Friday, August 27, 2010

Question: What do moles and bears have in common. No, not that kind of mole. Just read the post!

Leo is a moley guy. His torso is covered in moles.

Well, used to be anyway.

I can’t remember what started it, but he began having them removed and tested by dermatologists a couple of years ago. Someone initially referred him to a doctor that turned out to be out of network for us, which I was completely unaware of until I received a bill from them for $850 one month. At that point, he’d had 3 moles on his back removed and tested (one had been the step beyond “moderately advanced” so he had to have an additional amount dug out of it, if I recall correctly…the other two were ok as is, and the initial surgery took care of any danger they presented), And the doc had his eye on more, and I was all, “Yeeeaaah, we’re gonna find another dermatologist that’s in network to check you out after this, mkay?”

::shaking head:: (This all accompanied a very upset call to the doctor who hadn’t been billing us on an appointment basis, and they also hadn’t been telling Leo how much his procedures cost when he went in. They just took a copay, and happily moved on with life until they sent me a bill for 2 months’ worth of work all at once that said they required payment within 15 days. Um, a-fuck you. “I’ll pay you in 3 installments over the next 3 months,” I told their accountant. “Can you possibly do it in two insta…” “NO. 3 installments. You’re lucky if I don’t do it in 4!” Fucking morons…)

As I have melasma on my face, and needed to have a couple of questionable birthmarks on my arms reviewed, I went ahead and found a new derm for us that was between work and home, and was also in network. She was busy - I had to book my appointment 3 months out! - but I took that as an overall good sign that she was a pretty decent doctor. As I waited to meet her the first time, I sat in the exam room for about 10 minutes by myself, like ya do, and had a chance to look around. There were the normal posters and diagrams all over the walls. A jar of giant q-tips and some cotton balls sat on the countertop next to the flyers about melanoma and that sort of stuff.

And then there were 3 pictures on the counter. One was of a woman sitting at a picnic table that had a bear – like a bonafide, large brown bear in the wild – standing about 10 feet away.


The other two pictures were of bears, too. But if I remember correctly, they were just the bears in those photos. No lady plus bears.

Turned out that it was definitely my dermatologist in the picture with the bear and the picnic table. I really didn’t know what that was about. I just had to assume that the chick really likes bears, and move on with things, because she seemed busy, and I wanted to keep my questions to just being about dermatological issues.

I told Leo he should set up an appointment to see her when he got the chance. I told him to look for the bear photos. I told him to ASK about the bear photos if he was feeling brave enough. I really wanna know WTF is up with those bears!

So he started seeing this dermatologist about 2 months ago. He went in for the initial consultation, and they worked out a plan for removing the rest of the moles that she felt might be dangerous. Starting with one on his stomach and one on his rib cage area (one was cancerous, but they got it all out the first time, and the other was…just a mole. Oh. Good.), and then last week she got one on his right-lower back, and this week she got another on his left-lower back (it was a doozy...6 stitches!), and one on his left man boob.

Last night, I asked him if he’d asked about the bears yet. “No, but I asked her why she had 3 names.”

“Well, the first one is her first name, and then the middle one is likely her maiden name, and then her last name is her married name, dude. That's usually what that's about, anyway. Why would you ask her that?”

“I dunno. I just thought it was weird. So she told me about how she and the guy up front [he was referring to the guy who handles the money for the office…he sits in the reception area to collect our cash] are actually in love, and she’s separated from her husband right now because she and that guy are…”

“Wait a minute! She just told you all of this? Because you asked her about her 3 names? The fuck?" Thinking for a second... "Hey, does that guy only have one arm?”

“No, he has both arms.”

“Are you sure? It looked like his left arm was missing when I went in to pay that one bill the one time. Maybe a bear attacked him? Oh, are there pictures of bears in all the exam rooms? You’ve been in just about all of them now, I’d imagine.”

“He has both his arms. And yeah, there are pictures of bears in the other rooms, too. So anyway, they apparently went to high school together, and she had a crush on him then, but they went to different colleges, or something. Or she went to college, and he went and did something else, and she met her husband and married him. But they ran into each other again recently at the grocery store, and fell in love…”

“She seriously told you all of this? And she said they were "in love"? ::squinching up face:: WHEN?”

“Last week. Yeah, she told me while she was doing the removal.”

“It just seems really inappropriate, is all!”

“Yeah. Well, I just wanted to know why she had 3 names.”

“Dude, I coulda told you why she had 3 names! WHY DIDN’T YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THE BEARS?”

::Leo shrugs::

“Ok, you have another appointment, right? Can you ask her about the bears then? PLEASE?”

“Yeah. Ok.”

I cannot WAIT to find out what the fuck is up with all those bears. I’ll fill you all in when I find out, promise.

1 comment:

Average Jane said...

That is hilarious! I'm dying to know about the bears now, too.