Friday, February 29, 2008

Something to celebrate

By the way, I forgot to update on this, so I figured I'd make mention since I'm bored and looking for something to do. Might as well post!

The puppy has been moved into the kitchen for sleeping and "storage" during the day. This, believe it or not, has completely managed to settle him down when it comes to sleeping at night. Not sure what his deal is...maybe it's because he's in the kitchen so often and he's more comfy with it...maybe it's because it's cooler in there than it is in the other room we had been keeping his crate in - I don't know.

I don't care, either. Know why?

Yes! It's because he's sleeping through the night, and that is all that matters.

I had been worried about keeping him in there. We had gotten to the point where we let Izzy roam the kitchen while we were gone during the day, and kept her separated from the house with a babygate. Now that the puppy is in the crate in the kitchen, we didn't want to lock Izzy up in there, because we figured it would just cause him to cry and whine all day long...and even though we aren't there to hear it, Izzy is. And it clearly stresses her out to be in the same room with him while he's in that mood.

Now that she's old enough and has matured past the point of chewing on anything she can get her teeth on or peeing/pooping everywhere she can, we feel comfy letting her "loose" in the house while we're gone. She has access to the kitchen where Jake is, but we tend to find her lying on the bed sleeping whenever we get home, or looking out the front window from her favorite dented cushion on the sofa. She wasn't eating when we left her food in the kitchen for her to eat, so I decided to move it into the bedroom when I leave in the morning, and that seemed to do the trick - she eats now while we're at work. (I associate the lack of appetite to the stress she probably feels when she hears Jake whining in the crate. I'm no dog whisperer, but I know my Iz.)

The dogs are still fighting like crazy just about all the time. They fight, and then tire and lay down to relax for a bit. And then one of them gets up and wanders about and maybe finds a toy to chew on, and the other one sees it and wants (of course) the same fucking toy, so they start to fight again, and kick each other's ass and then get tired out again, and the cycle goes on and on until we all go to bed. The next morning, it starts right back up again, except it's my feet and whatever pants I happen to be wearing that get involved in the fray, and Izzy hears me correcting Jake by telling him "No!" and starts in with her attempts to be pack leader by pulling on his ear and getting him to release my clothing/sock monkey slipper/skin.

It's so fun.

I'm waiting for the day to arrive when they coexist in a mellow way. I know it's a long way off, and we probly won't even notice it when it does happen, but this whole wanting-the-same-toy bullshit? It's just already soooo passé.

#3! Such a pretty number...

The long-awaited part 3. Sorry for my laziness…(Part 1 is here , Part 2 is here .)

I buy all of my workout clothes from Target. At least, I used to buy all my workout clothes from Target. They don’t carry the same stuff I used to buy and love (a line called “ProSpirit”) anymore, and the other line of stuff that I wear (Champion) has become lower quality that is, quite frankly, uncomfy to wear because of the crappiness of the fabric they use.

Also? Finding pants in my size has become virtually impossible. I wear an XL in regular length. Apparently they’ve climbed on the bandwagon of carrying Long and Petite lengths as well, and so when I go looking for black pants in a spandex/cotton mix that are XL but regular, I come up dry every freaking time. (I only wear black pants. I sweat profusely in the region of the crotch when I work out, and I try to call as little attention to that as possible, mkay?) Except once, which I’m regretting because that’s how I found out about the decreasing quality of the materials they use.

Also? The last two times I’ve searched at the Targets that I shop at (one by my house, the other by my office), they haven’t had ANY shirts in stock. None. They have tanks tops. And sweatshirts…(i.e. zip-up hoodies and stuff.) I did pick up a cute faux-wrap top that’s meant for wearing in yoga class or something. I dunno…I wear it around the house with my comfy pants, actually. It’s really soft. But it’s not something I’d workout in. So, yeah…no shirts. Awesome. (Yes, I can buy them online, but after the experience I’ve had with the pants, I’m hesitant to buy them without being able to see and feel them in person.)

The MEN’S section, however, is overflowing with workout clothing options. At the local SuperTarget, in fact, the size of the men’s workout clothing section is more than TWICE the size of the section for women’s clothing. Which is seriously fucked up, IMO.

I looked online, and the only ProSpirit items they now carry are things like watches and exercise equipment. So apparently they stopped carrying their (oh so wonderful and very loved!) clothing. Oh wait…in a quick search online, I did find that they DO have ProSpirit clothing still! Too bad it’s not exactly in my size

What the fuck, Target? What? The? Fuck?

So I’ve given up on them. I’ve been receiving a catalog in the mail from a company called “Athletica” and decided to give them a look-up online. I never had a reason to buy their clothing before, and honestly thought it was all a bit pricey. But if I need better quality, then I suppose I’m gonna have to pay for it, it seems.

Well, imagine my surprise when I found that the largest size they carry for women is Large. Which, in pants, fits a 29” – 31” waist and 36” – 38” hip.

Well, my waist happens to be 42” right about now.

I was disappointed. And I decided to drop them a note asking them to remove me from their mailing list since their fucking clothing won’t even fit my (average-sized) ass. Here’s what I wrote:

“I'm a plus-sized woman that needs good work out clothing. I've been receiving your catalogs for the past few months now, and didn't really have a need to look into the clothing you offer until now. (I've been buying ProSpirit line of clothing from Target, but they seem to no longer carry it.) However, my waist is 42 inches, and my hips are 47 inches around. I won't fit into even the largest size you offer in athletic pants for women. Subsequently, please stop sending me your catalogs, or get with the times and offer a line for plus sized (yet still active!) women. Thanks!”

Cory from Athletica’s response: "Happy to take you off the list, do you have a company?
Not sure how you keep getting the catalog?
Can you tell me who it is addressed to" [nice punctuation there, Cory...]

My response BACK to Cory: "Do I have a company? I WORK for a company...not sure if that has any association whatsoever with me receiving the catalog, though. ;)

My maiden name is [Faith Smith]. My married name is [Faith Smith]. I can't remember what name it gets sent to...I had to include my address on the contact form, so I suppose I had hoped THAT would be enough to remove me from the list. [(Included address here for their convenience, but removing it from this post for obvious reasons.)]

I also had hoped that the irony of a fat girl needing work out clothes wouldn't be completely ignored, either, but I suppose every company that is in business is allowed to discriminate according to the beat of their own drum, right? Sorry for the bitterness...I'm just tired of having to work out in sub-standard clothing, and was hoping you guys carried my size. When I saw that you didn't even come close, it was very disappointing.

Thanks for the help!"

I’m tired of it. Tired of the association fat people have with laziness. Tired of being looked at as being substandard and not worth good quality clothing. Tired of being looked at as though we aren’t important enough to warrant positive attention or help when it comes to retail fashion.

And I’m not even a really big girl, you know? I’m big, but I’m not outta control.

After writing the first two parts of my series, my need to get my point across lost some of its steam, I’ll admit. In a lot of cases, just putting it out there helps me, which is one of the many points to this bloggy thing. So thanks for listening. And not judging. And if you know of any quality workout clothing that fits a fat ass like mine that you can point me in the direction of? I’ll thank ya kindly by not sitting on you the next time I see ya. ;)

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Going downhill fast...

I'm not my perky self today. (Shut up...well, everyone!) I'm glad I got to hang out with everyone at the meet up last night, because it appears as thought my body is giving up on me today, and I might not last much longer.

Ok, it's not as morbid as I'm sure I'm making it sound. But it is developing really quickly as the day wears on. I'm cold (where the fuck is that breeze coming from???), my nose is simultaneously stuffy and runny at the same fucking time, I'm on drugs for the sinus pain, and the latest development is a dry cough. (At least it's dry for now. Does this thing develop into a phlegmy issue later on?)

I cancelled my trainer appointment this morning after I got home last night, pushing it out in favor of sleep due to my worry about the ugly nasty coming to get me. We're supposed to meet tomorrow instead. That might be an even worse idea than today would have been, it seems!

It was great to see everyone one last time, though. If I die, at least Sponge will have those lovely (I'm sure) pictures she took of me doing my best Fiona Apple impression to remember me by. And I sure am glad I had a chance to see her perform in her sassy, sassy way, hear Dan sing a couple of very sweet old tunes in a very heartfelt way, and see the great and awesome Average (ha! Hardly!) Jane at the mic belting out tunes I may not be familiar with, but that rocked all the same.

And that's how off I am. Wasn't even done with the post yet, and I published it, for some inane reason. Anywho...

I'm sick. I wanna go home and go to sleep. I might just in another hour or so. Wish me luck...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Now I have a headache...

I am currently attempting to book space at a campground facility for Leo and I for the weekend of his brother's graduation from college. There are two campgrounds, and one of them is completely booked. The other one has yet to reply**. (Looking at cabins that have beds and bathrooms in them to "rent" for the 2 days we need them...on a lake that's not far from the college, and the campgrounds look pretty sweet, actually. IF they have availability, that is...)

This sucks. I feel like it's very, very important to go to the graduation, and I really want to! At this point, his parents have secured a place to stay through a friend...and it sounds like a good deal for them. A 2 bedroom house that's possibly even walking distance to the school. Awesome! But I got the idea she thought we could stay there, too. And I'm pretty sure that a 2 bedroom house only has one bathroom. For 5 adults to share all weekend? Gah. No thanks. Leo called and talked to her, and she apparently understood. (Although I don't know how much he keeps from me on things like that. So he could just be ommitting certain sensitive info. Which is fine, but just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. For some reason...)

