Monday, August 01, 2011

I feel like this should be approached as a more sensitive subject...

My asshole hurts.

What if I have asshole cancer? A guy at my work had it. It was something that his manager shared with us once during a staff meeting. I dunno how many other people knew about it, but I can honestly say now that if I have it? I don't really want people to know. I think I'd rather disappear mysteriously.

Where'd Faith go? Did she quit?

Not sure. She's like Amelia Earhart, or something!

That'd be my ideal way for the news to spread about me being gone, anyway.

Not that I'd be GONE-gone. The dude who had asshole cancer here at work was old, smoked heavily, was really skinny, and he survived treatment. So I'm imagining that if I do, indeed, have cancer of the asshole variety, I'll survive it.

Not that I'll want to. Because, oooowwwwwwww!

I have a call in to a gastrointerologist, finally. I've been dealing with this...issue, for lack of a better term...for well over 6 months now. It's my own damned fault that the doctor recommended to me is not available to see new patients until October, right? So I'm taking my chances with another doc in the same practice.

I'm sharing this information with you all because I know you can handle it. (Well, except the Twin. She probably stopped reading at about the point I said that my asshole hurts, I'd guess, and then commented about what a jerk I am for writing about this topic.) And talking about it makes me feel better, believe it or not.

Well, mentally, anyway. You guys are awesome, and I wish you could magically make my posterior feel like a happy place again, but I don't think you have that ability.

If you do? And you're holding out on me, for some reason? Karma, dude. I'd watch out for it.


faithstwin said...

You need peepeecaca for your bunghole? Cornholioooo!

No, seriously- I'm very sorry this is an issue for ya. Let's just try and keep it out of restaurant conversation and I'm ok with it. (And please don't bring it up while Rodrigo is serving me drinks under my rock, mmmk?)

Ryan the Girl said...

No worries... I totally understand the need to get these kinds of things out there. Otherwise you're just left with your own thoughts (which in my case means me assuming I'm dying of cancer or a blood clot or something). I've been having vertigo for the past four days, so I assume that means I'm hypoglecmic, anemic, and that I have a brain tumor slowly taking over. Either that or I'm just going to be dizzy FOREVER. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be fine!

Keeping your rear end in my thoughts,

Ryan the Girl

Tony said...


Not to be too corny but, "I hope everything turns out well in the end."

Seriously. Thank you for sharing. Take care.