Well, it was bound to happen…mini-meltdown occurred last night after fiancé got home. It was a money/job issue/feeling like an asshole for losing my job thing, probably mixed with a hefty dose of hormonal shift due to my girlie-thingy and all. I almost thought I’d ruined what I was making for dinner (I made the "side dish" and fiancé generously made the "main dish"), but it still tasted really good once I was done blubbering and being comforted. We made Triscuit-encrusted tilapia and whole wheat pasta with white bean sauce. Check out the recipe for the pasta…it made a fabulous side-dish, although I went ahead and omitted the parsley, since I HATE parsley and all. It really was very good. The Triscuit-encrusted thing started as a joke, but fiancé took the idea and ran with it. (I’d forgotten to buy flour when I was at the market, so I told him we could grind up some crackers instead! Who would’ve thunk that the Triscuits would work so well? Not I…)
Not much of anything funny is happening right now, really. I’m having a hard time with the switches between depression and stress, and hate being around people other than my fiancé, or talking to anyone other than the Twin. I stopped answering my home phone a long time ago (only poll-takers and sheriff fund-raisers call me any more…), and when my cell phone rings from a caller that isn’t the Twin or the fiancé, I pretty much ignore it. I feel down and unhappy, and not in the mood to deal with anything else. This job issue may not seem huge to anyone outside of my head, but to me, it IS huge. After next week, I am without a job. I have about $1,200 in savings, and that will barely cover the mortgage and a couple of bills for one month. I’ve only received the bill for the emergency room visit from a week and a half ago so far, but its $198, so I can imagine how much the x-rays, ice-pack, and ankle brace will wind up costing me. Actually, I try not to imagine it. It makes my stomach hurt. Now my car needs fixing, and while I have plenty of room on my credit card to take care of the expense, I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to use that thing again this year. But I have no choice. The car needs attention, and I can’t ignore it any more or I might wind up with a much more costly issue on my hands to deal with.
I go back and forth from wondering whether or not these issues would be harder or easier to deal with if I didn’t have the fiancé in my life. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like I’m one of two captains of a ship, and my side is sinking fast while the other captain is having to over-compensate on his side to try to keep the whole boat from going down. If I were the only captain, would I be more depressed? Likely. But would I feel more in control? I don’t know. I understand that he and I will be linked to each other until death do us part in less than a year, and we’re going to have to start dealing with issues like these as a "team" from now on, but I guess I just feel really, really shitty for being so weak. I hate that I'm causing him to have to over-compensate for us.
There isn’t really anything funny happening in the news right now, either! So sick of politics, I could throw up, I’ve been reading things I wouldn’t usually read, such as the aftermath of Britney filing for divorce from Kevin. I mean, who the fuck cares, right? But the fact that he’s requesting full custody is kinda funny. He’s such an idiot. Apparently, the community assets between the two are "uncertain" which I guess suggests that there might have been a prenup in place. Which makes Federline even MORE of an idiot! I actually am looking forward to how it all turns out.
God, that’s sad…