Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The sun is up...for now.

Having a much better day today so far. *knocking on wood* Woke up feeling a bit tired, but mostly in a better mood, showered, made a yummy lunch that I'm looking forward to eating later, got the boyfriend out of bed and out the door, and then swung by my local bagel place for a quick bite and Diet Coke. Because every good day should start off properly with at least 30 oz of Diet Coke, dammit.

I don't know what happened to me yesterday. I'm finding that those sorts of days are hitting me lately...ones where I suddenly stop and find myself wondering what the FUCK is going to happen? And not just about one thing, really. My career, my bills, my family, my boyfriend, his family, my car, my furnace, my fucking lawn, money, money, and , oh yeah, money. Most of the time, I do the normal thing, and think about/worry about one of those things at a time. But every now and then, they all come tumbling forward together and assault my brain in unison. And it sucks, and it makes me cry, and it puts me in an absolutely horrid mood.

But then it goes away. Last night, while wandering around the supermarket trying to remember what we needed at home, boyfriend got frustrated with me for (a) talking about looking for cheaper items and (b) making comments about the size of the tortillas we would need for the fajitas we were making (he grabbed the burrito size, and I wanted the actual fajita size). And I realized right quick that I was being a jackass because he was the one buying the food in the first place, and he could spend whatever he fucking wanted to on salsa, and dammit, if he wanted a burrito-sized fajita for dinner, then why should I care? So I followed him down the aisle, and told him that I'd had a very hard and tiring day due to the fact that I had woken up on the wrong side of the bed, and I was sorry for being such a pain in the ass, but he needed to just understand a little. So he started saying that he knew I'd woken up on the wrong side of the bed because of him, didn't I? I didn't really respond at first, and instead I told him that I had received my Sprint bill and it was twice as much as it usually is, and I freaked out because of it, and no, it didn't help that when my boyfriend is sleeping over at my house, I really prefer for him to be in bed with me while he's doing it! And then I proceded to stomp my feet (and I believe I even hopped up and down in place at one point) in the frozen food section as I wailed (quietly, but it was still a wail, I'm sure of it) about what the fuck am I going to doooooo???? I NEED MONEY! I'm a grown woman, and I can't stand that I'm working for $13.50 an hour, and it's lasting longer than it was supposed to, and I need to get my demo out and actually pursue what I intended to pursue when I left my old fucking job in the first place, and dammit, he hadn't even hugged me today! So he stood back, looked at me and said, "Yes I have. I hugged you while I was outside finishing my cigarette in front of the store." I couldn't help it. I had to smile. He didn't even react to my mini temper tantrum, and he thought that me grabbing him around the waist and him swinging his open arm around my shoulders while he finished smoking in front of the store was what I was looking for in a hug. It's alright, though. I got a hug this morning before he went out the door to work. A bonafide, what-I-look-for-a-hug-to-be hug. It was nice.

So I'm better today. Because I told my temp company that I'm done with working at the current place I'm at because the pay is too low for it to last longer than it has, and the mouth-breather is starting to drive me bananas. I want next Friday to be my last day here, so that I can take a couple of days to get my demo out to production companies, and so that I can clean up the house a bit before leaving for Indiana, and possibly so I can take my car in for it's 25,000 mile servicing that it will be needing soon. And also because I now have pretzels and left-overs and a wonderful boyfriend that actually slept in my bed with me last night. (And who hopefully understands my little neurotic tendencies that pop up every now and least he seems to, and I'm not gonna question it!)

So, better day. Good deal. Back to work.


lyn said...

i am glad you're in a better space. I was feeling a bit like that as well, but am much better now. We're on the same mood swings again. :)

FaithsTwin said...

Dude- I could totally see your little tantrum when you described it. Glad he reacted well to it!