Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Open Letter to the Vermin in Our Yard

Dear Vermin in Our Yard,

If you don't stop stealing/biting into our tomatoes that we are so lovingly growing in our backyard, I'm likely to find a way to poison said tomatoes, and then hang your little lifeless bodies from a tree to set an example for all other vermin contemplating the deliciousness that does not belong to you.

In the mean time, I hope you get terrible, painful, ugly runny poop problems from the underripe tomatoes you keep stealing. Assholes.

Sincerely,
The People Who Allow You to Live in Their Backyard

6 comments:

Layla said...

Dear people who allow us to live in your backyard,

Thank you for the tomatoes, they go great with the basil you are growing. If you could leave some mozzarella on the deck tonight, we'll be set!

Fondly,
The vermin

GB, RN said...

You could try sprinkling some cheyenne pepper and see if that will detour the little buggers.

Faith said...

Vermin, you can go find some yummy walnuts instead. No mozzarella for you! :P

GB, that might be a good idea! I'll mention it to Leo, and see what he thinks. Thank you!

Catherine VandeVelde said...

We sent that EXACT SAME letter to our backyard squatters last summer. Know what they did? They smeared tomato juice all over it and slid it back under the door.

Solution? We marched out there with a big brown bag and picked every last green tomato on the vine. I didn't think it would work ... but nearly all of them ripened in the bag and we got to sit on the back deck eating delicious tomatoes while the vermin pined from afar.

Catherine VandeVelde said...

P.S. We tried cayenne, and then soap, and then cute dishes full of sunflower seeds. I have heard that putting dog hair around plants helps.

Faith said...

It's funny, because we have a BUNCH of different plants potted separately. A couple of cherry toms, one heirloom plant, and then two normal tomato plants. One of them is on the deck, and the rest are all down in a spot next to the deck.

They only seem to be eating the toms from the plant ON the deck. WTF is up with that?