Thursday, November 09, 2006

Well, it was bound to happen…mini-meltdown occurred last night after fiancé got home. It was a money/job issue/feeling like an asshole for losing my job thing, probably mixed with a hefty dose of hormonal shift due to my girlie-thingy and all. I almost thought I’d ruined what I was making for dinner (I made the "side dish" and fiancé generously made the "main dish"), but it still tasted really good once I was done blubbering and being comforted. We made Triscuit-encrusted tilapia and whole wheat pasta with white bean sauce. Check out the recipe for the pasta…it made a fabulous side-dish, although I went ahead and omitted the parsley, since I HATE parsley and all. It really was very good. The Triscuit-encrusted thing started as a joke, but fiancé took the idea and ran with it. (I’d forgotten to buy flour when I was at the market, so I told him we could grind up some crackers instead! Who would’ve thunk that the Triscuits would work so well? Not I…)

Not much of anything funny is happening right now, really. I’m having a hard time with the switches between depression and stress, and hate being around people other than my fiancé, or talking to anyone other than the Twin. I stopped answering my home phone a long time ago (only poll-takers and sheriff fund-raisers call me any more…), and when my cell phone rings from a caller that isn’t the Twin or the fiancé, I pretty much ignore it. I feel down and unhappy, and not in the mood to deal with anything else. This job issue may not seem huge to anyone outside of my head, but to me, it IS huge. After next week, I am without a job. I have about $1,200 in savings, and that will barely cover the mortgage and a couple of bills for one month. I’ve only received the bill for the emergency room visit from a week and a half ago so far, but its $198, so I can imagine how much the x-rays, ice-pack, and ankle brace will wind up costing me. Actually, I try not to imagine it. It makes my stomach hurt. Now my car needs fixing, and while I have plenty of room on my credit card to take care of the expense, I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to use that thing again this year. But I have no choice. The car needs attention, and I can’t ignore it any more or I might wind up with a much more costly issue on my hands to deal with.

I go back and forth from wondering whether or not these issues would be harder or easier to deal with if I didn’t have the fiancé in my life. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like I’m one of two captains of a ship, and my side is sinking fast while the other captain is having to over-compensate on his side to try to keep the whole boat from going down. If I were the only captain, would I be more depressed? Likely. But would I feel more in control? I don’t know. I understand that he and I will be linked to each other until death do us part in less than a year, and we’re going to have to start dealing with issues like these as a "team" from now on, but I guess I just feel really, really shitty for being so weak. I hate that I'm causing him to have to over-compensate for us.

There isn’t really anything funny happening in the news right now, either! So sick of politics, I could throw up, I’ve been reading things I wouldn’t usually read, such as the aftermath of Britney filing for divorce from Kevin. I mean, who the fuck cares, right? But the fact that he’s requesting full custody is kinda funny. He’s such an idiot. Apparently, the community assets between the two are "uncertain" which I guess suggests that there might have been a prenup in place. Which makes Federline even MORE of an idiot! I actually am looking forward to how it all turns out.

God, that’s sad…


Coley said...

Ok, I hate advice via blog comment, but I really relate to the boat/captain metaphor. Here's the thing, do what you can to let go of the guilt over your man having to overcompensate right now. It all balances out. There are also times when you've been the one overcompensating. It'll all keep going.
The hardest part for me was learning to ask for help, and accept help when offered. It's still hard. said...

i second that...the weight in a relationship will shift and shift and's the learning how to accept less weight when you need to - and take on more when you need to...that is the difficult part.

Heather said...

I third that...relationships are not always 50/50. Sometimes, they are 70/30, or 80/20. It always changes. Be grateful you have such a great guy as some of us haven't been that lucky.

As for Fed-Ex...I too find it hard to swallow that he actually wants full custoday. If that was the case, why hasn't he filed for sole custody of his other kids? No, he knows his sponging-off days are over, and now he's looking for his next meal ticket. It's a shame he thinks his kids are it.

I don't care much for Britney, but I really hope she sticks it to him.

Xavier Onassis said...

I have it on good authority that they have a very strong pre-nup. He will get millions, but no where near half.

Based on his concert and CD sales thus far, he would be well advised to invest the money shrewdly with an eye towards long-term viability.

Faith said...

XO, you just made me giggle out loud. The idea of Federline actually sitting and listening to someone say something like that to him makes me think that he'd probably have someone sitting there saying, "Kev-bo, here's the deal: Based on your concert and cd sa-"

And that's when Federline would interrupt whomever gives him advice that actually makes sense by saying, "Yo, yo, wanna buy my cd? Why don't you buy one of my cd's? HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! I LOVE NEW YORK, BABY! This city ROCKS, yo! Go buy my cd!"

And the financial planner would try to continue, "No, Kevin, you need to listen to me. NO ONE is buying your c-"

"Because I'm K-Fed, and I'm rockin' out this tay-buhl. Yo yo I'm K-Fed, and there ain't no other ay-buhl..."

And the financial planner would finally give up, throwing his hands in the air, and Federline would mistake it for enthusiasm for his *amazing* rapping ability and keep following the planner out of the room, rapping about his greatness and his coolness.

I sure hope someone is secretly filming everything that Federline is doing now that Spears has asked for a divorce. I heard he actually got the news of the divorce via a text message (classy) while he was on some movie set (!!!???), and had to leave for about 30 minutes to compose himself, or some shit. Damn, I wish I knew what he did for those 30 minutes!