Friday, June 24, 2011

You didn't think it would end THERE, did ya? Naaahhh...

So with regards to this moron mover guy that I'm dealing with...the other day, I showed y'all an email I sent to my realtor as a back up of my recommendation to her that she stop recommending him as a mover.

And then yesterday, he and I were "discussing" his possession of our stuff, even though we've paid him for the move, and we should have received all of our items last week. He doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong. Leo and I would beg to differ.

The police suggested that I not let him brush me off. That I continue to text him/try to contact him by phone until he agreed to deliver our items on a date that we gave him as an option. Not a problem! I can do that. :D

So last night, I was texting him to let him know that the damage to our bookcase is much more extensive than just a pane of glass needing to be replaced, but actually both top sliding doors were damaged, and need to be repaired by a cabinet expert. I told him I would be getting an estimate for the repair costs from a cabinet maker I trust and know.

He replied, "We will be going through my insurance to fix any and all claims. Thank you & Have A Great Vacation!!"

Suddenly, my Great Vacation is a book title, or something. Who knows...

Anyway, that pissed me off. I continued on with my texting him info saying, "We also went to grill last night, and found that the moving crew decided to move the grill with the propane attached. It tipped over, and opened the line. Which emptied our tank. And the grill cover has two holes in it, which were not there prior to the move. The grill cover needs to be weatherproof, so that needs to be replaced. Please stop telling me to have a "great vacation". Its condescending, and really dismissive. I'm tired of u treating me like I'm troubling YOU, when you have caused me so much undue stress! Its beyond rude!"

I continued, "Going through your insurance huh? Funny how I didn't hear anything about that until I contacted YOU about the issues! I wonder how long it will be before I actually have a fixed cabinet if I let you handle the issue!?"

He didn't respond to any of that. Not that I expected it.

So this morning, I sent a follow-up, just to wake him up and make sure he knew I wasn't going away yet. I said, "I'd like to know if you agree to my request for you to deliver our items on July 5th, please. I'll contact you on the 4th to find out a time for the delivery."

No response, so an hour later I said, "Please advise on the July 5th delivery of our items."

He replied, "Call me on the 4th."

I said, "I will do that, in order to set up the delivery time for the 5th. Please confirm that you will deliver our items on the 5th."

He replied (you guys are gonna love this!), "I'm going to confirm that I'm not working or dealing with any work while I'm on vacation with my daughter. I will look forward to your call on the 4th. Thank you."

Do you hear that banging sound? Yeah, it's my head on my desk.

So I wrote back, "Unbelievable. You don't actually know if you have our items, do you? I'd like confirmation of their delivery on the 5th, please. You should be able to do that, if you were initially planning to bring them on the 28th. Since you're not giving me an answer, I'm assuming you don't have my items."

No response.

I continued, "If you can confirm a delivery date of July 5th, then I will not contact you again until the 4th, at which point we can arrange a delivery time. Otherwise, I will continue to attempt to contact you."

No response.

I wrote again 45 minutes later, "If you don't confirm the fact that you will be delivering the remainder of our items on July 5th, I will assume you do not have them, and will just go to the courthouse on the 5th instead to file my small claims suit against you. Please advise on whether you will be delivering them on the 5th or not."

And then I said, "I'll remind you that YOU are the one who took off on vacation before completing our move. None of this is my fault. I had no idea you would be unavailable for over a week after our move. So please stop ignoring me, and respond to my questions, sir."

No response.

So I continued, "Joeb, my request is a simple one to manage. Will you be delivering our items on July 5th? Yes or no?"

Finally, he responds...shockingly, with excuses and more bullshit about his fucking vacation! "I was away from my phone because I'm on vacation. I will look forward to your call on the 4th about the 5th. Once again I am going back to the water. Talk to you then. Thank you."

::tears a phone book in half to vent frustration::

I reply, "I've asked you a very specific question that you aren't answering. Are you going to deliver our items on the 5th? If not, then I will be pursuing a different route of contact with you, specifically through the use of a summons to court. Please advise! Will we receive our items??? Why is this so hard to answer?"

Finally!!! He answers the question. ::fist pump:: "Yes! I will talk to you later. I'm on vacation [::tearing into 2nd phone book::] & not concerning myself with work anymore until I return. Thank you & Have a Great Vacation yourself!"

I couldn't let it go without responding to his mutherfucking stupidass excuses and dumbassery about his vacation, though. "I don't know if you noticed, but you didn't really concern yourself with work when you weren't on vacation. Thanks for FINALLY answering my question. I'll be in touch."

