Thursday, March 31, 2005

Moley, moley, moley, moley! MOLE!

I have relatively clear skin. I get zits, just like the normal girl that I be, but I don't freak out about them, because they aren't nearly the horrible little suckers I used to get when I was a pre-teen/teen-ager prior to my discovery of the fact that what you eat DOES make a difference, and I cut out all dairy.

I developed a lovely case of melasma (discoloration of the skin that makes it darken a bit abnormally) a couple of years ago due to a switch in birth control. I have since switched back to my old kind of birth control pills, but it hasn't helped the melasma much, to be honest. I haven't developed any additional spots, though, so that's good. And the spots I do have are in places where it just looks natural, really...across the top of my cheekbones under my eyes, and that sort of thing. Looks sort of like discoloration due to freckles after I put make-up on. So it's not so bad.

But today, I noticed that my "liver spots" are growing in number and are becoming more obvious to me when I glance in the mirror. I used to have just the one up by my right eye. It's been there for years, and was one of the reasons I quit tanning on purpose, and started wearing a minimum 25 SPF at all times on my face. Since the melasma occurrence, I have started using an even stronger 25 SPF on my face. First I used one that they sell at my dermatologists office for $100 a tube. But that's just not realistic, people. It's a cool formula, yeah, because even though it's zinc-oxide based, it doesn't make me look whiter than I am. It had a nifty way of sinking in on my skin that wasn't greasy feeling, or mask-ish, or anything. But I can't afford to keep using that stuff, so I found an alternative when I was at Sephora last year that does the job. It does make me a bit "white", but my foundation helps that problem, and I'm more concerned about the health of my skin than I am about whether I look a bit paler than I should.

Anyway, I now have another liver spot on my right cheek, another one right below that which is a bit larger, but not too dark, and then two on my left cheek, both of which are relatively new, and are pretty pale at this point.

I call them "liver spots" because they aren't birth marks. My mom always had skin abnormalities like this, too. And we called them "liver spots" so that's what I call mine. I don't know why we call them that. Because they're the same color as liver? No, that doesn't make sense. I don't know. They aren't birth marks, though. I guess they must be moles. The one next to me right eye worries me the most, if that's the case, because it seems to be getting darker, and it has one very dark, but teeny-tiny, spot on it's upper edge.

None of them are raised or getting larger in size, though. They've pretty much stayed the same as they always have been since they originally showed up. Except for their deepening in color, as of late.

Why are they so much more obvious to me all of a sudden? Should I worry about them? There's not much I can do to help, as I already take call the precautions in the world when it comes to being in the sun for even a 15 minute period of time.

Anyway, just thought I'd share my liver spot horrors with you. I'm still pretty as hell, dammit, so it's not like it's making me all self-conscious and making me think I'll never get laid again because of my spotty face. Huh-uh...but I do probably need to visit my dermatologist again soon. Dammit.

The days of crazy...

Yesterday was an out and out NUTTY day. Constant phone calls, travel arranging, money-fixing, HR follow-upping...I thought I would lose my head. Until I called the Twin and heard her 5 year old crying constantly because...well, because life sucks when you're 5, apparently. Twin wasn't sure why she kept crying, but she was sure it was starting to bug the hell out of mommy! It always helps me to call the Twin and hear about the stress I don't have to deal with ever.

I've got a list of things to take care of today, so hopefully it won't get as crazy as it did yesterday. I couldn't believe the amount of issues that just sort of popped up and needed to be handled! I was able to get out of here at 5:15, though, and that's all that matters.

I was watching Pirates of the Carribean: the Curse of the Black Pearl this morning as I got ready for work. Man, I love that movie. Johnny Depp is rad. All movies should be so entertaining, IMO. I like the dialogue, and the way the story unfolds, and the pretty, pretty people to look at (ok, the Black Pearl pirates aren't pretty, but you know what I mean...), and I like the ending. It's just a perfect movie. Good way to start the day. Except that I wished that I could sit on my ass and watch the rest of it rather than climb into my car and have to drive to work. But we's gots to pay the bills, yo.

Trees are blooming all over the city. It's lovely. :)

This post has been all over the place, but I warned you with the title, and all, so I don't feel bad.

My local "alternative" station plays the Beastie Boys WA-HAAAAYY too much. And they only play, like, 4 of their songs. That "Hey, LADIES!" song, "Brass Monkey", that "Girls!" song, and the " sleep in Brooklyn" song. I don't know the titles of the songs, because I've never particularly cared much for the Beastie Boys. And now I hate them even more. Thank you 96.5 the Buzz. You overplaying assholes...

Alright, I've wandered about in here enough at this point. I'm gonna get to work now, and I'll talk at yous all a bit latah...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Need to get it off my chest...

Dear bartender friend (who doesn't read this blog, so I can say everything I wish I could say to your face...),

Thanks for calling tonight and reinforcing the reason behind my decision not to call you for the past 2 months. You were drunk and barely understandable (at 7:35 p.m. in the evening), but I could definitely make out the words you were saying that were berating me for not having called you in over a month.

Ok, here's a clue for ya: You give me shit for continuing to go to the bar that you got your ass fired from. You ask me to drive your drunk ass around town. You're abrasive and nasty to the friends I introduce you to. Hell, you left me at a party you invited me to where I knew no one after we'd only been there for a half hour because you'd done 4 shots within the first 15 minutes of arriving and decided you wanted to go home before you got too drunk to drive! Thank goodness I'm a friendly person that makes people feel at ease, and I was able to stick around and have a good time for another 3 hours after you'd left.

No, I haven't called you for 2 months. I feel sad for you sometimes, because I don't think you realize that you're so nasty to your "friends". But then I get over it, and recognize the fact that I don't know you well enough to want to stick around and try to be the one that tries to show you the error of your ways. You recognized your alcoholic tendencies the last time we all went planned on doing something about it. Clearly, that plan has been shelved, if not completely forgotten. (I mean, you were drunk when you made the plan, so maybe you just plum forgot about it, eh?)

I'm not in the mood to try to summon the energy I need to have in order to hang out with you. I don't want to talk about all the bad shit that happens in your life (which, by the way, is mostly because you bring it upon yourself, duh...), and I don't want to hear your pissy tone as you mock me for continuing to go to the Moose to hang out. I don't want to listen to your grating voice as you talk about how you're completely OVER your ex, even though you continue to go to the places he hangs out at, and you even buy shots for him and his now-fiance. Why? Why do you do that? It's so fucked up...

So please, let's just let it be. We don't run into each other ever, because we don't hang out at the same places. The bar you work at makes my head hurt, so I probably won't run into you there very often. We live very different lives, and while we have a couple of friends in common, that doesn't seem to cause us to come together very often any more.

And let me just say that while I hadn't called you for the past 2 months, you hadn't called me either, sista. Which you should have done to apologize for your treatment of me when we got together for the Super Bowl. There's only so much bitching, moaning, and picking a girl can take. And between you and Dave over the past few months, dammit, I have had enough.

Thanks for caring,

Puppies and kittens and big, fluffy clouds...

I need positive imagery right now. PMS. PMS. PMS!!!

Ok. Back to normal size font. I just needed to get that out.

Earlier, my ass smelled like serious ass. I don't know what was going on, but it was not pleasant, and I was rather irritated with the fact that I was the one that had to take my bladder to the ladies room for relief, it was such an icky experience. It's all back to normal now, but it's left me going, "WTF?" I hope it stays wherever it got itself off to.

The company I interviewed with last Friday has not called me back for a second interview, so I think I can safely place that experience behind me. I'm fine with it. I'm a que sera, sera type person when it comes to shit like that. It would have been nice, but if it wasn't meant to happen? Then tough cookies for them. I hope the choice they go with is ab fab.

Ok, back to the pile of fun on my desk. It's almost the end of the day! WOO!

Monday, March 28, 2005


I just had to write a note to the guy I went out with on Saturday to let him know that (a) he's coming on too strong, and (b) I didn't feel a spark between us.


