Thursday, June 15, 2006

Confession...

Ok, it became clear to me last night: I'm scared. I'm not just bothered by the idea of what this trip to the doctor is going to cost me, I'm also very clearly bothered by the potential outcome, which is pretty natural I s'pose.

And just to be clear, I'm not waiting to hear from the billing lady about the cost of the "procedures" just so I can decide whether I'm gonna have them done or not. I'm waiting to hear so I know how much I need to pull out of my savings to pay for them without having to use my credit card, yet again, in order to cover the costs. It was estimated by doctors that my mother had colon cancer for up to 5 years prior to it metasticizing to her liver and causing her death. Had she been receiving colonoscopies on a regular basis after she turned 40, then she might not be dead now. So the plan for me? First colonoscopy when I turn 35, and then probably another one when I'm 38, and then annual colonoscopies after I turn 40. No, it won't be fun. But I think cancer sucks a bit more than having a tube put up your ass every now and then. Just sayin'. I'm not afraid of having things checked. Not at all. And I certainly do not think that it's more important to save money to buy a new dress, or some shit, than it is to make sure that my body is in good healthy working order.

Last night, the boyfriend came home and shared the news that we had been asked to perform a task at his/our friends' wedding this weekend. Mind you, I thought we were in the free and clear...sometimes, people just look forward to attending a wedding, and not having to do anything while they're there. I'm one of those people. I love to contribute to the day by offering my good wishes, celebrating with the family, and giving presents (usually money). So when he came home and told me that his friend had called and asked us to do this, and then added that he said it would be "a favor", my heart sank.

This week has been a far cry from being an easy one for me. I've been overwhelmed by loads of tasks at work, what with the coworker being out of town, and then mom's death anniversary on Tuesday made me feel sadder than it usually does, especially after I heard about my cervix problem from my doctor's office. That made me want my mommy. I'm depressed, feeling more than blue much of the time, and my body image right now isn't the best. I have bought a cheap Target dress to wear to this wedding, and am banking on the ability of accessories to make me look presentable and fashionable, but I haven't tried it all on together yet, for fear of what it will do to my already waning enthusiasm towards the event and my need to be social. So when the boyfriend said that we had been asked to be ushers on Saturday, my first thought was, "But that's not even something a girl should be doing! That's a boy's responsibility!" Yes, I'm being irrational and selfish and a downright asshole, really. The outfit we got for my boyfriend makes him look great. He seriously looks very handsome and put together, and I've been telling him for two weeks how crappy and icky I'm gonna look standing next to him at this wedding. So my second thought was, "I don't want people to even be looking at me." I started walking around the house, freaking out, and then the boyfriend said we need to help seat people at the reception too (???) and I was dead set against it. Then he said something about helping to cut the cake, and I told him I don't know what to do there! I don't even cut birthday cakes when we have them at the office! I'm a big proponent of getting people cupcakes, actually...no cutting necessary! So the boyfriend said he can handle that. (I can help him plate, I'm sure...)

So he said he'd call his friend back, and he did. He went outside to talk to him without me hearing what he was saying to him. I sat inside the house and cried. Cried about the fact that his friends seem to be starting to hate me because of who I am and what I do and how I handle my social life, and now I'm pissing even more of them off. Crying because I'm tired, and I'm sad, and I miss my mom, and I'm afraid of what's happening to my body without me even being able to feel it. Crying because I'm a fat pig that can't even find a decent and cute dress that fits me from a nice place like Banana Republic or Anthropologie to wear to special occassions like weddings. Crying because I'm afraid people won't understand what's happening inside of me, and will just think I'm a selfish asshole, which I really am, I guess.

Great. Now I want to cry again. Excuse me...

6 comments:

Cheri said...

{{{{{Faith}}}}}

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult morning!

I don't want to make it worse and I'm not sure if what I say will but IMO I think your bf freinds have gone a bit overboard in asking you to do too so much at the wedding. I can see asking to help do one thing but 3 different things. Don't they have family? Maybe it's my bitchy selfish self saying that but I wouldn't do that to someone. I assume these are very good friends of your boyfriend so I can see them asking HIM to do stuff but to expect you to do it all just because your his gf?? Sounds a bit selfish to me. Maybe they just don't have anyone else?? I'd hope that is the reason since it's so last minute of them to ask. Ok I'll stop now. I feel ya on this one though! It's alot to have going on in the same week. I hope you feel better soon!!{{{{{Faith}}}}

lyn said...

i'm with cheri...don't they have other people to help with that stuff? and with you feeling like you are about your body i'm sure it makes it worse (though i have to say i think you look great. if you didn't talk about how much you weigh i would never guess that you weigh what you do.)

last thing...the cervix thing is scary but at least you can have it looked at so that you can take care of whatever is going on. that way you can be around for the boyfriend and the twin and the rest of your family plus all of us on the interweb that love you too.

***hugs***

Alisha said...

Jen, check your e-mail sista! I got somethin' to tell ya!

Hunny said...

Faith,
I am sorry you were so sad last week. I am getting caught up on my reading that I missed last week. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all the hugs and kissables (hersey) that I can find!
HUNNY

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