Sunday, December 11, 2005

I'd highly suggest staying home today...

Did everyone know it's National Asshat Day today? I was unaware. I wish the Asshats would warn those of us non-asshats when it's approaching, but I guess that's part of why they're Asshats, right? Right.

Scene: Faith going to get a sammich from Mr. Goodcents at about noon. The village is a mess...filled with people who have just gotten out of church, and are looking for food and shopping, etc...Faith first must drop off some Pepcid for boyfriend at his work, since he forgot to take it this morning. Done with that, she heads to the center of the village, where she encounters Asshat #1.

Asshat #1 feels it's unneccessary to stop at the stop sign posted at the intersection. Faith puts on nasty face for first time today, stares down Asshat #1, and moves along in front of her because it was Faith's turn to go, dammit, and Asshat #1 should have stopped at her stop sign. Faith is successful in pulling this off. However, Asshat #2 is just around the corner, waiting to ambush Faith with their asshole meneuvering in the parking lot.

No parking spots in the general vicinity of the sammich shop forces Faith to park along with some other creative folk who have made their own parking spaces in front of the hardware store. No biggy...doesn't say we can't park there, so this works out fine. Unfortunately, Swiss Family Asshat are exiting their car at the same time as Faith, and Father Asshat, instead of using his brain and thinking of someone other than himself, opens the door to the sammich shop and gets in line right in front of Faith. Let's see...he's gonna order 4 sammiches, and Faith is ordering 1 sammich for herself. Is he a jerk? We think so. Again, it's National Asshat Day, though, so really, it's Faith's fault for having abandoned the tuna salad she made at home in favor of going out for the meatball sammich she's been craving for a month.

Father Asshat has 3 children with him. They seem to know what they want, but they keep fucking wandering off instead of telling the sammich makers what they need to do next to complete their sammiches. Asshats beget asshats, though, so Faith silently seeths to herself, and pities the outcome of these poor children who had no choice but to be birthed and raised by Asshats. It really is sad, when you think of it. Meanwhile, Mother Asshat joins Father Asshat, adding yet another sammich to the list they are ordering. Faith is tempted to ask if they have another 5 people hiding just outside that are planning on joining them at the last second, and if they wanna butt into line in front of Faith to do so. But she refrains, and bites her tongue as best she can.

Finally, Faith is able to order. Half of a meatball on white, no cheese, add olives. And yes, it's to go. Because it seems the sammich shop is where the asshats prefer to celebrate their national day, and Faith wants to get the fuck home ASAP.

Faith pays for her sammich, and goes to fill up her soda before she leaves. Father Asshat knows ALL of the Asshats that have come to celebrate at the sammich shop, and is standing in front of the soda dispenser to talk to another one he's run into. Faith grabs a lid for her soda, and starts to edge toward the machine. Father Asshat moves finally, but it's because his three children have showed up, and wanna fill their drinks. Faith has HAD it, though, and says, "I'm going to fill mine up first, honey. Sorry." She gets some ice, she fills her soda, and she steps aside to put the lid on and get her straw in the cup. In doing so, she has left her sammich in a vulnerable spot right in front of the iced tea dispenser. Son Asshat is getting iced tea, for some reason. Now, being that he is the child of Father Asshat, he apparently hasn't been taught any manners, and almost pushes Faith aside to get to the dispenser. No biggy...Faith realizes he needs space to do this and moves a bit. But then, while waiting for the iced tea to fill his cup, Son Asshat rests his arms on the counter around Faith's sammich!!! So Faith has to say, "Excuse me, can I get my sandwich?" To which Son Asshat replies, "Nice manners," in such a condescending tone, that Faith has to figure out how NOT to dump her entire 36 ounce Diet Coke over his head to show him just what bad manners actually are. Mercifully, though, Mr. Smartypants Son Asshat moves, and Faith can grab her sammich and just get the FUCK out of there. God bless it.

Finally home, Faith takes off her coat, and goes into the kitchen to adjust the sammich so she can eat it. She opens the box. FUCK. There is CHEESE on the sammich! It's a hot sammich, and so the cheese has melted to a point that it can't simply be removed. (Faith doesn't eat cheese, or any dairy products, as they cause her to break out, and to get horrible stomach aches and the runs.) Faith has to put her coat back on, and head back out into the center of National Asshat celebration in order to get her sammich fixed. She is very glad that she refrained from telling Son Asshat that he should really watch himself and make sure he doesn't grow up to be a self-centered asshat like his father is, because Swiss Family Asshat got their food and stayed to eat it in the shop, and she knew they'd still be there when she went back.

Faith is nice to the guy that made the mistake on her sammich. After all, that guy is making her a new one, and she doesn't want any form of bodily fluid to be added to the sammich in addition to the olives. Plus, he gives her a free sammich card to use in the future to make up for the mistake, which is pretty damned cool. As Faith waits for the new sammich to be made, she glances over at Swiss Family Asshat, and notices that Son Asshat is looking at her with a smirk on his face. She non-chalantly flips him off, but he doesn't seem to notice. Either that, or he's used to being flipped off, as he is, after all, Son Asshat, begotten by Father Asshat, King of Self-centerdness, and doesn't really pay attention to it any more when it happens. Faith gets her new sammich, says thanks, and goes home. The sucky thing? The sammich wasn't worth it. She realizes after finishing it that she should have stayed home, drank the Diet Pepsi w/ Lime in her fridge, and eaten the tuna salad she'd made with pretzels. Hind sight is 20/20, though.

Faith is supposed to meet her friends to watch the Chiefs game at the Moose at 3:15. Faith is pretty sure that the Asshats of the world aren't aware of this secret meeting, and that only cool people go to the Moose on Sundays at 3:15, so she can safely avoid any Asshatery while there. It's the drive to and from that has her freaked out, though. She is contemplating how she can succesfully avoid all Asshats in between home and the Moose, so she can keep her blood pressure down. Can this be achieved? She'll keep you posted...

Watch out for Asshats today. That is all.

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