Wednesday, March 23, 2011

If I had one wish, not gonna lie...I'd be *totally* selfish.

Me: I've decided that if I had one wish granted to me, it would be to have perfect shit. Shit that didn't hurt, wasn't difficult, comes out clean and happy, and that's it. That's my wish.

Leo: THAT would be your wish? It's about shitting?

Me: Um, HI. Do you know me? Have you met me yet? YES, my wish would be for perfect shit.

Leo: I don't get it.

Me: Well, you know how you hate it when you have a bad shit? Like, when you swear you're sick or you ate something bad, or whatever? And you walk around here sulking like it's the end of the world?

Leo: Yeaahh...?

Me: Ok, imagine that happening to you FOUR TIMES A DAY. And then tell me that it would be a wasted wish to wish for perfect shit.

Leo: ...

Me: Yeah. So that'd be my wish. I fucking HATE my shit. I wish I had nice shit all the time. You people who don't have IBS or just irritated stomach for whatever reason just slay me. You could never understand what it's like to be me...

(Did we really have this conversation? Why yes. Yes, we did. After I'd had to have him pause the TV for the 3rd time in an hour after we got home from dinner so I could go to the bathroom AGAIN. ::sigh::)

3 comments:

Ms. Pants said...

My one wish would be a metabolism. And if I get to choose, a really really fucking fast one.

As for shitting-- Amy and I have all sorts of geographical euphamisms for the different kinds of shits.
A: "I gotta travel. BRB."
......
S: "Where did you go?"
A: "The Amazon. Damn taco bell."

(Amazon = ass pee.)

c'mon, you wanted to know that.

Faith said...

A: "I gotta travel. BRB."
......
S: "Where did you go?"
A: "The Amazon. Damn taco bell."

(Amazon = ass pee.)


I am SO stealing this. It's just perfect, is all. :D

faithstwin said...

I am officially blind. Thanks. Now you have to describe all the white trash loveliness this weekend. Way to go on the timing of this post. =P