Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Blue-green autumn

Leo and I arrived back in Kansas City safe and sound last night. It was a mellow trip back, for the most part. The descent into Dallas seemed to be fueled by a mix of cocaine and red bull as we circled our way in at an alarming rate of elevation loss, but we managed to get on the ground in one piece, and the flight from there to Kansas City was much more peaceful. The weather was perfect, the luggage popped out quickly, we ordered Thai food from our favorite restaurant on our way home, and then we settled in for a flop on our couch before bed time. Couldn’t have gone more smoothly, I think.

Dad is doing ok. His breathing is rough most of the time, and he had a couple of coughing fits that left him in a lot of pain while we were there, but that’s par for the course, and the thing that surprises me the most is how well he hides it from us while we’re there. We go to bed much earlier than he does, though. And we also tried to get out of the house and give him and my step mom their privacy on a regular basis while we were there, so it makes sense that we just don’t happen to see the worst of the trouble he’s going through a majority of the time. I guess.

But we were able to spend a lot of quality time together, and watch football, and other t.v., and have little chats about random shit. It was nice. I can’t help but feel a bit in the way of the routine while I’m there, though. Visits are always nice to be able to do, but I hate feeling like we’re messing with the normal schedule by being there. I really hope my family understands that I can’t keep doing that…going home and saying goodbye. Dad and I are on a good level with each other. So that was our final weekend together in person, I think, unless he makes it through Christmas by some miracle. (I wouldn’t put it past him, btw. He looks good, and seems to be doing well still. But looks can be deceiving I guess. I’m not going to put any false hope on those looks…at least, I’m going to try not to, anyway!) And I’m ok with that reality. The emotional turmoil that those trips home cause internally for me just get worse and worse, and I can’t keep doing it. This doesn’t mean that I love my father less than anyone else in the family, of course. It just means that I’m drained. It happened with mom, too. I don’t like what it does to me, mentally, when I get drained like that. I need to feel this grief as it happens this time around. I’m not as resilient as I used to be, like I was when mom died, I don’t think. So feeling it as it happens is more important to me this time around.

Not that I expect that to make much sense to anyone outside of my head right now, but I needed to write it, anyway. Sorry!
Now I’m back at work, trying to wake up and be chipper and mellow while getting over the minor jetlag I brought in with me today. At least it’s a short week. Thank goodness!


faithstwin said...

Well I enjoyed having you guys here. I was very happy Leo made it out. He's too funny.

That flight into Dallas sounds like a scream- literally. Happy you made it home in one piece.

This job is gonna be cake as long as I figure out their phone system. It's one funky system!

Nuke said...

Glad you made it back OK. I think you expressed yourself just fine. I hope everything goes well for you and the family from here out.

New job twin?

faithstwin said...

Just a temp assignment. But it's nice and mellow.

Faith said...

Am I getting in the way of your guys' conversation? I'm sorry! Let me step aside so you two can chat...


We had fun, too! Very relaxing time; lots of quality time with dad; good football viewing on the biggest t.v. in the universe...all good things!

The temp job is just icing on the cake. Yay for icing!

Jill Pilgrim said...

Oh Faith- big, big, big hugs. I'm thinking about you.