He called me TWICE yesterday! I mean, 24 hours hadn't even passed between the last time we saw each other and the time he called to wish me a happy Easter and to say "hey". And then he called again just before my bedtime. I didn't answer either time, because I wasn't in the mood to make small talk and to make a conversation happen. He's one of those guys that you have to talk to in order to keep things going. Madness!

So I feel kind of bad, but honesty is the best way to go. I turned my phone off tonight, because I don't want to hear it ring. I don't want to talk to Dickhead, I don't want to talk to the date from Saturday, and if the Twin were to call, she'd leave me a message, and she wouldn't be offended if I didn't call her back until tomorrow.

I'm just in a quiet, PMS-y, "me" time kind of a mood. I cut up veggies and I baked some turkey (I eat it for a snack every day) and I sat and watched the Bachelor (I know, I said I wouldn't, but it was incredibly different this time. Besides the women being idiots, and the bachelor being a big, dumb piece of putty for ABC to play with for the next 2 months...). I'm thinking about the possibility of a new job, and the fact that my friends near and far are going through difficult issues and having surgery and shit, and the whole why-do-bad-things-happen-to-good-people argument with God. I don't want to deal with anything else right now.

But my headache did go away finally. So that's nice.

I just wish I could know how it's all going to turn out. Will I be alone forever? Fine! Let me know about it now, though, so I can stop wasting people's time talking about dating, and going out on dates with them, and discussing the best way to meet new people. Or will I find that guy that makes my heart go pitter-patter, as I do his? Even if I know that it's going to happen when I'm fucking 65 years old, at least I'd know. The wondering and the dating and the moving from person to person is getting old and boring. And it's not supposed to be like that.

Wow. I'm awfully pessimistic in my PMS this month. Damn!

3 out of 4 isn't bad, right?

3 of the 4 teams I picked for the Final 4 are going to St. Louis. I picked Illinois, Louisville, North Carolina, and Duke. Who knew that Michigan State would be such a powerhouse? Not I. I can't wait to see what happens...

Is anybody else tired of Ashley Judd showing up all over little sports things here and there? I guess I've seen a fair share of Kentucky games this year, and she seems to be at every one of those things. The cameras all love to focus on her when things are going well for the team. It's ridiculous. I also saw an interview with her recently at some race...since her hubby is a nASCAR driver, or whatever, that made sense to me. But someone asked her if she's ever thought of going into sports broadcasting, and she was commenting back on that, and I wanted to throw up, so I turned the channel. She has a fucking career. Let's leave her to that, shall we?

My date on Saturday was fine. No sparks, unfortunately. And the guy called me twice yesterday. Which is excessive for the day after, IMO. So now he's bugging me already, which isn't good. I need a break from dating, for sure. I'm very happy all by myself right now, thank God.

Saturday, I went to the Moose to watch the Louisville game, and Dave was there, of course. Everything was fine, though. I ignored him, and he said hello to me when I got up to go to the bathroom at one point, and I said, "Hi." That was it. Then later, he mentioned to me that our other friend Dave had gotten a job, and I said, "That's great! I hope it works out for him." And then that was that. As he was leaving, he made some mention about how he was surprised I was rooting for Louisville, since I bet him and some other person that they were going to be taken out by Wake Forest. I said, "Dave I haven't talked to you in over two weeks, since before the tournament started, and I certainly haven't discussed my bracket with you. I picked Louisville to win the whole thing, so I don't know who the fuck you made that bet with, but it wasn't me." Then he left, and I was happy again. Until Tall Mike came in, and plopped himself down next to me to eat his dinner. Jerk. I was done, anyway, was definitely time to go home, as I was ready to start hitting on a cute guy down the bar that had a wedding ring on.

Sunday was the laziest day I've had in a looooong time. I didn't leave my house. I laid around in my pj's and watched movies and basketball and that new show called "Grey's Anatomy" on ABC after Desperate Hoochies was over. The reason why I wanted to watch "Grey's Anatomy"? The music they play during the show kicks ass. I love it. And it wasn't a bad show, really. Plus, I love me some Patrick Dempsey, my friends. Oh yes, he is a hottie.

And that was about it. Now I must get back to work, and stop stressing over the little things that are going on around me right now. The insignificant, stupid bullshit like the fact that since Dickhead has moved to northern California, he's become even more of a dickhead, if that's possible. And the possibility of a new job. And all that sort of stuff. It's all just a bunch of crap swimming around in my brain right now. But it'd be odd if there wasn't random shit just rolling about in there, I s'pose.

WOOHOO!!! I just got the standings for the pool I'm in at work, and I'm #1 baby!!! I knew I'd be in a good spot, due to the fact that out of 59 people, I'm the only one that picked Louisville to win the whole kit and kaboodle (and hopefully, they'll pull it off!), but I didn't think I'd be in the #1 spot! Man, I am in such a good mood, even the funky headache I have can't get me down. WOO!!, I say...

Friday, March 25, 2005

Update to end the week...

The first interview went was with the HR director, and she was a very cool chick. I learned all kinds of stuff about the company and the transition it's going through. My would-be boss is "intense" she says. Sounds good. I dig the intense guys. They bring a passion and excitement to a job for me that makes me very happy. And sometimes stresses me out so much that I get stomach aches, but that's never a big deal, as long as the money is there.

Anyway, if they invite me back for a second interview, it will happen next Tuesday or Wednesday. I don't know what I'll use an excuse with the coworkers in that case. I told them I was going to the dermatologist today. I guess I could hope for a lunchtime appointment, and say I'm going to meet up with Old Best Friend (whom I haven't seen in ages, but I digress...). But we'll have to see.

It was weird, though. I was soooo nervous before I left the office for the interview, I thought I might actually throw up. I mean, I had to breath slowly to make it not happen. And I was sitting here telling myself that it's not a big deal, really. I still have a great job that I'm very comfortable with and am happy at most of the time. But I think the nerves came from the lying to my coworkers about where I was going, and about what's happening. I don't usually share this sort of thing, by any means. Not with all of them. But I do with the one. And I'm not telling her this time because she's got a lot of shit going on right now, and she gets freaked out when I talk about interviewing. I hate doing that to her. I freak out when I hear her talking about doing it, too. So I can understand what she's going through. But there's totally no point in even bringing it up until an offer is on the table. So I'm being sneaky and conniving, and it's very uncomfortable for me. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel ill again, so I'm going to stop thinking about it now...

I also have a date with a cute, sweet, funny boy tomorrow...for lunch this time. I'm not taking any chances. :) I'll be drinking Diet Coke, thankyouverymuch. I'm looking forward to hanging out with this one. He seems to be very similar to me in lots of ways, so it should be interesting.

And that's what's going on with me. Tonight, I will be watching movies that I plan on renting, drinking some beer, eating some of the BEST moo shu (or is it mu shu?) chicken in the fucking world, and hoping that my picks make it to the Elite Eight. Last night, Illinois pulled off a win, and I watched as Louisville beat Washington (YES!!), and then I went to bed before the other games were finished, so I have yet to check out my bracket on that. West Virginia took out Texas Tech, thank GOD, because I was tired of those fuckers being in the dance. Neither one of them were my picks to advance this far, though, so all I can hope for is that Louisville keeps up the good work, and kicks ass like I chose them to do.

I love this weekend already, and it hasn't even started yet. :D

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Little buns give me a headache.

I have little buns in my hair today...two of them. And while I love the way they look, and always tend to wrap my hair into them for my second-day hairstyling (I only wash my hair every other day during the week...), they hurt my head. Little buggars.

Potentially big stuff is happening. Big, big, big stuff. Not sure what'll pan out yet, but here's the run down: I have a buddy at my old temp agency keeping her eye open for new positions for me. It's been 3 years for me here at my current company, and while things have settled down considerably from the unhappy, shitty place they were a few months ago, I still feel like it's time to move on. IF the right thing comes along, that is. I want to work for a single exec. Not a couple of managers, as well as all their little peons below them. That lends itself to a constant babysitting situation in the admin world, and I HATE babysitting. I want to work for one person who has their shit together and knows what they need from me performance-wise on a daily basis. And who knows that I'm there for them, and only them, all the time. It's the relationship I used to have with my brother-in-law when I worked for him when he was COO of a company and we worked together in northern Cali. It was fantastic.

