Friday, November 04, 2005

Oh the Faith Secrets I Could Tell...

Guest blogging time! (this is unauthorized, so Faith is hereby released from any and all responsibility until she comes back and does her own blogging. I have SOOO many things I can say! But I won't...mmmggffhgghg. It's so hard to keep it in!)

I have one question: How does this following situation take place? Is it because it's Texas? I can't say I am surprised this story came out of Texas. No offense to the readers (or anyone) in Texas- but you all have some seriously idiotic law enforcement issues for this guy to be let out of death row. Oh, I know, it must be that they recently hired on some chimpanzees because they saw that commercial where the guy is surrounded by monkeys and they thought it was funny- and Lord knows we all need some humor in the jails, specifically death row. It's such a serious place! Lighten up! Start with this mantra: Death is good. Death is peaceful. Death can sometimes be fun! You keep that up, hang in there with the monkeys, and you'll be golden.

For those of you out there who don't know, I live on the West Coast. I am very much a West Coast kind of gal. I love living here. I share a home with my two little girls in a lovely city that was master planned and have no intention of leaving unless the ocean decides I am in its way. It has everything I need- and I rarely have to touch the freeway anymore. However, this can be a bit of an unfortunate situation as when I find myself on a freeway I now have the same experience Cher and her friends did in the movie Clueless (if some of you have no idea what I am talking about? You should. Clueless was a brilliant story, IMO, taking the classic novel from Jane Austen and putting it to work through rich girl Cher in Beverly Hills. I wish I could say I can relate, but besides the rich part? There is no similarity. And even that is gone now...). There is a scene in the movie where Cher is learning to drive and they accidentally get on the freeway. Add to this the combo of the guy from Scrubs and the girlfriend in the backseat with him and you've got visual comedy masterpiece. Now you all can see where I am going with my freeway dread. I feel as if all of the mofo's speeding around my minivan are coming at me honking and at the very least a big rig is suddenly bearing down on me.

Don't get me wrong. I am a good driver. I used to BE one of those mofo's speeding around, sitting on the ass of the car in front of me, not really having to get anywhere but DAMMIT I needed to get there faster that the person in front of me was driving! Now I am a Mom. I have a greater responsibility to be careful, to be conscientious, and to be kind and wonderful to those who don't give a shit about me and mine. I am setting a good example. I have my moments (and these moments are usually filled with words that are translated to "Nutball" by my kiddos- they're so good: they think "crap" is the 'C-word'. ) I am sorry. I am a woman. I am a woman who has 100% custody of her children. I have no money and we want a LOT of stuff! Sue me for being stressed sometimes when I am behind the wheel. I know it is not smart, but I swear I try not to use my cell phone during these weak moments! As we all know: cell phones while driving are distracting. Never mind the kid in the back seat who is now saying, "Stop it...STOP it. MOOOMMM! Make her stop!" Mom: "What are you doing?" Kid:" She's staring at me! I said stop it!!!!!" Or the driver who is in the outside left turn lane and doesn't care that you are in the inside left turn lane, they need to be in your lane half way through the turn. I have chased down people who have done me wrong before, don't think I won't do it again! In any case, distractions are a huge miscreant while driving and we should all have vehicles with Popemobile glass and lovely harp and violin-filled music while someone massages our shoulders in order to avoid doing any wrong.

This is a bit of my life. And until Faith gets back and as long as I can remember her password here, you will see me saying what I want, running around in a debaucherous and careless way saying things like, "My kids said..." or, "The minivan needed an oil change..." and don't forget the, "Holy shit the ex is lucky the knife stayed in the block..."

Tune in for more as frequently as you can.

1 comment:

Maine said...

Guest posting with reckless abandon! Somebody get a pinata!!