I'm going to continue looking for a hotel as close as possible. I'm looking forward to seeing my in-laws, and spending the weekend at the graduation festivities. But this part? Trying to find a hotel to stay in, and all? I do NOT like this.

**UPDATE!: The other campground accepted my reservation! Yay! We have a log cabin with a bathroom (some of them were without, so this is a good thing) to stay in for the weekend of the graduation, and it's only 5 miles from the school! WOO! Day is looking up...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Meet up vs. Final KU Game* of the regular season?

There's a meet-up planned for tomorrow night:

Paddy O'Quigley's
100 E 20th Street (just east of Hereford House)
Kansas City, MO
Wednesday, February 27th
4:00 - ??? (Karaoke starts at 9pm)
(There will also be Kansas City trivia - and kick ass prizes!!)

But there's also a KU (vs. Iowa State) game that starts at 6 p.m.

I've been saying that Leo and I will be there fo sho at the meet up, but I'm not sure where Paddy's downtown stands when it comes to college ball-watching action. Does it get crowded? 'Cuz I'm not driving my ass all the way down there just to find out I don't have a place to sit for 2 hours.

Anyone hip to the kind of crowd that happens there? This is KU's final game of the season, and they're following a loss (that really, really hurt to watch) that happened on Saturday against Oklahoma State, so I'm worried about hitting the bars on Wednesday night downtown. If you don't see us there, that'll be the reason why.

*Ok, I was looking at February's schedule on Yahoo's Sports page. When I looked at KU's schedule on their website, I see that they actually have 3 more games after the one on Wednesday, they're just in a different month. (i.e. March.) That threw my feable mind off. I'm tired. I'm waiting for it to catch up. (Does making this update a different color help Anonymous 'tards that want to correct me after I've already corrected myself? Or should I bold it, too?)

Monday, February 25, 2008

Not well, thanks. How're you?

Today is not such a great day so far. That cute little fuzzball in the video below this post? The one that looks as unassuming and happy-go-lucky as can be? Yeah, I'd like to kick his fluffy little ass today, thanks!

Not much sleep over the weekend + cleaning up puddle after puddle after puddle (after just insisting that we go outside to do our business, of course) + no sleep LAST night either = super- DUPER crankypants Faith. I cannot put enough emphasis on the super-duper part. (Is that a hyphenated word? Ah, who the fuck cares.)

We can't seem to find an appropriate solution for dealing with the barky madness in the home yet. And he isn't letting up at. all. at this point in his life with us. It's only been two weeks...I know we just need to be patient. But it's really, really hard to be patient when one is working on a consistent diet of 4 hours of sleep and lack of being able to work out thanks to the exhaustion. I NEEED that release for my aggression!

I woke Leo up a bit early this morning and asked him to please come out and take care of the little guy before I did something rash. I needed to get ready for work, and I didn't need him making that little puppy-dog sad face at me as I attempted to ignore him while I did it. I also didn't need to clean up his piss - TWICE - or the poop that he decided to release inside the house instead of out on the deck where he seems to know he needs to go, but then he just...doesn't. Only now and then. It's really confusing to a human mind and, again, with the tiredness I'm dealing with, I don't need confusing. Not in the teeniest little way.

We did meet with the architect who'll be drawing up the plans for our bathroom addition yesterday afternoon, which was great. Unfortunately, I had to squeeze in my grocery shopping earlier in the day due to the timing of his visit, and it was a bad, bad time to be out at the Walmart Grocery and Whole Foods across the street from it. Whatever possessed Whole Foods to think that it would be a good idea to set up end-cap tables where they were offering samples of all sorts of shit in their most narrow parts of the store, thus causing the already congested areas to be even MORE impossible to pass through, was beyond me. I wanted OUT of there almost as soon as I arrived! However, all the confusion of the many more tons of people than I had expected to be there only made my shopping tougher on me. I needed a kaffir lime leaf (actually, 4 of them) for a recipe I want to make this week (Tom Yum soup), and I wasn't sure if I was just missing where they might be, or what. I finally asked a chick in the produce section, and she told me if they had them they'd be in the fresh herb section. So no, they didn't have them, I told her. I already checked there. I finally checked out and got my ass home, where the architect had arrived early. Thank goodness Leo got out of work a bit early and they were already discussing the change to the house when I met them in the kitchen.

So we're on our way with that. Hopefully, the extra space will help me feel less crowded in the house. I seriously don't know how a family of seven survived in that house before I bought it. How did they not hurt each other?

Work is mellow today...I should be able to run errands I need to run, write the next installment to my story about being a fat girl, and perhaps get some sleep under my desk if people will just leave me alone today. Being at work is nice, though. So quiet. So, sooo quiet...

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Jake and Izzy

Hesitant to put this video up, since I sound a mite Fozzyish in it, but it's the easiest way to show the new puppy off. By the way, uploading videos to YouTube? Pain in my ASS.


Friday, February 22, 2008

Not yet...sorry.

Haven't written my third installment today yet. Sorry. Focussing on getting some very late (in an embarrasingly bad kind of lateness way) Thank You notes out to people who came to/gave us presents for the wedding. I'll try to get it written later. I only have around 10 of the Thank You notes here at work with me, anyway, so I should be done with them sometime around next month.

Right now I'm really more concerned about the fact that I've already seemingly given up on going home at lunch to check on the puppy. Couldn't get away from work to do it on Wednesday. Yesterday, well...just sucked royal donkey balls weather-wise, so I wasn't driving in that any more than I had to, and I figured the puppy would definitely agree with me on that front, so yeah. And Here we are! At today! A good 2 hours past the point where I should have left to go see the puppy. So I figure it probly isn't gonna happen.

I'm a bad puppy mommy, I know.

But he has been ultra-fab about his crate lately. Getting more and more used to it.

What he has NOT been ultra-fab about is biting at my pants and/or slippers as I stand and do my makeup, walk through the living room, do the dishes, try to sit on the couch and relax, etc, etc...

Not fun.

I got some video of him and Iz playing last night. I'll try to get that posted soon, too.

Last night I also got pissed at Leo for ignoring a phone call that came in while he was napping after dinner and I was watching ANTM (TiVo'd, of course, because we can't all be like this guy when it comes to our fave t.v. shows), because it was from an 800-number. In my experience, 800-numbers match up with collection agencies, particularly when they (a) have already called once that same day within the last 4 hours, and (b) when they don't leave messages. Oh, and when they have no qualms about calling you at 8:15 p.m. at night. So I asked him what was up with that? He said he didn't know. I said, "Wouldn't it be helpful if you actually answered the phone to see what was up? Maybe that would help you figure out why they're calling you." He said he didn't want to answer. Or something like that. I got real quiet. I asked if they had called him before. He said no. I asked him if I could see his phone history. He thought about it for a moment. And then he pulled out the phone and opened it. It automatically shows his call history when he flips it open, and I could see that his last two calls were from this 800-number, and then before that, he'd had several calls from a "000-000-0000" number, which is usually what happens when a bank calls you. (Like when someone from Countrywide calls me, that's what shows up on my phone.) I stayed quiet a bit more, and then I blew up about how I thought he actually wanted to get his credit into a good place, and that's pretty fucking hard to do when you're ignoring calls from creditors!

Not that we even know that's who's calling mind you. Since he won't answer the phone or try calling the number back or whatever.

I then got ready for bed, and retreated to our bedroom at about 8:30. I clearly needed some "me" time. I was able to sleep after some reading, but didn't sleep well. (Actually, the dog kept getting up, needing drinks of water - I so wish I was kidding - so the second time we went out to the kitchen, I couldn't fall back to sleep.) I lay there thinking about shit, and dwelling on the Thank You note issue that I have. See, I have to write them all because Leo's dyslexia causes issues with his writing, so he can't take half and do them. Which has been fine, really...I don't mind it. It's just harder to write by hand than it used to be, is all. Takes more time than I wish it did. I wanna type fast, fast, fast!

Anyway, I'm having issues today. I'm dressed like a loser. I tried not to eat too much lunch, but somehow it happened anyway and now I'm too full, I'm worried about the puppies at home, and I feel bad about Leo but I can't help but feel worried at the same time because GAH! Money! It's just not that fucking hard. You don't spend what you don't have - DONE. And is that even an issue? I don't KNOOOOWWWW!

I'd better go before I get all worked up again. Coulda typed my next installment in the amount of time it took to write this post, dammit!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The One in Which I'm Just About Ready to Give Up

Part 2 of 3...

The fact that I’m what I call a “big girl” doesn’t really get me down a good amount of the time. I am what I am, I accept it, and I move on. I work out, I try to eat healthy, and while I do have a few vices I give in to every now and then (i.e. alcohol and fried food), it’s not like I do so every day, or even more often than 2 or 3 times a week. And usually that’s just the alcohol. The fried stuff is a once per week thing at a maximum.

Not that I need to justify this to anyone. And that’s what’s eating away at me lately. Why, as a big girl, do I feel any kind of a need to explain to people how it is that I live my life? Why do I think they want, or even need, any kind of explanation for my weight and my state of being? WHY?

