Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Um, today is TUESDAY, not Monday. Sheesh!

I couldn't decide what I wanted for lunch today. Nothing that was coming to mind sounded particularly fabulous, so I finally decided, at about 11:30, to just go out and drive until I came across something that worked for me. Or until I got desperate enough to just settle for a salad from the salad bar at the supermarket again. That's always my fallback lunch.

So I pull away from my office, and as soon as I'm on the busy street alongside my office building, a big ugly BUG lands on my arm. I freak the fuck out immediately, like ya do, and shook it off onto the passenger seat. It climbed around in a daze for a moment, but then started flapping it's wings again!

I pulled over into the first parking lot I could safely get to, screaming all the way at this bug and telling it to stay the FUCK away from me, and then I got out and opened both the driver door and passenger door, hoping it would fly away.

Nope.

Okaaaay, so my next step was to pull an ice/snow remover thingy from the trunk (I was driving Leo's car today while mine is at the shop, so it didn't have any of the handy-dandy napkins or other waveable materials that my car always has in it for occassions like bugs in places they shouldn't be) and went to find the bug sitting on the oh shit handle* on the passenger side of the car. The ice/snow remover thingy happens to have a handy brush on one end (because sometimes, it's not about clearing ice, but moreso about clearing fluffy snow from the windows), so I used that to help usher the bug to the outside world where it fucking belongs.

I checked everywhere, and it looked like the little dude had finally gotten the point, and left. So I closed the doors, and continued on my random drive to nowhere specific. I got the idea for the Blue Moose's smoked turkey cobb as I drove down the street a ways, so I called them and ordered, and then headed in that direction.

Meantime, I'm still glancing around, making sure that the car is still bug free. (Seriously, there are few things I have a bigger phobia of than being trapped in a small space with a flying bug. It's just one of my own personal nightmares, for some reason! Hell, I have issues with flying bugs when I'm out in the open air! Being stuck in a car with them = certain freak out for Faith.)

I get to the Moose in Leawood, and pick up my salad, and head back to the office. On my way there, that fucking bug comes out of NOWHERE, and buzzes past my hand into my face. I, again, freak the FUCK OUT, except now I'm getting very mad and almost crying at the same time. (Honestly, it's hard for me to properly express the fear/hate I have for flying bugs. Crying is a mild reaction, basically.) I flapped my hands around me to try to keep it from wanting to be in my area (because next to citronella, I would think that large, flapping, hard objects would be one of the main deterents to bugs, really), and hope that people around me don't think I'm having a seizure. I lost track of the bug, and thank GOD my signal changed and I was only about 100 feet from my parking lot by then, but a damned runner got in my way, so I was literally screaming "MOOOOOVE!" at him through the windows that I had opened in hopes that the outside air would attract the bug to it...

And then I felt the bug on my leg. Like, up my pants, you guys.

I don't think there are words to express how hard it was for me to drive, scream, try to stay calm enough to find a parking spot, and then LEAP out of my car almost all simultaneously once I felt that mutherfucking bug up my goddammed pant leg.

I had managed to shake it out, thank goodness, and then I went to TOWN killing it with the brush end of the snow remover thingy.

I'm pretty sure it's dead now. But I'll check again to be sure before I drive home today.

Then I came inside, unloaded my salad only to find that the server that packed it for me had conveniently forgotten to give me dressing for it. Awesome. (I gave her a decent tip, too! Stupid bitch...)

So I went down to our cafe to ask for whatever dressing they might have, and apparently, the dude in front of me had a problem noticing my whale-like presence behind him in line, so he stepped backward onto my foot before he figured out he wasn't alone in line. I screamed, he apologized, the counter chick came over to help me and asked me if I was ok as I muttered, "Could this day SUCK any more?" She gave me some dressing, and I returned to my desk to eat my now crappy $11 salad.

On top of all that, I am having an incredibly difficult day at work. Mostly due to my own idiocy, which doesn't help the matter much.

I'd like a do-over, please!


*If you don't know what an "oh shit handle" is, the definition in the Urban Dictionary might help: The handle in most passenger vehicles and trucks that is located in the interior of the vehicle above the door. So now you know. :)

1 comment:

christinag said...

Ummm, BTDT with a field mouse....EEEKS!! At least bugs don't have rabies! ;)