Not much time today. I have a big meeting in about 10 minutes, and my stomach is in the most unruly mood this morning, so I’m really looking forward to sitting in a meeting for an hour, fo sho. :P The boyfriend is not feeling happy towards me right now - I know it and yet I don’t have anything to apologize for, so there’s nothing that can be done except to keep moving along as we usually do, and if he wants to talk, he can talk. (But he doesn’t usually, so I don’t know why it would change now.)
Today is a standardly crappy day for me anyway. If you don’t know why, hit this link , and it explains it all. I was up at 2 a.m., didn’t go back to sleep until about 3:45 a.m., and I wasn’t sure if it was part of the recurring memory I’ve had for the past 9 years (GOD! Has it been so long?), or if it was just the chicken I ate for dinner last night. I haven’t had a chance to go and pay my respects yet this year…I’ve been too busy every weekend, and it’s not something that can be done during the week, so I feel really off about the whole thing at this point. I’m really looking forward to heading down there on Saturday, and putting things at ease again.
Needless to say, I still wonder, even 9 years later, how different things would have been if Dan had lived. We weren’t meant to be together, that’s for sure, but would we still be friends? What would he be doing with his life right now? I really, really, really can’t explain how much I long for those questions to be answered.
And they never, ever can be.
And the lingering thought that remains in my head, regardless of how many times he tries to tell me otherwise, or how often I am able to reconcile it myself, is how I could’ve stopped it from happening. I was the only one that could have stopped it from happening. The punishment is relentless…