Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ruminations and questions...

I have something rolling about in my head right now that I’m curious about. Sound off if you get what I’m talking about…or if you think I need therapy. Either way, comment, ya bastards!

Even though I’m in my most favorite relationship EVER at this point in my life, I still think of old boyfriends now and then. I wonder about things like, did the Scientologist boyfriend get married to the beautiful stick-figure he dated after me, and buy a house, and have a baby all before the age of 24? Did the quasi-boyfriend that I still liked while I was dating Scientologist boyfriend who made the HUGE mistake of not allowing me into his life like he should have all those years ago ever off himself over that decision**? Does Dickhead continue to treat women as though they are meaningless in his life, or did he find someone to match his new fabulous California lifestyle that makes him happy and excited and actually able to believe that your significant other should be your best friend as well? Is Asshole happy? Or does he still wallow in his decisions and mistakes the way he used to? There’s only one boyfriend that I don’t think about in this manner, and that’s the boyfriend that cheated on me. We blew up at each other, and he lost friends over what he did to me, and then the relationship with the girl he cheated on me with didn’t turn out so well for him in the end anyway, and we then made peace with each other after all that, so with him, it’s just not on my mind, for some reason. Every once in a while, I pass a Porsche like the one he used to drive, or an Explorer like the one we used to off-road in, and he pops into my head for a sec, but then he’s gone just as quickly again. But all the rest of them kind of float in and out, and make me wonder if it’s natural to think about someone that I haven’t seen in over a year, or 3, or 10!

Am I unusual in this regard? Is it something that only girls tend to do, or do boys also ruminate over past relationships/people they’ve cared about in their lives, and wonder how they’re doing and what their life is like now? The only person I can actually check back on is Asshole, and I don’t mind admitting that I have visited his blog lately, and he does seem to be happy, finally. Although, in an odd twist of things, except for the baby and the fact that he appears to have already proposed to his new love, he seems to be following an awfully close pattern to my most recent relationship developments. It’s nice to see. I know that may sound odd coming from someone that spewed such vitriol about the dude a little over a year ago, but while I never liked the way he treated me, I still couldn’t help but feel bad for the person that he was. And I’m always glad to see when someone’s life has turned around for them. Like Dave (a.k.a. Fucktard). He’s had a girlfriend now for about 8 months or so, and while they broke up briefly in the Fall, they got back together and everyone is betting on when he’s gonna pop the question, they seem so perfect for one another. It’s nice to see him happy, and to see that he has something to do a lot of the time besides sit around, drink, mope, and be a general asshat to the rest of the world. I’m definitely glad that he’s not being such an asshat, that’s for sure. I mean, everyone has their days now and then, but he had them all. the. time. It sucked.

I wish that all of my exes could have blogs, is the thing. So I could settle the random, minor curiosity that pops up in my head now and then. So I could see whether they’re happy, or if they need good juju sent their way, or if their evil mother who spawned them just to drive every one of their girlfriends to madness eventually has died yet, or anything, you know? (And she was evil. Man, oh man. I feel sorry for all the women out there that have mother-in-laws like her. If I ever marry my current love, I’m happy to say that his mom and I seem to get along like little sister and big sister. So that will be nice.) Having that window into the past makes way for a good deal of closure over certain matters, I think.

So, what say you? Am I alone in this? Or is this something that we all do, whether we’re in a good relationship or not? Because I can’t express enough that I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and am only grateful to the past relationships for having taught/showed me what a bad relationship was, and for making it all that much clearer and sweeter to be in one that actually works and belongs and feels good and all that jazz. Believe me, if I could have avoided all that heartache and pain for the past 11 years, then I would have! I don’t know, though…just musing out loud on this one, really. But I’d love your insight, so tell me what you think, please. It’s been too quiet around here lately…

**The quasi-boyfriend pops up every now and then in the form of a voice message on my cell phone, so I know he hasn’t offed himself yet. At least, he hadn’t as of October, I think it was, so if he doesn’t call again soon, I might start checking the obits in LA, just to be sure. And I know you’re probly thinking I’m full of myself, and that I’m an insensitive asshole talking like this, but I don’t know how else to talk about it. I loved him, he ignored me, then once I’d fallen OUT of love with him, he decided he did love me after all, but it was too late. I haven’t seen him in 9 years now, but he still expresses to me that I was the one that got away and he could kick himself (or do worse) over it. One might think that’d be a nice thing to hear…but it’s not. It got to be a bit depressing and loathsome hearing about how sad his love life was every time I talked to him, so I simply stopped talking to him. I’m hoping that he’ll allow someone else into his life eventually…someone that he actually takes the time to get to know and love. And not just another girl that he brings home from a bar and can’t remember the name of the next morning, you know? So sad…


Anonymous said...

I've met people like the Asshole before. He will never change... people like him don't. He may seem to be happy, but that's just the thing with him/them... it's all about appearances. He'll never be happy, even if he isn't aware of it yet. People who lie for no reason... people who prey on those who are vulnerable... they don't change.

That's the thing about men, at least as I've found. They never look back, they never feel guilty... if they did, they wouldn't have acted the ways they did.

But, I too have looked back. I feel that I'm pretty awesome and have been wronged just as many times as the next girl and although it would make me feel better thinking that someday, even if just to themselves they would think, "wow, she was nice, maybe I shouldn't have done that to her, or acted that way". They don't. They just move on.

There's a song that's been on the Pop charts for a little while that did make me feel a little better... Hoobastank, The Reason. I think it's BS though... I just don't believe men think much.

Hold onto the great thing you have, it doesn't happen very often.

Just my 2 cents.

Faith said...

