Tuesday, April 25, 2006

You've got a nerve to be asking a favor!

Recently, I’ve been having a lot of strange thoughts in my head regarding the person I’ve become throughout the recent years of my life. Am I ok with the things that I do? The thoughts I have? The feelings that result from the activities that I participate in? I pick on my boyfriend about leaving the patio door unlocked at night, and for the junk he drags into the house on his work shoes, and for the way he teases me when it just isn’t a good time to do so. I’ve managed to piss off my older sisters, no matter what I say or do, through whatever small amount of contact we’ve had over the past couple of years. I feel like I’ve lost touch with old friends that used to mean a lot to me, but wonder why that happens, and what the hell I’m supposed to do about it. I like my hermitdome much of the time, and prefer that my life just include a small circle of people in it, really. Does that make me a bad person? I like the incidental contact I have with certain people, but feel crowded when they call me every weekend wanting to talk for 2 hours at a time, or asking if I want to go out. I know they need to talk, and I want to be there for them, but I also want to walk on the treadmill, eat my dinner, and be lazy for a while in front of the t.v., and those 2 hours of chat-time just cut a huge chunk out of that schedule.

I’m so focused these days on making ends meet and making sure the house is kept up to code and making sure that I don’t push the boyfriend too far that he starts thinking of me as a shrew instead of a possible future wife. I’m having a hard time enjoying my time at home lately because the trees in the backyard look like shit and need to be trimmed, and there’s clearly a water leak in my roof over my kitchen and garage and I can’t afford to have the handyman come until June and Christ I hope it doesn’t get worse before then, and I need to weed the yard, and I need to clean the siding and the gutters and I’m just the worst homeowner ever because I decided to spend $3,600 on a new driveway and now I feel all vain and shit, and my house is constantly a mess because the puppy and the boyfriend and holy crap ME and everything and we make a mess and there’s no way to stop it and as soon as I clean there it is all messed up again!

And THIS is the shit I focus on. Not my stepmother’s birthday (which was two weeks ago, and her card is still sitting on my desk next to me…) or my oldest best friend’s birthday (2 days after stepmom’s, and card is in the same place) or what has happened to a good friend that I used to spend loads of time with and haven’t seen since Christmas or when I’m going to start attending the church in my neighborhood and join their choir or when I’m going to follow up on the voice-over demos that I personally delivered back in November or when I’m going to be able to afford (money and time-wise) another trip home to visit family (and dammit, why can’t they come to visit ME every now and then, huh? So I can use my vacation time for actual vacations to nifty places like Puerto Rico and such?) and see? There goes my mind off on the selfish tangent again.

I keep figuring that at some point in my life, I’ll have time to focus on something other than myself. And in the meantime, I’m just going to have to be seen as being an asshole, selfish, self-centered person that doesn’t do anything for anyone other than herself all the time.

Oh, wait. I work 40 hours a week as an admin, and therefore give much more of myself to others on a regular basis than I usually give myself credit for. I forgot about that. I take back all that bad crap I just said about myself. Moving along then…


the belligerent intellectual said...

"I keep figuring that at some point in my life, I’ll have time to focus on something other than myself."

Hold on, you say that like it's something to strive for instead of something to avoid at all costs. I'm confused . . .

Mona Buonanotte said...

Must be something in the air, I'm feeling sorta kinda this way too.

Is it Friday yet?

Hunny said...

And here I am so very jealous of your life. Me I am a Mother first, a wife second, a daughter, sister, friend, and clericial assistant first. Then when all that drives me nuts, I finally take time for myself. I am 41 and wish that the kids were grown, that my husband was on a month long trip fishing and that my parents/sisters/brothers all stop makign my life their soap operas.
Ok, I feel better. Thanks Faith for letting me be myself when I comment.
Have a Great Tuesday evening!