Game. Set. MATCH.

Anyone have a margarita I can down in 2 seconds???

Thursday, June 23, 2011

He's still on vacation! How *lucky* for him!!!

My mover is still on vacation, apparently.

I think he might be a little retarded.

He did not call me today, as promised. So I texted him to see what his next step would be. He apologized, but said he "didn't have anything scheduled" so his kid came down for the rest of the weekend.

I didn't know what that meant, really. So I told him we want our stuff. He said he could return it next Tuesday. I said we were going on vacation as of Monday, and I want the items tomorrow or Saturday. He said he was sorry, but no can do!

We went on like that for a little while. He kept giving me excuses as to why it's been a week and he hasn't given us the rest of our things, and I kept telling him that I don't accept excuses, and he needed to find a way to get those things into my hands. Here's part of that exchange:

"Joeb, you have ignored me/us before. Its not something I'd recommend you continue to do! Please tell me what you're doing to resolve this issue in the time frame I offered."

He wrote back, "I'm thinking."

And then I didn't hear anything for 45 minutes. So I texted him again, "Its been 45 minutes. Please advise."

And he said, "I have made calls, waiting to see if I can pull off a couple of favors. I'm waiting for a call back. That's about all I can do at this point."

I said, "If I don't have a confirmation of a time of delivery either fri or sat this week for our items by 3:30 p.m., I'm contacting the authorities. Just fyi."

And then I continued, "You can rent a truck from home depot to bring them back to us! You can rent a uhail, you can borrow a buddy's truck...I don't understand what the issue is! You have LOTS of options!"

And finally, it came out..."The issue is I'm still on vacation, I will not be delivering your items before I return. I have the keys to the storage & my crew is in arkansas."

And I said, "I knew it. You're still at the lake, even though you knew this was an issue all week long. I'm calling the bank to try to stop payment on the check, and I'm calling the police to see what they advise me to do in this situation. YOU HAVE OUR ITEMS that we PAID YOU TO MOVE to our new house. You are holding them illegally right now!"

He replied, in the middle of all that, "I have done nothing wrong and the authorities would let you know that. I'm sorry for the inconvenience and I hope you have a great vacation!"


I continued on, "This is no way to operate a successful business, joeb. Ignoring your customers, taking their items and not giving them back, leaving during the job to cash the check for payment, not completing the job after taking money for it...I'm going to the BBB next, and writing reviews everywhere I can. This is abominable!"

He wasn't responding, so I kept texting him, "I'm waiting for the police to call me back, btw. I'm telling them that I paid you for the contract as agreed, and you decided to keep several of our items. And we'll just see where it goes from there."

He finally said, "We both know I did not decide to keep your items. This is not uncommon in the moving industry. I'm on vacation & will resolve the matter when I return. Hope you have a great vacation too!"

Oh, fuck OFF, you moron!!!

I replied, "You're terrible at this moving thing, is all. TERRIBLE! I don't think you truly understand the concept of what your job is. If you're at the lake, you should be driving back right now to get us the items you have taken from us. This isn't common in the least. Not a way to run a business!"

So I spoke to the police, and their advice in this situation, especially since this jackwad tried to give us a box of stuff that didn't even belong to us, is to see if he can deliver the items after our vacation, as promised, and if not, then press charges against the company.

I then texted Joeb to let him know, "See, the issue is, you tried to give US a box of stuff that didn't belong to us. So how do I know you haven't done that with our items? And you're not just lying now? I've contacted the DA's office, and I can open an investigation into your business and its possible illegal practices, according to them. We get back from our vacation on July 4th. I will contact you that night to set up a time on the 5th for our items to be delivered. And if you fail to do that, I'm taking you to small claims court, and contacting the police to file a report."

I hope HE has a lovely last few days at the lake himself. Dumbass...

Does anyone else do stupid stuff like this?

So I have this tendency, now and again, to get lunch from someplace (usually Panera), and then after I'm done eating, I'll look up the calories and fat content on their website for the items I just shoved down my gullet.

MOST of the time, I look before I go.

But there are days, here and there, where I head out without a specific agenda. Today is such a beautiful day, I left the office to enjoy it a bit, and to go check out the sale at JC Penney, since we need some linens and bed coverings and things, and saw that it was just as awesome as I expected it to be. And then when I was done there, I thought about lunch.

Get a salad at the grocery store? Nah...not in the mood to deal with the salad bar today.

Mini-pizza from Schlotskys? reason. Just, no.

