Thursday, October 01, 2009

Fire up the masses!

Yesterday, I received an email forwarded by the upper-executive administrative assistants, as a kind of FYI, I guess. Apparently, it's possible that the H1N1 virus could mutate further to become a deadly concern, and the CDC is concerned about us being prepared for such a possibility. (Um, Heather? You remember how you were telling us not to panic over this kind of shit? Yeah, it's not our fault, really. Blame the CDC. Not that this is them necessarily panicing over the bug, really. But it is them sending out the info that, yeah, this can become deadly to otherwise healthy folks, so HUNKER DOWN, MUTHERFUCKERS! WOO! I might be interpreting that a bit freely. But that's a very "me" thing to do, so I tend to roll with it when it happens.)


So we admins get this email communication, and it basically says what everything else is saying these days, but is also talking specifically about our "pandemic plan". Because everyone needs to have a plan, and who better to deal with the plan than the people who basically live their lives for plans? That's right. The admins will save the world, dammit, and don't you forget it!

This is my favorite part of the emailed "plan": "For most business functions, employees are the most critical factor." You know, for those of you who don't work for a company that's run completely by robots, and all, you have to consider that the employees might be an important cog in the wheel of company function, eh? So remember that fact first and foremost! Employees make the business function - got it.

My second favorite part is the one that applies specifically to our company: "We have created a plan that is ‘cafeteria style’. It gives options (like ordering cleaning supplies, social distancing and working remotely), so that the business unit can pick and choose what is right for them."

Awesome. I choose the social distancing from the buffet, please. Everyone needs to get the fuck away from me right now...especially the new dude that moved into my section of the building 3 weeks ago who has a perpetual cough that makes me long for the hours and hours of howling that our neighbor's hound dog does when I'm at home. And I want to poison that dog, goddammit. So you know that the cough is getting to me if I would choose the fucking dog over it. (It is really annoying!)

Lastly, the letter says this: "Administrative Professionals should understand which strategies their organizations will implement and plan for how you will sustain support functions during a pandemic." You know, as though admins have any say or pull in what's done should a pandemic occur. Dude, if a pandemic happens, I'll do what the fuck the boss tells me to do, ok?

Although I did forward this email to him last night, with the following personal note included at the top: "Did you know that we have a Pandemic Plan? I didn’t know we had a Pandemic Plan. It involves the option of “social distancing”. I’m not saying that we necessarily should do the social distancing thing, yet. But I’m just saying that it is a viable option for our group. In case of a pandemic. That likely won’t happen. (Probably.) Some people might be better off being socially distanced, is my point. (I won’t name names, but they probably already know who they are, anyway.)"

I hope he knew I was talking about myself. :D


Layla said...

I don't know faith... I have to say it's been my experience that while most employees do recognize we are a 'critical factor' in business functions, and saying this to the actual employees is, well, as you pointed out, incredibly stupid, most employers have a habit of forgetting that fact ;)

Nuke said...

My company sent a Pandemic Survival Kit to each of our homes (my team anyway). It includes vitamins and flue remedies and stuff, anti bacterial wipes and hand sanitizer as well as masks.

On our conference call the next week I asked my team mates if anybody else was perplexed by the handgun and single bullet. I was really disappointed when instead of laughter all I got was one guy saying he hadn't opened his yet and didn't know IF he had a gun or not. Some people have NO sense of humor where flupocolypse is concerned.

Faith said...

Hahahahahahahaha! OMG! That is so sad, Nuke! And yet so, sooo funny! Hahahahahaha!

Yeah, I also like that one of our cafeteria style options will be to order cleaning supplies. Um, thanks...I guess? How about being able to order some kleenex that doesn't start a fire when it comes into contact with one's nose? Because that'd be lovely.

And Layla, just remember, it's only in "most business functions" where you might be critical. Not ALL. Keep that in mind, little missy.

faithstwin said...

Awww Nuke- you work with a bunch of wet shirts. Don't let 'em drag you down!

(I probably would have taken it further and been all, "I got a pill that is marked 'cyanide' in mine. Is that some sort of vitamin to help with the flu?")