Thursday, February 21, 2008

The One in Which I'm Just About Ready to Give Up

Part 2 of 3...

The fact that I’m what I call a “big girl” doesn’t really get me down a good amount of the time. I am what I am, I accept it, and I move on. I work out, I try to eat healthy, and while I do have a few vices I give in to every now and then (i.e. alcohol and fried food), it’s not like I do so every day, or even more often than 2 or 3 times a week. And usually that’s just the alcohol. The fried stuff is a once per week thing at a maximum.

Not that I need to justify this to anyone. And that’s what’s eating away at me lately. Why, as a big girl, do I feel any kind of a need to explain to people how it is that I live my life? Why do I think they want, or even need, any kind of explanation for my weight and my state of being? WHY?

So after the Weddingbee escapade that happened last Wednesday, I wasn’t expecting another attack to happen too soon. (They usually occur far apart from each other, but perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something right now.) Anyway, I was on the Knot in one of my fave boards on Thursday, and it was deliciously full of the crazy that day. There is an apparent freak-of-a-Mormon (not to be confused with the cool Mormons we all know and love) running around and saying theengs like zees: “My husband was very tired last night as he had just worked a 12 hour shift while covering for a sick employee at his current location of employment. I went to sleep very early since I have to work at 8am, and he refused sex because he was so tired therefore I went to bed around eleven pm. I woke up at 3am inthe morning because I was very thirsty and I saw him using the computer and molesting himself, he wasn't clothed it was very uncomfortable. I never got anything to drink and I went back to bed. When I left for work this morning, I checked the computer and it was off but I saw a lot of many napkins around on the floor. So I cleaned them up. I am very mad at him for not having time to sex with me but being able tostay up naked on the computer. How can I tell him that I dislike his [prono] habits?” And ZEES: “My husband and I have decided to start trying for a baby and I have been documenting my changes every day along with temperatures, and I have not yet gotten pregnant yet. My husband found an unused pregnancy stick test and asked me to try and test it out again because maybe I have done it wrong. There is only one way to do it so I explained to him that I don't want to waste the test and asked him to put it back. I thought he did but instead he kept it in his pocket. I sometimes go to bed much earlier than him so last night I was woken up to find my husband with the test in hand tryig to stick it in my areas! He thought that I wasn't sticking it in far enough so he was trying to test me in my sleep, so I explained to him that you have to provide urine in order for the test to work. He was so embarrased!”

(And if you didn’t understand why I read stuff on the Knot before now, hopefully you get it at this point.)

Not that this sort of thing happens every day, mind you. But anyway, we all wound up having a good time trying to figure out if this chick was real, or if she was just incredibly creative and had the sickest sense of humor we’d ever seen. And then someone came across a ribbon wand post.

Now, ribbon wands, to me, are the epitome of cheese at a wedding. I’ve never been “blessed” with the presence of them at any wedding I’ve attended, but I started hearing about them when I was originally planning my own wedding, and people were mentioning them on the Knot all the time. It was a new thing “back then.” Basically, it’s a ribbon on a stick, and people wave them in the air in lieu of tossing rice or flower petals or blowing bubbles as the newly married couple leaves the church, or whatever. I’ve asked Leo about whether he’d be ok with waving a ribbon wand in the air if he was ever asked to do so at a wedding, and he answered with a quizzical look and a “Hell no!” which was very satisfying to me, indeed.

So one of the Knotties posted a “RIBBON WANDS!!” post after I was initially introduced to the crazy-ass Mormon freak of nature, and hilarity ensued. It went a little something like this (everything in light purple is my own narration of events as they transpired):

Original Poster: Someone wants instructions on ceremony ideas on how to make...... are you ready??..... the dreaded..... RIBBON WANDS! = : O

Response 1: oh god. please no!

Response 2: EWW!!

Response 3: Nuh-uh!! Which board is that posted on?

hehe...I have never seen ribbon wands used before. Nor do I ever want to.

Response 4: what in the heck would they be used for? Outside of a Cinderella Disney Princess Bonanza Wedding Theme, I can't see the draw for ribbon wands...

Response 5: OK, so she wants ribbon wands for her wedding. Have you nothing better to do but criticize others? If ribbon wands are going to make her dream wedding a reality, let the girl do it. Her thread title is very specific, so you didn't even have to open it, just pass right through. Amazing how many rude women are on here that think their ideas are the only ones that matter. This is a board for soon to be brides to come and get ideas for their upcoming wedding and not be criticized by someone with far too much time on their hands.

