Friday, December 21, 2012

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I'm reconsidering the brain surgery thing.

My appointment with the neurosurgeon is tomorrow. We're just discussing the option of the microvascular decompresion surgery to get rid of my hemifacial spasm, but two issues are on my mind:

- It's supposed to snow for the first time this season overnight tonight. My appointment isn't until 2 in the afternoon, but still...we're not sure how much snow to expect, and I just HATE getting out on the road on the first snowy drive day of the year. I'd much rather avoid that aggro if possible. (I'm not afraid to drive in it...but rather, I'm afraid of those around me that are afraid/have a lack of sense when it comes to driving in it!)

- My spasm has calmed WAY DOWN in the last 2 months. It's still face is still off kilter all the time. But it doesn't bother me as much as it had been doing. My vision is ok, and my twitching isn't as severe when it's happening. That makes it much more tollerable, in the long run.

So should I even look into the surgery if I don't have to right now? Maybe I should put it off for a while, and look into it again in a year or so.

That's basically all that's on my mind right now. (Aside from the myriad issues that have popped up for the Twin over the last few weeks that I'm not sure she's so keen on sharing with my readers, so I've been keeping them to myself. Just wanted to make sure you all knew that I wasn't all consumed with only ONE THING right now.)

Although considering brain surgery isn't exactly like picking out a new dress. It's definitely an important issue to consider, if you have to consider it at all!

Anyway, I hope everyone is staying safe and warm in the last few days before the Christmas holiday, and that everyone who celebrates Hanukkah had a great one this year. Not sure if I'll be updating again before next week, so ta for now!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The first of its kind.

An online friend passed away early this morning after a long time battle with brain cancer, tumors, seizures, and painful blood clots that really fucking sucked and GODDAMMIT.

I'm having a hard time moving past the shock of the news. I just read about it a few minutes ago, really, so I guess I need to give myself more time to let it sink in. But it weird that I'm feeling this way about a person and their family when I've never had the true pleasure of actually meeting them?

Her name is Ashley. And she had a lovely husband, and a beautiful little girl. And a case of tumors that just would not let her be.

And now she's gone. And finally has some peace!

But at what expense???

All I can say is rest in peace, lovely Ashley. Your family loves you. Your online community loves you. And you will be SO MISSED. :(

Friday, December 07, 2012

Can I have a moat installed around my intestines, maybe?

I'm sick again. Not as sick as the last time I got sick. But I guess that really remains to be seen, since I'm either at the beginning of something not fun, or it's just a 24/36/48 hours of something not fun. We'll have to wait it out a bit to be sure.

No fever this time, but the stomach pain, nausea, and Intestinal Issues Which Shall Remain Nameless are about as enjoyable as a fever would be. I ate a popsicle for breakfast yesterday, stayed home from work so I could keep the misery to myself, drank Sprite and water intermittently, and then ate soup and rice for dinner.

That went about as well as I expected it to. I was hungry, but my stomach was having NONE OF IT! To which I say, CAN YOU MAKE UP YOUR DAMNED MIND, STOMACH???

I went to bed moaning and feeling sorry for myself, but somehow managed to make it through the night without getting up at all. (Well, except for once at about 11:30, when I thought it would be fun to yell at Leo for no reason. Don't ask, because I cannot explain it for the life of me. ::shrugs::)

Today I feel more chipper, and the stomach pain is definitely less apparent, but the other stuff (the nausea, the lack of appetite, and, additional problems) is hanging in there. I'm at work, drinking an iced tea (caarefully....), and trying to ignore any sharp pains that come and go in the stomach region.

I don't know how the fuck I got this, is the issue. I've been taking my probiotics (which my trainer likes to refer to as "expensive placebos", but dammit, my ass is better than it's been in 5 years, so if it takes expensive placebos to achieve ass happiness? I will TAKE those expensive placebos until death, thankyouverymuch!), washing my hands a lot, staying away from any little people that might come across my path inadvertently...

So where did this damned bug come from? I almost wonder if it's my own fault; if it's my Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man of the week because I really needed help getting back on a weight-loss track before I get weighed/measured again by my trainer (supposed to happen yesterday morning, but I was too sick to go to the gym), so earlier this week I actually thought about whether I'd be willing to be sick again like the last time in order to lose 5 more pounds...?

