I'm having a hard time understanding my reluctance to contact any churches regarding the possibility of holding our wedding ceremony at their location. Do I feel a certain level of underlying hypocrisy within myself because of my desire to be settled in a long-term home/neighborhood before I join a church? Do I still feel the same way that I used to towards my chosen religion? Do I just not care? (That might be the ultimate answer, actually, since a recent audit of my overall personal habits/beliefs/etc...has shown that my apathy levels are WAAAAY up from where they used to be.)
It's strange, and it's not right, and it's (yet again) giving me heartburn.
I love being Catholic. I love my faith and (most of) what it stands for. I like it for me, and I want to follow up with my sacraments, and be the best Catholic that I can be. (Not necessarily the best Catholic I'm expected to be...2 very different things in my eyes.)
But I also want to do what's easiest and runs along the path of least resistance. I want a ceremony that's beautiful and meaningful and will say everything we want it to cover appropriately. This means that I don't want the pressure of the church's expectations over us to marry and start the process of attempting to reproduce. I've never felt that it was something that would be held over my head by God, as I'm pretty sure I'm the way I am (a.k.a. anti-children) because He made me this way, but once something is blessed and ordained by the church here on earth, will I feel differently toward the implied obligation? I don't think I would, but it remains to be seen. History has proven that the women in our family don't easily let go of their past mistakes. Might've just been the way my mother was raised, but I feel she found it too difficult to forgive herself for things she'd done in the past, and even blamed herself for things that really weren't her fault...and I blame those feelings she had for her cancer that she up and got and died by.
I've never had a hard time forgiving myself for making mistakes and trying to move past them in an effective manner. Sure, I still wish I could change a few decisions I've made along the way, but they are what they are, and I try not to dwell like I used to. It's easier to do that now that I'm in a happier place in my life, I think, but I do know that I made valiant efforts to "let go" even when I was single and angsty. (Ok, ok...more angsty. Shut up.)
So will I be able to call the churches tomorrow? Maybe. Maybe not. Will I be able to deal with the ultimate decision 20 years from now? I hope so. I mean, I'll try, anyway.