So after the Weddingbee escapade that happened last Wednesday, I wasn’t expecting another attack to happen too soon. (They usually occur far apart from each other, but perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something right now.) Anyway, I was on the Knot in one of my fave boards on Thursday, and it was deliciously full of the crazy that day. There is an apparent freak-of-a-Mormon (not to be confused with the cool Mormons we all know and love) running around and saying theengs like zees: “My husband was very tired last night as he had just worked a 12 hour shift while covering for a sick employee at his current location of employment. I went to sleep very early since I have to work at 8am, and he refused sex because he was so tired therefore I went to bed around eleven pm. I woke up at 3am inthe morning because I was very thirsty and I saw him using the computer and molesting himself, he wasn't clothed it was very uncomfortable. I never got anything to drink and I went back to bed. When I left for work this morning, I checked the computer and it was off but I saw a lot of many napkins around on the floor. So I cleaned them up. I am very mad at him for not having time to sex with me but being able tostay up naked on the computer. How can I tell him that I dislike his [prono] habits?” And ZEES: “My husband and I have decided to start trying for a baby and I have been documenting my changes every day along with temperatures, and I have not yet gotten pregnant yet. My husband found an unused pregnancy stick test and asked me to try and test it out again because maybe I have done it wrong. There is only one way to do it so I explained to him that I don't want to waste the test and asked him to put it back. I thought he did but instead he kept it in his pocket. I sometimes go to bed much earlier than him so last night I was woken up to find my husband with the test in hand tryig to stick it in my areas! He thought that I wasn't sticking it in far enough so he was trying to test me in my sleep, so I explained to him that you have to provide urine in order for the test to work. He was so embarrased!”

(And if you didn’t understand why I read stuff on the Knot before now, hopefully you get it at this point.)

Not that this sort of thing happens every day, mind you. But anyway, we all wound up having a good time trying to figure out if this chick was real, or if she was just incredibly creative and had the sickest sense of humor we’d ever seen. And then someone came across a ribbon wand post.

Now, ribbon wands, to me, are the epitome of cheese at a wedding. I’ve never been “blessed” with the presence of them at any wedding I’ve attended, but I started hearing about them when I was originally planning my own wedding, and people were mentioning them on the Knot all the time. It was a new thing “back then.” Basically, it’s a ribbon on a stick, and people wave them in the air in lieu of tossing rice or flower petals or blowing bubbles as the newly married couple leaves the church, or whatever. I’ve asked Leo about whether he’d be ok with waving a ribbon wand in the air if he was ever asked to do so at a wedding, and he answered with a quizzical look and a “Hell no!” which was very satisfying to me, indeed.

So one of the Knotties posted a “RIBBON WANDS!!” post after I was initially introduced to the crazy-ass Mormon freak of nature, and hilarity ensued. It went a little something like this (everything in light purple is my own narration of events as they transpired):

Original Poster: Someone wants instructions on ceremony ideas on how to make...... are you ready??..... the dreaded..... RIBBON WANDS! = : O

Response 1: oh god. please no!

Response 2: EWW!!

Response 3: Nuh-uh!! Which board is that posted on?

hehe...I have never seen ribbon wands used before. Nor do I ever want to.

Response 4: what in the heck would they be used for? Outside of a Cinderella Disney Princess Bonanza Wedding Theme, I can't see the draw for ribbon wands...

Response 5: OK, so she wants ribbon wands for her wedding. Have you nothing better to do but criticize others? If ribbon wands are going to make her dream wedding a reality, let the girl do it. Her thread title is very specific, so you didn't even have to open it, just pass right through. Amazing how many rude women are on here that think their ideas are the only ones that matter. This is a board for soon to be brides to come and get ideas for their upcoming wedding and not be criticized by someone with far too much time on their hands.

(And therein lies the fun. Response 5 came from a girl who (a) doesn’t have any bio, so we have no info about her except what we can glean from her username (i.e. she’s from New Jersey and she’s a runner) and (b) is a self-aggrandizing type who thinks its cool to have a photo of herself in a bikini in her signature at the bottom of all her posts. Yeah, can’t take the time to put together a bio, and yet finds the way to put in a picture of herself lookin’ all fly in a bikini on each and every one of her posts? Nice. Anyway, attention is diverted somewhat successfully, and this is what follows…)

Response 6: No we don't have anything better to do but thanks for asking

Response 7: I can't help that I have "far too much time" on my hands. It comes with the job. Every day is a little different...

Response 8: so its okay to criticize for criticizing? hmmm...

Response 9: and thank you for being the voice of reason, bikini-clad girl.

Response 10 (apparently somewhat familiar with “bikini-clad girl” from other posts prior to this one): I thought she was doing so well too, until that.
Maybe she woke up to her DH attempting the anal invasion this morning a la [crazy Mormon girl’s] gem of a DH.

(Oh, and for those who are wondering a “DH” is a “Dear Husband.”)

Response 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20:
- ribbon wands just make me think of that scene in Old School-Will Ferrell's floor routine.

- I just think they look really, really stupid. Seriously, every time I see a picture with them I wonder why anyone would think that looked good.

- in all seriousness, what are they used for? i don't understand what you do with them.

- The ribbon wands themselves don't look stupid, its the adults (especially the men) waving them! It's a ridiculous idea!

- They have the guests wave them as they exit the church or reception or whatever. So it's a bunch of adults waving little sticks with ribbons stuck on the end. AWESOME!

- Like at my kindergarten graduation?

- no not kindergarten graudation, more like dance recital

- sounds craptastic indeed.

- are they really that hard to make? you glue ribbon on a stick. the end.

- Whoa whoa whoa - slow down, I want to make sure I get it right. Glue... ribbon... on... stick... Did I miss anything?

- wave vigorously. repeat.

(Basically, at this point I was cracking up. These chicks make my day sometimes - sad? - and that day in particular I was having a lot of fun with it. So I follow up with a comment of my own on the post…)

Me: You guys are cracking me up today. Between bikini-clad girl coming in and trying to defend the use of ribbon wands by calling everyone making fun of them names and the cult-freakness that is happening with pregnancy-test/"masturibation" chick who's trying to help her friend with the planning of her wedding, this day is just so effing awesome....

Response 22: I agree!

(Bikini-clad girl did NOT like that I was amused by her…so she responded accordingly.)

Bikini-clad girl: Wow...if reading messages on a wedding planning board after you've been married make your day awesome, then you really need to find some hobbies. May I suggest joining a gym, unless you look considerably better than that pic on your wedding day. Though I doubt it...they usually gain, not lose, after marriage...

(GAH! Oh no she di’int! Which is what the other girls said…)

Response 24, 25, 26, 27:
- that was quite unnecessary and down right rude. all married knotties are welcome on the boards, they're actually very helpful! people like you are not needed on these boards. [faith], i think you're beautiful! ;)

- Totally unnecessary and uncalled for. [bikini-clad], I was totally loving you before this, because I have big appreciation for the effort it takes to be in shape. But this is just b!tchy. We don't go around bashing appearances here. It's just not cool and not accepted, and I doubt you'll find any love on the Knot for this kind of talk. She looked gorgeous on her wedding day and you're just being a heinous b!tch for no reason. Oh, and I'm tiny, but I used to be pretty heavy, so I totally take offense to 'fat' bashing. That post was hurtful.

- Whoa, [bikini-clad girl]...I'm saddened. I was thinking you were quite cool. Not so much anymore.

- wow

Ok, there were more responses after that. Bikini-clad tried to come in and say the whole “but you guys make fun of how other people look!” bullshit, but no one was falling for it. I didn’t see any of this until Friday morning, at which point I responded:

Me: Eh, I'm a big girl, and I know it. I work out 4 times a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays are with a trainer, and have been doing so since July of '06.

I also like food. So sue me.

I'm very strong, but I have enormous boobs and a belly. That "facade," as I like to call it, tends to make people (i.e. random strangers who like to judge and call me fat, for some reason...I think it's because it makes them feel better about their own insecurities) think I'm softer than I really am. Not much I can do about the boobs except have them reduced in 2 years, which is the plan.

Thanks for gettin' my back though, everyone! And thanks to those of you who said I looked pretty in my bio! I still think I looked like a hooker, but I'm trying to accept the fact that other people don't feel that way so I need to move on already...:)

I went on to say that I thought maybe bikini-clad girl was lashing out initially because SHE intends to have people wave ribbon wands at her wedding, and we discussed the fact about big boobs being deceiving and all.

It was nice to see what kinds of comments people had to say to back me up. But again, why did I feel it was necessary to tell this whore of a bikini-wearer what my workout routine is? Why did it even matter to me? Why didn’t I go full-force into it and explain that I don’t eat fast food, aim to eat fish for dinner at least twice a week, and try to only ingest whole grain products when possible? What kept me from launching into an exhaustive missive regarding the dieting I’ve done since I was 12 years old? And why the FUCK didn’t I tell her that when I was in my early 20’s, I looked pretty hot myself…I was a size 8 from the time I was 22 until 24, for chrissakes! I USED TO BE ABLE TO SHOP AT BENETTON AND GUESS, GODDAMMIT!

But I wouldn’t go posting pics of myself in a bikini randomly online if I still looked like that, I must say. In fact, I don’t think I have any pics of myself in any kind of bathing suit from back in those days. (I don’t know if I wish I did have them or not. The crazy keeps on comin’.)

These things remained on my mind on and off throughout the weekend, and then I saw the letter Average Jane wrote to her body the other day, and thought about what I would say to MY body, and it remains the same as what I said at the beginning of the post. I like my body. I’m fine with it. I’ve been working on coming to terms with it for years, and finally feel like I’ve reached a place that works for me.

