Friday, September 16, 2005

Undecided

I hate that I don't know where I'm going, careerwise. I hate the open-endedness of it all, and it's eating away at me every day. I do this sort of thing every now and then, though. Several years ago, after my job ended at the company I'd been at for 3 years, I decided that I needed out of the corporate world for a while, anyway, and signed on as a waitress at my fave restaurant in San Juan Capo for a bit. My plan was to go back to school for music in Boston, so I applied to Berklee College of Music, and then settled in for a bit as a waitress until I could move there and begin my new life.

Yeah right.

The waitressing only took about 4 months to get really old. I was 26, and the majority of the other "team" members I worked with were 16 - 19. Their immaturity ate away at me daily, and their lack of motivation to actually behave appropriately towards me as an adult bugged the shit out of me. I know, I know, I'm a bitch...this is not news to me. We got along for the most part, really. But I was the early shift waitress, which meant I was supposed to get off at about 1:30 or 2 every day, and that's not the best time to be doing sidework in the back of the house, it turns out. It tends that lunch rushes are just ending then, and that was right when a new shift of servers would be starting their afternoon/evening shifts. So my sidework that should only take about 40 minutes to do might take me an hour or even almost an hour and a half. And the kids LOVED to make fun of me for this fact. Of course, they'd make fun while they used the dressing I'd just filled up, and while they were standing in front of the cooler I needed to clean out before leaving, but apparently, I was too slow, and that was the problem...not the fact that they were in my way and/or using the items I'd just filled to the extent that I would need to fill them again before I left. It sucked. So I moved on much faster from that lifestyle than I'd expected to.

Music school didn't work out as I'd wanted, either. They wanted me to write a lot more than I was wanting to do, as I don't enjoy writing music all that much. I don't really play an instrument, although I had to learn the basics of piano in order to complete most assignments while I was there, and that bugged me, too. One of my classes - a staple course - was impossible for me to get a grasp on, and this left me feeling a bit disappointed in myself much of the time. I had to drop it, eventually, as I was warned by the teacher about halfway through the semester that I was going to fail, and it might be best to try again next semester. Yeah, I'll pass, thanks. I wasn't looking to get a degree, so it wasn't going to hurt me to not have that class in my schedule. BUt it really hurt that I couldn't get past that basic course. It was a theory course, though, and I've never been good with music theory, really. I wound up doing better than expected in my harmony class, which kind of balanced out my disappointed feelings in myself. And in my technician class, which was one of the bigger classes I had, the teacher once advised another student that was mocking a question I'd asked during a test (we were allowed to ask 5 questions regarding the test material during the actual exam...it was really cool) that I was probably the smartest student in the class, so he should probably shut up and listen to me, and that's gonna stick with me forever, I think. I don't know if the teacher thought I was someone else, or if I was actually one of the smartest in his class (I did get an A), but it shut the guy up, and I only missed 4 of the questions on that exam out of 150. Not too shabby. :)

Anyway, after that all ended, I moved back to Kansas City, and worked my way back into the comfy world of admin assisting. But I realize now that I'm completely dissatisfied with the world of admin assisting. I hate it, in fact. I want to be in charge...I want to have the opportunity to move forward, and up, and into new places in the career I choose. I want to make money. GOOD money, and being an admin isn't going to get me that. Ever. We are consistently the people that support and make every living, breathing team of executives or managers or just a group of people that are working toward a common goal get what they need in order to get things done. Yet we are consistently the ones that are overlooked when it comes to being paid appropriately for what we do. Sure, we may just be answering the phones, making copies, and shipping stuff, but how much shit would you get done, Mr. Manager, if you had to do all that yourself? What about those of us that are actually doing oh, soooo much more than just average admin duties, and yet we are still overlooked when it comes to appropriate compensation? I've dealt with it too much, and I'm done.