And then I thought, "OOH! Panera! Totally in the mood for them to make a salad for me." And went there.

They do have the calories for a lot of their items actually printed on the menu board now, I noticed. That was interesting. But I didn't notice it until I'd already begun ordering. So I looked up my calories just now, and I made a decent choice, really. (If I hadn't also eaten the hunk of bread that I chose as my side item. ::slaps back of own hand::)

Anyway, why do I do that? I guess I know now that I should take a walk this afternoon to help burn a few extra calories, right? ::sigh::

I'm weird.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

If you hadn't noticed...

...I'm pretty much sapped for content right now. I'll go ahead and post a letter I wrote to my realtor last week about our experience with the mover she recommended to us, since it kind of explains the bit o' hell we've been dealing with, in one regard anyway, and since it's informative and somewhat entertaining, I'd think. You know, to people who don't have to deal with this kind of incompetence, anyway...

Hi Elizabeth! Well, we moved to our new house successfully, and are still getting things fixed up, but man…it is SUCH an awesome feeling to be pretty much done with it all. THANK YOU for everything you and your office did to help us achieve our goals with our new house and our old one. You were amazing and obviously, we couldn’t have done it without you.

I wanted to give you some additional feedback about our experience with [Mover Dude] at [redacted, for the time being], though. Just for future reference.

We finally received the additional boxes we’d been asking for for two weeks after I arrived home at 6:30 p.m. on Tuesday night, the night before our scheduled move. As I explained to you, [Mover Dude] said that it is his plan to change the part of the contract that says anything about providing moving supplies, but I have to admit, it was one of the reasons we chose to work with him. If he takes that option away from folks, he should pack it in and move on to a new career. Here are some reasons why:

When he realized that they wouldn’t be able to fit all of our items into the truck he’d rented for the move, and would have to make a 2nd trip, he said something to Leo about “going ahead and doing that for us” since he’d been so much trouble with the boxes. I’m sorry, but it was his own damned fault that he didn’t rent a truck large enough to handle our furnishings, so for him to say that? Let’s just say it didn’t set things off on the right foot.

He brought along two other men, and one woman to help with the move. The woman was really nice. But she was wearing flip flops and short shorts. She was moving our items in that outfit. On stairs in our house that were covered in tarps due to construction. It was a little unsettling.

They arrived at the new house at about 12:30 or 12:45, and we took care of payment right off the bat. At about 2:30, [Mover Dude] left in the middle of moving the items out of the truck (Leo took over for him) to go deposit my check at the bank. Can you picture my shocked face? Because it’s what I’m wearing right now.

After he returned, they finished our first batch of the move by moving the large bookcase we had in our living room. It somewhat conveniently comes apart into a top and bottom half. When they took it apart, they didn’t prepare for the upper doors on the unit to fall off. And they both hit the floor of the truck with one panel of glass shattering in the process.

We discovered while [Mover Dude] was gone that we had a “mystery” box (it was unlabeled by us, and was labeled “sewing room” by someone that had used it before. But we labeled all of our boxes clearly, so we didn’t know what was up with it), and also found that one of the two wardrobe boxes that we packed for storage back in April was not on the truck. The mystery box turned out to belong to someone else. And I have no idea where our other wardrobe box is at. [Mover Dude] didn’t really say anything about finding it when we told him it wasn’t there.

And then he left. Apparently, a guy that had been working for him previously, a 17 year old, was in a motorcycle accident last week, and he and his girlfriend (the one in the flip flops) were going to go see him in the hospital. He gave the remaining two guys instructions for how to drive the truck, and what to pick up and stuff in the 2nd batch at our old house, and told me that because of the trouble, and the breaking of the bookcase, he had instructed them to go ahead and pick up the planters and other outdoor items of Leo's that he had previously said they weren’t going to move for us.

So, they were going to move items that belonged to us? Like movers are supposed to do??? Gee, THANKS.

When the guys got back to the new house with the 2nd load of items, they backed into a tree branch on one of our trees over on the driveway side of the house. Broke it. They clearly didn’t know how to drive the truck. And hell, I’VE driven a truck that size before LOTS of times for moves. I could have done it for them, for chrissakes.

He’s a moron, Elizabeth. The guy isn’t professional at all. I still don’t know where my missing wardrobe box is (it’s full of winter clothes, but has my really nice coats and stuff in it!), and I’ll be surprised if my broken pane of glass from my bookcase is going to get fixed without me bugging the shit out of him.