Yes, this is how my sad-ass brain works, my friends. I'm not anorexic; I'm not bulimic; I'm...whatever you would call someone who looks to intestinal problems for help with losing weight. Awesome.

But not really.

I don't think. Hmm. :/

Ok, this is turning more into a private journal thing, and less of a blog post thing. SO. Happy Friday! I hope your intestines are treating you well!

Monday, December 03, 2012

They don't really use a fork, right...?

I'm considering brain surgery. For my hemifacial spasm. You know, the thing that I've talked about before when it was literally driving me so crazy, I came close to shutting myself into my basement and never coming out again?

Yep. Brain surgery. :/

I can try botox first. It's a less permanent (but still relatively useful) method to the madness that is a constant full facial twitch. I'd have to go in every 3 - 6 months for injections. And there's a possibility that my eye wouldn't close properly, or that I'd still feel the twitching underneath the botox treatment, which is basically a big ol' nightmare for me.

The surgery would be permanent.

But its on, um, the brain and all that good stuff.

I'm meeting with the neurosurgeon on the 20th. And the neurologist I met with that offered the botox as a solution was a very nice guy. I felt bad turning down his botox offer in such a final manner, but he handled it well. He told me to feel free to email him if I have questions, even after I see the surgeon. He said he can translate for me if I don't understand certain stuff the surgeon tells me.

I talked to my sister last week about the whole thing. She's a doctor of pharmacy, and a pretty smart cookie. She said she has botox injections all the time (she's close to 50 years old, so she uses it for laugh lines, or what have you), and she asked me to consider that before I would just run all gung ho into a situation where someone is operating on my brain.

But the thing is, the wouldn't be injected into lines between my eye brows. Or to help with crows feet near my temples.

It would be injected into strategic spots that are known to help with the hemifacial spasming. Like into the inner corners of my eyelid, and also on the outer edge of the same eyelid. And then in my cheek. And possibly into the corner of my mouth. I might wind up with an uneven look to my face, since the injections would just be on the left side. And then there's that whole "needle injecting POISON into my EYELID" issue to consider. That's where people have had trouble with not being able to fully close their eye again for months after the injection. Or the mouth thing...people just drool involuntarily because of that one, sometimes.

But, it ain't brain surgery! No one would be sticking a fork into my neuro bits!


I don't know why my neuro-system seems to hate me so much, but I suppose it could be worse. So I'll just count my blessings. BLAH.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Update on my face: a study in IPL Therapy for Melasma

I promised to do this a while ago. But I forget to take pics of myself without makeup on in between my IPL treatments. So here's the post that explains what I'm doing to my face over the course of about 5 months, and started doing in October. I didn't think to take a "before" picture of myself, because honestly, I thought that most pictures that I have of myself have captured the melasma pretty well...until I looked closely at the pictures I have of myself.


So the best example I have is a photo taken soon after I returned from my honeymoon back in 2007. A crazy long time ago, I know! But, of course, the melasma hadn't really healed itself since then. So this is the before:

I think there's been a real improvement, especially now that I'm about 4 weeks out from the last treatment I had back at the end of October. There will be 5 all together, and that was treatment #2. Here's my face as of this morning:

Pardon the puffiness. I just came off of an alcohol and gluten-filled weekend of Thanksgiving awesomeness with the in laws!

I can see a REAL improvement, now that I'm seeing those photos side by side. I've been noticing it, too, when I put on my makeup every day, and even feel more comfy running around post workouts without any makeup on.

Treatment #3 is this Thursday, and as treatment #2 was a wee bit more hurty than the first treatment was, I'm hoping it's not an incremental thing when it comes to the pain scale. We'll see. 

I'll keep posting pics of the improvement as it occurs. Wish me luck!

Monday, November 19, 2012

That's gonna be a tough 3rd down conversion, not gonna lie.

Gotta credit the Twin for this catch. We were both watching the Oregon/Stanford game on Saturday night from our respective time zones, and she sent me a pic saying, "Whoa, that's a lot of yardage to cover..."
I rewound the game, and caught a slightly better screen cap so I could share it here. Football is my choice of poison.