But now what? Yes, I'm still working on the voice over thing...that's what I plan on focussing on after this current temp job I'm at ends. Which should be in a week or two. I really want to make that work for me...but it might not happen right away. Can I settle into a life of mediocre income and no health insurance for a while as I try to get my foot in the door in a very difficult-to-break-into industry? Will it take off faster than I expect it to? (According to my horoscopes this past week, it should do just that, but one can't really rely on such nonsense, can one? Not in my book, no...) What's going to happen to me?

I hate this feeling. I hate being up in the air, floating about as though I haven't a care in the world, when I DO have cares. My car is doing a funky thing that might not be covered by the warranty, and I can't afford $100/hour for servicing. My stomach is settling down a bit, it's true, but there's definitely something wrong in there, and I don't have the ability to go visit a doctor right now to find out what it might be. I really need a new computer at home. The printer I bought a few weeks ago is just sitting there, not hooked up, because my ancient motherboard can't handle the load it adds to the machine when I install it. And let's not even discuss how lucky I am that my monitor hasn't totally conked out on me yet, ok? Oh, and visiting home or Vegas or wherever for the holidays? Yeah, that might not happen, seeing as prices for flights are literally through the roof for Thanksgiving, and I'm not going anywhere for Christmas this year, so Thanksgiving is it, baby. Then again, if I don't have a job in November still, I might just be able to make any random weekend Thanksgiving...but will the rest of the fam be able to do that? Probly not. Seeing half the fam is better than not seeing any of them at all, though. Oh God. What if I don't have a job in November? How the FUCK am I going to pay heating bills this year?

Shit. My stomach is going wonky on me when I think of all this shit. I'd better stop it now...I'm just freaking out, is all. I need some good friends around me, some nonsensical social activity such as watching a movie or going to a couple of art studios for 3rd Friday tonight, and some football this weekend, and all will be right in the World of Faith again. Now I just have to make it through the next 7 hours at "work", and not think about the fate of my career during it. How do I do that? Ok, think of happy things...puppies. Aaah. :) A beautiful path that runs along side a small stream winding through a lovely clearing in a wooded area of central England...mmm, nice. FALL is almost here! Yay!

Ok...that should do it. Stomach is settling again. Meantime, why don't some of you readers make suggestions on what I should consider as a new career path. I was talking to some friends last night about how we could make a killing if we opened a strip joint in Kansas City, KS right now, seeing as the new laws in Missouri have kind of caused a buzz kill for everyone that used to head to that side of the state line for their adult entertainment. But I can't truly see myself as a strip club owner. So that might not work out, really. Especially as I don't have any money, and I think that could be helpful when it comes to openening any kind of business. So go ahead and suggest away...

9 comments:

Hunny said...

Take a deep breath, breath in and slowly breath out! You will do fine. You will get another assignment to get you over the holidays! I have no doubt about that. As for career paths, I have no idea seeing that I am 40 years old and still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up. Look around for a manager trainee job, that will give you the ability to delegate the work?
Good Luck!
HUNNY

Julie said...

I have found that "Business Analyst" is a position that generally comes with decent money and can mean just about anything. It basically means "problem solver with a dash of project manager"--or at least around here, that's what it means. Then you take your specific industry experience and call it your specialization. (So I'm a Business Analyst with experience in Human Resources Systems.) It's a way to sell yourself up to the next level using the experience you have, if you can find a way to spin it.

But that "what do I want to do when I grow up" question? That one sucks. I've tried a bunch of different things, and basically I just finally landed in a place where I really like the work.

Duncan said...

How about instead of working for a temp agency that you become the temp agency......that way you are your own boss and any new computers, etc. that you buy will be a tax write off.

FaithsTwin said...

I've told her to start selling sex toys online. She's got the space for some inventory. She doesn't have kids (when mine are older I plan on selling them on the side...sex toys, not the kids), she could totally be her own boss and it wouldn't take much to get it going.

Duncan said...

Oooh, oooh, oooh. I change my vote for the sex toys one too. Way cooler than my idea. Good one Faithstwin.

Faith said...

I'm not selling sex toys. I don't even OWN any sex toys for myself, so I hardly think I'd be a very good sales person for them.

Goofy-ass people...:P

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