Anyway, the temp company that originally placed me at this here fine company I currently work for is one that I remain in contact with on a regular basis, because they supply us with our temps 90% of the time we have them in the city I work in. I sent my resume to my contact there about 2 months ago, and she called me today. With a fabu opportunity. It's an exec admin job for the CEO of a company that's in the same field I'm currently in. In the same city. And it's a young, cool environment, it seems. (I guess the other people they've sent over for them to interview were not the right fit. They want people with only 3 - 5 years of experience rather than 20 years. Works for me.) I'm a shoe-in for an interview, which will likely happen tomorrow. AND, they're starting the pay at $40,000, which is the minimum I'm willing to leave this job for. We're set to get raises in the next 2 months here, and my boss told me that he's requested the highest percentage they're giving per person for me this year, but there's no telling what that is. And even if they give me a 6% raise (which is NOT going to happen...), it still wouldn't put me at $40,000.

I have a feeling that if I tell him that I've gotten an offer elsewhere for $40,000, it might kick in some sort of counter-offer. (He really values my presence here in this region. As he should.) But that's all just conjecture, really. He might be so pissed that I went to interview elsewhere that he might tell me to fuck right off. Who knows? He's a cool guy, we get along pretty well, and he has to understand that I'm young, I'm alone, and I've got to do what's in my best interest. But who knows, really.

Anyway, it's making my heart go pitter-patter right now. My contact at the temp agency is submitting my resume, and we should hear back by this afternoon whether they want to meet with me or not. So we'll see...

I'm going to go get some Advil for my bun-head now. I'll keep y'all posted on what happens. (With the job thing. Not the headache thing. Because I know you could give a shit about my bun-head. :)

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Life is aimless and wandering right now. Leave a message at the beep.

There's nothing going on right now. Work is slow, and homelife is slow. It's pleasant in it's own little way, because I know that this is a quiet before a storm, for sure. But in the meantime, I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored...

Blogs are disappearing slowly. Some for work that apparently needs to be done, and some just because it's become normal for them to disappear every few months for a while and then pop up someplace else. What's Ms. Pants up to? And Sheri? Um, where the hell did you go, sista? Of course, I'm missing you guys while you're off sorting through things...

I need a break, I think. A great, big travel around the world type of break. A disappear into the hills of the south of France and explore funky little towns kind of a break. Something new to talk about. New jokes to discuss. While I love the new show "The Starlet", I think the Twin and I are the only ones watching it in the world, so I'll spare everyone the rundown of what I think is fun about watching it. Plus, I actually do enjoy's not like the pure torture that watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette brings on. (Which, by the way, the next season of The Bachelor starts next Monday. And I'm not gonna watch. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Dammit. But the thing is, I'm pretty sure I am. Because Monday nights suck for t.v. until Supernanny comes on at 9 p.m.)

I almost want to move, I'm so bored with life right now. I need a new boyfriend I think. Someone to distract me and give me little fun things to talk about and to have funny moments with, etc, etc...

If I didn't hate boys so much right now, that might actually be a possibility. I might get a date this weekend. We'll see. I'm hating myself, and as I'll be in full PMS mode by the time Saturday rolls around, I don't know that I'll actually be up for it. But the latest guy I'm chatting with is funny and cute and he lives out in a cool BFE area on the Missouri side that I'd love to be hooked into. And getting together with him for a little bit would be fun, for sure. Maybe one of my classic dates where I go out to dinner with someone, and then we go to a bar to drink and then sober up as we people-watch and talk all night long. I haven't had a date like that since last year at about this time. I'm definitely ready for it.

Ok, I'd better get on with the exciting task of FILING that I have waiting for me. Woo! Filing ROCKS!!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Man, oh man...

I think maybe the date from the other night might've found my blog. The e-mail he sent me wasn't specific, but he was apologetic for making me uncomfortable and for interrupting my weekend at all. Sort of makes a girl think.

This is why I would never tell a guy that I date about my blog, or how to find it, or anything of the kind. I did mention that I blog when we were watching the game the other night, and with enough ingenuity, it's not very hard to find this blog if you know my e-mail address and can locate a search engine. But it's only going to open you up to a world of pain if you date me and then check out this space. Because I put it all out there.

Why do I stay anonymous again? Oh yeah! So people don't find all the shit I'm saying about them!! Der.

Ok, "The Starlett" is on, so I must run. Remember, if you've dated me, you don't want to revisit this site ever. Just not a good idea. So, buh-bye now!


It's snowing like a muthafucker outside right now.

Crazy-ass Midwest weather...

This is a slow, sloooowww day.

I just went in the ladies' room on my floor, and there was a woman standing in there when I walked in. She was just leaning against the stalls next to the right-hand sink, not doing anything, apparently. I peed, and then I came out to wash my hands. I turned my head slightly to look at her, and I smiled, and got nothing back. So, ookaaayy...even more creepy now. She had a pile of clothes next to her on the counter, and there was a 64 oz soda sitting next to the sink I was washing my hands in. Maybe she'd already had one, and she knew she'd have to pee soon, so she was just waiting for it to come? I don't know. I thought it a bit odd, and when I got back to my office, I called our building management to report her. Hell, there's a law office on my floor...for all I know, she's one of the many disgruntled folks out there who are suddenly having a come to Jesus with themselves, and are deciding to shoot people because of their involvement in their divorce suit, or their unemployment suit, or what have you. So the maintenance guy just went in there, and I don't know if he found her or not. It only took me a minute to call the management office, and then I went to look through the window of my office that looks out on the hallway and didn't see her come out.

It was weird stuff.

But, then again, I'm also experiencing a strange rushing sound in my head right now, along with an odd ringing in my ears. I'm a bit dizzy, as well. It feels like I need to pop my ears, but they won't pop. WTF is that all about?

So, the dreadful mistake from the other night has not called me since Saturday, thank goodness. But he did send me an e-mail late last night that I won't be able to read until I get home. Goodie. I can't wait to see what he has to say. I was really hoping the whole thing would just go away. Just disappear and never come back, as though it never happened at all. (Except that most of my friends at the bar saw it happening, and I'll have to answer for it accordingly...really, though, it's nice to have something new to talk about, so that's sort of ok with me. :) But we'll see. I'll keep everyone posted. Because there just isn't much else going on in my life right now. Even this day is just awfully slow. I can't decide what the hell to buy with the gift certificate my brother and his fiance gave me to Amazon, and it's bugging me that I don't have a screaming need for anything in particular right now. (I did find a long black skirt I like and I know I want to buy "Harold & Kumar", so I'll probably get those things...) I need an edger (you know, one of those things that cuts grass up against a fence, etc...), but I do't really want to buy one of those online. I need to see them in person and make a decision that way. Hopefully with the help of a hunky guy at Home Depot.

It's a blah day. Blah-di-blah...time to do some filing. To cement the blahness of it all.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Something funny happened on the way out of the office...

Ok, this is cracking me up whenever I think about it, and I can't stop thinking about it, so I must chat about it and be done. My co-worker and I were leaving the office together tonight, and as we got in the elevator, we were chatting about the silly dresses I was looking at on Amazon before the end of the day (I have a gift certificate I would like to use, but I don't know what to buy...), and the guy that was in the elevator with us totally farted! It was a silent one, but made itself known after half a second had passed. My coworker started to crack a grin, and I was willing her not to do it, because if she laughed, then I would laugh, and all would fall apart. We only had 5 floors to go down, dammit! Surely we could hold it together that long!

Thank goodness that the guy went out the front door of the building while my coworker and I went out to the back parking lot. We laughed and tried to figure out why a person would do that. Initially, I thought it was one of those things he just couldn't hold in, but there's a part of me that thinks that maybe he's one of those guys that can let one rip whenever he wants, and he saw the perfect opportunity when the elevator doors opened on our floor, and he saw the two of us getting in. Who knows? But it was soooo funny to me! I had to share.