And in the case of the USC loss on Saturday afternoon, carrot cake was my antidote. Nick & Jake's has a delicious one they serve, and it definitely helped soothe my pain that night!

Friday, November 09, 2012

Sometimes, you have to catch a nap wherever you can.

You know how when you're done eating, sometimes you get a little sleepy? And so you close your eyes to rest them for a bit? And then you wake up and someone has taken a picture of you drooling on your hoodie in your favorite comfy spot on the couch?


Jake does.

"Maybe they'll think I'm dead from not having enough food, and they'll give me MORE!"
He's just about the cutest thing ever, is how I see it.

::sigh:: I love my puppehs!

If I were a mom to actual hoomans, they'd be in trouble, yo. I'd take every opportunity to catch them in the act of something even slightly embarrassing and document the fuck out of it, I'm sure!

It's just like me to think that the best part of being a mom would be the humiliation I could impart on the offspring, eh? Mwahahahahahahaha!

Happy Friday, everyone. Leo is sick. He's got some flu bug that he, for some reason, doesn't want to label as such but's the FLU. Dude needs sleep. We've been saying "poor little bunny" far too much this week, and I hope he gets better soon.

And that he doesn't give it to me, whatever the hell it is.

Think healthy thoughts for the guy, ok? Have a good one!

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

"Walking Dead" this week...WTF??? (Spoilers inside!)

We just caught up on the Walking Dead episode from Sunday after we finished dinner last night, and can I just ask everyone else who watches: What the fuck just happened???

Lori is dead?

And Rick's reaction? Give me a BREAK. That guy...GRRR! Do not get me started.

Anyway, what do you think is gonna happen? They didn't actually show Lori getting her brains blown out by Carl, which is odd for them, so I'm thinking that maybe he didn't really kill her. Maybe he's hoping that they can fix her up like they did for Hershel and his leg? She wasn't dead, and she wasn't wounded by a walker/biter/zombeh, so I don't see why she had to die, anyway. Maybe Carl was the only one in that room with a little sense to realize that if they managed to get help in time, she could recover?

What a fucked up episode, though. MAN.

Friday, November 02, 2012

Saving my face. It's not about vanity, DUH. It's about saving money on makeup!

When I was younger, I had terrible acne. Horrible, cystic, nasty, hellish zits all over my face, but mostly on my chin and my cheeks. The pain was awful, the ugliness was unaoidable, and the scarring was both physical and emotional.

I wound up relying on Retin-A as a solution, albeit a very minimal one. It helped with the physical scarring. But it didn't do much to prevent the cystic zits from coming up. That took a change in both diet and medicine. And when I discovered the solution, the clear up of my skin was almost immediate. Like, within a WEEK, I had clear skin. It was fucking ridiculously insanely awesome.

Anyway, fast forward about 10 years, and I made one of the dumbest decisions ever. I allowed the nurse practitioner in my gyno's office to talk me into switching birth control pills. I had started to get a little bit of adult acne, in spite of my diet (no dairy), and she thought the new pill would help clear that up for me.

The acne was no big deal, really. Just something I'd noticed over the previous year, and I was wondering what might be causing it. But I switched pills anyway. I'd been on the same one for almost 15 years...why not give a new one a shot?

6 months later, I developed a condition called melasma on my face. Dark pigmented spots that were all over my cheeks, my forehead, and nose. I went to a dermatologist for help, and they told me that there's not really anything you can do about it. It's hormonal. It's not going to respond well to any topical treatment, so I'd best just find a makeup that I liked and deal with it that way.


I was lucky, I suppose. The location of the darker patches of skin look kind of like large patches of freckles, and I'd never had freckles before, and I always thought they were cute, so I just tried to think of them that way.

10 years later, and I'm DONE pretending I have freckles. To be honest, it didn't really last longer than a month. Melasma ruined my complexion. I can't pretend to believe otherwise.

When smizing goes too far.
I've tried skin lightening creams, different kinds of facials, scrubs, lotions, and of course, makeup. No matter what, the melasma is always there, even after I spend loads of time with the makeup routine before heading out. I don't want to look like a fucking clown, so I don't spackle my face to heavily. I think the melasma is the lesser of two evils in that regard, for sure. But it bothers me when I look in the mirror. It's the first thing I see on my face, dammit, and that isn't right.

