Monday, March 14, 2005

I can't wait.

I am so anxious about what's going to happen with this whole thing. I can't help but think about it, so I'm sorry to keep bringing it up. I can't deny myself the process of working through the feelings I'm dealing with, though. So I won't.

Tonight has been quiet, thank goodness. I made dinner. I worked out. I'm watching nanny shows which make me even more grateful that I don't have kids, and that I don't have that nurturing instinct that usually makes women my age start to freak out wanting kiddos of their own. I'm trying to think of work, and painting my nails, and not eating the rest of the Cheetos Puffs that are on top of my fridge right now. I'm going to climb into bed soon and start reading, and that'll put me in a a quiet place that will make it easy for me to stop thinking of the bullshit that's been happening lately.

I wonder to myself if Dave will even read the letter. Will he respond in some way? If he sends a letter of his own, will I be strong enough to return it, unopened? If he calls, will I be able to handle just hanging up? Or will I be an idiot about it, and listen to what he has to say before I respond by telling him he's a fuckhead, and THEN hang up?

And I wonder why I even wonder about it. Why do I allow such thoughts to even enter into my head right now? What is the weakness? Is it weakness, or is it just natural? I mean, it's only been 24 hours since he called. Have I allowed it enough time to be processed? Am I beating myself up for nothing?

I feel like over the past few years, I've been in relationships that have taught me a lot about myself and how I respond to the stimulation that a man gives to me when I let them in. But each time they end, I'm left wondering what I need to do to make sure I don't get hurt again. Have I really learned anything at all over all this time? Or have I only learned what not to do/what the right thing to do is with those particular men? Can I take the pieces of things I learned from each relationship, and roll it all into one big ball of lessons that I can take with me into my future relationships? It seems like each man I wind up with is so different from the last, but then when things go wrong, it all seems the same somehow.

Why is it that when I'm tired of dealing with all this shit, this is when I'm starting to have men respond to me favorably, asking me for my phone number, and writing me on the personals site? I don't know whether I welcome the distractions, or if I'm just looking for an ego boost.

It's messy inside my head. I should find some little hairclips that are in the shape of those orange cones they put up around construction sites. (Sights? Jesus, which word is it? Sheit...) That way, people could look at me and know that I'm having a day where I need to work on my brain a bit, and they should leave me be.


sporty said...

Being that he's a guy, and he sounds like a blatant asshole, I'm going to bet that he doesn't respond at all.

Ms. Pants said...

You took a stand--it's natural to want to see the results of that, especially if it's the first time you have done it. But don't get too wrapped up in his reaction--it only perpetuates the cycle of drama. (And it will bug him far more if you are indifferent.)

He'll read the letter. Human curiosity (especially male) is too much not to. If he replies via mail, DO NOT OPEN IT. If he calls, DO NOT ANSWER. Let the fucker simmer in his own juices for a while.

From personal experience, I can tell you that I used to crave the reaction in these situations a lot as well. I would secretly want that person to react poorly and go off on me and have the whole situation get really melodramatic. That way, when it ended after that, I knew I wasn't missing out on anything good. (Not a healthy way to do things, I realise now, but it got me through some tough situations.)

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