Thursday, March 25, 2010

What is the male equivalent of an ovarian cyst?

I think I have a cyst in mah lady junk. I can't tell for sure. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for a sonogram to see what's up in there, just to be sure I don't have anything major to worry about.

Why do the ladyparts need to be such a pain all the time? And do men have to deal with anything like this? Something prostate related, perhaps? Because it's bullshit...utter bullshit!...that I have to be on fucking birth control pills for however fucking long in order to make sure that I don't get tiny sacs of exploding nastiness on my ovaries every month, ok? That SUCKS. I can deal with the birth control for now. But how long can I go on taking it? Now that it's been 20 years, aren't we verging on the ridiculous a bit? I think we are, personally.

I just wanna know what men have to deal with? (And don't say, "The PMS. Ha ha ha ha.") We have monthly bleeding out of our vag, dammit. If we so choose, we have to grow the humans and push them out of a hole the size of a goddammed nostril once they're done cooking. We have these cyst thingers that are absolutely lovely to deal with, lemme tell ya. (Imagine filling your lower stomach area with teeny-tiny water balloons filled to their limit. And then imagine those balloons EXPLODING while they are right up against all your vital organs. It's like a rubber-snapping assault on your bladder, kidneys, and intestine, and it feels like hell, dammit. Now imagine having that all happen during your 4th period geometry class, which you hate more than anything else in life, already, and you really didn't need the exploding insides to accentuate the fabulous sucktasticness of it all, thanks.)

We have the bloating, and the cramping, and the mutherfucking MOOD SWINGS that make us want to quit our jobs for a week every fucking month, just so we don't have to sit/stand/dance around and pretend that we're actually hunky-dory, and everything feels fiiiine, thanks for askin'! BECAUSE IT DOESN'T!

So what, pray tell, do the men have? Because I sure as hell haven't been able to figure it out in my 36 years here on mother earth. And I give the serious side-eye to evolution or Adam & Eve or whateverthefuck it is that's in charge of making us as different as we are.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the fact that my husband is literally melting the pounds away on this South Beach thing, while I am still just trudging. along. losing. about. a pound. every two. weeks. GAH! I know, I know, I sound like that commercial with the lady complaining about how her husband stops eating bread and loses a bunch of weight, but she hasn't had bread in two. years. Guess what? I sound like that BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!

Whatever made us the way we are, they truly seemed to have hated females, and thought that men should have all the advantages. I'll tell you what...if it does turn out that I'm right, and God did all of this? He'd better pray I don't have PMS when I die. ::sign of the cross::

11 comments:

Coley said...

Girl, tell me about it. I can't speak to the cyst portion, but everything else, hells yes.

At the very least, men better realize how much easier they have it, and be as solicitous as humanly possible at all times to their lady-companions.

Faith said...

I like the Friends episode where Chandler is left alone in the L&D room with the chick that he and Monica are adopting from, and he starts talking about what hurts more: giving birth, or being kicked in the nuts. Hahahaha! He's so dumb! And it's such a man thing to wonder about, I'd think! So, so funny...

faithstwin said...

Yup. I have wondered this many many times before. Top that off with when we go through menopause. Our female reproductive system pretty much fucks us every way 'till tuesday from 12 to death. What do men have to deal with? A mid-life crisis. Yeah. Selling your Pontiac and getting a Porsche just is NOT the same as trading blood for hot flashes.

I hope all's well of course with your tests. Maybe that's why Jeffers returned the scissors when he did- because he knew you were stressed and needed a laugh.

Wendy said...

And don't forget about the MAN COLD. You know...whenever they get sick it is SO MUCH worse than anything we've ever had.

[rolls eyes]

Hang in there and good luck!

Shicho said...

"What is the male equivalent of an ovarian cyst?"

Hmm. That IS a toughie. Let me think...

Oh oh - got it!

It's the whole dress left or dress right issue. And it's important -and super annoying - because every pair of trousers or casual slacks you own need to be adjusted acordingly. Which is, at least in moi's case, no little feat.

And if your tailor is off just so you end up looking like a male consort in a $1000 dollar suit. The obverse of this is just as irritating, really. Maybe more so, because one leg now resembles a stove pipe while the other legs stides jauntily along, perfectly clothed.

It's such a drag.

( And don't get me started on the whole PC issue of what to do with your junk in a speedo: treat it like a hammock or tuck it down below? What rot. )

Is that what you had in mind?

clw said...

A effn men! I am sooo feeling this post. Being a women sucks - I'm over it already LOL

Faith said...

Shicho, you made me laugh so hard on a rough, rough night. Bless your blessed male junk. ::bows to shicho::

faithstwin said...

I also bow to Shicho. Even if laughing, no matter what, is resulting in crying right now.

Amen, brothah, Aaaameeennnn. (Well done.)

*sssooobb*

Catherine VandeVelde said...

Great post. so true. so sad. dammit.

Shicho said...

Humor really is the best medicine...

Faith said...

When I got home last night, Leo was saying something about another 2 pounds that he lost this week. I refrained from ripping his balls off, and instead, I read him this post. I just don't understand you guys sometimes...::shaking head:: (But the humor really does help, so good call there, Shicho. :))