So I've started going in for something called IPL, or "intense pulse light" treatments at my dermatologist's office. It's the next step in trying to combat the damned, stupid fucking melasma. So far, it's gotten rid of my sun spots/liver spots/whatever you wanna call them spots. Those were easy, it seems. The first treatment hit them hard, and they were gone within the month following.

I just had my 2nd of 5 treatments earlier this week. It hurts a little bit as it's being done, but it doesn't last long, and after a day, the irritation is largely dissipated, if it's still there at all. My melasma seems much lighter, IMO, but it's still there. I have to be super-careful about sunscreen and being out in the direct sunlight, because it can set the process back and make it kind of useless. I'm hoping that by the time I've had the 5th treatment, I'll feel totally comfortable leaving the house without makeup on again. I haven't been able to do that with 100% confidence for 10 fucking years.

I'll put up an updated picture in another week or so, so you can see the difference between the worst my melasma has been (post-honeymoon, in the picture above), and hopefully the road to improved skin that I'm currently on. I hope it works!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Champagne: it's what's for breakfast.

Leo and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary over the weekend.


I honestly have a hard time understanding how I finally managed to find someone who is willing to share a relatively small space in this life with me for so long. And who seems to continue to want to!

But then I ask him something like, "How did you manage to get the TV to work?" Because we have a troublesome TV/cable box in our living room. And he responds by pointing at his crotch and saying simply, "I used my penis." To which I respond, "Oh yes...I forgot about your magical penis powers."

And then I chuckle about it for the next 10 minutes because dude didn't even hesitate to answer with the penis option. It just was his automatic go-to.

::sigh:: I love that man!

We went out to dinner to celebrate, and then on Sunday, I decided we should have mimosas and pizza while we watched football. And so it was done...
Keeping the celebration rolling!

5 years seems like such a solid chunk of time. So much has happened in that time. So much has changed.
And yet it still seems like such an impossibly short period of time.

Regardless, we are still going strong. And I count my blessings every day. Thank you, Universe, for sending me such a perfect partner for my life. I'll be forever grateful!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Guess my weight! The number you come up with will actually be preferable, in most cases.

I love it when I go to a doctor, and when they go to weigh me for the first time, they start with the scale balance at the 180 pound mark, instead of the 200 pound mark.

Whether they're doing it because they're being nice, or because they suck at assessing a person's weight by just looking at them, I don't care. I like to pretend that it's because I look like I'm not as heavy as I actually am.

Delusions are a key to my self-confidence much of the time.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Building emotional strength can be exhausting!

So we went to Chicago and South Bend over the weekend. It was a GREAT time...had fun seeing family and friends, and watching what turned out to be a pretty awesome Notre Dame game.

But stuff happened while we were visiting. Leo had a pretty huge attack of childhood flashbacks after hanging out with his brothers on Friday night, and not in a good way. It took a lot of effort to calm him down, and I know that his brain is still burning with the pain, and mine is as well in a way, thanks to my protective instincts kicking in after seeing him in that kind of state.

Saturday was a bit rough around the edges, and while the centerpiece of the activity went off relatively smoothly (the tailgating and the actual game), the post-game activity of figuring out how to get back together with friends who had driven separately, and all that did not go well. We have a better idea of how to do it in the future, I suppose. ::shrugs::

I don't like how I reacted to the annoyance after the game, though. A lot goes into that kind of emotion, really...being tired, being stuck in a large crowd that was all mixed up in it's direction, wanting to sit in a comfy chair after having been on a bleacher seat for 3 hours.

But it doesn't matter. I want to figure out how to behave better under those circumstances. It's a goal of mine to try to figure out how to behave more graciously when I'm in a group setting where things aren't going 100% perfectly. I hate the idea that it might be effecting peoples' perception of me as a person, as a sister, and as a friend.

I'm trying. Not sure how long it will take for me to change, but I AM trying, dammit!

Anyway, we're home for a month, and then I'll have the chance to try all over again when we go back up to see everyone again for Thanksgiving.