That’s all done and over, though, and I WILL be bothering [Mover Dude] to find out where our missing wardrobe is, and how he plans to fix the pane of glass they broke. But I wouldn’t recommend him to my worst enemy.

Now that we’re all done with the move, though, we’re working on fixing up the house. Hopefully we’ll have it done in the next few days, and you have to come over and see it once we have all the lighting and the furnishing and everything put together. I’ll let you know when it’s all ready to go!

In the meantime, thank you thank you thank you! It was really fun working with you, and I hope we weren’t too huge of a pain in the ass for ya!

Follow up on the Mover Dude: I sent him a text last Thursday that said, "...when will we get our missing items? We r missing that one wardrobe, and just realized we only have 2 kitchen chairs. And what's the plan for fixing the bookcase?"

He didn't reply. Shocking.

I called him on Friday, and left him a follow up message. Which he, again, didn't reply to.

On Saturday, I texted him again: "...I would like a reply from u about our mising items (which we also noticed a CD stand that's gone as well) and our broken glass. Please advise."

FINALLY, he responded: "I'm sorry, I'm at the lake. I will be back on Wednesday. I know exactly where your items are & I will be calling you on Thursday." I replied, "Awesome. Thanks."

Who wants to make bets that I don't hear from the guy without calling him myself tomorrow???

Fucking stupid, dammit. We were dumb, too. Should have kept a detailed list of everything he took to storage. We were just so busy with wanting to get the house ready to be put on the market and all...we got stupid with it. Grrrrrr! Never. again.

Friday, June 17, 2011

It happens around Father's Day, too.

So around Mother's Day, I told y'all about my tendency to respond (internally) to the influx of emails and other items that are reminding us all that A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO YOU. CELEBRATE HER, DAMMIT!!! You know, 'cause that's kinda hard to forget without the reminder.

So the same thing happens around Father's Day, but not as's just been too short of a period of time since I lost dad, and my brain doesn't work that way all the time when it comes to him, yet. Give it about 5 years. And then he'll get the same irreverent mocking from my brain that mom does. It's only fair!

Today, I got an email from Pizza Hut saying to "Make Dad proud" and take advantage of some $15 pizza offer they had. I deleted it, but not before my brain said, "Man, do you NOT know my dad! Dude thought pizza was nothing more than a snack, and also, he wouldn't be all that proud of me eating it, I don't think. ::looks down at belly::"

He's still in the forefront of my mind almost all the time. Even if it is sometimes in a judgy way. It wouldn't be him without the teeny tinge of judgement!

I miss him. Best dad in the world...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

UPDATE: Holy christos, man.

The guy in the cube next to mine has been consistently clearing his throat or coughing every 30 - 40 seconds ever since I got back from a break at lunch.

I'm ready to kill him at this point. Good fucking lord...

Update: It's now Friday. And the throat clearing/coughing is still happening in the cube next to me. I'm going to warn my boss that if there's a corpse in that cube on Monday, it's his own damned fault for not letting me go home early today...

The Move is Over

Jake is trying to adjust to the new place...
The rest of us are, too. We're out of our old house, not without a fair amount of difficulty from the mover, who really could only be described best as a total idiot. But they only broke 1 glass panelled door, lost one wardrobe full of winter clothes that was in storage, backed into one tree, and tried to give us a box full of stuff that didn't belong to us. But one broke a leg or neck while they were walking down the basement stairs BACKWARDS with a desk in their hands. (Just the one dude. Not one dude on one end, and another dude on the other end. Just one. Walking backwards. Down some steps. Carrying a large item. Awesomeness.) So I guess it was a success? ::sigh::

I'm tired. And I look oh, so pretty. BUT I'm at work, in a clean environment. Without the stress of having to deal with contractors or anything. PHEW.

I'll follow up with pictures from the new place soon. Just have to get the computer set up and all so I can download them. Maybe tomorrow...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Breakdown achieved

It's 12 p.m. and I still don't have the boxes the mover promised me.

My stomach is churning constantly with the stress.

Leo is down at the new house trying to get at least one room ready for shit to be moved into it tomorrow.

I broke down and sobbed when I was on the phone with him a little while ago, and then my realtor was at my door and the dogs were going ballistic, so I went out onto the porch and cried at her for a little bit (and told her not to recommend the mover to anyone else because he sucks at life), and then came inside and calmed down.

And now I'm trying to figure out WTF I'm supposed to do next. My head is a jumble.

I cannot WAIT until this week is over.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I'll do what I can to not lose my mind this week...

