Friday, April 11, 2008

That's a 40G in French, baby.

I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I’m having a really hard time accepting the fact that my body is as difficult as it is, and haven’t felt this negative towards it in a long, looong time.

I’ve gained 13 pounds since the wedding...which was only 5 and a half months ago. My boobs have gotten bigger again, and now that we’re heading into swamp-boob/ass season, they become even more of a “dream” to have attached to my body. (Anyone like putting deodorant under their boobs? I love it…absolutely loooove it.) I’ve been dealing with a local lingerie shop over the last two weeks trying to find a new perfect bra to hold the mothers up, and think we’ve finally found what works without sliding off my shoulders or digging into certain parts in uncomfortable ways. The salesgirl thought I was a 38 still, but I feel more comfortable in a 40 band. The cups? They’re size G. 40G. Christ save me. (That’s European sizing. In the US, it’s a DDD. Which is just as awesome, no?)

I think I know what the problem is…my workouts haven’t been as consistent as they were prior to the wedding because I don’t have a dress I must fit into anymore. I’ve been active, but only on average about 3 times per week, instead of the minimum 4 times that I should be doing. I feel less motivated than ever, and it’s making things very hard for me.

Also? Leo and I have been eating at home a lot more than we were prior to the wedding. We make our dinners…enough to feed 4 people, usually, because that’s just what recipes call for. We have leftovers, of course, but we also go back for seconds, which one can’t do in a restaurant usually, unless you’re at a buffet. We don’t tend to frequent buffets when we go out, though. Closest we get to that is Genghis Kahn in Westport. And we don’t get there more than once every 2 months or so. I try to get smaller portions of stuff when I plan on eating seconds (like last night with my famous red beans and rice? I take a smaller amount…about a cup total…each time I have it. But I felt full when I was done, which my trainer told me to try to avoid in order to get started losing. He wants me to be a little uncomfortable for now…which means eating way less than I’ve apparently gotten used to. And it’s harder to do than I realized it would be.)

Anyway…

I’ve also returned to my love of beer. Not that it ever went away, but I’d really cut back in the months leading up to the wedding. Now that I don’t have any goal I need to meet, I can say hello again over and over to my favorite Bud Light or Bully Wheat on the weekends.

And it’s not having a defined goal that’s killing me. Yes, losing 20 pounds would be lovely. But I don’t have to do it. I fit into my jeans fine. I have plenty of skirts that still look cute, even on my fat ass.

To illustrate, here’s an example of something frustrating that happened last week. I’m interested in having the boob reduction surgery soon…hopefully next year…and decided to write a doctor that I was referred to by a friend that had the surgery a while back. I need some info in order to better prepare, so here’s what I wrote:

“My name is [Faith], and I was referred to your office by a friend that had surgery performed by Dr. [so-and-so] some time ago. I'm interested in getting a breast reduction and lift, as well as possibly having some liposuction performed on my stomach area, but have a few questions...

First of all, I won't be able to have this done this year. I know I probably need to save up a good amount of vacation time from work before I can consider having the procedures done, but I'm not sure how much is required.

Also, I want to be sure that I'm saving the appropriate amount of funds in order to have the surgery...at least for the breast reduction. The liposuction is just something I'm interested in hearing more about, and am not even sure if I'm a candidate for it. I might be too heavy.

That's another issue I'm wondering about...do I need to lose weight before I would be considered to be a good candidate for either a tummy tuck or liposuction? Part of my concern about my weight is that it a good deal of it is up front - my stomach and my breasts. I work out regularly, and of course try to eat as healthy as possible, but I'm concerned about the amount of belly fat I have and how it might contribute to my heart health as I get older. It just doesn't seem to go away, no matter how much I work out. (4 days per week at this point in time.)

I'm 34 years old, and will not be having children. I weigh about [198], and am 5'5" tall.

I would hate to waste anyone's time with an actual consultation, if I won't be able to have the surgery until next year. But again, I want to be sure I'm saving appropriately, have the proper amount of time off from work set aside, as well as working at getting into the appropriate shape necessary for the surgeries I'd like to have. Should I schedule a consultation so I can find this info out?”

And here’s how they responded:

“Hi, Faith! The cost of a breast reduction is about $6500 @ this time, including surgeon's fees, OR, & anesthesia. Sounds like you are able to exercise but might need to consult with a dietician for additional weight loss. You are correct in assumimg that you wil get the best result with surgery if you have already lost any weight that you are going to lose before your surgery. Look forward to meeting you once you are closer to your goals.”

Initial response to the note was to be offended. It SOUNDS LIKE I’m able to exercise? WTH does that mean? Consult with a dietician for additional weight loss? Bitch doesn’t even know me or what my routine is…why would she assume that I eat badly? And I don’t HAVE any goals. That’s why I needed to know if I’m a candidate to have lipo or not…am I too heavy? SHOULD I have a goal?

