Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Best Of?

I thought I'd re-post one of my favorite posts I've put up in the short almost-9 months I've been blogging. To give a bit of perspective on what I think about myself, and why things are the way they are for me. Hope it helps. I'll be taking a break for a bit, FYI...

June 2, 2004
As Edie Brickell once put it, "I quit, I give up. Nothing's good enough for anybody else these days..."

What is enough? How do you know when you've acheived the "right" level of happiness, or richness, or contentment? Can it be better? Will we wonder if it can be better when we reach what we used to think of as being comfortable, and then strive to acheive even more than we thought we needed in the first place?

Here's my deal today: I am a healthy girl. No abnormalities to speak of, really, except for my eyes, which are just about blind without the help of contacts/glasses. I've never broken a bone, nor have I had any extended hospital stays for any reason ever. The only surgery I've had was to have my wisdom teeth removed. I'm currently 30 years old, my organs are healthy, my teeth are healthy, and I don't appear to have any limiting disabilities to speak of.

I have never been in a relationship with a man for longer than 10 months. There was one, many years ago, that lasted longer because of the whole bounce back and forth, and continue to sleep with one another until we find someone new deal that happens in broken-up relationships sometimes. He finally found his new love of his life 2 years after we broke up. I dealt with it by moving my ass to Kansas City after I graduated from college. Then I dated a boy for 6 months, sort of. I was in love, he wasn't. Story of my life. Then he died. I didn't date anyone again for 4 years. Not a single date. Met my next boyfriend through a work thing. We dated for 10 months. He cheated on me (without me knowing, sneaky buggar), and decided she was the love of his life. They moved in together after we had been broken up for one month. Next guy was only a friend, but I tried like mad to turn it into what I thought it should be...and I'm glad it never developed into anything beyond the friendship, in retrospect. Then there were two very short lived romances. The first one was worthless...the guy decided he felt a physical attraction toward me, but didn't feel anything emotionally. Ookaaayyy...never heard that one before, but whatever. The next one was just plain weird. I even thought I loved him at one point, but that just had to have been the sex talking, honestly. I mean, he was nothing but a great big dud when it came to relationships.

And this all leaves me where I'm at now. In a relationship where I have no idea what's supposed to happen or what's going to happen. And isn't that how it should be? Do I really believe these people who say, "I just knew I'd marry her the moment I first laid eyes on her..." or, "I told my mom that Blah-Blah was the man for me and that we'd be together forever after we'd only been on one date..."? I don't think I do. And do I not believe them because clearly, I've been cursed in some way to live an eternal life without being loved by a man ever? Or do I not believe them because I wish it would happen to me soooo very badly? I'm not 12, nor am I an idiot. I know that love takes time to cultivate and to develope on it's own. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who thought they "knew the moment they saw me" that they were going to marry me. That seems sort of creepy, to be honest.

All I know for sure is that I'm not going to change for anyone. I tend to keep an open mind to the fact that change is inevitable, and that I need to be open to changing myself as much as I am understanding that we don't all change at the same time and the same pace. I hear suggestions people make. I see and meet new people daily that I admire in new and interesting ways. I like the person I've become over the years because of those influences. But I'm always going to be the girl who grew up with rich parents, who had to fend for herself because her twin had a debilitating and potentially life threatening disease, therefore garnering more attention on a regular basis. I will always consider myself lucky compared to most people on this earth. I will always be comfortable with myself, and happy with the majority of choices I've made throughout my life. (There are one or two...possibly even three...that I would change if I could go back and do so. But regret is an ugly thing to face in your head, so just don't do it...)I want to grow to be a cool old lady that has beuatiful silvery hair, and who lives in a nice home where I will have friends around, and shuffleboard to play, and people to watch after me. If you want to come along for the ride, even for just a little while, then good luck to you, and I hope you enjoy it!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi there, arrived at your blog somehow from surfin around and I check it out every once in a while. I'm Becky from Atlanta. Just curious, is Dickhead the same person as Asshole?

lyn said...

taking a break? what? you can't do that. is it because of asshole?

despite what you may think of yourself, you have your life together. it's these dudes that don't. and why should that matter? you are what is important. there will always be men around - you are a great person - totally smart and witty and attractive. so don't let these stupid boys get you down. there are better ways to spend your time. really.

