Thursday, May 04, 2006

Feeling a little Pooh...

I feel bothered today. Just a bit unsettled. It's going to be a bit of a raucous couple of hours mid-day, and that doesn't help much, but really, I'm just bothered by myself at this point. Bothered and frustrated. I weighed 190 again this morning, and it seems that no amount of healthy eating or change in my exercise regime makes a bit of difference. I'm going to the doctor today (after I have to go home and let the puppy out of her crate, of course), so I'll be missing about 2 hours of work in the middle of the day, and don't have any way to make up for it, except to maybe get here a bit early tomorrow morning, which, let's face it, ain't gonna happen. My mornings are spent trying to eat a sensible breakfast, get make-up on my face, and get the dog to poop as much as she can before I need to put her in her kennel again. I need to talk to the boyfriend about helping more on the mornings when he has to go to work too, because I'm getting irritated by the fact that I'm the one responsible for her much of the time, except for the 2 days of the week when he stays home. I take care of her from start to finish on Saturdays and Sundays. I take care of her early in the a.m., at lunch, and most of the times she needs to go out in the evenings on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. (Mostly because the boyfriend gets home from work those days at about 6:30 or 7, and then promptly crashes out on the couch soon after we've finished with dinner. And once he's asleep, he's asleep. It's tough to wake him to even get him to go to sleep in a proper place like the bed, much less to help me take the dog out one last time for the evening.) I'm tired, frankly. Tired of myself, tired of my routine, tired of the fact that nothing changes ever.

How do I make my body change? I've tried doing the several-workouts-per-week-lower-amount-of-calorie-intake thing, and it didn't work. I've adjusted to try the several-workouts-per-week-but-eat-a-few-more-calories thing, and it didn't work. I drink grapefruit juice now, as I heard it can help kick fat burners into gear (plus, I like it...never thought I would, but I do). I drink less alcohol and more water and Diet Coke when I'm out. I switched up the workouts so that they aren't the same trudging walk on the treadmill day after day. I think the yoga will help, over time of course, but I wish I could see the results NOW dammit!!! I've tried not focussing so much that it hurts to think about both food and exercise. I've tried not to become obsessed, but all I can think about is how people are always telling me that I'm "not fat", and how I can clearly see that I am in mirrors and photos. I can't help but think about how my dad is probably disappointed in the fact that he has a fat kid. I can't help but wonder if my boyfriend is lying when he says that I'm beautiful, especially when I just saw my reflection in the mirror in the bathroom and he is just soooo high if he actually believes that crap.

And I hate that my blood is against me in all of this, and puts out the signal to the medical world that I might not be as healthy as I feel. How does one lower their cholesterol? It's not like I eat a ton of butter, meat, or cheese, so WTF? I eat shrimp around 3 - 4 times a month. Is that it? Is it the egg yolk or two that I allow to pass my lips now and then? (This morning, I cursed the egg that broke as I tried to separate it before it went into the pan. I fished out some of the yolk, but still a little bit - less than an ounce, I'd say - eeked by. But is that enough to make my cholesterol get as high as it is? And WTF is up with my tryglicerides? Is it the alcohol I drink? Because, come on. 4 drinks/night on Friday and Saturday on average, and maybe 3 or 4 glasses of wine throughout the week...please. What is WRONG with that kind of consumption?

I'm frustrated. And bothered. And feeling very Eeyoreish today, so please forgive the frustrated rant. Needed to get it all off my chest.