This is the week we move into our new house. And leave the old one.

- The mover hasn't given us the boxes we've been requesting for 2 weeks. We need more boxes! I just spoke to him about why I didn't get them as promised on Saturday morning, and he told me that the guy driving the truck stopped to fuel up, and put in regular gasoline instead of diesel. In a diesel engine.


So that kind of fucked things up that day. And then he told me that he needs to work in a better part of the contract about not dropping off extra boxes after the first drop. Um, no? I'm paying you $3000 to move my ass, and you will bring me more boxes when I realize that you didn't give me enough in the 1st place, asshole. That's what it means to provide a "moving service"! Jeezy chreezy on a cracker...

- The new house has had almost all the popcorn ceilings scraped off. Just not in the great room because the vaulted ceilings require scaffolding (is that how that's spelled? I dunno...) to reach them, and the dude with the scaffolding didn't make it down last week, so now they aren't starting until today, and oh, WE MOVE IN ON WEDNESDAY.

I just told my girlfriends that it's like an HGTV remodel show came in, tore everything up, and then left one contractor behind to fix it all again. And we have 24 hours left.

I'm mildly stressed. That's all.

- Leo gets home tonight, and we'll get back to packing, and then wait for more boxes to arrive (even though my expensive mover didn't want to give them to us, apparently. Which would have been good to know around, oh, I don't know...TWO WEEKS AGO when we started asking for them!), and then pack some more.

I can't wait till this is all done, y'all. I'll take pictures of the mess, so you can see what I mean. Oh, and I have a final walk-through with the buyers at our house on Wednesday afternoon, after we move out. I'm just not looking forward to that. ::sigh::

And today is the anniversary of my mother's death. Vunderbar.

I need a margarita. A big, strong one, yo...

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Something that cheers me up!

I drove past the new Trader Joe's location down at 119th and Roe the other day, and the SIGN IS UP! I cannot WAIT for them to open. WOOHOO.

In other news, we salvaged the sale of our home by giving in to the fucking insanity of the buyers. We were both just sick over the thought of it all...them walking away, us having to maybe go through all that again, not having the money from the sale like we expected, etc, we just fucking gave up. We're moving on.

I feel much better today. Even though it was pretty shitty what they did to us. I almost feel bad subjecting our awesome neighbors to them, because obviously, they're made of evil, and don't really care about human beings other than themselves. But that's ok. I'm trying to let it all go.

And also, somehow, all that crazy helped me lose 2 pounds yesterday, so, yeah. Whatever.

I have subtle plans for ways to get back at them. Nothing that will get us in trouble, of course. But plans all the same. ;)

Today, I'm going to enjoy an afternoon of Royals baseball that my boss is treating a bunch of his team to. And try not to think about people being assholes. So tired of people just sucking the life out of me...

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

People suck.

Looks like the sale on our old house is falling through.


I'm going into hermit mode for a bit, I think. Goddammit...

Monday, June 06, 2011

And the day was going so well, too...

Shit. The appraisal on our house came in low.

Probably due to the fact that the appraiser is a fucking douche, but whatever.

Anyway, I'm waiting to hear back on how the buyers want to proceed. Hopefully, we can work something out. ::sigh::

And then at work, we have a new dude starting next week. I found a space for him to sit in, and felt pretty damned proud of myself for finding it, too! We're really tight on space right now, and are waiting for a big team to move out and make room for more of our team. But it won't happen until the end of June, probably. In the mean time, if I find an open cube, I snatch it up!

Well, the hiring manager just came over to my desk a little while ago, and told me that the cube I assigned the new hire to belonged to a dude that died quite suddenly a few weeks ago.

I hate to be callous, but I was all, "Um, well, it's an open cube!"

He asked if maybe I could find something else instead. I told him I'd do my best, but no guarantees! At the very worst, he'd only have to sit there for a week and a half or so before we do our move. Still, he's apparently uncomfy with the fact that this other guy's old team is still all around in that area, and is afraid of how they might feel with someone sitting there.

Totally understandable. But still...why today?

I need wine.

Friday, June 03, 2011

*Does happy dance*

So we closed on our new house this morning. It's all ours now!

Yaaaaayyyy! (I'm totally painting that red door another color, by the way. I usually love a red door, but on this house, it's bugging me for some reason. We'll see how I feel after a week with it, or so...)

I love the high ceilings, and the fireplaces, and the basement, and the lovely fence...

But I especially love THIS:

Seriously, I'm feeling so lucky right now.