Also, on a totally different note, is anyone else sick to death (no pun intended...well, maybe.) of this Schiavo thing? Is that how you spell it? I mean, hell, after the amount of media crap that's been going on about it over the past 5 days, I would figure we'd all be somewhat intimate with not only the spelling of the woman's name, but also her shoe size, and whether she's left handed or right handed. CHRIST! Have we had enough already? I mean, is it our business, really? Does anyone know that there was a huge earthquake in Japan today? Like a 7.0, or something. Isn't that bigger news than the fact that this family will fight on and on over something that is TOTALLY a decision her husband should make? And what the FUCK is with the government intervening? I'm just sick of it all. Want it to go away, please.

Ok, that's the end of my rant for tonight. Time to treadmill. Bleh.

The Monty Python quiz...

Found this quiz through this morning. I took it, and failed miserably, but it was fun nonetheless. Check and see how you measure up in your knowledge of Monty Python info. The funny thing? The ones I actually answered correctly were from things I hadn't seen, or don't recall seeing ever, anyway.

God I love Monty Python...

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Waking up an idiot.

I've recovered well from my Night of Idiocy, I think. The only problem that remains at this point is the fact that I was a dope when I played the name game with my icky date the other night, he managed to figure out what my last name is, he must've figured out that I'm listed, and now he's calling my home phone. Problem there? I don't have caller ID on my home phone. So now I can't answer my home phone at all.

And it's not that I'm planning on totally avoiding the issue with the guy. It's just something I'm considering at this point, really. I might at least send an e-mail. But we'll see.

Yesterday was a sleepy day altogether. Got some yard work done (need to do more today, actually...), napped on the couch, went to the Moose for dinner and to chat with my girlfriends, and then came home and went to bed relatively early. It was nice to wake up feeling refreshed and happy. :)

Ok, it's time to cut tree limbs into smaller pieces, bundle them, and lay them next to the curb. Bleh. Yard work sucks. But it's also very gratifying to look out into the yard and see it looking healthy and clean. So I'll do what I have to do, I s'pose...

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Oh Mercury...what are you doing to me?

Let's see...a bland date didn't end until about 20 minutes ago. (It started last night.) I've never had such impaired judgement in my life. I don't think I'll drink ever again. It's just the worst idea ever.

I've been chatting with this guy online for about a week. Seems nice and funny...I gave him my number, and he called me last night to see if I'd be up for watching the KU game together. Sure! I told him to meet me at the Moose. So we hang out, we eat a little, we watch the game and the people around us that were entertaining in their own way. And this guy is very flirty. At one point, he leans in and kisses me. Okaayyy...kissing is all well and good, but this is a place I come to often, I know loads of people here, and they KNOW this is a first date. So I tell him I'm not really into the whole PDA thing. He's very touchy-feely, he says. And he thinks I'm just so pretty and cute...he can't help himself! I tell him to try.

I don't know why...when we left the bar and he asked if he could come over for a bit, I should've ended the evening right then and there, but I did let him come over. And having had a few beers, I made poor judgement calls about kicking him out to go to sleep (I didn't...instead I invited him to my bedroom. Jeezy Chreezy!), and then we rolled around until about 3, and I finally was all, "Ok! Time for sleepy!!" So we went to sleep. Or, rather, he did. And he snored. Lovely. So I finally put my earplugs in, and drift off, had a couple of weird dreams, and then woke up this morning to him pawing at me again. Bleh. SO not in the mood. Finally, he falls asleep again, and I get out of bed at about 9, because I want this to end so very badly. But he stays asleep.

I finally went to wake him up at about 10:15. And he STILL was hanging out even after that. He put on his pants (um, left the t-shirt on the floor in the bedroom, for some reason), plops down on the couch next to me, and it seems as if he's planning on hanging out and watching t.v. with me for the rest of the goddammed morning! I've told him maybe 3 times at this point that I really need to get started on my day. I've got yard work to do, and a car to wash, and hell, I just want to be alone now, mkay? So he puts on the shirt. And then he does it again; he lays himself out on the couch next to me. And this time he's trying to kiss me some more. Dude, get OUT my house! I told him, "Really. I MUST get started with my day. I don't want to be rude...I had a nice time last night, but I've got to get going now." And he gets up to put on his shoes! YAY!!!

I finally ushered him out the front door at about 10:45, and I called the Twin to vent very quickly about it. I'm such an ass. Why the FUCK did I let that all happen?

And KU lost. Dammit.

But my bracket is still mostly on target. Can't wait to see what happens today and tomorrow. It should be interesting, for sure! I can tell you one thing: I'll be sleeping alone for the rest of the week. *shudders!*

Friday, March 18, 2005

Shit. Dammit. And all that good stuff...

Mercury goes into retrograde tomorrow. Fuck.

I know that loads of people don't believe in the whole horoscope thing,a nd it's not that I do either, really, when it comes to fortune-telling or anything like that. But I do believe that the location of the planets, their "heavenly" activities (such as Mercury heading into retrograde, etc...), and the time and date we were all born has some sort of determination to a part of our personalities.

Mercury has been in retrograde far too much lately. And every fucking time it happens, my life heads into the toilet. Well, my mood does, anyway. So after tonight, I'm pretty sure that I will be keeping mostly to myself for at least the next week. I'm not sure how long the retrograde goes on for. And it's not like I'm letting it predetermine my next couple weeks' activity or anything. It's just that I'm sure it will effect me negatively. So when I'm sitting around next Wednesday, crying for no reason, wondering why I don't have any friends, I will suddenly remember that Mercury is in retrograde, and that's why I'm feeling like such hammered shit.

Isn't nature wonderful?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

In Jesus' name, Amen.

My boss printed this one out and gave it to my coworker and I this morning for a laugh. I know it seems like you would only get the joke if you work in the loan industry, at first, but keep reading, and if you have any semblance of a sense of humor, you should be laughing as hard as we were eventually...

You gotta love this lawyer - it's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house or works in the mortgage industry will enjoy this. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding the title in Case No. XXXX has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of the origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to US ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Eat less? Exercise more? Um...

Fuck this shit.

I've worked out 3 nights in a row this week. It sucks...I'm not in the mood, but I'm less in the mood to be Fatty McFatass right now, so I'm forcing myself. Last night, I figured it'd be easier to just eat less, so I'm working on that, too. But I'll tell you what...I've been sleeping like a log (a fat log, but a log, no less...) this week, and it's been difficult to wake up in the morning. So I'm wearing myself out, for sure.

Today, I read an article about how the government has apparently released their new suggestions for healthy living. Exercise 60 - 90 minutes per day. Ok, does getting up and showering in the morning count as 30 minutes of that, by any chance? Because it does take a LO-HOT of effort for me to do that activity, so I'm hoping it counts. And fat (heh) chance of a 60 - 90 minute workout happening every goddam day, if it's got to be that much of a strenuous, cardiovascular activity. I'm fine with striving for 4 days per week of 45 minutes of activity. Sometimes, my workouts on the weekend, especially in the spring and summertime, consist of my yard work. That's ok, according to the government, as long as I'm doing something strenuous like chopping wood. Um. Yeah, I don't have any wood to chop, but mowing my lawn does get my heartrate up, so I'm going to count that instead.

I just hate this constant work, work, work at trying to stay below a size 16. I want to be a 14 again, real bad. Bad enough to forget going to McDonald's for breakfast twice a week when I can afford it, and bad enough to stop caving in to my BLT and taco salad cravings for lunch. Bad enough that my dinner portion sizes will be cut in half, and my snack foods are going to start consisting of broccoli and cauliflower florettes. I still want some beer on the weekends, but thanks to the latest happenings at the Moose, I'll be drinking far less of it, I'm sure.

I'm usually pretty accepting of my body as is. But I've reached the point where I don't accept it any more. Do I hate this feeling more than I hate eating healthy and forcing myself to exercise regularly? We'll have to see...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

See, even famous people do it.

