Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Anxiety about my anxiety about flying. Oof...

This month is the last "quiet" one that Leo and I will have before we kick our holiday season into high gear, starting early with a wedding in California in October.

After that, we'll head to his parents' house in Indiana for Thanksgiving.

And then we'll be in California again with my family for Christmas.

It's the nature of the beast, when it comes to the holidays. Would I prefer to spend them here in KC? Yes and no. It's been a long time since we've been up to Leo's home town, and have had a chance to visit with family and friends there. Because of my dad's health issues in his last year, we spent much of my vacation time on trips to California. Bless Leo's heart for being so awesome about that...

And in that same regard, the fact that I've been able to spend a little time here and there with my siblings since dad passed has been wonderful. I honestly don't want to be away from them at Christmas this year. I'm having a hard enough time driving to work some days, because it's the same route I was on the last time I spoke to dad. Every time...every stinking time!...I sit at the signal at 91st and Nall, I remember how I laughed at his suggestion that I needed to warn Leo to treat me right, or he was going to have to answer to him! "Dad! I think you have that backwards, though. Poor Leo is STUCK with me!" And we laughed together and he told me he was proud of me one last time.

::holds back tears by sipping Diet Coke::

Anyway, I need to spend Christmas with my family. I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to ALL of it!

Except...the flying.

I used to fly for work back in 1998, going back and forth to Chicago from LA every week for a couple of months until my job got reassigned and I only had to do it once a month for a bit, working the rest of the time from my little crappy computer desk in my apartment in Carlsbad. Then I started flying all over the country as my company rolled out a new payroll system to their branch offices, and I was one of 8 trainers that was deployed to watch over everything while the systems were implemented. For around 8 or 9 months, I was a professional traveler, and I'd had to come to terms with my deep dislike for flying. Thankfully, around that time was when certain airlines started providing a link to the chatter between the cockpit and the towers on the ground. I became really familiar with what different levels of chop felt like, and how the pilots dealt with the turbulence when they encountered it. I also got really used to timing how long it would last, based on their conversations with the tower folks. It was very little to go by, but it helped.

And then I met that pilot a while back who told me that turbulence really isn't all that big of a deal when it comes to flying a plane. They don't lose control,'s just uncomfortable to fly the plane under those conditions. Like driving a big truck off-road without any shocks, was how he put it.

That helped a little, too.

But it isn't just about the unsettled air, or the possibility of birds being sucked into the engine, or whatever. It's all the people. Nothing can take that issue away! Aside from a private jet, and I'm just not near that tax bracket, is all. (Also, little planes scare me more than big ones! So fuck that!) All the people...all of the strangers that are involved in the process of flying from point A to point B really suck the energy out of me. And flying during the holiday season just exponentially compounds that issue by about a gazillion percent, is all.

Someone hand me a paper bag before I pass out just thinking about it!

So I need to do something to help combat not just the travel and the additional human beings I'll have to come into the proximity of throughout all this flying...I need help with the anxiety of just preparing for it, it seems. I've tried to set up travel for October 3 times now, and something has always come up to interrupt it, and then I just move on with my day. La la la...

I also think it wouldn't be so bad to be medicated for at least the trip to the in-laws for Thanksgiving. Alcohol can only do so much, and sometimes, I'm just not in the mood for it, to be honest.

I need xanax, I think. How do I get some xanax? Just call my doctor and ask for it? Do I have to go through a psychiatrist to get some? Could I get it through my neurologist, maybe? I have to see him soon, anyway, so why not kill two birds with one stone?

Anyone who knows the answer to this query, please let me know. I'm about ready to make some phone calls, but just thinking about it is making me nauseous for some reason. Good lord, I'm a mess...


faithstwin said...

Yup- druuuugs. I bet 5 benadryl will do the job. ;P Just kidding- don't do that. But I imagine your dr might be able to help if not giving you a prescrip for something then sending you in the right direction.

Or you could just keep focused on the fact that you will be in my presence for a few days. How is that not enough!?

Canis Majoris said...

Just take some Nyqil. You'll sleep right through the flight and the people won't bother you. Piece of cake. Or, as your sister proposes, Benadryl will work fine as well.

Faith said...

Oh,'re coming to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, too, Twin? Well, that'll be a partay, then!


It's not just October. That's my point. I'm stressed over the whole damned season. I'm glad there's almost two months between the travel in October and then Thanksgiving, and the flight for Thanksgiving is short, so there's that advantage, too.

I'm trying to look at the bright side!

I can't take a drug that ill knock me out, Canis. Unfortunately, all the flying we'll be doing involves nothing more than 3 hour long legs, so if I take NyQuil, or something like that, I'll have to wake up and climb off the plane, transfer to another plane, and then I'll probly be a zombie for the longer leg of the flight.

I need something to help with the anxiousness. And not just for the's about dealing with the people involved, too. Moreso with the in-laws than with my own family (father in law is a religious zealot who thinks that Leo and I are basically giving God the finger by not wanting to have babies...), but still, it'd be helpful all around, I'd think.

statia said...

A visit to your PCP will do the trick. Just tell him your disdain/fear of flying and how it makes you super anxious, and BAM. You'll get an rx for benzos.

You know my loathe and fear of flying. I don't care how "uncomfortable" turbulence is. It still sets me off.