature golf while they were there. The weird thing was she had a really heavy British accent. Confused the heck out of me. She's from Texas...I'm pretty sure she doesn't have any British accent. It was fun hanging out with her, though. *sigh!* I wish I could be cool like Joelle...

It's a beautiful here in KC today...looking forward to being able to get out during it to head to an appointment (I don't usually get out much during the day...), and then perhaps futzing around the yard tonight to water things that need it, and to tear out a lovely weed garden that has installed itself in a corner of my back yard. Since Detroit and LA don't start their series against each other until Sunday, I really don't have much desire to watch t.v. right now, so it's a good thing that the weather will be treating us so well this week, I believe. I do need to get my ass back on the treadmill though...want to reach the goal of running 5 miles a day by August. And that's only two months away! Augh!!!

I'm pissed at my dad right now, though. I called him last night to chat, and he was eating dinner. No biggy...he said as long as I didn't mind him chewing in my ear, then he was fine. So we chatted a bit, I told him what was going on with me, and that my major project right now is figuring out how much it's going to cost to remodel my bathroom. He had just told me that it was a bad idea to have my coworker's father give me a quote (he does the remodeling thing for a living, and works at Home Depot as a consultant, even...), and I was trying to figure out why it was a bad idea, when he suddenly said, "You know what? I've got another beep coming in, and my dinner is getting cold, so I'll have to talk to you later..." I was all, ummm, oookaaayyy...and he said goodbye, and I said goodbye, too, but I was very confused by it. My dad blew me off! Whatevah!! I was mad, and a little bit hurt, so I called my twin to talk about it. She helped me, which was nice since she's got a cold and is feeling really crummy. She gave me some good advice, gave me some info about dad and what he's dealing with right now, and told me it might be better to try him this weekend, and then we got off the phone. But I'm still pissed at my dad. You know, he never calls me. And I know he's busy, and all, but I'm his kid, you know? I live halfway across the country, and we don't talk all that often, and he hasn't seen me/talked to me since I was home at the end of April. I know he's probably thinking, "Oh man...here she comes to hit me up for some cash...", and he's right. But guess what? He can afford to give me the cash I need to remodel my bathroom. (Which isn't just a cosmetic thing...the floor is rotting, so it has to happen...) And I pay it back, so he should just deal, and move the hell on. I mean, the man is building a fucking extra house in Vegas where no one is even going to live full time...it's larger than the house he currently lives in with my step mom, and they're going the full 9 yards with this puppy. I don't know if she's preparing to live there full time after he passes away, or what, but I just don't get it. He can definitely spare me the whole guilt-trip he might be thinking of giving me for borrowing a little more cash from him so I can keep my ass from falling through my damned bathroom floor. (Don't think that I'm ungrateful...he KNOWS how grateful I am for his generosity and understanding when it comes to the cash he loans me...AND, I do pay him back. It's all planned out and budgeted in advance before the loan ever happens. I'm a good kid, and I know that money doesn't grow on trees, even for my father.)

Anyway. That's what's going through my head this morning. What a mess, hm?

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Did I ask you? Um, YEAH I did!!

Ok, dumbass, if I ask you to do something very specific in an e-mail...spell it out even, and tell you what needs to be done step by step...and you come back to me saying that you thought someone else was going to do it, you're going to piss. me. OFF! Here's how it works, fucktard...the item in your que waiting for action from you on it? Yeah, no one else can perform that action except you!! Not your mother, not us here at our office, just you. Now, how about feeling important or something, rather than fighting me on that simple, little issue for another 3 e-mails? Do not get pissy with me, as I'm just doing my job (informing you that you're a total information-receptionist reject, in my diplomatic admin way of course) by letting you know that the request you made was denied by the higher ups and it has been sent back to you (and only you!) for resubmission with better justification for the request you're making. I can start a new request myself (because I'm soooooo lucky to be in the special position I'm in), but it still would need to route back to you for your approval. So why not save time, and do your OWN damned job just this once?

Oh, and for future reference, if you're feeling stupid because in your justification on the original request, you stated that the person being demoted was being demoted to the same position they had been in (er doy!), don't get mad at me. I wasn't the person who wrote it. And most of us in the free world who want something to happen based on a necessary justification we submit will review the goddam justification before we send it to make sure we don't say something dumb like "Jill is being demoted from the position of IHLC to be in position of IHLC instead." Um, helllooooo??? Read over what you've written much? Christ!

I know this may seem like a little thing, but it happens every day, and I'm tired of it. Bah!

A Silo Grows in Missouri

How do you spell "silo"? Is that even right? (Thank you spellcheck...now I know fo sho.) Anyway, had a good weekend away from the homestead. Didn't think about gardening, or bunnies eating my favorite little plants, or the walnut tree development in my back yard for a whole 2.5 days. Watched the Laker game on Saturday night, and was glad I was almost three sheets by the time it ended, since they sucked it so hard core. Almost died during a "30-Minute Meals" marathon on Sunday, as my boyfriend snoozed the afternoon away while we were trapped in doors by a rain storm that moved across our area on Sunday afternoon. I napped, too, but only briefly...I think I missed an episode and a half of Rachel Ray. But 4 hours of the chick is too much to handle, Food Network. Hear my plea...don't do it again! Ever. Gah.

Sunday evening, we hit the hot tub. There were other people in it, but they were over 16 thank goodness, because we needed the soothing of the magical jets and the heated goodness of the water. We didn't get that, though. Instead, we were boiled alive and were lucky to escape with any finger prints left after having sat in the tub for a whole 3 minutes. Max temp 104 degrees, my ass.

Yesterday was a really nice drive home. He didn't complain at all when I asked for the pitstops I needed, which was kind, and his annoyance was barely noticeable when I finally ventured to bring up the whole "relationship" shit again. (I think I got my point across, but as he IS a man, it's really hard to tell!) Anyway, I'm dating the sweetest guy on the planet, and I love him to bits, which is all that really matters. It was nice to be able to get away with him for a few days...

But now, back to work. Again. And all kinds of social get togethers are popping up this week out of the blue...supposed to have lunch with new best friend today, but had to postpone till Thursday, because I'm a dope, and left her present at home. Surprise dinner with old best friend and hubby tonight, which might not work out because I didn't realize that boyfriend had plans already for tonight (which I hope he doesn't change on account of this, because dinner with old best friend and hubby can wait, for sure. Really...). Gyno appointment tomorrow. I mean, I'm booked solid, it seems! (Ok, the gyno appointment might not seem all that social of an activity to most, but we HAVE to make it seem fun somehow...)

So thank you Eureka Springs and boyfriend for helping me forget about my regular every day life for a while. We'll have to do it again real soon...