Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's not like its a Man Cold, so shut it!

On Sunday morning, after a late Saturday night of lovely football, and then ups and downs with the puppies, Leo came into the bedroom to say goodbye on his way out to work, and said, “What HAPPENED last night?”

This worried me. I had gotten a little tipsy on beer and port wine as I watched football, but I didn’t seem to have any problem remembering that I managed to clean up properly after the celebration orgy that took place in the living room.

Or did I?

Ok, ok…there wasn’t any celebration orgy. You guys know me too well! There was a lot of hopping about quietly and silent clapping after USC managed to beat Ohio State, but that was about it. (I had to keep my celebrating quiet since Leo was already in bed. Oh, and his team lost their game, so celebrating my tough win would have been just plain MEAN. And I’m not like that all the time, ok? I swear.) The puppies wanted to come out and go to the bathroom after that, and so I let them out, and then we all went to bed.

About 4 a.m. rolled around, and Izzy was doing another dance out in the living room. Fuck, she needed to go out again! So I climbed out of bed, and let her and Jake out (it doesn’t matter how deep asleep he might be…you open that back door, and he’s out like a shot!), and then I went back into the bedroom and shut the door, resigning myself to whatever damage might come of it. (They tend to get dewy and really wet from being outside in the middle of the night/early morning, so I have to dry them off before they can come back to bed, and all of that just sounded like a hell of a lot of work at that hour. Work I was NOT in the mood for. So closing the bedroom door was my solution.)

About 30 minutes passed, and then I heard Iz whining at the bedroom door. So I headed out to the living room to dry them off. Izzy whizzed right past me, and jumped onto the bed. Her paws were soaked, but she hates being dried off, and I think she was trying to avoid me, but she just succeeded in pissing me off. I grabbed her and carried her out to the living room. I got her paws dried off, and then asked Jake to come to get on the towel. He just stayed where he was on the ottoman. Ok, fine…I wasn’t in the mood for fucking around – 4:30 a.m. people!!! – so I took the towel over to him and dried his face and paws. (He’s like a sponge…it’s SUCH a pain in the ass. But he’s cute, and apparently he’s the missing link, so we gotta be nice to him regardless.) When I finished drying him off, I abandoned him in the living room. He sleeps out there all the time, which is fine with me as long as my couch cushions stay in tact.

But when Leo asked me what had happened the night before, sounding like he found me in a tub full of cherry Jell-O with nothing but a pair of boy shorts and pasties to cover me after the orgy had cleared out, I was genuinely worried. “Why? What the fuck happened???” I replied in a sleepy haze.

“Well, there was a dead rabbit in the living room,” he said.

“Ooh nooo! I’m so sorry! I had no idea there was a rabbit in the house! Fuck…was it gross? Did you clean it up already?” Yes, he had cleaned it up, but he took pictures first so I could see it before he disposed of it. (I haven’t uploaded those, and I don’t plan on sharing them anyway, since EW! DEAD BUNNY!) I looked at them when I woke up, and there it was…right below the ottoman that Jake was so quietly and contentedly laying on just a few hours before when I went out to dutifully dry him off, like the good mommy that I am. Dude, my foot was right next to it, but I had no idea it was there. Sick...SICK. The fucking dog brought in a rabbit he had killed by apparently snapping its neck! (There was no blood, thank goodness.) GAH! GAAAAAHHHH!

Poor Leo. That’s the 2nd dead bunny he’s had to dispose of this year, although it’s just the first one that he’s ever found in the house. I found one, too, I reminded him, except it turned out that the one I found was just playing dead, but still...he has no argument over me when it comes to the number of creatures he’s had to deal with since living in our house. I’ve had the squished squirrel, and the baby bunny that was playing dead, and he’s had two bunnies. Who were totally dead, and not squished in any way, so he can shut the fuck up with his whining.

Yes, we use the dead animals we’ve had to clean up as leverage against each other…what of it? I asked him to get up and let the dogs out last night as we lounged on the couch, and he was all, “Um, dead bunny! Helloooo!” And I told him that he can’t use that one, because we’re basically even now. He’s pissed off about that fact, apparently, and I think he’s wishing a small woodland creature Armageddon on me now, but I don’t fucking care. It was his turn to get up and open the door. Nyah.

::sigh:: Men. Such big fucking babies, you all are. ::rolls eyes::


Anonymous said...

Doesn't the bang up job he did remodeling the garage count for something?

faithstwin said...

Anony: remodeling and cleaning up extinguished rodents are NOT the same thing! I tell you I would much rather paint an entire room than deal with the dead baby bunny I had to take care of this year (that I discovered while Phoebe stood over it like a protective Mom asking why everyone was looking at her while she was drunk and hanging with her 3-month-old-homegirl?). I will happily drywall an 8'x10' space ALONE than have to pick up a baby rat my pup has killed and brought into my living room after she became bored with it in the yard. I will create the most oddly amazing bookcase (someone else will have to construct it- I deserve that much) to fit in a crazy space you thought only stereo equipment was made for than deal with dogkill.

This is unfortunately normal for us, Twin, while we are 'parents' of non-extinct animals...

Faith said...

The garage remodel counts for LOTS of things, sure! But like the twin says, sanding and painting drywall, and having to clean up a squished, dead for 4 days already squirrel from your driveway are two very different activities. There's waaay less wretching involved in sanding and painting, I've found.

justquirky said...

Ew. I don't know what I'd do if Gertie killed something and brought it in. I'm glad Leo found it and not you. (Sorry, Leo.)

Also, mmmm port wine. I have just discovered it. It is yummy, but I can only have a little because it's so sweet!