Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I blame Disney, really. When I think about it, I can blame Disney for a LOT of stuff.

So we, like most folks in the suburbs around Kansas City right now, are dealing with an irritating chipmunk infestation issue in our back yard. It's been bad in the past, with the chipmunks getting at our limited garden and kind of destroying a fair amount of it with impunity, but this year its becoming apparent that they plan on starting with the garden, and then moving on to the foundation, and possibly then to the kitchen, and maybe eventually moving on to the living room, and oh, were you guys planning on sitting there to watch TV? Because NOMNOMNOMNOM.

Leo has made it his mission to stop them. Stop them in their tracks. So he bought a trap. And then he caught a chipmunk, and went to dump it into a bucket of water (that's what we decided to do with ours...after he spoke to a dude in the hardware store who told Leo about how he's already caught about 65 of the suckers so far this year, and driving them all someplace to release them became relatively ridiculous), and of course the chipmunk just crawled out of the open cage door and ran the fuck away. ::sigh:: So I started thinking, "Hmm...maybe if we knocked the suckers out with a poison of some sort, or benadryl, or something, and then when he goes to dump them out, they just fall listlessly into the bucket, and inhale the water as they sleep, and everyone wins!" But there's only one poison aimed at chipmunks on the shelves at the local hardware store. And then we found a bucket big enough to stick the entire trap in, which would be conducive to drowning the suckers while they're still inside the cage, so we decided to get that instead.

And then last night, on our way home from dinner, Leo said something about being worried that the one chipmunk he caught that got away maybe went back to the chipmunk hangout, and probably told all the other chipmunks about the traps, and to stay away from them. Because he hadn't caught one at all since Saturday night.

::shaking head::

I told him that he needs to stop thinking of them being like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, and move on with life.

So he just called me a bit ago, and told me he'd killed his first chipmunk. He sounded sad. He sighed deeply. And while I appreciate his humanity, obviously, I reminded him that the chipmunks do not sit around and chat together in their down time. They don't have babies sitting back at home wondering where mom or dad is when they don't return to the holes they've dug under our foundation, and they don't all have a candlelight vigil after watching the Big Bad Human unceremoniously drown one of their own in a red bucket filled with water while it's still trapped in a cage and can't even defend itself.

It's a fucking rodent. The world will keep turning without it here, believe me.

I think he got his chin up a bit, and was all, "Yeah, ok. They're pests." And I said, "Yes! You don't feel bad when you kill a spider, right? It's like that, really. Just bigger."

And then he said, "But spiders eat bugs." And I was all, "Really? You wanna head off in that direction now? Yes, spiders eat bugs. I'm sure chipmunks do, too. But spiders aren't like Charlotte's Web, and chipmunks are little fuckers, so let's just move on accordingly, eh?"

Now we have the issue of what to do with the bodies after the chipmunks are dead. Any suggestions? We aren't doing a mass grave. Just tossing them in the trash could get gross. But is that what everyone else does? Help a sista out.

7 comments:

Nuke said...

At times like these, trust in SNL.

Yardapult, when you absolutely have to get rid of every motherfucking dead rodent, accept no substitutes.

(Funnier if you imagine it in Samuel L Jackson's voice)

"The D" said...

You are going to get in ssooo much trouble with the amimal rights people.

Catch a couple call animal control.

Or you could eat them. I sure Leo knows a good recipe for chipmunks.

Old Fart said...

Chipmunk Chili!

Just kidding. Maybe.

But spiders are beneficial. I refuse to kill spiders. Unless its a poisonous spider, then it's dead because I don't like big vet bills when one of the dogs get bit. I'll move a spider somewhere else if it's bothering Mrs Old Fart, but other than that it's live and let live.

Chipmunks serve no purpose... except maybe for Chili.

faithstwin said...

Hmmm- remember those neighbor fucktards who set off fireworks late the other night? The Renters? I'd say they suddenly wake up to a few dead chipmunks scattered around the front lawn.

Poor Leo- I'd feel terrible if I had to drown/kill any little critter, too. He didn't WATCH while it drown, did he?

Faith said...

No...the rule is to drop the cage in the water, and then WALK AWAY. Leave it for at least 5 minutes. Kind of like a lobstah.

He's not THAT fucked in the head yet, dude! :D

You guys, he was totally making jokes about chipmunk casseroles all weekend long. It about made me wretch every fucking time, so STOP IT! GOD.

Nuke, we totally have talked about just casually tossing the suckers into the neighbor's yard, since it's pretty much the official Yard Where Things Go to Die in our neighborhood anyway. But she's started to clean things up lately. And I'm afraid that if she sees our traps ever, and stumbles across a large amount of dead (drowned) chipmunks in her yard someday soon, she might put 2 and 2 together, and we'll be made!

Maybe if we catapult them over into the yard a couple of doors down, though...hmmmm.....

faithstwin said...

How can he act so girly yet walk away like a man is all I have to ask...

Catapult. Now there is an idea... I don't care where/what direction it goes in. The key word is 'experimental'... you know? It seems the area you live in may be that easy to manipulate?

We are VERY good at being right, you know...

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