Thursday, March 10, 2005

The blog is free. Therapy is not.

I feel so lucky in having the readers that I do on this blog. You all say stuff to me that cheers me up, helps me out, is just generally raucous and fun...I love you to death. :)

Julie made a comment on my last post, and I think it's worth pulling a post out of it. Because it's obvious that my depression this week is stemming from the activities that took place last weekend. And I've just been trying to bury the feelings said activities roused in me rather than facing them, accepting them, and figuring out how to deal.

Julie said, "And don't underestimate the Dave thing, either. It sounds like you had hopes wrapped up in him. It's not that he broke your heart, but he disappointed you....and that's a heavy thing to carry around in and of itself."

*sigh!* You're so right, my dear. I have a latent, strong desire to stop allowing Dave to walk all over me, and I have been fighting off the urge to tell him exactly what I think of him all week. He's a manipulative, immature prick. I want to tell him this to his face (or in a letter...haven't decided what would be the more fun...), but I know that in doing so, I will create a rift in our "circle" of friends. And I need those friends right now. I don't want to be at the center of any tension. I didn't tell any of them about what happened last weekend (except for one person...and I told her that he and I had had another fight, and that was all I said), and I doubt he did either. So the tension that exists for he and I right now is just that...it's just between us. And I'd prefer for it to stay that way.

But attempting to maintain the status quo is tearing me to pieces, because I've allowed myself to become this great, big welcome mat for Dave to wipe his feet on every time he feels the need to do so. At this point, I'm ready to say that I've recognized the situation for what it is, finally, and there won't be any reason for him to treat me like shit any more. But the incompetence I feel as a grown woman for having bent over and taken it in the ass like I did last weekend (figuratively speaking, all my male friends who just read that and said, WOOHOO! in their heads...) is bearing heavily on my mind right now. I'm fighting it...trying to just let it go. And it's not working.

I want to tell him that he's an asshole. But what I "want" to do and what I "should" do are very different things in this situation. And I know that lots of people will think that I should tell him off. And there are probably an equal amount of people who think I should keep going as I have been, and just not let him get to me ever again. I'm not sure what will happen, to be honest. Only time will tell.

But Julie, you are soooo right. He didn't break my heart. He never really had it long enough to be able to do such a thing. But he did disappoint me. And it's making me trip all over myself this week.

I've owned up to my mistakes, but where is his responsibility in this matter? He yelled at me without even hearing my side of how things had happened. He was ready to dump the whole "friendship" over something that someone else told him about me. I apologized for making the mistake of opening my big mouth because I did just that, and it was right for me to apologize for having done it. But has he apologized to me for treating me in such a perverse manner? Because that was wrong, too. And he hasn't said a word about it. I would think he's had plenty of time to mull it all over. But he probably hasn't even thought about it at all, is what bothers me. And it keeps bothering me, and bothering me, and bothering me. And I keep telling it to go the fuck away, but it won't have it. It will not be turned away from being a thought in my head. Why can't I see it for the simple tantrum that it was, and let it go?

See, even though I don't care for him in "that way" anymore, he still somehow has the ability to manipulate me. Why do I let him do it? Please, someone tell me why I allow it to happen?

1 comment:

FaithsTwin said...

Finally! I am able to post!

Now what was I going to say when I first tried at 8:30 this morning?

Look, we both know we get odd joy out of people here and there. We both dig people right off the bat for one reason or another with no explanation. Then when that wears off we discover all the things that drive us batty and try to figure out how to get out of it. Our best friend we share is the ONLY one I have never actually just stopped communicating with due to this oddity- and I am tied to the WORST one in my life with our kids.

It looks like it may be time for you to just be going to the Moose just to hang out, be like the lady that's there daily, has her two drinks, and then leaves. Just there to be around people, enjoy yourself when you're around them, and move on when you leave until next time.

Maybe?