After a while, I settled down. Yeah, the chick didn’t answer all the questions I had (like how much time I need in order to recover, and whether lipo is possible on someone who’s as heavy as I am), but she didn’t technically have all the info. Hence my reason to wonder whether I needed to come in now for a consultation or not.

And really, I think it just bothered me because I DON’T have a goal. And I guess I should. Is my belly as stubborn as I make it out to be, or am I not exercising enough/cutting out enough bad foods in order to help make it go away?

I don’t want to be one of those people that live on grilled chicken breasts and salad with low fat dressing all the time. I want to ENJOY life, but getting to that level of enjoyment also means not going through this dislike for my body every now and then.

I can’t find the balance. And I need it right now.

9 comments:

Erin said...

A of couple of unsolicited thoughts:

When I cook at home and know I'm likely to overeat, I dish out a serving and then immediately pack up the leftovers and put them away. I do that before even eating. I'm more likely to let food settle and then I realize I'm full where otherwise I would have immediately gotten seconds.

You're being an insane woman right now, and you need to recognize. The email you got back wasn't really all that helpful, but it wasn't rude. I'd just do some googling on average recovery time from those surgeries.

Have you tried to incorporate more low-fat dairy in your diet? They (the dairy associations... haha) say that you can lose more belly weight w/ low fat dairy in your diet.

Chin up lady. You'll find your balance.

Faith said...

Good idea on the packing food up thing. Fantastic idea, actually. Gracias!

I don't eat dairy, actually. I'm non-dairy. It makes me break out. So that's not something I can do, unfortunately. If I could eat it, I can only imagine just how much fatter I would be! Scares the crap outta me.

meesha.v said...

I think team of plastic surgeons including myself, Dr.Emaw, Dr.XO, Dr. Nightmare and Dr.Logtar, with the help of male nurses D and Chimpo should have a consultation with you and give you a quailified second opinion.
Fighting weight sucks, especially for a person who likes to cook and bake. Working out just helps to not get any fatter.(I am talking about myself here).

Coley said...

Oh damn, do I like Erin's idea. Good call.

You know, if you've got insurance coverage, seeing a dietitian might not be a bad idea. At least they might be able to put together a food plan that meets your needs and desires for variety.
Just my two cents...

(Not like I'm any weight loss expert though. Damn, I'm managing to put on weight while still breastfeeding, that takes effort.)

faithstwin said...

Hi. I'm your twin and I've had two plastic surgery procedures. Maybe I can help?

After the panniculectomy (look it up), I would have been able to go back to work in about a week if I had been working at the time. What I would try to do is have the surgery on a friday or a monday and then you'll have between 7 and 9 days to recover. I was able to stand upright again after the second day.

An aquaintance online just had the reduction/lift combo and she took 10 days off if I remember correctly. She had planned to go back earlier, but it sounded like she was too dependent on the pain killers and it took her longer to realize she felt ok. We don't tend to have that problem and I never took anything more than advil.

Either surgery will require you rest allll the time and not pick up anything weighing more than a certain poundage for quite some time. I went to Sundance less than a month after my tummy surgery and I was good to go.

Anybody is gonna tell you losing weight before surgery would be best. I lost something like 10lbs before I had my tummy done and then they took off another 6 1/2 lbs...aweeesssssooommmmeee.

You'll find what works for you. We are now older and our metabolism is slower. It's the shits, but we'll figure it out. I know, I'm up to 185 and fit snugly in the size 16 I used to feel rather small in.

I wanna just lob off my boobs accidentally. Maybe we should play fight with machetes and take care of it for each other? (YOU MUST SEE DEWEY COX to get that ref).

Anonymous said...

What a F'ckn idiot that girl is!

First of all, twin is right. You want to lose as much weight as possbile especially if your problem area is the tummy because you will have much more skin for them to remove and less to strech and put back on if that makes sense?
I don't know if you have tried it but Dr. Ian's Smash Diet Book from Celebrity Fit Club will shed pounds off you so quick you won't believe it. It's not to harsh and it's really easy. You betox the body first while eating all the healthy things you want constantly, than working up to good food again and he even has a really surprisingly good cookbook he sells for it to.
Sorry, I just sounded like a damned commercial but I tried it and it was awesome! Just trying to be helpful! Good luck to you Faith!

Well Hell Michelle said...

Right before my wedding, I put on 15 pounds of stress-eating fat. And then after the wedding, I put on 20 pounds of stress-free happy fat. Blech.

Once I figured out the reasons... eating out more, and cooking at home but eating the same amount as Dangerboy... I was able to work on both of those habits and lose most of the weight.

Anyway, it sounds like you've pinpointed the reasons, so you are definitely back on track. Good luck, and I think you always look gorgeous no matter what :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Faith, my Mom and a good friend both had breast reductions and were able to have the procedure covered by insurance. You may have already checked that out, but if "the girls" are causing back/neck pain, digging grooves into your shoulders, etc. you might consider having a consult with the physician to see.

They'll probably have you go to physical therapy first and then they'll okay it. Good luck!

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