(And therein lies the fun. Response 5 came from a girl who (a) doesn’t have any bio, so we have no info about her except what we can glean from her username (i.e. she’s from New Jersey and she’s a runner) and (b) is a self-aggrandizing type who thinks its cool to have a photo of herself in a bikini in her signature at the bottom of all her posts. Yeah, can’t take the time to put together a bio, and yet finds the way to put in a picture of herself lookin’ all fly in a bikini on each and every one of her posts? Nice. Anyway, attention is diverted somewhat successfully, and this is what follows…)

Response 6: No we don't have anything better to do but thanks for asking

Response 7: I can't help that I have "far too much time" on my hands. It comes with the job. Every day is a little different...

Response 8: so its okay to criticize for criticizing? hmmm...

Response 9: and thank you for being the voice of reason, bikini-clad girl.

Response 10 (apparently somewhat familiar with “bikini-clad girl” from other posts prior to this one): I thought she was doing so well too, until that.
Maybe she woke up to her DH attempting the anal invasion this morning a la [crazy Mormon girl’s] gem of a DH.

(Oh, and for those who are wondering a “DH” is a “Dear Husband.”)

Response 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20:
- ribbon wands just make me think of that scene in Old School-Will Ferrell's floor routine.

- I just think they look really, really stupid. Seriously, every time I see a picture with them I wonder why anyone would think that looked good.

- in all seriousness, what are they used for? i don't understand what you do with them.

- The ribbon wands themselves don't look stupid, its the adults (especially the men) waving them! It's a ridiculous idea!

- They have the guests wave them as they exit the church or reception or whatever. So it's a bunch of adults waving little sticks with ribbons stuck on the end. AWESOME!

- Like at my kindergarten graduation?

- no not kindergarten graudation, more like dance recital

- sounds craptastic indeed.

- are they really that hard to make? you glue ribbon on a stick. the end.

- Whoa whoa whoa - slow down, I want to make sure I get it right. Glue... ribbon... on... stick... Did I miss anything?

- wave vigorously. repeat.

(Basically, at this point I was cracking up. These chicks make my day sometimes - sad? - and that day in particular I was having a lot of fun with it. So I follow up with a comment of my own on the post…)

Me: You guys are cracking me up today. Between bikini-clad girl coming in and trying to defend the use of ribbon wands by calling everyone making fun of them names and the cult-freakness that is happening with pregnancy-test/"masturibation" chick who's trying to help her friend with the planning of her wedding, this day is just so effing awesome....

Response 22: I agree!

(Bikini-clad girl did NOT like that I was amused by her…so she responded accordingly.)

Bikini-clad girl: Wow...if reading messages on a wedding planning board after you've been married make your day awesome, then you really need to find some hobbies. May I suggest joining a gym, unless you look considerably better than that pic on your wedding day. Though I doubt it...they usually gain, not lose, after marriage...

(GAH! Oh no she di’int! Which is what the other girls said…)

Response 24, 25, 26, 27:
- that was quite unnecessary and down right rude. all married knotties are welcome on the boards, they're actually very helpful! people like you are not needed on these boards. [faith], i think you're beautiful! ;)

- Totally unnecessary and uncalled for. [bikini-clad], I was totally loving you before this, because I have big appreciation for the effort it takes to be in shape. But this is just b!tchy. We don't go around bashing appearances here. It's just not cool and not accepted, and I doubt you'll find any love on the Knot for this kind of talk. She looked gorgeous on her wedding day and you're just being a heinous b!tch for no reason. Oh, and I'm tiny, but I used to be pretty heavy, so I totally take offense to 'fat' bashing. That post was hurtful.

- Whoa, [bikini-clad girl]...I'm saddened. I was thinking you were quite cool. Not so much anymore.

- wow

Ok, there were more responses after that. Bikini-clad tried to come in and say the whole “but you guys make fun of how other people look!” bullshit, but no one was falling for it. I didn’t see any of this until Friday morning, at which point I responded:

Me: Eh, I'm a big girl, and I know it. I work out 4 times a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays are with a trainer, and have been doing so since July of '06.

I also like food. So sue me.

I'm very strong, but I have enormous boobs and a belly. That "facade," as I like to call it, tends to make people (i.e. random strangers who like to judge and call me fat, for some reason...I think it's because it makes them feel better about their own insecurities) think I'm softer than I really am. Not much I can do about the boobs except have them reduced in 2 years, which is the plan.

Thanks for gettin' my back though, everyone! And thanks to those of you who said I looked pretty in my bio! I still think I looked like a hooker, but I'm trying to accept the fact that other people don't feel that way so I need to move on already...:)

I went on to say that I thought maybe bikini-clad girl was lashing out initially because SHE intends to have people wave ribbon wands at her wedding, and we discussed the fact about big boobs being deceiving and all.