(Just to be clear, I didn't mean for this post to become a bashing on Asshole/men in general thing. I seriously just wanted to know if other people think about exes like I do, and if girls are very different from boys in that respect. I'm glad to have the feedback, and won't be deleting any of it or anything, but I don't want anyone running over to tell Asshole that I'm bringing him up again to fuck around with his peace. That's NOT what this is about. He happens to be an ex, and he's a perfect example of one in this case, is all. Apparently, he's ticked more people off than just me in the past, though. And that ain't my fault!)

I talked to the boyrfriend about this last night a bit, too. He still thinks about certain exes as well. He's still friends with one of them, so that goes without saying. But the one that really fucked him over? Yeah, she creeps into his brain every now and then, it seems. We had an interesting conversation about it, really. I'm glad he doesn't think I'm a weirdo! (Well, he KNOWS I'm a weirdo, but I'm glad he doesn't think I'm a total frea...oh, forget it. You know what I mean, I'm sure.)

lyn said...

i am friends with a lot of my exes, so that is good since i know what is up with them...but the others...a little ex stalking never hurt no one. i think it is natural to be curious. i mean, you cared for them at some point and just because you broke up doesn't mean you don't long as it doesn't interfere with your current relationship, then no harm, no foul.

Coley said...

I do the exact same thing. Currently in a fabulous relationship, but still find myself occassionally wondering what happened to the former loves. Did the most recent ever graduate from college? Does his mother still decide everything for him? Is the first one still alive and and un-incarcerated?

I do this often, usually around the time when the current will do something wonderful for me. It gets you thinking how good it all feels, and because we are just a little neurotic, we have to compare notes on all the exes.

At least, I know I do....

Faith said...

Aahhhh...that makes TOTAL sense, Coley! I mean, it always made sense for me to think back to past loves when I was out of a relationship, but I couldn't figure out why I do it now that I'm in a satisfying one.

And after the discussion that boyfriend and I had last night, your comment comes together for me, really. Because we were talking about how he still thinks of the last "big" relationship he was in (lived with her, PROPOSED to her, and then she dumped him in a really mean way...and he was pretty sure she was cheating on him, too), and he wonders if she still has such a disgusting love for money the way she used to, and whether she values her BMW above everything else, etc, etc...And I think that in being with me, he's seen the general comparison between 2 people with similar backgrounds, and just how different she and I are regardless of our similar upbringings. When I mentioned that the next car I want to get is a Saturn Vu, I think he almost swallowed his cigarette.

I'm sort of afraid to take him home, to be quite honest. But that's a different post for later in the day, perhaps. (Maybe this whole comment of mine shoulda been a different post! Oh well...)

And I compare him to past loves, too. But in a good way. Although, every now and then, my insecurities creep in. I hate it when that happens.

dukethor said...

Ok, let's hear from a bot, shall we?

Personally, I don't do the comparison thing, as my wife is so different from anyone else that I've ever met. There is literally nobody to compare her to.

I do think back to the past ocasionally. Sometimes it's to throw fireballs at the ex-wife, but mostly it focuses on one girl in particular. It's probably because we were so much alike in a lot of ways, and the closest I've ever been emotionally with another person, with the exception of my current wife. But, with my current wife, it works because we're total opposites of each other (so I guess we balance out). In the case of this girl, tho, I guess we were both lost in the bigger world that surounds us.

I often think of her and even think of contacting her, but it's been almost 20 years now. I think I found her sister once living in Minnesota, and thought about sending her an email, but backed out. I was partially afraid she wouldn't remember who I was, and partially afraid of what I would find out.

I'm betting that everything with her is exactly as she planned. I'll bet she married for love over anything material, and ended scraping around for a few years until she finally got her dream job somewhere in the fashion industry. That's what I like to think anyway. I guess I don't want to find out the truth because I know that if she did anything else with her life (at least, if it made her feel like she "sold out"), it would break my heart.

Well, that was sappy, wasn't it? lol

Faith said...

So is it a sentimentality that makes us do this, do you guys think? I'm not sure myself. I don't feel any particular affinity towards any of my exes, and am kind of glad, most of the time, that I don't have the chance to randomly run into any of them, save for 2 of them, really, since most live in California. I guess it's true that the comparison bit just never leaves, really. Even though my aim is to never, EVER compare current relationships to past ones, it seems it's just bound to happen anyway!

Hunny said...

Ok, you ask if anyone every wonders about past boyfriends.
In 4th grade I had the biggest crush on this boy. He was my first kiss. Years later in Highschool, as some kids will do we got bored and started to fool around. Just before we were going to complete the act, I hear a car pull up. I jump up look out the window and see my parents. My friend took off out the back door just as the front door open. 20 years later, we had a chance to talk at our class reunion. He had lost his wife to cancer. Me I had been married 17 years. I asked him did he regret the fact that we didn't get a chance to finish what we started. He stated in the nicest way that although he will always regret not being able to fufill what we had started, that he was happy that we hadn't. He went into his marriage a virgin and he wouldn't have changed that for anything since his late wife was also a virgin.
So yes, it is ok to wonder what if, we all do. Its natural, I think it is one of the basic things that helps us going day to day.

Tony said...

Awesome post. The only reason for a dude to think about the past is to wonder if he could still "hit it" without too much trouble. And that question comes up more than you would think.

In general, I think everybody going with the "let the past be the past" state of mind is best . . . which is what Faith seems to be doing . . . even though she can't help being a woman with a vagina which seems to be good for the memory but not for happiness "in the moment."

alisha said...

I think it's natural to wonder about past relationships. I ended up finding my ex-fiance on MySpace and had a good laugh at the fact he put up a really old picture of himself. Also, he posted his really boring, self-absorbed, "no-one really gets me" poetry on his about me section. Granted he has gotten his life somewhat together he's still an idiot and it felt good to know he was still an idiot.