Now if other people could just deal with it, too, it would be the kitty’s titties.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The One in Which I Am Quite Wordy

This is part one of a series, folks. I didn't realize I was feeling so goddammed wordy on this subject until it took me as long as it did to pull this post together...

It seems that lately, people have been dead-set on tearing down my spirit. Not intentionally, mind you. Just in a way that has become more and more obvious to me as a big girl living in a standard, run-of-the-mill world of her own.

I frequent a couple of wedding websites, including the one in my ‘roll called “Weddingbee,” as a way to pass the time, and also because I have an obsession with wedding dresses. I don’t care that I don’t need one anymore…I just love looking at them, seeing real girls in them when they try them on (which I get to view via pictures put up in posts), etc, etc…so I visit these other sites to get my fill of either snark (as found on The Knot) or wedding prep goodness.

Well, Weddingbee has this little thingy they do every week where they post their “Knot Bios of the Week” for all of us readers to ogle. (The “bio” on the Knot is a place for all of us “Knotties” to put up pictures of either ideas we have about how we’d like to decorate at our wedding, what dresses we want, what kinds of flowers and cakes we’re thinking of styling after, or a place for married ones like me to put up actual pics of their wedding, so as to hopefully inspire others, or give info on the vendors we used, and that sort of thing. Mine is a mess…I don’t have any pro pics to post on it yet, so its full of photos from friends, and doesn’t look as polished as some girls’ bios look. To be fair, I don’t care to be much more polished…it’s just a place to see what I wore, how I decorated, and who I worked with, IMO. I don’t take it too seriously, really.) I’ve noticed that the Bios of the Week that are picked trend toward the idea that only thin girls get married, and I’ve mentioned as much a couple of times before in the comment section on the posts. Sometimes I get people who agree with me. One time I forgot to follow back up and see what people said after I mentioned it.

This last time I mentioned it, though, went a little like this…

Me: Hmm…look at that! More thin brides being honored by The Knot. What a shocker…

Another random reader that doesn’t have the guts to post with a link to a profile: ^LOL! You people are so hysterical! If there are some “non-thin” brides on the Knot that you think are deserving of “Bio of the Week,” you should mention/nominate them, instead of complaining all the time that you’re underrepresented. In the mean time, find something that’s actually important to worry about.

Me: Yes, and that’s something I’m soooo worried about and everything!

Look, the Knot can put up whatever they want. I’m sure more than 2 bios are “nominated” (or reviewed however they actually review them) every week for the darned recognition, and I’m willing to bet that a few of those brides are *gasp!* PLUS SIZED! God forbid they actually feature one every couple of weeks or so.

I’m not denying that the bios featured are lovely, and have fab ideas in them for brides currently in the planning stages (as well as fun pics for those of us that like to look post-wedding as well)…I’m just saying it’s hard to believe that NONE of the bios submitted for consideration for bio of the week ever seem to involve anything above a size 12 bride.

I don’t even know how the process is done, I care so little about it. My own bio sucks, but it gives people an idea of what my wedding looked like in case they need guidance or ideas. I’m still waiting for pro photos to be sent so I can make it look a bit nicer than it does at this point.

But my point is that people seem biased towards the thin girls to be used as examples and to be praised for their fabulousness. Again, not saying they aren’t worthy of that praise (particularly the girls’ bios that are featured this week…VERY envious over here!), but fat girls get married too. That IS a legitimate beef that LOADS of people have, so don’t try to brush it off as something people shouldn’t worry about. It’s called discrimination…perhaps you’ve heard of it?

Another reader who agrees on wanting to know how the Knot Bio of the Week process is done: I’m still wondering how my bio got nominated/chosen etc…can someone explain the process? Thanks.

Weddingbee Owner: wow faith, pretty harsh accusations. if you’ve been reading weddingbee for some time, you’d know that we never discriminate based on weight.

the sole criteria is whether a bio is beautiful, inspirational and helpful (and we have no affiliation with theknot whatsoever).

perhaps you’d like to nominate some bios you think we should feature?

Another ‘Bee contributor: Hi Faith, If you’re not sure how the selection process is done, then please don’t make false assumptions.

The “Knottie bios of the week” featured on Weddingbee are not sponsored by The Knot. Nor are they selected based on the size of the brides.

Weddingbee Owner: [Responding to the reader that wanted to find out how the bios were chosen as well…] mrs bop scours the net for beautiful bios and selects a couple to be featured every wednesday. readers often nominate their favorite bios as well.

Me: Ok, I’m SOOO glad [the other reader] asked that question! For the record, Mrs. Bee, I was responding to the harshly-toned comment from “[bitchy commenter]” directly below my first comment and…

I thought this was a Knot thing, not a ‘Bee thing, to be very honest. I had no idea that it was a bee choosing what she thought looked fabulous (and again, not saying I disagree at all! They ARE faboolous bios, by all means…), but instead thought that it was the Knot choosing the bios and you all were just linking to them based on what you saw there.

As a reader, I’ve never felt that Weddingbee discriminates based on weight, and I thought I commented enough for you to know that I’ve been reading for quite some time now. I’d never stop and think that any of the bees (or the creators of this site) are discriminatory in any way, shape or form.

With that said, I’ve mentioned this before in comments about the Knot bios of the week that are picked, and can’t help but say that I have noticed a trend. Again, had no idea that Mrs. BOP did this on her own, and graciously volunteers her time in viewing probably many, many bios in order to show the ones that she feels have the best details included that she thinks other Bee readers might enjoy viewing. I would never nominate myself (again, my bio really stinks!), and probably wouldn’t ever think to nominate any others that I come across, simply because when I look at bios, I’m looking at the dresses girls chose! (I’m addicted to dresses…no idea why.)

It’s probably over the top as a suggestion, but perhaps a little information about how the bios are chosen should be included in each “bio of the week” post, so new bee readers (and even semi-long time readers like myself!) can be properly informed about how the process is done? I even posted a question about it over on my local board on the Knot, because I couldn’t find any “bios of the week” sections anywhere there! LOL! Now I know why!

Another reader/responder that doesn’t have any kind of link to a profile: it seems to me that Faith is trying to discriminate against “thin” girls by wanting some sort of percentage to be allotted to brides above size 12 or by requesting that all sizes be considered. bios should be picked solely on the amount of inspiration they provide since that is their purpose and no thought should be given what so ever to the size of the bride. that has no relevence and to consider it is discriminatory to all brides of all sizes.

Me: Yes, that’s what I’m doing... You’re right. Big girls are never discriminated against…I was wrong and you’re right. I hate thin girls and wish they would all move to another planet and leave us big girls here by ourselves! (Sheesh…)

I don’t see what the big (heh!) deal is here. I pointed out something I noticed…again…and I got attacked. I fought back, was corrected on my assumptions about how this process is done, clarified about what caused my confusion in the first place, and got attacked…AGAIN.

I’ll just keep saying it…big girls get married, too. And we have lovely weddings full of inspiration for other brides or party-throwers of whatever type. I’ve just never seen any of their bios featured here in the bio of the week. I honestly might have missed them when they’ve been featured…I can say that a lot has been going on over the last few months since I got married, and I don’t see the featured bios EVERY week…so that might be the problem.

Or maybe all the big girls that get married don’t have nice bios? (Like mine…again, just a thrown together bio that I made to help those that might need it. I’m still waiting for pro photos that I want to include to be sent to me by my photographer, so that might help it look less crappy.) Maybe they aren’t as prolific on the Knot as I thought they might be?

Again, apologies to the Bees, especially BOP. I know y’all work hard for all of this, and it is sincerely appreciated. The bios picked ARE lovely. That’s for sure.

After all of that, I went back and looked at all the bios that have been chosen by the ‘Bee contributor (a.k.a. “Mrs. Bird of Paradise” or “Mrs. BOP”) since December, and out of 28, there are TWO that feature a bride that is on the plusser side of thin. (One of them is from KC, even.)

I’m not saying that said Bee is in any way prejudiced toward thin brides. If people are presenting her with this material for her to review, then obviously she’s working with people who might have a tendency toward thinking thinner girls are prettier and/or more stylish than bigger girls, and they might not. But the numbers speak for themselves. I think more of an effort should be made to even things out, since they aren’t discriminatory in any way there, as Mrs. Bee asserts, and which I fully believe.

What I don’t understand is why I got attacked over my observation.

And this is just the beginning…

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Just an FYI...

My work keeps taking away blogs from me. First it was Filegirl, then Dooce, and now Well Hell just fell off my list of able-to-read-while-at-work blogs.

This makes me more and more sad, dammit.

So if people could just stop blogging about pron* and pron shops and toys that might accompany a night o' pron (or used all alone), etc, before they ALSO get removed from my able-to-read-while-at-work list I sure would appreciate it. (Eh-em...)

And let's not even discuss Google reader. Fucker doesn't work for me, ok? All I can ever see of Dooce is her comments, and I don't give a flying hoot (most of the time) what people are commenting on her posts. I wanna see the fucking posts themselves!!! Frustration? Indeed.

Not that Dooce was worthy of being blocked by my company, but whatever. Not like I can complain about it, right? (Has anyone ever tried it, though? I mean, if I went to my IT folks and made the argument that what I read during my "lunch hour" is my own goddammed business, would they accept that and unblock, or give me the password, or whatever? I've always considered giving it a try, but I don't want to just place a red flag on my computer that says, "Hey, come and check out what I do all day long!" either. So I remain a big ol' scaredy sista for good reason, I think.)