It was nice to see what kinds of comments people had to say to back me up. But again, why did I feel it was necessary to tell this whore of a bikini-wearer what my workout routine is? Why did it even matter to me? Why didn’t I go full-force into it and explain that I don’t eat fast food, aim to eat fish for dinner at least twice a week, and try to only ingest whole grain products when possible? What kept me from launching into an exhaustive missive regarding the dieting I’ve done since I was 12 years old? And why the FUCK didn’t I tell her that when I was in my early 20’s, I looked pretty hot myself…I was a size 8 from the time I was 22 until 24, for chrissakes! I USED TO BE ABLE TO SHOP AT BENETTON AND GUESS, GODDAMMIT!

But I wouldn’t go posting pics of myself in a bikini randomly online if I still looked like that, I must say. In fact, I don’t think I have any pics of myself in any kind of bathing suit from back in those days. (I don’t know if I wish I did have them or not. The crazy keeps on comin’.)

These things remained on my mind on and off throughout the weekend, and then I saw the letter Average Jane wrote to her body the other day, and thought about what I would say to MY body, and it remains the same as what I said at the beginning of the post. I like my body. I’m fine with it. I’ve been working on coming to terms with it for years, and finally feel like I’ve reached a place that works for me.

Now if other people could just deal with it, too, it would be the kitty’s titties.


H-Train said...

Wow. On so many levels...

Ribbon wand?? That reminds me of the toy that was offered when I was a kid...a ribbon wand, some sort of ring with ribbons. It was meant to be for girls so that they would want to compete in the Olympics.

Totally lame for a wedding.

But I've seen sparklers used, birdseed, bubbles, confetti. What's wrong with traditional rice??

As for Crazy Mormon Girl...she smacks of Utah Mormon. They are all weird.

Glad I'm one of the cool ones. ;o)

Faith said...

Her name is "D'Anna," so yes, she is straight up outta Utah. And she is *awesome.*

I used to love the ribbon wands we could get when we were kids, and wanted to pretend to be Olympic gymnasts. I never did get to the point in my own gymnastic training where I did floor routines with props (i.e. ribbons, balls, etc...) but it was fun to swing them around at home!

Not so much at a wedding, though...which is why 18 year olds shouldn't be allowed to have weddings.

faithstwin said...

This was good. The mormon chick? She can NOT be serious. Nononononononooooo...ok, so the hubby whacks off in the middle of the night. That's a bummer but it happens. But sticking a pregnancy test into her chooch!? Sweet baby jeebus...

Faith said...

No, no Twin. You misread that. He *molests* himself in the middle of the night. When he had the balls enough to, just a few hours earlier, not have "time to sex with [her]".

She not crazy. She just want some propah lovin' from her maaaannnn.

faithstwin said...

Pardon me...I forgot that tidbit. True, where as most of us rub one out, he is indeed performing something infinitely more dirty as well as inconsiderate that does categorize it under the 'molestation' title. My bad!

Sizzle said...

i don't even know where to begin! i'm glad people on the board came to your defense because it really was rude what she said. i still think that people feel like lashing out about a person's size is acceptable. and it isn't!

i was thin once. sometimes i feel compelled to explain that to people. i hate that i feel that way! whose business is it but mine? i wish i would stop doing that.

as for the pregnancy test poking?! i am at a LOSS. i sure hope she was just a jokester posting that.

Coley said...

See, this is what I come here for. The Ribbon Wands made me laugh so hard, I woke the kid. Just glorious.


I'm pretty sure, I had the Ribbon Dancer Barbie...

Nat said...

Managed to click here from Sizzle's shared items.)

DH made me laugh. You see my friend is divorces with kids. In our camp, DH stands for dickhead. Too funny.

One bikini chick is so totally wrong to make fun of the way anyone looks. Glad the other gals came to your defence.

I looked at tbe pic. Do you remember the video for Safety Dance (Men Without Hats.) I get visions fo that.

Waldo Oiseau said...

okay, I haven't even read the rest of the post. But I feel so dirty just having read about the no sex/computer and pregnancy test. Very icky.

Waldo Oiseau said...

K, finished the rest of it (after taking a moment to recover).

There is such a prejudice about being over-weight and I think it becomes ingrained that we either have to apologize for or defend why we look the way we do.

I really cannot believe that bikini girl would really scrape the bottom-of-the-barrel-of-hurtful-things-to-say like that.

We could all use a letter to the bod!

H-Train said...

Mormons are so uptight about sex and sexuality. If it's more than plain old vanilla, it's VERY BAD and you will go to ETERNAL HELL.

Had I wanted some nookie and the DH preferred to rub one out online instead, I would be annoyed...but to call it "molesting yourself" (heh) is a bit much.

And I don't even know what to say about the pregnancy test thing. Apparently, he didn't read the part where you had to PEE ON IT.

Sometimes, I don't know whether to laugh or be embarassed when I hear stories about my Utah counterparts. Retards.

Nightmare said...

As far as the "big Girl" stuff goes...well as my pappy always said "Only dogs eat Bones!"

I have only hooked up with a couple skeletons, and never was I skinny chicks for this gorilla.