Dear Guy on the Treadmill Next to Me This Morning at 24 Hour Fitness on Ward Parkway,
I'm really happy that you're trying to get into/keep in shape by "running" on the treadmill. Good job, buddy!
However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that when you hold yourself up with your hands on the handles on either side of the machine as you run, you really aren't running. You're just sort of swinging your legs quickly through the air while your feet barely brush the tread as it passes beneath you. You might wanna start at a slower pace if you can't keep up with the tread after just 30 seconds of running at the pace you have decided to challenge yourself at.
Also, there were about 10 machines available to run on, so why you chose the one directly next to mine is a little beyond me. Perhaps being next to a chubby girl as she works out makes you feel better about your funky little air-running routine...I dunno. But when there are plenty of machines left to have a "cushion" machine between us, use them. Just to be nice. Especially since you farted through the first 5 minutes of your "run." That was a lovely addition to the start of my day, I must say. And by "lovely," I mean "foul."
Good luck to you in your future workout endeavors. I hope the air-running thing gets you into the shape of your dreams (it won't), and that you're able to find a girl that can live with your "lovely" habit of farting wherever you deem reasonable space to do so. It certainly was a pleasure to have you nearby during the first 10 minutes of my time at the gym this morning, so thank you for that! (It really wasn't, and I hope I never see you again, actually...)