Thursday, September 02, 2010

I like to make s'mores on the stove top, personally...

I don’t do well around wildlife.

I’m not a camper for a reason…it’s just a thin veil of material between me and the ground, or the air, or the trees that might be housing a lion of some sort or a bear just waiting for me to fall asleep so it can come grab me by the arm and drag me off to eat me behind a rock.

I’m very plump and I’d be hard to pass up, I’d think, when it comes to a bear and what it likes to eat.

So at 4:30 this morning, when the dogs had been dancing their little “outside, outside, OUTSIDE MUTHERFUCKER!!!” dance for a good 25 minutes or so, I finally got up to let them out. I was awake. Why torture them, I figured?

Jake did seem really excited about something, though. Usually, when it comes to shitting, he doesn’t get that way. Usually, he gets like that because he’s magically managed to ascertain that there is an animal of some sort creeping about in our back yard, and he wants to go welcome them in his own fabulous way. (I.e. by snapping their neck, and playing with their carcass.)

So I opened the door, and Jake and Izzy ran outside to sit at the edge of the deck and look over the yard before they made their respective moves. I was pretty sure there was something out there Jake wanted to play with, but Izzy clearly needed to go to the bathroom, so I decided to head back in the bedroom and lie down to wait for them. But I didn’t get the chance. As I headed back to the bedroom, I heard them both barking MADLY at something. Like, the crazy-ass barking had been broken out, and they usually save that for the mailman. I doubted that the mailman was in our backyard at 4:30 a.m., so I went back to the door immediately, and opened it a teeny bit (MOTHS!) and yell-whispered, “HEY! Heeeey! Stop it! Jake, Izzy, get back in here!

Surprisingly, that didn’t work. So I went to grab my robe (I was in undies and a sleep bra, so the robe was necessary if I was gonna have to actually go outside), and ran back to the back door to try again. “JAKE. Jaaake! HEY!” He wasn’t listening. Dude was BALLISTIC. And then I heard growling accompanying the barking. I went out on the deck and saw that Jake was at the corner of the addition barking madly at something behind the potted plants we have alongside the deck. Izzy was barking too, but she was being efficient, at least…she was also going to the bathroom. Puppy multi-tasking at it’s finest!

But the frightening thing was there was something else there, growling and hissing at Jake, and snapping at his little head! AUGH! I fah-reaked out, ran back in the house screaming, “LEO! LEO, THERE’S SOMETHING ATTACKING JAKE, AND HE WON’T COME INSIDE OHMYGOD PLEASE COME AND HELP HE’S GOING TO GET EATEN BY IT! I THINK IT’S A POSSUM OR A RACCOON, AND IT’S HUGE! HELP!!!!”

Leo is a heavy sleeper, but when I scream in terror, I actually sound like a girl instead of the bitchy robot I sound like when I scream in anger, and he was out of bed in a flash. (Now I know how to deal with that kind of thing in the future, I guess…handy!) He ran out of the bedroom with me chasing him down the hall with a robe saying, “Wait, you can’t go out there in your underwear! Put on a robe! Oh my god…” But he was already out the door. And a second later, the dogs were back inside, and he followed close behind. So hopefully, if anyone was woken and drawn to look out their window at the barking dogs, the screaming woman, and happened to catch the scantily-clad husband, they enjoyed the show. (He has nice legs, so maybe?)

Jake looked terrified. He was absolutely stunned by what had happened. I calmed him down, and dried his little paws (his fur soaks up water like a sponge when he goes out after rain, or when the grass is dewy, so we’re used to just drying him off when he comes back in) and gave him hugs, and he looked at me with a “WTF just HAPPENED?” kind of look. And then I dried Izzy, and we all went back to bed together and he was ok again.

I really think it had to be terrible for the little guy! He’s so used to either chasing a squirrel up a tree and not being able to catch it, or grabbing a bunny, whipping it quickly and snapping it’s neck (or having it play dead and ignore him trying to “play” with it), that having something actually snap at him and attack back? It just wasn’t in his playbook up till now.

And to be honest, it wasn’t in mine, either. I still don’t know what the fuck that thing was, but had it actually bitten my dog? Whatever it was, heads would be rolling right now.

Ugh…it’s not like we have trash in our backyard! I hope that if Leo gets rid of his rotten tomato plant, it will take care of the problem. I can’t imagine what else it might’ve been attracted to. Anyone know what a raccoon or a possum might be looking for around a backyard? We have the dead tomato plant (don't ask me why, srsly), a couple of pepper plants (like spicy peppers, not sweet ones), and lots of herbs. But that’s about it. So, wtf???


Fred Sanford said...

Sounds like TKC was by foraging for food; get Jake checked for rabies immediately.

Stephanie @ Confessions of a Trophy Wife said...

ZOMG that's scary! I'm glad he's okay!

faithstwin said...

I thought about that, too, Fred.

Maybe you should go have him checked, Twin. And next time try and get this all on video, please. Starting from when you startled Leo out of bed- sounds like it would have been hilarious to the outside watcher.

And YEAH get rid of the rotten tomato plant!

christinag said...

We had a possum, that alternately entranced and frightened our beagle. Fortunately, it moved on. The wildlife people told me that possum rarely have rabies, and we never saw it again after that day.

Ground squirrels/moles on the other hand....but they aren't out during the day when our dog is out.