Tuesday, December 08, 2009

"I'm going on a trip..."

I'm on a thin line between wanting to be goofy and silly, and barely having the energy to talk. Last I heard from the Twin, dad had declined to a point where he's no longer responding to anyone, except when they flipped him on his side to put a sheet underneath him (which will make it easier to move him, so the bed can be changed frequently), and his eyes got wide with fear at what was happening.

He hasn't been able to keep anything down since last Friday, apparently. He tried to eat a little on Saturday, and when I spoke to him at about 9:30 or 10 a.m. his time, he sounded really very good! I feel so lucky that I got a hold of him then, because ever since, he's been slipping fast.

The food isn't staying down, and his organs are failing. He told someone that was visiting him that he was going on a trip. And I keep thinking about that, over and over and over. And I hope the journey he has is short, painless, and has my mom and his brother there waiting for him!

When we spoke on Saturday, he told me that he was glad I was happy. He thinks Leo is a great guy, and I agree. He did tell me, though, "You tell Leo I said he'd better treat you good, or I'm coming after him!" I laughed, and reminded him that it was Leo that we needed to worry about in this relationship, because I'M the evil one, dammit. And then I said that even though our family is only made up of me, Leo, and the puppies, it's a damned good one to have, I think. He agreed.

I wish I'd told him how much I appreciate everything he did for me. I wish I'd told him that I learned so much from him, and feel strong because of it all, and can't thank him enough for the values he instilled in me. I wish I'd told him that I'm glad that I've inherited so many of his traits, because it makes me feel like a better person when I try to behave like him.

But I try to console myself by thinking that he already knows all that. He has to. He is DAD, after all! They know everything. :)

10 comments:

Erin said...

Thinking of you lots.

Nora said...

He knows. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

GB, RN said...

I'm thinking of you, too.

Now, I have to go because I have something in my eye.

Nuke said...

You know I am with you.

JustCara said...

"I wish I'd told him that I'm glad that I've inherited so many of his traits, because it makes me feel like a better person when I try to behave like him." I think the same thing when I think of my dad. I have a feeling somewhere in the future they're going to be bragging to each other about the wonderful kids they had.

I'm thinkin' about ya. Hang in there, girl.

Coley said...

Thinking good thoughts for you, your dad and your family. I like the way your dad put it. He's going on a trip. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

sdchickrawker said...

Your dad is awesome. This post is beautiful.

Many hugs over the interwebs.

faithstwin said...

He knows, dude. He knows. He'd have to be batshit crazy to look at you and NOT see the influence he had in the way you take care of business and be proud.

Besides, he was so gushy that even when I tried to point out what a crappy kid I am he STILL found a way to turn it around and compliment me. I told him all the good in me came from two very specific people: him and Mom. He just nodded.

One thing Dad is is smart. He is able to look at each of us and see the good even beyond the bad. It's a rare parent who can do such a thing with so many of us and so many of our faults.

One thing I hope people read about my Dad here: he gave everyone what they were due. Today my Step Mom tearily recounted what Dad wanted the hospice people to know: they were great and he wanted them to know how much he appreciated their time and attention to him. He wanted them to know that he recognized they did everything they could but he knew his limit and that was what he had reached.

The nurse, in turn, told us that Dad was given special attention because it was specifically requested by the doctors involved. Everyone felt Dad was a special man and wanted to do whatever they could, go above and beyond so that he would be cared for. She said there are patients where they go in, get the job done and move on. But Dad was one of the rare patients where they took every call very seriously and they discussed his case at every meeting. They knew he was something else and wanted to do what they could to make him know that.

Dad didn't realize how special people found him. He was modest, discreet, private and only proud when it came to family. I know I will be blessed a billion times over if I ever meet another person that could try to match my Dad in character, ability, ethics, faith... I could go on and on. Even while planning his services he grossly underestimated the people who would show up just to give their final good bye to him.

These last few years have been rough but we battled through because at the end of the day it meant we had more time with Dad. He will forever be remembered as the saint he was and I am only sorry so many of you who read this blog never got to meet him because you would have really enjoyed knowing such a person existed and that you had the pleasure of knowing him.

Faith said...

Yeah, ditto what the Twin said. :D

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate all the support right now. You can't believe the random places we're (Leo and I, I mean) running into walls of disinterest in this situation, so having friends who understand and send us their thoughts is really a blessing. ::hugs::

Spyder said...

You know having such a wonderful man as your father is a 2 edged sword. You are so lucky to have him but then you lose him. Also he is the model that you use to judge all men. Many are lacking. He can go to God with confidence that he has done a good job raising you. I'm so so sorry for your loss.