Must run to a meeting (see? Lunch is over and I'm done with my lunchy activities! I can be good! I CAN!), so I'm off.

*See comments if you don't get this reference...

Monday, February 18, 2008

Feeling it.

I think I'm coming down with something. As to yet be determined. Which is the worst kind of "something" to be coming down with, IMO. It seems to be something in my digestive system, though. Maybe some bland food for the next couple of days will help.

I tried posting earlier when I had something on my mind that I wanted to write about, but then I wasn't able to get in and write about whatever it was on my mind (of course I've forgotten by now, as I'm old and my brain is decrepit and retarded in it's old age - or perhaps I can blame all those drugs I never did when I was in college) because there was something wrong with Google and shit, and so I had to fucking clear all my goddammed cookies (HATE doing that) and my cache and restart the 'net to see if it would behave after that, and then I got distracted by hunger and I wish I hadn't because the salad I had for lunch had WAAAAYYY too much dressing on it, and now I feel grosser than I did before.

Run-on sentences are my friend when I'm feeling ucky. Just know that, ok?

OH! I know what I wanted to post about. Yeah, I cannot find a fucking hotel within an hour of Bloomington for my bro-in-law's graduation in May. Well, to be honest, there's a Super-8 in some town called Martinsville about 30 mins north o' Bloomington, but I'm gonna pass on that. I'd rather drive in from Indianapolis the day of the grad, and stay in a lovely 3 star hotel if we can't find anything decent within several miles of the place.

Can someone please explain to me why the in-laws were batshit nuts over the hotel block info for mine and Leo's wedding starting, oh, about 10 MONTHS prior to the wedding, but failed to mention the graduation festivities for their second-youngest until it was only 3 months away at which point all the hotels would be booked up? I mean, I can understand waiting till now to make reservations if their kid was graduating from a college in a town like KC, or whatever. But this is Bloomington. There are probably a good 5,000 people graduating that day (just a guess, based on their enrollment numbers), and if even HALF of them have family coming into town for the event, well, dontcha think the hotels might run outta room kinda quick? (For those not in the know, Bloomington is like Lawrence, KS. It's small. Their largest hotel has 170-some rooms in it. They have about 20 hotels/motels in the area, so let's do the math on that one, shall we?)

Anyway, I'm a teensy bit frustrated. I found a buyer for my John Edward tickets, so I don't have to worry about that any more.

Oh, dear jeezy...I just remembered something I needed to do before noon for work that I completely forgot about. Fuck.

Know what? This day sucks ass. I'm gonna leave it there.

Friday, February 15, 2008

I get into the rhythm...the click-click-clack

Every Tuesday and Thursday as I drive my ass down to the 24 Hour Fitness in Ooo-lathe at 5:15 in the freaking morning, I see several trains between the I435/I35 interchange and the Santa Fe exit, where I get off. The trains are long, usually...seeming to be 100's of cars long, I mean. On Tuesday, I saw 4 of them, on Thursday there were only 3 that I noticed.

They all are pulling cars overfilled with what looks like coal.

I don't know why, but it kind of surprises me that there is such a massive need for coal to be shipped anywhere any more that there would be so many traincars full of the stuff possibly every day of the week heading to their eventual destination.

I need to look up what coal is still used for, because it's interesting to me.

My trainer and I are also interested in the way that dustbunnies form under beds, and I actually went looking for a time-lapse video of dustbunnies forming yesterday when I got into the office. I didn't find any, but I did learn what makes a dustbunny happen. And can I just say: Ew.

Anyone else doing their homework for discussion topics at the next meet up? Because if I'm the only one, we might have quite the raging par-tay on our hands, folks...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I'm too wasted, too far back.

Wow. I am really glad I don't live in Saudi Arabia. Holy shit.

I could have fallen asleep while sitting at a signal on my way to work from the gym this morning. I almost did. And it helped me understand just a little bit more all those times when I saw someone fall asleep in a Taco Bell drive-thru line after the bars closed. Kind of.

The puppy has discontinued any shit-eating that we're aware of. Since that was a question asked in the comments on the post from yesterday morning about his penchant for crying all night long, I just thought I'd get it out of the way. He expressed an interest in it last night when I was out with him, but I was able to cut it off at the pass. It's very hard to direct his attention away from it without picking him up and moving him. And I'm afraid of causing some sort of poo-phobia, so I try to be as gentle as possible when dealing with it all.

I told my trainer that I was having a hard time getting him to go to the bathroom this morning, and finally had to just give up and put him in his crate so I could (a) go to the bathroom myself, and (b) get my ass out the house and down to the gym. And he said, "Going number 1, or number 2?" And I told him, "Number 2. He has no problem just going number 1 wherever and whenever he damn well pleases, actually. And then stepping in it as he walks away." Thank goodness we're replacing and refinishing the floors this year! Makes it much easier to not care about the accidents when they happen. Of course we're still encouraging him to recognize that he needs to go outside to do that stuff. And I can say he's been quite good at containing himself within his crate, which is AWESOME (again *knocks on wood*), so that's nice. I'm hoping he'll be better and better at it all over the course of the next couple of weeks.

By the way, I hadn't lost any weight as of Tuesday morning, at which point my trainer had wanted me to be down a half pound. But by today, I'm right on track with a loss of 3/4 of a pound, which made him happy. I'm not happy, though. I've been famished for the past few days...the level of activity we have to maintain now with the puppy in the house has been rough and tiresome. Watching Project Runway last night was almost a joke. A coworker had donuts mysteriously delivered to her desk this morning when she arrived, and I don't mind saying that I went and got one as soon as I was done with my english muffin breakfast sammich. It was chocolate, it was from LaMar's, and it was delicious.

At one point last night, feeling all sleepy and happy, Jake wandered over to where Izzy was lounging on her pillow (where she sits on the couch with's between me and Leo), and tried to snuggle up with her. First he put his nose to her nose, and she tolerated that fine. She kind of did her bite-at-his-leg thing, but it was less than half-hearted, and it was clear neither he or she wanted to play right then (it's something she does when they play), so she gave that up right away. And then she sat up a bit as he tried to lay down next to her and had this look on her face like, "Dude? WTF?" And then she hopped over to my lap (which he had vacated to try to snuggle with his new friend), and stared at him with a look on her face that said she was NOT ready for that level of the friendship yet, man! He looked back at her with a disappointed look, and collapsed on Leo, because I guess he was just content to snuggle with anything right that moment. Izzy isn't ready yet, it seems. I hope she's doing better with it in a couple of days. He really is a sweet know, when he's not trying to bite you, or attack your sock monkey slippers, or even your bare feet when you finally abandon the idea of wearing sock monkey slippers around the new puppy for now.

Again, though, I'd take little puppy bites and lack of sleep (which is getting better, thanks to the new crate we're putting him in at night) over living in Saudi Arabia any day, thanks!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

See what being nonproductive can do?

On Sunday, lolling about as I like to do on weekends, I got pulled into a marathon of mediocre proportions. It was for the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency show that’s on the Oxygen Network, and oh boy, does that show stink! But I couldn’t stop watching…plus there wasn’t really anything else to watch, so yeah. I was stuck.

That woman is a grade-A fruit and a half. She tries to look all serious and business-like as she works on her laptop and visits model shoots to check on her models and the clients simultaneously…with her bulldog in tow. (WTF?) Don’t even get me started on her theme song for the show. (“Do your thang…whatever it is thatcha do…do your own thang…”) And the opening credit sequence – it’s like she’s modeling a bunch of crap that I used to wear when I was in high school and I shopped at Fashion Tree. (No kidding…used to shop at a store called that in Mission Viejo. It was like a “Forever 21” kind of place, but in a strip mall instead of INSIDE the mall. Gag. Lots of gag.)

Also, WTF is with her “security guard”? Is he really necessary? Are his OUTFITS really necessary? (Ridiculous? Yes. Necessary? Oh, HELL no.)

(Wait a minute… just saw on the website that the show is currently in its 3rd season. When the hell did its first two seasons happen, and did the Oxygen execs WATCH them? Fuckin’ ‘ell…)

And then there’s the WAY that SHE TALKS!

“…and I brought all of my models in to the agency TO INFORM THEM

of what the next level

will beee…”

Seriously, 3rd season? I know it’s probably like the “cycles” that America’s Next Top Train Wreck runs on (new one starts on the 20th! SO excited!), but still…seems odd to me.

No real reason for this post, except to point out what a loser I am for watching the show, and to try to warn those who might come close to getting sucked in to a marathon like I did over the weekend. Try to resist! Run away, run away….

Didn't want to talk about it...

I'm a teensy bit tired. The puppy did not go as quietly into the night last night as he did on his first night at home, instead choosing to bark and whine constantly, with intermittent 5 minute breaks here and there which (1a) allowed me to fall asleep and (1b) must have been to just give his vocal chords a rest so he could then (2a) wake me back up with a START when he started barking again in order to (2b) give those vocal chords some apparent well-needed vocalizing.

Holy Christ.

No kidding...I was praying to everything to try to calm him down. I asked mom to stop by and help out, and then I jumped right to God to see if he could dispatch some calming spirit in his general direction, and then I went back to mom again. And then I got up and took him outside. (Mom and God were apparently too busy to help us out with our pitifully moaning puppy, so I gave up on them, dammit.) That was at about 12:30. (We had gone to "sleep" at 10:30, so it had been 2 hours at that point, and I figured that if he hadn't worked himself into a state of upset belly, then I'd be surprised. I was right, for the record...)