Really? "Miss Congeniality 2"?

Ok, did someone not learn a lesson from the disaster that was "Speed 2"?

Can the people who make movies like this do me a huge favor, and the next time they'd like to throw a couple of million dollars down the toilet, just go ahead and send it to me? I've got WAY better ways to spend it, guaranteed.

Hollywood is disgusting sometimes.

Blogger Comments

Ok, is anyone else super-annoyed by the issues with comments lately? Not that you can actually comment to tell me if you are having issues, mind you.


I'm getting tired of it. And Blogspot seems to be ignoring it as an issue.


It's madness...MADNESS, I say!

I just picked my bracket for the tourney. I know I may seem insane, but I'm calling Louisville to win the whole kit & kaboodle. My reasoning:

I have Louisville going up against Illinois in the Final Four. Louisville has been a sleeper team, IMO. No one's paid it much attention in the Big 12, because they weren't up against us in any way throughout the season. But looking at their record (29-4), I'm impressed. I think they could surely kick Georgia Tech's ass, and Washington sort of snuck up on us all as a No. 1 seed, so I think they'll take them out, too. Illinois lost one of their final 2 games to an unranked team (which was AWESOME!), and then they had a bit more of a struggle than they should've had throughout their regional tourney last weekend. I think Louisville can take them out.

And Duke is great. I love Duke. I don't know why...maybe just the colors, or the location, or the fact that I have every confidence that they will put Roy Williams in his place when they go up against North Carolina in my Final Four prediction. Don't get me wrong...I loved Roy. Roy was the MAN. Until he abandoned Kansas, that is. The big schmuck. So he can suck it, and watch as Duke advances to play Louisville in the National Championship.

I think that Louisville will win the entire thing because they have the stronger record of wins vs losses (Duke is at 25-5 for the season), and while I know that some will say that Duke had a tougher schedule, I don't care. A game is a game is a game. They didn't play as many as Louisville, and they certainly didn't win as many.

So there you have it. I'm so excited!

(Unless of course Illionois winds up winning against Louisville, and North Carolina ousts Duke. 'Cause that'd suck. In that case, I'd call Illinois over North Carolina, easy. But my bracket is in pen, dammit. So I stand by my decisions...)

Monday, March 14, 2005

I can't wait.

I am so anxious about what's going to happen with this whole thing. I can't help but think about it, so I'm sorry to keep bringing it up. I can't deny myself the process of working through the feelings I'm dealing with, though. So I won't.

Tonight has been quiet, thank goodness. I made dinner. I worked out. I'm watching nanny shows which make me even more grateful that I don't have kids, and that I don't have that nurturing instinct that usually makes women my age start to freak out wanting kiddos of their own. I'm trying to think of work, and painting my nails, and not eating the rest of the Cheetos Puffs that are on top of my fridge right now. I'm going to climb into bed soon and start reading, and that'll put me in a a quiet place that will make it easy for me to stop thinking of the bullshit that's been happening lately.

I wonder to myself if Dave will even read the letter. Will he respond in some way? If he sends a letter of his own, will I be strong enough to return it, unopened? If he calls, will I be able to handle just hanging up? Or will I be an idiot about it, and listen to what he has to say before I respond by telling him he's a fuckhead, and THEN hang up?

And I wonder why I even wonder about it. Why do I allow such thoughts to even enter into my head right now? What is the weakness? Is it weakness, or is it just natural? I mean, it's only been 24 hours since he called. Have I allowed it enough time to be processed? Am I beating myself up for nothing?

I feel like over the past few years, I've been in relationships that have taught me a lot about myself and how I respond to the stimulation that a man gives to me when I let them in. But each time they end, I'm left wondering what I need to do to make sure I don't get hurt again. Have I really learned anything at all over all this time? Or have I only learned what not to do/what the right thing to do is with those particular men? Can I take the pieces of things I learned from each relationship, and roll it all into one big ball of lessons that I can take with me into my future relationships? It seems like each man I wind up with is so different from the last, but then when things go wrong, it all seems the same somehow.

Why is it that when I'm tired of dealing with all this shit, this is when I'm starting to have men respond to me favorably, asking me for my phone number, and writing me on the personals site? I don't know whether I welcome the distractions, or if I'm just looking for an ego boost.

It's messy inside my head. I should find some little hairclips that are in the shape of those orange cones they put up around construction sites. (Sights? Jesus, which word is it? Sheit...) That way, people could look at me and know that I'm having a day where I need to work on my brain a bit, and they should leave me be.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

I'm sending the letter on Monday...

Wanna see the letter I wrote to Dave? It's a good one...

You're right. We didn't date. We did, however, go back and forth with hanging out alone at your place/not hanging out at your place for 4 months while you tried to figure out whether you liked me or not. You treated me like shit some of the time, and you were really nice to me some of the time. I prefer when you were nice, but I'm kind of glad that you treated me like shit, too. It shows me a side of you that is ugly and annoying, and that's a person I wouldn't want to be with. It would really suck to be so irritated by little things as you seem to be much of the time. Life's too short, man. You should try to enjoy it more. You have great health and have been fortunate financially it seems. Take advantage of it. You might find happiness that way.

But maybe you prefer the grumpiness and the bitter feelings, and yelling at people for stupid, stupid reasons. Unjustified, if you ask me. You're obviously talking about me when you're at the bar and I'm not there. Do you see me freaking out over it? Hell no! Know why? Because I could give a shit, man! I mean, who the fuck cares?

You're manipulative, and you walk all over me, and it's stopping right now. I did NOT talk about you yesterday. I did tell Bill that I was glad you'd left because you were being a dick. Which was true. But the conversation I had with Heidi (the blond chick at the end of the bar that I made friends with) didn't include any info about you. She asked me where you'd gone, I said you'd left at halftime, end of story. I don't know who told you anything else, but I didn't.

Just stop calling and yelling at me, ok? Go see a therapist that'll listen to your crap, because I'm tired of it, really. I will try to avoid the bar while you're there, that's for damned sure. Seems like you might want to do the same thing if you see that I'm there. At least until you can grow the fuck up and stop picking on me.


And that's it. I'm sending it tomorrow via mail, because I don't even want to go near that man, his house, or even the goddammed barstool he sits on. So, so tired of his bullshit...

I just need to talk...

So the weekend has been a good one, really. Friday night went splendidly, and Saturday had it's ups and downs, but ended on an up note, so that was nice. I spent yesterday morning out in my yard, finally cleaning up the tree limbs that had fallen during our last ice/snow storm a couple months ago, so I'm sure my neighbors are grateful to me for finally getting my ass in gear on that. I had to buy a saw to cut the largest parts of the limbs into smaller pieces, and I feel so good knowing that I can do it all myself. Although, at one point a guy was walking by, apparently out for a stroll as it was such a perfect day, and I thought of asking him if he had any desire to help me out in my yard. But I let him walk by without stopping him, and it was a good thing, too. I wound up looking lovely by the time I was all done. I was a perfect shade of dirt, and I smelled real purdy. It was hard work cleaning all that shit up.

Then I went to the Moose to watch basketball, and eat, and all that fun stuff. Made new friends with some very cool people who live in the neighborhood, watched KU struggle through their game before losing to OSU, and then I hung out until about 7, I think it was, just drinking and talking to the new people I'd met. I was meeting my friend Michael later, so I finally came home to change and to eat a bit of dinner, and then headed back out at 9-ish. Michael was DJ-ing at a bar close to his house, and apparently he gets tense when he DJ's sometimes. He was irritated that people were asking him to play hip-hop or rap (which he and I don't listen to. Not at all, so he had no idea how to pick it out for them...), and his headphones didn't work, so he couldn't listen to the music before playing it. He was being a pain at times. I was stuck at the bar talking to a deaf guy that wanted to make me into his new girlfriend. We wrote notes back and forth all night. Which was hard to do after a long day of Bud Lights, lemme tell ya. I finally left there at about 11, and went back to the Moose. I was wearing shoes that made me feel super-sexay, and decided that I wasn't ready to head home, so I went to visit my friend Angie, since she was gonna be bartending till close. Also, the live music on Saturday nights kicks ass there. And Angie had apparently made out with the musician the night before, so I wanted to go make fun while I could. Her friend Erika was there, and we chatted some. A couple of guys wound up talking to me, but I ended the night with a guy named David (I know, I know...don't even say it...), who was adorable, funny, tall...the whole package! AND he asked if we could get together sometime. Yay!! I gave him my cell number, and told him I hoped to hear from him soon. I'm afraid he's gonna do the whole wait a few days thing before he calls me. (Why do guys do that?) But I don't mind, really. I do hope he calls, though...

