Sunday, August 21, 2005

It's naptime.

Boyfriend is asleep on the couch. I asked him if he didn't just want to go to bed, but he said no. I understand...I fell asleep sitting upright in my chair earlier after I'd come in from 2 hours of yardwork. I was sweaty, and needed to cool down before I showered. I woke up about 10 minutes later, but it was just weird...I never fall asleep while sitting up like that. I must've been pooped!

I don't know what I'm doing with him here, either. He was here last night and the nigth before, and we're just doing what we'd be doing if we were in our own homes anyway. Watching t.v., vegging out after a long day. I guess I was surprised that he wanted to do that over at my house after he got off work today, is all. I told him the other night that I think I love him. He didn't say anything in return. I asked him if it was ok that I'd said it, and he said, "Sure!" Aaaand, that was it. I can't remember how we continued in the conversation, except that he said he was half asleep (it was about 3:45 when I brought it up...but I'd felt all connected with him all of a sudden, was the thing...it was weird), and he also said that he had felt "forced" into the whole "love" thing before, and he didn't want to go through that again. I totally agree with that, really. But a little part of me is pissed that here I am again, feeling more for a guy than he feels for me. Also, it makes me wonder if he's somewhat emotionally unavailable because of shit that's happened in his past. Am I the only person that doesn't let shit that's happened to me in past relationships effect how I feel/behave/deal in current ones? It's really very frustrating at times.

But then again, he wanted to be with me past night, and again tonight, so something must be on the right track.

*sigh!* I hate confusion. So I'm gonna ignore it this time around. A part of me feels that it might be time to "retreat" (go on wich yo bad self, Tao of Steve), but then I have no ability to do so when he calls me to see if he can come over to watch t.v. and hang out at my house for the 3rd night in a row.

I'm stressed, though. I'm taking it out in all sorts of funky ways. I've embedded far too much MS Access info into my brain over the past 3 days, and it makes me worry that I won't be able to do what's asked of me at this new job that starts tomorrow. But then I think to myself, you know? If they don't want the knowledge I DO have, and can't give me time to "ramp-up" and figure out the job, and they want to send me home after the 4-hour trial period without asking me to return on Tuesday, then fuck 'em. I'll find something else. Net/net, I'm sure I can do the job, I've learned a bit (ok, a LOT) about a new computer program that I never knew before, and I'll get paid for 4 hours of work minimum. We'll see what winds up happening...

But in the meantime, I'm a bit stressed. Freaked out. Cold feet have settled in. Bound to happen, really. I'm going to a new place I've never been, to work with people I don't know, and to do God knows what. I'll be fine by tomorrow night, I'm sure.

Right now, I need some Advil, to cuddle up to the boyfriend on the couch, and see if I can't sneak a peek at the Food Network while he's dozing. (He can't stand the way all the chefs chop on the shows I watch. It's very weird...)

Night. Oh, and things a more solid, btw. So gracias to those of you thought good thoughts on behalf of me and my bowel. Much appreciated.

1 comment:

lyn said...

ay....you know, once we sleep with a dude, it's over, there's some chemical thing that makes us have these weird feeling for a dude. it really sucks. but yeah, retreat and you'll be fine.

and far as the job, you have a good attitude about it, just stay positive. you were brave to quit when you were unhappy, that's way harder than plowing through temp jobs while finding what you really want to do.