At 2:30, I asked Leo if he thought we could move him into the room next to ours. I needed walls between us and the whining in order for the earplugs (oh, hell yeah! I was wearing them...not that they did anything against the Whine from Satan) to do any good at all, but even that didn't help much. I got up a half hour later and moved him into Izzy's bigger crate in the kitchen. He whined a bit more (that I could hear, anyway), but it was apparent to both Leo and I that he definitely quieted down for a good hour long stretch at some point. We just aren't sure when it was. My guess would be between 3:30 and 4:30. Then he was back to the 15 minute whine/5 minutes of quiet schedule again until 5:30, which is when I got up for good. Leo needed to get up at 5:45 anyway, so it worked out fine.

I'm thinking we'll get him a bigger crate today for him, and see if that helps settle him down at all. The smaller crate was a stupid mistake on my part. Besides, his housetraining is going relatively well thus far. (*Knocks on wood.*) Dude just needs to figure out how to get down the stairs on the deck, and it'll be much smoother sailing.

I have another post I intended to post today, trying to make sure this didn't become the official Puppy Updating Blog, but I'll post that later. Because sometimes, a girl just needs to get this shit off her chest, yo.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Yeah, forgot about that issue.

Puppies have very, very sharp teeth. Forgot about that until last night.

Jake is a furball of energy, and just when he seems to wind down, that's when Izzy sees her opportunity to get 'im! Last night poor Iz finally had this look on her face that was like, "What the HELL did I do to you guys, huh? WTF is this all about, and how can I make up for it because, seriously? Seriously?" I think it won't take long for them to get along a bit better, but right now there's a lot of dominance-establishing going on. Izzy finally seemed to get her bearings as Leo and I ate dinner last night, and started showing Jake who the boss was. He was running away from her, and that's when I tried to snap a few pictures. Dude moves around a lot, though, so I asked Leo to hold him still for this one...

This is what happened when I tried to take a picture without him being held still...
Cute nose! Yeah, just before he bit me! Bastard.

At one point, we thought that he and Izzy were going to take a time out and relax with us on the couch. By then, we were trying to watch No Reservations, and wound up having a hard go of it. They didn't want to relax after all.

Here's Jake cornered in a spot on the couch by Izzy...

While I ate dinner, Jake took a rest for the first time since I got home. He really conked out, but he happened to do so directly below my "spot" on the couch, so I was trying to get pictures of him from above in my perch. Didn't work out that great, but here's a picture of the puddle o' puppy as he slept.
Remember that Friends episode when Phoebe was babysitting the triplets by herself, and Monica and Chandler returned home from the ER (Chandler got a plastic atomic ray blaster gun stuck in his throat...if you don't know, don't ask) and found the apartment turned inside out? And Phoebe looked at them and said, "The babies are asleep!" with this smile on her face, and a heavy relief in her voice? Yeah, that's how I felt right about then when Jake was sleeping.

And then when we went to bed last night, he went without kicking and yelping, which was nice...and interesting. I woke up a good amount throughout the night, expecting to have to take him out, but he didn't make a peep until my alarm went off this morning at 4:40. It was very strange. I took him out then and let Leo and Iz go back to bed. He ate, and we went outside again, and then he wanted more food but we have to control his bottomless pit somehow, so I popped him back in his crate and warned Leo that he might cry a lot. I felt kind of bad because just as he settled down was when I went in to say goodbye. Leo seemed less than pleased about that, but he seemed to settle down quickly again after I made my way to the garage door.

(Twin, you might want to skip this next paragraph...)

When I took him out this morning, I discovered that he eats his own poo. (Makes that picture up at the top just that much less cute, doesn't it?) Which is such a lovely development, and something I'm so glad we get to deal with. I tried looking up the cause and solution for it when I got in, but I was also trying to eat my breakfast at the same time, so I had to give it up when the page I was reading started talking about how to control your poo-eating dog when it comes across a "luscious pile" when you're out on a walk with them. GAH! GahgahgahgahGAAAAHHH! He was so good in his crate last night and didn't have any accidents, but now that I know what he does sometimes, I wonder if I was wrong about that. He seems really receptive to the praise for going outside. And it's getting easier to see when he's about to drop something in the house, so that's helpful. But, good God. Dogs are gross sometimes.

(Ok Twin, you can read starting here again...)

Jake likes to chew on everything. I'd forgotten about that issue, since Izzy is so past that point, really. I mean, Iz will bite down now and then, but these days there's much less force behind it, and she's just doing it to be all, "Oh, I've got you now, mom!" about it, you know? She's playing. This puppy...dude doesn't know how to play yet. And OW! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow muthafucka OW. He's also very smart, and knows where the food is at. He'll get under the chair its setting on in the kitchen and paw at the wall and whine when he's hungry - which, again, is all the fucking time, apparently. I also forgot about the fact that puppies can fit under the furniture as well as they can. And I didn't dust before he came home yesterday. Oops!

But it won't be long before we have a good routine going, it seems. The fact that he was able to go 6 hours last night without needing to come out to pee (he at least didn't do that, I'm sure) was a good sign. Remembering to take his water away an hour before bedtime, and an hour before we leave in the morning on the days we both go to work will be key to helping there. I'm glad Leo remembered that tip last night. His crate we bought him might be a teensy bit small for him, but that's the way I want it right now. He can stand up in it, which is the important thing. He can also stretch his whole body out (he likes to lay down with his legs kicked out behind him) in there, so we have a couple of weeks before he'll outgrow it, at least.

Ok, that's it about the puppy for now! I really hope Izzy gets used to him, and that once he's a bit bigger she sees him as more of a friend than she clearly does right now. Chick is NOT digging on the new dude. I mean, she seems to enjoy running around for a while, but then he faces her down when she's just trying to kick it, and she's all, "Oh no you di'int!" and gets up to kick his ass and show him what's what, and to be honest, she just looks tired. The constant challenging that was going on between them last night was making Leo and I tired, and we were just watching. I can only imagine how it feels to actually be involved in it.

Any puppy tips are welcome. We're working with infor from our Dog Bible, as well as looking into training here pretty soon, but if you have any thoughts, share them. Please.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Suck your what?

Am I the only one that gets bothered by the verification question on certain websites that asks what year I graduated high school? My work computer doesn't allow the cookie to be maintained for my specific savings account website, so I have to answer the random security questions every time I visit the site from work. First of all, I'm at an age where it's not only close to unbelievable that its been so long since I graduated high school, it's kind of shocking to just think back on it. Second of all, what the fuck kind of security question is that anyway? I mean, all of you know how old I am...all you have to do is do the fucking math, and you have that answer all worked out, dontcha? Stupid savings account website...

Leo and I bought a new puppy today. We went into the pet store (yes, we bought the puppy from an eeevvviiilll pet store...don't give me grief about it, or I'll delete your comment) intending to buy an adorable mini schnauzer that we met yesterday when we visited. We wanted to think it over, though, and look into mini schnauzers in our Dog Bible first, and all that good stuff. Well, we were looking pretty forward to getting her today (she was all black, and we were going to name her "Ella" after Ella Fitzgerald, because how cute is THAT?), but as soon as we walked in, I could see that they didn't have the sign up on her cage anymore, and as we got closer, I could see she was gone.

There were some other really cute puppies that I'd noticed there as well, but didn't want to be all, "Ok, we're done feeling this one up. Let's see one of those..." when we were in there yesterday, so I just looked them up online this morning to see what their breed tends to be like...temperament and size-wise and everything. It seemed like a good option, in case something like what happened occurred. (i.e. that the dog we were initially interested in was gone, for those of you who are unable to follow my special brand of the English language I use...)

So we visited with a male Shih-poo (a.k.a. shisa poo; a.k.a. shih tzu-poo) puppy, and we really liked him. His sister looked pretty sad after a while when he wasn't back in the cage with him, but she was adorable so I'm sure she'll be picked up in no time. In reading the Dog Bible last night about bringing a new puppy into a home with an already existing dog, it suggested that opposite sex additions are really good ideas when looking to get old dog and new dog to get along. Historically, that's what's worked best for the 2-dog families I know. The only one that I currently know that is a same-sex pair is an old pair of golden retrievers. And as we all know, those dogs will get along with anything...

So tomorrow, you'll be bombarded with photos of our newest addition. We're going to be working hard to train him over the next few weeks, so you KNOW there'll be stories to tell. As it is, Leo told me that as soon as I left after we'd picked him up (I needed to get back to work), he took a dump in the living room. Awesome. And so it begins...

With Izzy, we didn't have such a hard time training her, since the Twin had given her some really good training to begin with, and we weren't able to get her until she was about 4 months old. This puppy is only 2 months old. So we're startin' from scratch, baby! We'll crate train him for his own safety, and eventually he'll be able to hang out in the kitchen when we're at work like Izzy does now that she's a grown up (she turned 2 last week!). I can't wait for the ear plugged nights, and the scrubbing of pee from all the carpets in the house. Woo! (He already tried to snake two of Izzy's chew bones, and did a little dance in her water bowl as they ran around with each other after initially meeting...which I got on video. This might be the thing that forces us to figure out how to upload our videos from the video recorder I got for Christmas, btw.)

