Thursday, March 10, 2005

I hate the FCC

Know what's bugging me this morning? The bleeping they do on the radio. I wish we could say whatever the fuck we want to when we want to say it, you know? Same goes for t.v. I'm grateful that Sex & the City reruns on TBS are able to throw "bullshit" around like they are. And Harry and Charlotte were having a conversation involving the word "cum" the other night, and they didn't change it at all. But in thinking about that, what could they really change it to? I mean, it's not like you can change that to something ridiculous like they do in showings of "Sixteen Candles" on We when they change the word "screwed" to "squashed," you know?

Anyway, the bleeping is driving me nuts. So I wish they'd either stop cussing, or that they'd be free to say what they want to, for chrissake. GAH!

I'm still in a bit of a downer mood. Started thinking about some shit this morning on my way in that made me start crying, but I was right around the corner from the office, so I had to make myself stop. And my boss still asked me if I was sick or something, so I must not've been very good at making my face look ok after it was all over. I'm ok right now...no impulses to cry, really.

I had to call the Twin last night and ask her if something is going on with her, because this funk o' mine simply makes no sense. I wanted to go to bed last night at 8 p.m. I don't know why, and I forced myself to stay up and watch "Alias" (which rocked, and I would've watched it anyway at some point if I had decided to hit the sheets at 8 or 8:30 because I record it every week...), but I went to bed as soon as it was over anyway. I have no motivation to work out, I felt like crying when I was putting clothes away in my closet last night. Why? I don't know!! And the desire to just sleep and sleep and sleep is overwhelming.

I think I'm depressed, but why? Nothing is different in my life than it is at any other given time. Could it be the change in seasons that's currently trying to happen? Could it be that I'm subconsciously working harder than I realize at not thinking about the sicknesses that are attacking a couple of people that I love dearly, and whom I also live very far away from? I find myself thinking more often about my desire to disappear from my life. And that worries me. (And by disappearing, I mean me moving off to a different place, not telling anyone where I'm going or what's happening, and just not being here any more...I'm not thinking of off'ing myself. I don't like suicide. I went through all that bullshit when I was 17, and had enough of it then for a lifetime, believe me.) And it's not cool to be considering abandonment of my current life. First of all, running away is not the answer. Things will find an evil way of catching up eventually, and I'd also probably manage to piss a few people off in the process as well, and that's not what I'm aiming for. But it's not changing the fact that I want to get away in the worst way.

I need therapy. Damn.

**Update: I just bought a ticket to the upcoming John Edward show that will be happening in Kansas City in May. I had the opportunity to see him live in Wichita about 3 or 4 years ago, and swore I would go back to see him when he came back through the midwest a bit closer to home. I'm so happy he's coming to KC! Because the drive to Wichita is a bitch. This time, I get to see him in what they call a "gallery-type setting" which means it's a smaller, more intimate group than it was when I saw him in Wichita with about 350 strangers. And while the ticket was considerably more expensive than it was for the larger show I went to, it's so much more worth it. Even if I don't get a reading, watching him read other people is fascinating and amazing to see happen in a live setting. Plus, he's really very personable and fun to listen to. He tells great stories about the shit that's happened to him over the years due to his gift (which I fully believe in, by the way), and if I do get lucky and have someone come through for me, it would be so exciting. So I'm really looking forward to that. Just thought I'd tell ya...

1 comment:

Julie said...

Faith--I have a problem with seasonal depression, and I'll tell you--March is always the worst month. This makes no sense to a lot of people, because they have been feeling it since October or November. But for me, I compare it to rolling up a ball of snow to make a snowman (the snow is the pain/depression)--you can roll and roll it, and it's still small enough that you can pick it up and put it on your snowman. And then, at some point, it gets too big and too heavy, and you can't carry it up anymore.

I always think I'm doing just fine until March, when the pain and the depression overwhelm me. It sounds like that might be what's happening with you too?

And don't underestimate the Dave thing, either. It sounds like you had hopes wrapped up in him. It's not that he broke your heart, but he disappointed you....and that's a heavy thing to carry around in and of itself.