Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Wow...what a way to kick off a new year.

I've got a ton of shit on my mind. It's a mess inside my head this morning. Here's what's up:

The retreating thing worked too well, it seemed. Might've backfired, in fact. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I look forward to seeing Dave every day, but that's not something I can say to him at this point without him turning tail to run as fast as possible in the other direction. And if I don't want to get hurt, I have to try to ignore that desire to see him every day if I can. I think I did a pretty successful job of it yesterday, and he made it clear when he called me last night that he was looking forward to seeing me yesterday and was disappointed that he didn't. So that's that. I'm hoping he feels ok enough tonight (he was catching a cold as of Sunday...), and that the ice storm we're supposed to get will hold off and be mellow enough that we won't have any problems seeing each other. Because holy shit, do I like this man.

The Twin and I talked last night (I was overanalyzing my last conversation I'd had with Dave, and needed her to bring me out of it...), and she told me about some shit that happened at Dad's house right after I left last week. It's a mess of things to think about. But basically, my family (meaning my older sisters and my dad, I think) believe me to be a very unhappy, angry person due to the way I speak to them sometimes.


Alright, here's the deal folks: I really despise and find it hard to tolerate what I consider "stupid" behavior. It goes without saying that we all behave stupidly at times, and I'm guilty of it myself often, so I'm not saying I'm perfect and everyone else sucks, nyah. No...what I am saying is that if you do something to piss me off, chances are I'm going to let you know about it. Why it is that people think that we should internalize all the bad feelings that we have is beyond me, really. I don't do it. I don't think it's healthy, and I don't think it's wise.

I am NOT unhappy and angry. And I'm not in denial about the true state of my emotions. I'm in control of myself. I love the life I've created for myself. I've never, ever been a very touchy-feely lovey-dovey type of girl. Not towards my family members, not towards my friends, not towards anyone other than the boyfriends I've had, it seems. But I'm also not a person on the edge of reason who's about ready to whip out a pistol the next time someone decides to go 25 mph in front of me on a street where the maximum speed is 40, or something. I'm somewhere in between. I tend to self-love when I'm going through a hard time. Having people come to me with their "oh, don't worry...everything will be alright someday" bullshit is not something that helps me through the pain or anger or sadness when it hits me. Crying when I feel the overwhelming need to cry helps me. Talking to the Twin about bullshit topics like t.v. shows or what her crazy kids did that day helps me. Unwarranted hugs and sappy condescention do NOT help me. So just because I reject them, that doesn't mean that I'm bitter or angry or in need of some kind of mental help.

When I was home last week for Christmas, our step-brother was able to hang out with us on Christmas day and watch basketball and football, and all that sort of good stuff. My step-mom had told me early in my visit that he was really looking forward to watching the Laker game, and wanted to be sure to arrive before it started. He called the house on Thursday night, I think it was, and even though I haven't seen him since my father's wedding in October of 2003, I spoke to him like I was getting together with a buddy to hang out like old times. Because that's what I do best...hang out, drink beer, and watch sports. I asked him if I could pick anything up in prep for the game watching festivities...I would be making a beer run on Friday, and I'm a Bud Light drinker. He said he actually drinks Crown Royal. I told him we'd be ready for him, and then I handed the phone off to my step-mom.

Apparently, the conversation I'd had with him was very pleasing to her. She made a point to tell my older sister that she thought it was very cool of me to have spoken to my step-brother in the familiar manner that I did, and it really made her happy to know that he would feel so welcome to join the family on Christmas. My older sister told me about the conversation she'd had with step-mom, and I was all, "Aw! That's nice! I'm glad I made her feel good. I mean, that's how I would talk to most of my friends, and I'm always happy to have someone to watch the games with, so it wasn't a big deal or anything..." She insisted it was a big deal. And then she brought it up to me around 3 more times over the course of my visit. Really, I didn't mind, but wasn't once enough? That sort of thing is something that irritates me, just to give y'all an idea. I don't know why it does, but it just is the way it is.

Later in the evening on Christmas, that same older sister asked me if I would consider dating my step-brother.

:I (I'm making this face a lot lately...)