He's an adorable little fuzz ball, though, so I need to try to restrain myself from going all Lennie on his ass, just like I had to do with Izzy when she was a baby puppy dog. (I still do it sometimes, though. But now that she's bigger and has thicker skin and bones, it's tougher to "pop" her, I'd think.) Here's a page that shows what some Shih-poo puppies look like...Jake (that's what Leo named him) is a bit bigger, and has longer and curlier hair. But the face is pretty well the same. Like I said...look forward to photos of him tomorrow.

Ok, I'm off to get some flipping work done now! Monday is flying by....

Not much.

I noticed over the weekend (on Saturday, specifically) that it doesn't take much to push me into a foul mood in a very quick amount of time. Country music, a big monetary gaff, and annoying people were what did it that day, but I'm going to start keeping better track of it from now on so I can see what else does it. Not sure if that will help anything, but I might as well try.

Leo surprised me with a gift of dance lessons for my birthday...which I have to be honest, I found a bit odd. I like dancing, but didn't think he did in the slightest. So we have 3 lessons at which we can learn whatever style I want (its a toss-up between salsa and swing, really), and then he said we can join the group lessons to try to get better at it over time.

I really am confused by it, but that's because I thought he hated it so much when we needed to go for lessons for the wedding. It's also tough to drag my ass back out of the house for dance lessons once I've gotten home at night after work...and then there's the issue of us not practicing. Very confusing.

I mentioned to him last week that it might be nice to take some time to go visit dad in the spring if he's still in Northern's so pretty where they'll be living, so it'd make for a nice long weekend I'd think. That's when he mentioned his brother's graduation. Sure! I said. Find out when it is...we have to go! It's in May sometime, was all he knew. Eesh...that's when we have tix for John Edward, so find out which weekend in May, ok?

Sure enough, it's the same fucking day. AAARRRGGGHHHH!! Why do things have to happen like this, huh? We really are excited to go to his brother's graduation. I have some latant issues that are revealing themselves to me now that I've let the news of the graduation visit sink in, but I'm trying to deal with them as best I can. (I wanted to go to the same college that he's graduating from, but they didn't accept me when I applied all those years ago. Turns out, I'm having a hard time dealing with the thought of going there to celebrate a graduation that I never had the chance to experience myself. God, their rejection of me was so much more damaging than I ever realized...) But the John Edward tickets are expensive, and I was sooo looking forward to Leo having a chance to see him in person. I've been to see him twice, so waiting a bit longer to go again isn't that big a deal to me. I mean, it's disappointing, but he comes around every year...Leo's brother will only graduate this one time, you know? So, yeah. Obviously that is a HUGE priority.

But now I just need to find someone to buy my tickets. Anyone want them? They're $175 a piece, which is the face value I paid for them. It's on Saturday, May 3rd from 2 - 4 p.m. I'm putting them up on Craig's List in a little bit, but bloggers get first priority, if they're interested in them of course. (I personally think XO should buy them. I'd LOVE to hear his review of the session after attending it. Think it'd be utterly fascinating...)

If I can't sell them, then I'm going to have to miss the graduation. Leo will go for sure, though, and I'm sure he'll have a great time. I can't waste $350, though. I just can't.

Huh. Funny how my neck suddenly hurts again. It was ok for the past 2 weeks, dammit. *sigh!*

Friday, February 08, 2008

Shut UP, mom...

It's my birthday today, which by default means it's also the Twin's birthday today. We're 34 today. Which is officially the age when I get to start punching people in the face that lament turning 25, 26, or whatever, because they think they're getting old. If you're not from Ork, then that's just how it works, genius. Get over it. (Or I'll punch you in the face. Don't say I didn't warn ya!)

The other night, the house phone rang. I got up to answer it even though it's not a common practice for me to answer the landline at home anymore due to all the phone calls just being solicitors or people with a "survey" for me. But as dad was in the hospital and all, and I don't know what numbers he has for me in his cell phone, I answered it just in case it was him. It wasn't him...

"Hello, may I speak to the head of the household?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "You must have the wrong number!" And I hung up.

I told Leo what the person said, and his response was, "They were offering head to the household, and you hung up?"

*sigh!* Living with a boy is fun.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Irrelevant...random...what have you...

When I went to visit dad on Sunday afternoon, I caught him as he was finishing lunch. He told me and my aunt that he had discovered that his day nurse Greg had the same birthday as him. He said, "I've only ever known one other person who had the same birthday as me, so I think it's pretty neat." (Dad's on drugs and in a euphoric was so weird to chat with him when his brain wasn't focussed on work-related junk or family-related b.s. He was able to let his mind wander to random, irrelevant things with wild abandon, and I thought it was the cutest thing EVER!)

Apparently, the man that he started his first business with was that other person that had the same b-day. I never knew that.

Anyway, my aunt asked him at that point if that business still existed, to which we both replied (because sometimes I butt in when I feel the need, being a know-it-all like I am), "Yeah."

Then dad told us about how the company is being sued right now, in fact (again, the drugs made him jump from thing to thing randomly...), and he thought it was a pretty interesting situation.

"What are you being sued for?" I asked.

"Well, the guy apparently worked for me years ago on a project that had asbestos involved. It didn't hurt him. But his wife died...from doing his laundry," he told us.

Jeezy chreezy...first of all, how the hell did the guy survive when his wife got sick? If his clothes were THAT covered in asbestos, wouldn't they both have had issues? Maybe she was weak, or something? I dunno. Seems like a fucked up deal all around to me.

I can relate to the asbestos thing, though. Dad and his brother had such an accelerated progression with the Pulmonary Fibrosis themselves due to their activity in the construction world when they were younger. Their exposure to asbestos being a main culprit, besides the genetic issue of course.

Anyway, we further discussed the fact that he's trying to get info on the workman's comp and his insurance from back then so they can work out a deal with the guy (he's suing for a lo-hot of cash...), but it was so long ago, no one has the records for it! I don't think dad even remembers who his insurance company was back then (I'm guessing we're dealing with something from the late 70's, but I can't be sure), and he said he can't remember who his agent was at all. He has some ideas about where to turn for help, and I hope it works out.

Poor guy that lost his wife, though. I think our family can definitely understand/relate. Just thought it was an interesting story. Hope I don't get in trouble for sharing it...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Hm. That sorta sucks.

This was my first year living in Kansas during a primary election.

I had noooo idea it was a caucus state! Last night, Leo mentioned something about "didn't we need to vote today?" I said I thought we were supposed to, but I must've been wrong. I told him that voting days are made even more obvious due to the signs and stuff that are up to point people to voting locations. He said he doesn't even know where ours is. I told him he wouldn't be able to miss's on his route to work.

But then I saw that Kansas had indeed "voted" yesterday, but it was done through caucus. I don't even know what a fucking causus IS. I'm from California. Where we do that voting thing? Yeah...

Oh well. My vote wouldn't have mattered anyway. Moving on accordingly...

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

I have the following EXCITING tid bits to share:

- I am le tired.

- Back to work, my brain isn't working quite as well as I'd like it to, and the two aren't meshing.

- Fug is cracking me up today! But I'm catching up on several days of it all at once, so it's probably stuff that cracked most up many days ago.

- I want tacos in the worst way ever since dad mentioned them on Saturday. So I'm making them tonight.

- And possibly drinking beer, too.

- It had better fucking snow like they said it would this time. Gaww-DAMmit.

- Already hating the remodelling project, and we haven't even picked the contractor! Maybe it'll get better after we do? I hope?

That's it for now. Catching up on all ya bitches when I have the time. I hate it when your lives pass by me without me being able to keep up!

Monday, February 04, 2008

It's a new thing...we call it a "bra."

I've seen far too many women over the past 24 hours not wearing bras, y'all. Very disturbing in some cases! Veeery disturbing. Spread the word to the older and younger females among you...bras are always required in public. Always. Jeezy fucking chreezy on a stick.

I'm having a hard time leaving the area. A big part of me has wanted to turn around and go back to the hospital every step of my journey home thus far, even as I sit here in the airport waiting for my flight at 12:20. I wanna go back, rent a car, and go to the hospital. I said goodbye to dad last night, and started to cry. I know he's in good hands...the best, some might say. He's comfy when he's in bed (they each cost the hospital something like $25,000. EACH. Fuck. me.), and has learned that when he's sitting in the chair in his space he needs more cushioning because his ass gets sore, and he had some congestion last night that started to build up and if he thought me making him laugh hurt, he just hadn't experienced the lovely feeling of coughing yet. That sucked.

Anyway, he's recovering. He's the healthiest person they've dealt with who had to have the lung transplant and the other pulmonary transplant they wound up doing (some main pulmonary artery that carries blood from the lungs was just about shredded when they opened him up. It started bleeding during the surgery which was the complication they encountered while they were performing the transplant. They then transplanted a new pulmonary artery in to replace it...apparently, those types of arteries are harvested along with other organs, but can be kept in a bank situation due to the fact that they don't have to be kept "alive" like livers, lungs, hearts, etc...have to be.), so that's encouraging. He doesn't feel any better than he did with the old lung, though, which is bothering him a tiny bit it seems, but he knows it might take some time to get used to.

So leaving is hard. Very hard.