Today has been a fun day trying to recover from yesterday. Intensely sore from the yard work, and rather hung over from the drinking. It's been quite a combo of fun feelings all day long.

Oh, and great. Dave just called me. He heard, from 2 different sources, mind you, that after he left yesterday, I was telling the woman I made friends with last night that he and I had dated for an "extended period of time," and that I also said something about him having left because he couldn't handle being around me? I don't know. I stopped listening after a minute, to be honest. I told him that I don't know where he heard that, but after last week's lovely events, I wasn't talking about him at. all. The woman had asked where the tall guy with dark hair had gone, and I told her that apparently he went home at halftime. (I had run home to get my cigarettes, and when I came back, Dave was gone. He'd been an ass to me anyway, so I was glad he'd gone.) I simply told him that I didn't talk about him at all, I don't know who told him I did, and I was done with this. And then I hung up on him. He had said that if I couldn't let this "seeth" (um, huh?) then I shouldn't come in the bar any more. He's got another thing coming if he thinks that he can dictate where I should and shouldn't go. Asshole.

I'm shaking, I'm so mad. Gotta go write...hope everyone else has a better finish to their weekend than I'm gonna have, it seems.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Too...many...little...things! My head is going to blow, man!!

Yes, blogspot is being an asshole covered in poo the past couple of days. It's not a happy place to be. I did not know that it was giving so much trouble to people who want to comment, though. I just thought I'd become really, really boring and everyone was finally at their wits' end. Maybe you are. Who knows? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T COMMENT TO TELL ME ANYWAY!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!

Really, though, I'm tired of it. It takes me 8 and a half hours to post one goddam post, and it's frustrating as not getting fucked when I need to.

Also, just so folks know, because some are writing me e-mails, I can see that you've sent me e-mails, but I can't read them. It's a weird thing that my work accesses allow for. I can log in to my Yahoo! account, and I can read my horoscope, and I can fool around in the Yahoo! Personals all I want. But as soon as I click on my inbox (hm...I actually haven't clicked on my inbox since last weekend...I might need some of that soon, it seems...), I get the Internet Advisory bullshit. So thanks for writing me Ms. Pants and Lyn. I'll read your notes as soon as I get home tonight...

Missouri is losing to Oklahoma right now. HA!! Also, UNC was losing last I checked, too. Which is a double HA HA!!! OOH! I just checked and Missouri LOST to Oklahoma! Wheeeeee!! But UNC somehow pulled out a win over Clemson. Bastards. Oh's just the regional tourneys this weekend. Doesn't really have any bearing on what will happen on Sunday when they announce the seeds for the Big Dance.

Jeezy Chreezy I'm excited...

Did everyone know that Mikey asked me to be a panelist on his Match Game this week (he asked me last week, too, but I got all flustered, and didn't turn in my answers in time to make the cut...), and in his description of me as a panelist, he called me "cute" AND "funny". I'm so flattered! Thanks Mikey!! And to be sure, my friend, I am indeed single. Single as the day is long. Shocking, I know. I seem so emotionally healthy and makes no sense to me either. :P

So that's it. Any bets on how long it's going to take before this post publishes? I'm going with 5 minutes before it gives me the "server error" or "Proxy Server not responding" message, and than I'll have to try all over again...we'll see...

Thursday, March 10, 2005

The blog is free. Therapy is not.

I feel so lucky in having the readers that I do on this blog. You all say stuff to me that cheers me up, helps me out, is just generally raucous and fun...I love you to death. :)

Julie made a comment on my last post, and I think it's worth pulling a post out of it. Because it's obvious that my depression this week is stemming from the activities that took place last weekend. And I've just been trying to bury the feelings said activities roused in me rather than facing them, accepting them, and figuring out how to deal.

Julie said, "And don't underestimate the Dave thing, either. It sounds like you had hopes wrapped up in him. It's not that he broke your heart, but he disappointed you....and that's a heavy thing to carry around in and of itself."

*sigh!* You're so right, my dear. I have a latent, strong desire to stop allowing Dave to walk all over me, and I have been fighting off the urge to tell him exactly what I think of him all week. He's a manipulative, immature prick. I want to tell him this to his face (or in a letter...haven't decided what would be the more fun...), but I know that in doing so, I will create a rift in our "circle" of friends. And I need those friends right now. I don't want to be at the center of any tension. I didn't tell any of them about what happened last weekend (except for one person...and I told her that he and I had had another fight, and that was all I said), and I doubt he did either. So the tension that exists for he and I right now is just's just between us. And I'd prefer for it to stay that way.

But attempting to maintain the status quo is tearing me to pieces, because I've allowed myself to become this great, big welcome mat for Dave to wipe his feet on every time he feels the need to do so. At this point, I'm ready to say that I've recognized the situation for what it is, finally, and there won't be any reason for him to treat me like shit any more. But the incompetence I feel as a grown woman for having bent over and taken it in the ass like I did last weekend (figuratively speaking, all my male friends who just read that and said, WOOHOO! in their heads...) is bearing heavily on my mind right now. I'm fighting it...trying to just let it go. And it's not working.

I want to tell him that he's an asshole. But what I "want" to do and what I "should" do are very different things in this situation. And I know that lots of people will think that I should tell him off. And there are probably an equal amount of people who think I should keep going as I have been, and just not let him get to me ever again. I'm not sure what will happen, to be honest. Only time will tell.

But Julie, you are soooo right. He didn't break my heart. He never really had it long enough to be able to do such a thing. But he did disappoint me. And it's making me trip all over myself this week.

I've owned up to my mistakes, but where is his responsibility in this matter? He yelled at me without even hearing my side of how things had happened. He was ready to dump the whole "friendship" over something that someone else told him about me. I apologized for making the mistake of opening my big mouth because I did just that, and it was right for me to apologize for having done it. But has he apologized to me for treating me in such a perverse manner? Because that was wrong, too. And he hasn't said a word about it. I would think he's had plenty of time to mull it all over. But he probably hasn't even thought about it at all, is what bothers me. And it keeps bothering me, and bothering me, and bothering me. And I keep telling it to go the fuck away, but it won't have it. It will not be turned away from being a thought in my head. Why can't I see it for the simple tantrum that it was, and let it go?

See, even though I don't care for him in "that way" anymore, he still somehow has the ability to manipulate me. Why do I let him do it? Please, someone tell me why I allow it to happen?

I hate the FCC

Know what's bugging me this morning? The bleeping they do on the radio. I wish we could say whatever the fuck we want to when we want to say it, you know? Same goes for t.v. I'm grateful that Sex & the City reruns on TBS are able to throw "bullshit" around like they are. And Harry and Charlotte were having a conversation involving the word "cum" the other night, and they didn't change it at all. But in thinking about that, what could they really change it to? I mean, it's not like you can change that to something ridiculous like they do in showings of "Sixteen Candles" on We when they change the word "screwed" to "squashed," you know?

Anyway, the bleeping is driving me nuts. So I wish they'd either stop cussing, or that they'd be free to say what they want to, for chrissake. GAH!

I'm still in a bit of a downer mood. Started thinking about some shit this morning on my way in that made me start crying, but I was right around the corner from the office, so I had to make myself stop. And my boss still asked me if I was sick or something, so I must not've been very good at making my face look ok after it was all over. I'm ok right impulses to cry, really.

