Monday, September 21, 2009

Ok, I'm good. (But I'm really not.)

Look all, I'm stressed about my trip this week. As stressed as I was the last time. (There were a few posts in July that gave it away, but otherwise, I tried to keep it on the DL, if possible.) On the verge of tears at random times for no explainable reason, feeling very unreasonably moody much of the time, and trying - trying - to be happy and chipper as much as possible since it is a work-week right now.

The vacation this week is us going to see my dad again. Before he dies. So, yeah. Take me with a grain of whateverthefuck you want this week...I appreciate the suggestions and help with the last post (which I tried to write in a lighthearted and upbeat manner...FAIL.), but just know that any grr-ness that comes from me this week, or any other week in the near future, is not because of anything anyone says, really.

It's just me. I'm having a hard time dealing with me right about now.

Because what I'm going through...what my family is going through, what Leo has to go through, hell, what my dogs have to go through...is not fair. It's not fucking FAIR. And I'm just not reconciling very well with that concept, it seems.

My heart and head is full of so, so, soooo much right now that it's hard to be normal, is the thing. So maybe I should stop trying. I think I need to just let it all out somewhere, so this might wind up being that place for a bit. Bear with me through the changes. Hopefully, I'll be back to my normal self sometime next summer...

12 comments:

Nuke said...

Go ahead and Grr all you want, anybody who can't take it can fuck off.

Didn't know your Dad had taken such a dark turn. You, your twin, and the whole family have only my best thoughts in the near future.

Faith said...

Thanks Nuke. He really has no other direction to turn, is the thing. He only has one lung left, and it's slowly dying. That such a wonderful man has to die in such a slow, painful manner is just disgusting to me. It literally tears me apart when I think about it. And in order not to think about it, I have to be ridiculously drunk (see post from Friday night for further confirmation of that...WTF was up with the Flight of the Conchords part of that? I remember it making so much sense when I typed it...), and I've decided that drinking can lead ME to a dark place, and I have to avoid it right now. Besides, they might frown upon the drunken state while I'm at work. Not sure, but I'm betting that'd be the case.

But really, thank you. I had been keeping the info close to my chest because...well, I'm like that. But I figured it'd be better to put it out there now, since it's affecting my mood so much and so often.

sis-in-law said...

We look foward to having you come on Fri. The best thing you can do right now is be near him, and (hopefully) be consoled by your family members, the people who most understand what you're feeling. Lots of love and big hugs.

Jill Pilgrim said...

I gave up on being normal a long time ago :)

:big hugs:

Cara said...

Yeah, what Nuke said. And it's not fucking fair, and it never will be.

My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.

Nora said...

my heart goes out to you and your family. I know first hand how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer. As much as you try to prepare, there is no way. We lost my dad to cancer 6 years ago, and it's still painful. The important part is to make the best of the time you have with him, because the memories are what will get you through. And what ever you do, don't let ANYONE tell you how you should feel, what you should do... there is no right or wrong. And if you want to vent here, go for it girl. We're all here to listen and lend a shoulder (or keyboard) when you need it.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Faith said...

Thanks you guys!

Losing mom to cancer 11 years ago kind of prepared me a little for this, but it was a different time...different things were happening, and I didn't have an outlet like this blog for discussion about the issue. And it's weird because while I want to air my feelings on it, I don't want to cross any lines. And it's hard to see where those lines are at when I'm in the moody ups and downs that I have been lately.

One thing I can say about the blog world when going through stuff like this is that it reaffirms the fact that I'm not alone. So many of you have difficult issues that you're also dealing with, or have dealt with a similar situation that gives you the ability to relate, and it really helps. A lot. I'm so thankful for that...so, sooo thankful! Community, and a sense of camaraderie (as cheesy as it may sound) is so important to me when this sort of shit is happening to me.

Janet said...

I have not been anywhere close to what you're going through, so I'll just send you hugs and not pretend I know how you feel, because I don't.

(((((HUGS)))))

Spyder said...

Thoughts & prayers. You have every reason for being a biatch! Let loose if it helps. We are here for you. Hugs

faithstwin said...

None of it is fair. This all sucks. Add to that the most amazing person we have ever known? Yeah. Fuckin' a.

You are NOT allowed to release the biatch while here this weekend. Spyder is speaking for the Internet. You may be The Biatch of All Biatches. ONLINE.

You get me? Whatever. You get to drive the S55 if I don't show up. Fucker.

Faith said...

Ok, I WILL be a biatch if you don't show up! Gah! :P

flowerparts@yahoo.com said...

good luck w/ your trip - and you're right - you're not alone - if that gives you any kind of consolation at all (i know it doesn't really) just know that we know things can suck and that they aren't fair and you can talk about it all you want out here!

hugs and good luck w/ the travel & family :)