But there are some things making it a teensy bit easier to deal with. Things liiiike...watching the freaks at the airport. Every now and then, a handsome businessman passes by me, and I'm distracted by the fantasticness of them for a moment. But then the guy who is eating a bag of chips as he walks through the airport banging out the rhythm of the song he's listening to on his iPod walks by. Or a dude who appears to be rich walks in with an unlit cigar hanging out of his mouth, a la Hannibal from the A-Team (who was played by George Peppard?! Why did I not know that now until I looked it up? Holy crap!), and sits down to have a snack with his companion who has tied her puffy jacket around her waist. Their Louis Vuitton duffels match, and are sitting on top of the table they're eating on, because they're obviously far too precious to sit on the floor! Heavens NO!

And the non-bra wearers are around, of course. *shudders!* Women who need bras, mind you. Not the teeny, tiny boobed women that wear layers and you can't see their boobs if you tried. I'm talking C cups and up here, folks.

I'm sitting across from the "Swatch" jewelry store in the concourse. I didn't even know Swatch was still around now that the 80's were over.

Oh, there's cigar hanging out of his mouth dude again! It's so weird...(I saw one on the way out of KC, too, and I'm not sure if it's the same guy, to be honest. I don't know where this trend came from, but they don't look cool, and they should've given up pacifiers back when they were 2.)

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and prayers through all this. Dad's still in ICU, but I couldn't stay any longer just because I felt a need to hang out. The expense of it, and the missing work (even though I can really work from here without issue), and the being without my Leo and Izzy was bearing on me as well.

I'm just a plane ride away, if need be. That's what matters.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Update #1

I wrote this while I was on the plane earlier on my way to Cali to see dad and be with my step mom to help her through these first days of dad's transplant. At this point, Dad is recovering, they've removed the breathing tube from his throat, he's hungry and asking for tacos and burgers...but then reminding us that he's just kidding, as he knows he's not allowed to eat food like that yet. He's high as a kite, but he's so, sooo grateful that he's here. As are we, of course.

Well, I’m on my way to Stanford by way of San Francisco to be with my step mom and see my dad now that he’s had his surgery. Apparently, the surgery started at about 9 PST on Friday night, and didn’t end until 7 a.m. Saturday morning. It’s a surgery that’s supposed to last 5 – 7 hours, so going 3 hours beyond the max it was supposed to kind of worries us. There were complications, Twin told me prior to me getting on the plane. That’s all she knew at that point…and then I needed to shut my phone off.

I’m flying over the Rockies right now, and they’re covered in varying patterns of snow. It looks very inviting and peaceful to me right about now. I can’t help but feel a little numb while going through this, after the months of waiting for it to happen…it finally is. I can’t believe my dad was lucky enough to be a recipient. I can’t believe he’s going to have this chance. I’m so grateful, I feel like my heart could burst!

But I’m trying to keep it together. I got mixed up at the airport, and parked next to the wrong tunnel to the terminal and wound up walking and walking to get to the Midwest check-in counter. Just as I arrived there, two huge groups entered the line to check baggage. I apparently stepped into line in the middle of one of them (just a group of 4, but they were older women and all giddy with the prospect of their trip, so it made it seem like there were more than that of them) because 2 of the women knew what they were doing, and the other 2 were idiots and stopped right before entering the line for some reason or another. Then they started talking across me, and the one behind me said she was just going to pass me since they were traveling together and were all on “the same sheet” and everything. I was all, Whatever, and stepped aside. Then I noticed they were talking to another one behind me, and then she passed something to one of them, and I stepped aside and said, “Oh go past me already, why don’t you?” Apparently she thought it would be less rude to just talk around me and pass boarding passes past me, etc…

I wasn’t in the mood. I almost started to cry, but I held it together. I was hot and tired and too many things were going through my head all at once – should I just leave my coat in the car, or would I need it in San Fran? Should I have parked in the long term parking by the terminal? What if I wind up being gone for longer than just 3 days? At $18 a day, the convenience of it seems to get outweighed by the ridiculous if I’m gone for a week. What was happening with dad? Was he ok? Should I get something to eat? Was I even hungry? Why didn’t I bring my umbrella? Do I really care if I get wet when moving from the hospital to my car and back again? Maybe I can get an umbrella at the airport in San Fran.

Too much…too much. And it’s probably nothing compared to what’s going through my step mom’s head with all of this. And she’s alone, and didn’t have anyone there with her while dad was in surgery except the family of the woman that was receiving the other lung that was being donated. But she was out of surgery by 3 a.m., which made her family happy, but worried my step mom even more than she had been before. No one was telling her what was happening. No one was coming out to let her know whether dad was ok, or what the hold up was, or whether he was still alive. She just had to wait.

Which is what I wound up doing at the airport. My flight was scheduled to leave at 9:40, but due to foggy conditions in San Fran (dammit San Fran! Why do you have to have such fucked up weather all the freaking time, huh?), we were delayed until 10:55. But then we boarded by 10:10 anyway, and got off the ground soon after. The headwinds are even against me, it seems. The strength of them is extending our flight by a good 15 – 20 minutes, so now we’ll land at 12:15 instead of the originally planned 11:30. Delaying me from being able to help comfort my step mom, as well as my comfort of being with someone else while we go through this incredibly sketchy experience. I had to say goodbye to Leo this morning about an hour before I needed to leave myself…he went to work to worry about what will happen and how I’m doing as he deals with the regular “fun” of a front of house staff that just doesn’t get him, and the customers that come with them.

And I’m tired. And I got to sleep! I can’t even imagine how exhausted my step mom is.

Last night as I started to try to fall asleep, I had the image of my father on the operating table pop into my mind. His chest was open and the doctors were working on him. It was creepy and it was all too real, and it made me wonder if it was the same time his surgery was getting under way. (I think I was ahead by about a half hour, but I can’t remember when I climbed into bed, so there’s no guarantee of that.) As usually happens with visions like that, I snapped my eyes open to try to make it go ‘way. It did. And before I closed them again, I spoke to my mom and asked her to be with me…and then quickly changed that to say that she needed to be with dad, so forget about me. (I always think of me first! I’m such an asshole like that…) I focused on imagining him after the surgery after that, even with the tubes and wires and everything set up around him and going into him, it was a better image than the surgery. I don’t do well with blood…or open chests.

I want to cry right now, but like the moments before when I’ve wanted to cry, there’s something in me holding it back. I need to be strong for my step mom, and for my dad, and be there to communicate with my sisters and brother that can’t be there at the same time. Dad didn’t want ANYONE going there, but that was just silly. I don’t care if he doesn’t let me see him…I’m going there to be with my step mom and give her the support she undoubtedly needs, and to do whatever she needs me to do for her while I can. I also think dad will change his mind and be fine with family being near by. I don’t understand his logic on not wanting people there, but I’d imagine it has something to do with his desire not to interrupt people’s lives, or some shit. Also, if we all were able to descend on the area as easily (well, relatively, anyway) as I can, it’d be a swamp of Smiths up in there with the kids and the brother and sisters and everything. I’m hoping that maybe…just maybe, my step mom’s sister might be able to come up and be with her. We’ll see.

Thanks for all the comments, everyone. I’ll let you know what’s up when I can. The Twin is updating regularly as well, so feel free to mosey over there (her blog is “How Do You Say…” on the roll) to catch up on shit, too.

I’m going to go try to get lost…oh, evil iPod shuffle has shuffled me to Ani’s version of Amazing Grace. My mother has the funniest ways of reaching out to me, I swear. And now I’m definitely gonna need a cry.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Oh my God...

My dad got the call from Stanford. He's on his way to get a lung transplant, everyone.

Hold your breath, cross your fingers and your toes, pray if that's you're thing...

This HAS to work. It just must.

I'm on my way to California tomorrow to meet with the Twin in LA and then drive up to Stanford with a car so my step mom and dad will have transportation once he's out of the hospital and in the recovery unit for the next 3 or 4 months. I'll be sure to update you all on the progress over the next week after he's had his surgery. I'm taking my work laptop, of course, so I can work from there.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not quite freaking out, but I'm not NOT freaking out either. Work is all askew, too, which isn't helping. *sigh!*

Just keep us in your thoughts, ok? Talk to you guys soon!

Calming the belly...

Years ago, when I first moved to Kansas City and experienced my first, real live winter experience, I kinda freaked out a bit. Mind you, it wasn't the best year to be thrown into the wonders that the midwest has to offer, as that was the year of the October ice storm, but everyone knows that being thrown into a trial-by-fire situation is the best way to learn about something, right? Right.

One morning in December, I was headed out for work and I saw something I wasn't familiar with in the least. The streets were all white. Now, I didn't know if they were covered in some sort of precip that was making them white, or whether I was supposed to even drive on them when they were like that, so I seriously drove veerrrrryyyyy sloooooowwwlllly back to my apartment to call my sister (days before cell phones, ya know...) to ask her if it was ok for me to drive on the streets the way they were. She was all, "What are you talking about? The streets are white? I haven't a clue what you mean. They're fine to drive on, Faith. Go to work." I still was freaked out by it, because I'd never seen anything like it before!

And now I'm used to it, but I still notice it when it happens. It's a combo of weather occurrences that makes it happen, but as near as I can figure it's basically from ground up salt and coldness that turns them white, and of course they are perfectly safe to drive on when they're like that. It's just something I notice, for some reason. And I'm not sure if anyone else does, and that's just fine. If it's my thing, then it's my thing. I like having a thing all to myself, dammit.

And also, man, my boobs are sweaty today. Dayum.