I had to call the Twin last night and ask her if something is going on with her, because this funk o' mine simply makes no sense. I wanted to go to bed last night at 8 p.m. I don't know why, and I forced myself to stay up and watch "Alias" (which rocked, and I would've watched it anyway at some point if I had decided to hit the sheets at 8 or 8:30 because I record it every week...), but I went to bed as soon as it was over anyway. I have no motivation to work out, I felt like crying when I was putting clothes away in my closet last night. Why? I don't know!! And the desire to just sleep and sleep and sleep is overwhelming.

I think I'm depressed, but why? Nothing is different in my life than it is at any other given time. Could it be the change in seasons that's currently trying to happen? Could it be that I'm subconsciously working harder than I realize at not thinking about the sicknesses that are attacking a couple of people that I love dearly, and whom I also live very far away from? I find myself thinking more often about my desire to disappear from my life. And that worries me. (And by disappearing, I mean me moving off to a different place, not telling anyone where I'm going or what's happening, and just not being here any more...I'm not thinking of off'ing myself. I don't like suicide. I went through all that bullshit when I was 17, and had enough of it then for a lifetime, believe me.) And it's not cool to be considering abandonment of my current life. First of all, running away is not the answer. Things will find an evil way of catching up eventually, and I'd also probably manage to piss a few people off in the process as well, and that's not what I'm aiming for. But it's not changing the fact that I want to get away in the worst way.

I need therapy. Damn.

**Update: I just bought a ticket to the upcoming John Edward show that will be happening in Kansas City in May. I had the opportunity to see him live in Wichita about 3 or 4 years ago, and swore I would go back to see him when he came back through the midwest a bit closer to home. I'm so happy he's coming to KC! Because the drive to Wichita is a bitch. This time, I get to see him in what they call a "gallery-type setting" which means it's a smaller, more intimate group than it was when I saw him in Wichita with about 350 strangers. And while the ticket was considerably more expensive than it was for the larger show I went to, it's so much more worth it. Even if I don't get a reading, watching him read other people is fascinating and amazing to see happen in a live setting. Plus, he's really very personable and fun to listen to. He tells great stories about the shit that's happened to him over the years due to his gift (which I fully believe in, by the way), and if I do get lucky and have someone come through for me, it would be so exciting. So I'm really looking forward to that. Just thought I'd tell ya...

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Roller coaster lifestyle

I woke up this morning in a foul mood. And it only got worse, really, as the morning wore on. But I pushed through it, went to the meeting I planned for today where the boss's boss had his chance to say hello and to repeat all the same shit we've been hearing from the boss for the past 6 months (it's more important out of his mouth, though, because the boss's boss travels more and makes more money, right? Right...), and then had a lovely lunch where I taunted my favorite coworker, and he taunted me right back. In continuance with the shitty morning, though, I started to get a reaction to something (the iced tea? The ranch dressing? The fucking AIR??) on my upper lip, which revealed itself in the most flattering red, inflamed way directly under my left nostril. I then had to get my ass out of there as soon as possible, as it was clearly making people uncomfy, and I failed to say goodbye to the boss's boss and his coworker that came into town with him. You know what, though? I bet he didn't even notice or care.

Last night's dinner was terrible. I was ignored by the waitstaff, I was ignored by my boss's boss and my coworkers, and just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I looked forward to eating my leftovers for breakfast (because, thank goodness, at least the food was good last night), only to find that the restaurant had given my coworker my dinner, and I got her's. We had the same thing. How did I know it was her's when I opened it this morning? I only ate two of the shrimp that were on my plate of pasta last night (the crummy service really did a number on my appetite), and she had clearly eaten 5, as that was how many shrimp tails were in my take-home container. And she ate way more of the dinner than I did. So I was pissed. It was the straw that broke the camel's back...I wrote a good long note to the restaurant online, and by 5 p.m., I'd heard from 2 different managers, one of which offered me a free replacement to the dinner I never got to eat, as well as some "credit" to the restaurant (the coupons he offered me should arrive tomorrow, or so...), and the other one I haven't called back yet, because it was late when she called me, and I didn't really want to talk about it all anymore tonight. I'm glad that my complaint might help them, training-wise, and I'm glad they offered to replace my dinner that my company paid for but that I didn't get to enjoy (my coworker's husband apparently took it with him as his lunch at work today. They had no idea that there was a problem or a mix up. And my coworker and I are keeping it a secret from him...I don't have cooties, or anything, but the thought of eating left over food - particularly pasta - that belonged to a total stranger? Gross...just, no. Shouldn't be done...), and I'm really looking forward to things just moving on at this point.

Ever feel like everything was just going downhill?

OH! And get this!! Yesterday, a coworker that I'd left a message for last week finally called me back, as she'd been out of the office for about 2 weeks. I'd left the message not knowing she was gone for all that time. And her voicemail simply said she'd be out for the day on the 21st of February, so I was confused when I received an out of office reply to an e-mail that told me she'd be out until the 7th. So first thing I tell her is that she really should've changed her voice mail before she left for two weeks, and then we discussed the matter I'd originally called her about, and as we were finishing up, I said, "So, how was the vacation?" Yeah...she wasn't on vacation. Her father had been in an accident on the 21st, hence the message she'd left on her voice mail that day saying she'd be out. By that first evening, he'd slipped into a coma that he never came out of, and then he died last week.

Um...holy shit.

So, let's see...I picked on this woman about her voice mail message, sent her an e-mail inviting her to a meeting accidentally, and had to uninvite her, and then top it all off by asking her how her vacation was when she was actually out watching her father slowly die until her family decided to pull the plug last weekend.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME HER FATHER HAD DIED???? Jeezy chreezy, I love my idiot coworkers sometimes.

So that's how my week has started out.

Let's start the betting now. Will it get worse? Or will it get better? Tell me what way you lean, and I'll let y'all know who wins. Fun, eh?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Busy, busy, busy!

The boss's boss is in town. So I don't have a lot of time to write much of anything. I've been hella busy all day long creating reports, serving coffee, and answering phones. Tonight, we're meeting for dinner, so I don't have any "me" time at all today, really.

Super-quick, the Dave thing was ugly. I have a tendency to be very open about things with everyone, and shared info about me and Dave with a friend of ours that we hang out with at the Moose. This friend then told Dave that I called him a "miserable human being", and basically was crying in my beer over him not wanting me when I was hanging out with him on Thursday night.

*blank stare into space wondering WTF??*

Um, no. First of all, I envy Dave and the life he's able to lead. However, I have said that I don't understand why someone would choose to be alone rather than to be hooked up with a cool-ass chick like myself. My friends all agree. This one particular friend decided to tell Dave his own lovely interpretation of what I'd said. Understandably, it pissed Dave off a great deal.

I understand that a lesson is to be learned in who I should vent and discuss relationship issues with from now on (i.e. the Twin, and ONLY the Twin...and of course out here on my blog that none of my friends at the Moose know about...), but I cannot comprehend why Dave didn't give me a chance to tell him my side of things. He left me a couple of scathing messages when he went home on Friday, and I was completely unaware that anything had transpired, which also stunned me, as the friend that I had shared stuff with and who had told Dave all this bullshit about what I'd said was the one I was hanging out with on Friday night until about 8:30. He didn't say a word about having had the conversation with Dave that he'd clearly had. So he's on my shit list right now.

I left messages for Dave trying to explain that I didn't know what had happened, and I finally received a call back from him on Saturday morning at about 9. He was still extremely angry, and still wouldn't listen to my side of things. He wanted to know if I was calling our other friend a liar, and I said that I was not, no. But if he was saying that I called Dave a "miserable human being", then they were HIS words, and NOT MINE. I tried to explain that I had most certainly not been crying into my beer over the loss of Dave, but that I had been talking about us, and I couldn't deny that. He wouldn't listen to me much, though. We finally hung up.