Ok, just looking at the obvious here, I live in fucking Kansas. And the step-brother is in California. Secondly, um, he's my step-brother, and not only is he soooo not my type, he's my step-brother. Something about that icks me out beyond belief, but you have the idea, so I'll move on. Thirdly, just because people enjoy watching the same types of programming on t.v. and can throw back a few in one sitting does not mean thay'd be a cute couple. So right off, I was offended by the suggestion. To me, it just seemed like such a silly, crazy thing for someone to even think of, for some reason. I'm sure that some may disagree. But anyway, I reacted like a 12 year old by saying, "Ew! He's my step-brother! And I live in Kansas!", and I thought the topic was over and done with. Unfortunately, I was wrong. She approached me again in the morning on Sunday. Said it again. This time I looked at her dead in the face and told her that I didn't know what the hell she was thinking, and asked her to please drop it. She was offended by my reaction. I told her that I thought we had covered the issue sufficiently the night before, and didn't realize it was going to come up again. She didn't remember talking with me about it the night before, and said she was sorry, but that my reaction was so out of line, and I had "hurt her feelings".

Guys, if you want to make me more mad than anything else, I beg you to broach an inappropriate subject with me, immediately get offended by me expressing my opinion of it's inappropriateness, and then tell me that I have hurt your goddammed feelings. It drives me to madness when people say that to me. Grasp the concept that you are in control of how you feel, and what I do, say, or how I behave should have no impact on that.

So I apologized, told her that I didn't mean to offend her, but that I simply wanted the subject dropped, and respecting that request would be awfully nice on her part. I didn't put it exactly like that, but it's the jist. She's still holding onto the fact that I behaved the way I did, apparently. She is the forerunner in the "Faith is unhappy and angry" fan club, and I really don't understand the random focus on it all of a sudden.

So that's where my head is at right now. My abrupt and serious tone is making my family think I need happy pills, my new beau is driving me to insanity in a fun and exciting way, oh...and work sucks and I'd better get back to it now. Thank GOD for the short week!


lyn said...

this is why i like you. we're not about bullshit. and it pisses people off. they want everyone to be so politically correct. well fuck em. they need to check themselves and get over it.

and it sucks that your family (except for the twin) doesn't get it. but hey, at least you dont have to deal with it all the time.

hope you get to see dave tonight. go usc!!!

FaithsTwin said...

Lyn, you rock.

You see, our family is a bundle of messed up oddity. My Twin and I are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, however, we have been through our tough times and lord knows we didn't turn around and say, "That was because Mom and Dad fucked up while we were kids."

Yes, this is how a couple of other people view life in our fam.

They blame their own shortcomings and ability to make mistakes (though they have all rebounded VERY well) on situations from their childhood that make it, apparently, ok for them to have done what they have done.

Not many people know this, but before I got divorced, I actually was one of those Mom's who contemplated killing herself and her kids. My Twin helped me through a LOT of those times, but I needed to be hospitalized and no one actually took that final step to DO that for my girls.

So I did. I left. I moved out of my house, left my kids with their Dad and lived alone for 6 months. I know it wasn't a hospital, but I was so afraid of losing my girls (hence never actually going THROUGH with the plan to close the garage and turns on the car) this was all I had the guts to do.

I actually was about 1/4 of a mile from them, went every morning to take them to school and picked them up in the afternoon, but when I was alone, I was "self-healing."

I meditated, I played on the pc, I walked and swam daily, I lost 30 lbs (only to gain it BACK when I moved in with the ex at the end of 6 months, but I digress). I actually NEEDED that time to NOT feel horrific about myself. However, I was clearly nutso.

Though my ex was largely at fault for helping me get to the point I was at (mental and physical abuse were the key points, although there were other things involved) I have NEVER said he was *THE* reason for my breakdown. *I* had let it go that far. Me. Myself. And ONLY I.

Faith and I have always been understanding to that within ourselves and our sisters have seemed to love to say that we are who we are because of the way our parents raised us.

Not that that is a bad way to deal with things, but it isn't OUR way of dealing with things. And it makes us VERY different from them. But it doesn't make us misunderstand them any more or less. It just frustrates us because they are grown beings who act the way they do. And they thinks Faith needs to change. And maybe she will. Maybe she won't. But what should it matter to them? Will they love her any less because she is different than they are when she speaks to them? I hope the hell not. Because, as much as they probably think we are off our rockers, I think Faith and I are very grounded and deal with life in a healthy way due to our ability to see that when we fuck up, WE are to blame.

Sorry this is so long Twin! I have to go now. Hang in there with work and all. :) :) :) =P

Mark said...

I couldn't agree more and know the feeling.

Happy New Year, by the way. =)