Anyway, we have a weird circumstance with the sellers where they won't actually be moving out until next Tuesday. But I'm over that...sort of. So I won't rehash the whole thing here again. Suffice to say, they're in a bind, we're not, so I'm being a good person and letting them live in our house for an extra 4 days. Karma should thank me, I suppose. Or maybe it already has, and this is me returning the favor? I dunno.

Anyway, WEEEEEEEEEE! I'm feeling happy, yo. :D

Thursday, June 02, 2011 it 1978 again? ::looks around warily::

This morning as we left our neighborhood on our way to work, my carpooling neighbor and I saw that some genius artist in the making had tagged the STOP sign on the corner.

"STOP POOPING?" my nieghbor exclaimed.

And I said, "Man, that doesn't even make sense. It's not even possible! I've totally tried!"

Obviously, the hooligans in our neighborhood need to get out more. Or stay home more. Or...just fuck off. I dunno. The following STOP sign had a "B" written on it under the "STOP" letters. God only knows what THAT one wanted us to stop doing!

(I'm open to guesses.)

When I was little, the STOP signs around town all had the "STOP DISCO" on them. That made little sense to me at the time, but to be fair, we were just exiting the disco age at that point in time, and it wasn't as relevant to me as it might've been to my older brother and sisters, or our parents. Besides, I rather like disco, so those people were just party-poopers, if you ask me.



Anyway, it could've been worse. It could've said "STOP SHITTING", and it didn't. It also could've said "STOP FUCKING" which would be sacrilege. And also would've been much more offensive in the long run. So I guess we can count our lucky stars that we have such geeky hooligans in our neighborhood.

But man did that bring back memories...

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

MYYYY kind of town....

So, Chicago. Chicago is not my most favorite place on earth, let me start off saying. I'm not big on city livin', even though it has multitudes of convenience and awesomeness associated with it, I am somewhat of a people-phobe. I don't like 'em much. I like the ones I know and love, mind you...but strangers? Meh.

There are a LOT of strangers in Chicago.

That said, this weekend was a fun one. Big cities like Chicago are best given to me in little doses like 3 or 4 days, and it was a happy 3 days, indeed.

We started off by getting in earlier Saturday morning, and then met up with Leo's brother and headed to Armitage to see my friend Nini's aunt's artwork. It was fucking INCREDIBLE. Bottlecap art. She made this self-portrait out of fucking BOTTLECAPS, people. Amazing!

After a bit of waiting for Nini and her little family to arrive, the artist herself came out and found us loitering around her workspace. I explained who we were, and as it had just began to rain, she let us in to wait for my friend. She's a really awesome artist...check out the Art on Armitage link for more info.

The rest of the weekend we spent posing, and drinking, and drinking, and eating...FUN. Here I am with my bro-in-law's lovely girlfriend Katherine. She has gorgeous naturally curly, naturally red hair. Go ahead...ask me if I'm jealous.

Leo can be such a camera-hog...

We also went to a Cubs game. Aforementioned crazy-ass Christian people, or some shit, were sitting in front of us. Every time I said a bad word, they gave this slow look over their shoulders at us like, "Good heavens, children! Clean up your mouths!" To which I wanted to say, "WE'RE AT A BASEBALL GAME, YOU DOLTS!" But I didn't. We made fun of the one woman's Cubs scrunchie she had in her hair instead. Super-Christianlike of me, I thought.

I think their favorite part of being in front of me was that we were sitting in an outfield spot right above Fukudome's outfield position. I love that dude. I pronounce his name "fuck you, do me", of course. Because I'm a grown-up. So I was all, "DUDE! Must get a picture of Fuckyoudome!"

And I'm not joking, that was when he did THIS:'s almost as if he could hear the mental anguish of the Christian freakos in front of us from all the way down on the field, and wanted to get in on the fun. You GO Fuckyoudome!!!

Other activities from the weekend included me losing at a rousing game of darts to both Leo and his little brother...

Leo really hated that dart board!

His little brother was getting cheeky with our friend Lloyd while I observed over a bottle of beer...

Hey...Lloyd. Llllooooyyyyd...I know you can hear me thinking at you. LLOYD. Fine. I'll just burn a hole into your cap with my eyeballs...

And that, in a nutshell, is what Chicago was all about. We also stayed at our fave new hotel, The Trump, and slept better than we do anywhere else on the planet. It's lovely. Highly recommend. We took the El a lot. We took busses a lot. And we cabbed around town in some varyingly very dirty and very clean cabs.

It was pretty awesome.