I then paced about the house, trying to figure out what to do. I finally left to go get a Diet Coke, and in doing so, I thought of doing something to try to make up for my folly. I went and bought Dave a lovely bottle of scotch (his favorite), and then found the most PERFECT card EVER!! It had a picture of a girl in pig-tails on the front of it (I wear my hair in pig-tails a lot...), and it said on the front, "Some people know when to shut up, and some don't." On the inside it said, "I think maybe I'm one of the kind that don't." It was soooo the message I was trying to put across. See, I know that I'd said too much. In trying to boost my own ego after his rejection of me, I spilled stuff about Dave and I that was personal, and it wasn't cool for me to just put it all out there like that, as it's basically an invasion of his privacy. I know it was my shit to talk about as well, but not with mutual friends of ours, you know? So I felt like I owed him an apology for that, although I did make it clear that what our friend had told him about what I'd said was not true. I also told him that I'm tired of him getting so angry with me, and I don't think I do anything to warrant his nasty behavior, and that he needs to help me to be a better friend to him. I took the whole shebang over to his house, and he walked to the door when his dog was freaking out barking at me as I approached, and he just stood inside and waved me off. I set the package down on his porch, and went back to my car (which I'd left running...I didn't expect he'd allow me in to chat, or anything...).

He called me on Sunday morning to talk, and we smoothed things over. I'd already made plans to go elsewhere to watch the KU game, but met up with him and my other friends at the Moose after the first half of the UNC game was over. We watched golf, laughed, drank, and I generally ignored the friend that had told Dave all the bullshit he'd told him. He was pretty much not saying anything to me, either. I had sat down at the opposite end of the bar from him when I'd arrived, rather than sitting next to him as I usually do. There was more room at the other end, though, so it made sense. I don't know if things will ever go back to normal, though. But I'm going to lay off the Moose for this week anyway. The weekend brings more basketball our way than I could possibly dream of, so starting Friday, I'll be in the middle of it hardcore. Saturday night, I already have plans to meet up with my old friend Michael. And Sunday, well, the big dance selection occurs, and I can't wait to see who gets seeded where.

I agree with Z's comment to my last post. I'm not looking to date anyone right now. If I run into the beauteous Ben again soon, I'm going to offer him my number. But I doubt I'll run into him. Dave is back to the super-unattractive level to me right now, and so I'm over that. I'm just hanging out with friends, and working, and trying to have the best time I can have. I just want to have a fucking good time right now.

So that's the update. Life would be boring without stupid-ass men making things interesting, IMO. But I sure wish they'd make life interesting for some other girl right now. I just wish they'd relax and want to fuck around a bit every now and then. Otherwise, I wish they'd leave me the hell alone, except to be the comic relief while I'm drinking a beer or two while watching a game.

Ok, it's starting to not make any sense to me when I read back over it, so I'm gonna go. Time to close up shop, anyway...Night y'all!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

A weekend of contradiction.

As of 9 a.m. this morning, it was already the worst weekend ever. Why? Because of Dave. Of course.

I don't want to go into it. So I'll let it go.

And then I met the Greek god that is Ben this afternoon when I was visiting my friend Michael while he dj'd at a bar in Olathe during the basketball games today. My word, this man was handsome. We chatted, we flirted, we got silly. We discussed music we liked, and my breast size, and his travels around the was a lovely day. (He liked that I said "lovely" like I do...)

So did Ben ask me for my number? No. No he did not.

Serendipity will bring us back together, if it's meant to happen.

Right now, I'm drunk as hell. And I want to go to sleep. So I shall...

Nighty night!

Friday, March 04, 2005

Why is the sky blue?

I think there was some pot in the cookie I just ate.

My coworker is a very cool chick whom I get along exceedingly well with. Well, most of the time. Because, as we all know, I can be quite a bitch every now and then (read: every waking hour of every single day of the year, except between 5:45 p.m. and 6:03 p.m. on the 3rd day of the 6th month), and she has to put up with it, as we spend more time with each other than we do with any other person we know.

Anyway, she's a very cool, black chick. And we like to refer to her "people" as the "Emerging Market People", because in the industry we're in, black people, hispanic people, and asian people are all considered to be an "Emerging Market" for us to sell to. So, for example, when she left her staple remover in my office just now, and I held it up for her, and told her it wasn't mine...and I knew it wasn't mine because (a) I hadn't taken mine out of my drawer all day, and (b) it just felt different from the way mine felt, she came and took it, and said, "Oh, you don't want it because it's the Emerging Market color, huh?" So we continued on this path of amusing ourselves, and I replied, " staple remover is white. Because I'm white, and I don't use black staple removers." She replied, "So the cookie you just ate, with the chocolate chips in it? How do you get around that?" And I said, "Well, most of the cookie is white around the chocolate chips, so it's ok. You'll notice the popcorn I ate earlier? Yeah, it's white." Then I said I had to go to the bathroom, "to throw up the cookie I just ate, because I couldn't stand the blackness being in my belly."

This sort of conversation makes us laugh, believe it or not. She knows I haven't a racist bone in my body, and she doesn't either. So it makes it easy to play.

While I was in the bathroom, I started thinking of all the things that are white. Paper is white, I thought. Then I started wondering what it'd be like if paper was all black, and we wrote in white pen. How weird would that be? And I asked my coworker this when I returned from the bathroom, and she said, "It wouldn't be strange at all, because we'd be used to it if it had always been that way!"

That's when I started thinking that maybe there was some crack being piped in through the air coming into our office today. Because we are slap-fucking-happy this afternoon, lemme tell ya.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Ok, I'm done with my leg curls. Can I have my beer now?

I saw a Budweiser delivery truck pull up to the Bally's Total Fitness across from my office building this morning as I drove in. I thought that perhaps it had pulled into the wrong parking lot, and it would continue on it's way back out the other driveway, but no. It stopped at the curb and started unloading.


I have a headache this morning, and admittedly, even the bright light we call the "sun" was confusing me a bit as I drove into work today, but the Budweiser truck at the Bally's Fitness Center totally pushed me over the edge, and I'm now totally just sitting here with a constant look of confusion on my face.

Has anyone heard of a new marketing scheme being done by Bally's that partners them with Bud? I mean, it wasn't even Bud Light. So I just can't wrap my head around it...

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Please, please tell me now...

I'm leaving work early today to go get my white-trash roots done. I'm leaving early to do it because the KU game is on tonight, and I'm not missing a single minute of that shit, beotch.

Anyway, I'm leaving early, and I'm still out here wasting time doing my blogging thang. Can we say apathetic about work? I think we can, indeed...


I noticed I have a new "tick" today. I've taken to hooking my left hand around my left bra-strap/tank-top strap (I rarely go a single day without wearing a tank...I wear them under everything, yo), and resting my hand there while I think/stare out the window at traffic.

It's weird, right? I mean, it was only a matter of time before the thumb-sucking I stopped doing when I was 9 (yes...I was 9, ok? Move on!) reintroduced itself in another form. But this is just plain funky. And I'm pretty sure that my dentist can't fit me for a retainer that will help me stop doing this new hand-hooking thing. I hope I can stop it on my own, now that I've become aware of it.


For those that might've been wondering, the spidey is gone. I noticed yesterday morning that it's no longer living in the old spot it had been in for a whole month. I don't know if it moved elsewhere, or crawled under my cabinet to die, or what. But it's not there any more. So, buh-hye spidey! I hope your life goes well for you, no matter where you moved on to...

It's a quiet day. I must get back to the crap now, though...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Nothing new and fabulous...

I'm still tired.

Everyone else (particularly here, and here) has expressed the exact way I feel about how the Bachelorette turned out, so I won't waste time on that. ABC can go to hell for wasting that entire season, though.

Work is slowed down a bit more than it was yesterday, although I am procrastinating from getting on top of a new report the New Boss asked me to create for him at the end of last week. He sent me an example of one that another region does each week, so I'm gonna call them and ask them WTF I'm supposed to do to fill in the info, because I haven't the first clue. I'm not looking forward to that. It's a sucky, sucky looking report. And I don't mean "sucky-sucky" in a good way, unfortunately...

So I'll wrap this up quickly saying that everyone needs to go give Lyn some love, as a good friend of hers got hurt the other night on his way home from their regular hang out, and he needs some prayers, y'all.