Faith said...

Well helllooooo Becky from Atlanta! Welcome.

No, Asshole is not the same person as Dickhead. Dickhead was the boyfriend I dated prior to dating Asshole. We were together for a relatively short period of time around last Christmas, but he came to the rescue after I broke things off with Asshole, and has been back in my life ever since. (Asshole and I were together for about 5 months, starting last March or April, ending in early July, or so...) But I can see where that might be confusing. Sorry! :)

Lyn, I need a break because obviously, making fun of MY ex on MY blog isn't "allowed" any more, and it's really pissing me off. I need better stories than what I've had lately, too. I'm actually kind of afraid that writing about the shitty side of my life out here all the time is only helping me focus on it more, as opposed to helping me vent it so I can move on from it all. But I just need some quiet reflection to see if that's actually the case. Because maybe I'd be ten times worse than I am if I weren't blogging about how I feel when I feel it no matter what anyone thinks about what I say.

Maybe I'm just a special girl who's able to admit to her faults in a way that's fun for her, and shouldn't worry about the fact that some might find the stuff I talk about to be tasteless.

I'll figure it all out, and come back either a changed woman or the same fucking way I am right now. :) But I just need a little time. Maybe until next week, or so. We'll see. I can't imagine it'll be long, though.

lyn said...

i know it's not always fun to write about the crap, but blogging about the crap helps me through it. plus all the advice is priceless.

take a break if you must, i'll be back to read you when you're here again.

take care!!!

P. McB. said...

First time commenting, but been reading here for awhile now. I forget how I found it, but it was a link from another Blog I read regularly.

Don't let what Tony said get to you. Your blog is exactly that... your fucking blog. Write what you want, went you want. Nobody is forcing him to read what you write.

Great blog btw. Keep up the good work, and don't let us men get you down.

Mark said...

I can only repeat what I've seen other girls say about writing about the crap stuff - it does help them through it. Even if nobody sees it. It's that talking a problem out thing that girls do.

Besides, I'm not really looking forward to driving all the way down there just to get a dose of your life. =P Now that would be an interesting experiment - don't post for a week (maybe month) and see how crowded Moose gets? lol

OK - I'll go back to lurking status. Hope you make it back soon! =)

Lushy said...

"I will always be comfortable with myself, and happy with the majority of choices I've made throughout my life." - That's awesome. You are better off than 99% of the people out there!

I hope your break is helpful. We'll look forward to your return....we like you just the way you are!

Anonymous said...

Faithsista, I should probably just let the matter drop BUT I just wanted to apologize if I offended you in any way with my jokey comments regarding your previous post. I enjoy your writing, I think you have a unique voice and you’re one of my regular reads. I believe you are an intelligent and insightful woman and your writing regularly makes me laugh. However, I was just not comfortable with you divulging very personal details and private medical information of someone whose identity can be easily discovered on the Internet. I hope I’m not a “heartless” man but I also hope you understand that no one has the market cornered on suffering as far as matters of the heart are concerned. Thankfully, there are more important things to worry about then the sordid details of our collective love lives. Again, if I offended, I truly apologize and I look forward to your triumphant return to your blog. Take care.

Peace,

Tony

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Faith said...

FYI Tony, I did see the humor in your post last week. You always crack me up, in fact. However, I did NOT think it was appropriate for you to suggest I take down my post. That's what sparked the mad reply on my part.

Also, go back to Asshole's blog from around July and August. You'll see that I didn't mention anything that he hadn't aired himself way back then. He was continuously depressed, and spoke openly about going off the anti-depressants in mid-August, I think it was.

Anyway, thanks for the comments everyone. Just need a little bit more time, I think...