Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My Mother...(not "Today - part 2" That'll be later.)

I just thought about this, and wanted to post it, so as to try to cleanse my soul, if possible. (This may sound as though I'm mocking death or the sanctity of the relationship I had with my mother to some, and just an FYI, I kinda am. But if you know me well enough...which you should if you go back and read my archives...then you will know that this is just the kind of girl I am. And mom loved me for it, dammit. Just to be clear, though, I am in NO WAY mocking the fact that my mother died or how she died. That'd just be sick.)

My mother, as many may already know, died several years ago of liver cancer. She lived for about 10 months after her diagnosis, which was pretty remarkable considering the shape her liver was in by the time the disease was caught. It was hard on all of us - even me, known in my family as possibly being made partially of ice, particularly in the heart area - as I'm sure it would be for any family that had to watch their beloved matriarch dwindle away in such a manner.

About a month before mom died, she started giving us information she wanted to pass on to us. I don't know if she did this for the other kids, but I'm pretty sure she did. Anyway, I remember the day very clearly when she was sitting in her green chair upstairs in the master bedroom as I sat beside her between the chair and the window. (This actually might have happened closer to her death than I recall...I can't remember it exactly now, but I figure that the month estimate makes sense.) She told me that she had my dead boyfriend Dan with her...she could see him, actually, and she would be taking him with her to the other side, so I didn't have to worry about him any more. I appreciated that, and I thought it was odd for her to bring it up the way she did (I didn't talk to her about him, even though he died only about 4 months before she was initially diagnosed with the cancer that killed her), so I figured he really must've been there, and it did comfort me a lot when I needed it.

The other thing she wanted to tell me was as follows, and you might want to take this advice yourselves, if you so desire: "When the soap gets to the point where it's halfway gone, just fill it up with water. It's as powerful as it needs to be even with the water added, and you have the soap for twice as long."

These were really important words coming from my mother's dying heart...she wanted to help me, and make sure she gave me the best advice she could right up until her dying day. And she said it to me with all the seriousness that she had just brought my dead boyfriend up with, so I know she really, really meant it. So here's the problem that I have...

Every time I use soap...whether it's at work, or at the gym, or at home, or even when I'm a guest in another person's house, I remember this advice my mother gave me. And although it's been over 8 years since she died, I haven't filled the half-empty soap containers with water even once. When I lived in Boston, my roommates did it with the soap containers we shared in the kitchen and in the bathroom, but that didn't really count, did it?

I HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING MY DEAD MOTHER'S ADVICE FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS!!! And it's starting to catch up with me. I'm not kidding...every time I use soap, I can hear her voice, picture that conversation, and I wonder if she thinks I'm a total asshole because I don't do what she told me to do.

I happen to think it dilutes the soap a bit, so that's why I don't do it.

But I should! I should do it. And I don't. And it's starting to drive me a little crazy.

There's a lesson in there somewhere, I know there is. Anyone who can help me figure it all out will win over my undying appreciation.

1 comment:

FaithsTwin said...

Huh. I guess she was just taking care of all the things she WANTED to say but never got around to before then.

Nice to hear about her and Dan.

I just got her wondering if I was having an affair with a gay guy. *shrug*