And then I can just let myself be the bitch that I apparently am when we go back to California for Christmas week in December. Because if anyone can handle it, it's my brother and sisters! :P

(Ok, not really...I'm trying to change for the better in ALL relationships. It just might take longer in some cases than others, of course!)

Being a grown-up is HARD.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

He IS a saucy bitch!

Leo bought me this apron for my birthday a couple of years ago. But, to be honest, I don't do much in the kitchen that requires an apron. So he's sort of adopted it for himself.

PERFECT for those days when he's throwing on the wheel in his ceramics class at JCCC!

Us saucy bitches will be off in Chicago/South Bend for the weekend, starting Thursday. I need the time off/time with family and friends, to be honest. This week has been a bit challenging for me in the professional world, and Leo's late night habits and subsequent snoring extravaganzas have been pretty well killing me slowly each night. So I'll see all YOU saucy bitches again next week. Probably with more pictures, as become a habit around here, lately, I've noticed. Meh...'tis the saucy bitch way.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Why go to a bar when you can just stay in the basement?

This is entirely a Leo Smith creation. I was a fortunate bystander in the whole thing, really.

Sometimes, there are two games on that you want to watch. And they're on at the same time, but on different channels. So how do you deal with that kind of connundrum?

Record one while watching the other, and watch the recording later? Sure...that's an option in many homes nowadays.

Go to a bar that has more than one game on at a time? I suppose. But you can't wear your jammies to a bar without opening up the possibility of people pointing and laughing/scaring people.

How about you get a cable splitter, get a TV from a room that no one is in very often, and hook it up right next to your other TV that you usually watch things on?

::sigh:: I love my basement.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Health update...because you KNOW you want one!

Time for a health update! I think, anyway...

I'm better. My virus might still be lurking, but I don't feel it anymore. I'm back to a regular work out schedule, feel strong again (except for when my trainer is torturing me with extremely heavy weights, that is), and haven't had a fever in over a week.

I still get headaches, but that's become such a part of my identity, I don't actually think it's a sign of anything particularly wrong. Weird?

(Side note: I had a friend once that got a headache and didn't know what to do about it. She thought she was sick because, get this: it was only maybe the 3rd headache she'd ever had in her life. She was about 27 or 28 at the time. Yeah, my mind was BLOWN.)

I decided to wean off the meds I was taking for my hemifacial spasm all together. The first one inflicted me with that lovely side effect of soul crushing depression. The second one had me peeing so infrequently, I almost wonder if it didn't have something to do with me getting so sick with that virus.

I went to my neurologist at the end of that week of me being really sick. He knew how sick I'd been, as did his nurse. She even told me that she and her kids had been fighting something recently, too. So she knew my pain, sort of, I guess. Anyway, concerned that the medication I was taking might be having a really bad effect on my internal organs, the doc ordered some blood work just to rule out anything that could be non-virus related.

The following week - not even 4 days later, actually - my results came in, and the nurse called me to tell me that they were concerned about my liver enzyme levels. They were high. And "unless you've been really sick recently, they shouldn't be that high, so the doctor would like you to go in and get them re-tested again in 2 - 3 weeks."

I didn't even take the time to remind her that I had, indeed, been VERY sick the week before, when I came to their office for a visit. I just said, "Ok." And then we were done. They sent me the blood test orders in the mail. I threw them away.

I see the neuro specialist that they referred me to in November for my hemifacial spasm. We'll see if he can be my new neuro, or if I need to find a new one in the future. Because I'm not going back to that other office, dammit. Nuh-uh.

Mentally, I feel back to my normal self again. I've continued to see the therapist that I started seeing about 6 weeks ago, but the last time I saw her, it was almost like she knew that I had snapped out of anything truly dark, mentally. I suggested that maybe I should see her just twice a month now, and she agreed. But I'm wondering if I should even go that far. Maybe I'm done with seeing her? My next appointment is next Tuesday, and I've been worrying that I don't really have anything I need to discuss with her at all. Seems like a waste of both of our time. So I'm thinking of canceling that appointment and just keeping her card for possible future needs, if they pop up.

So there you have it. My twitch is back just about 100% of the time. It's worse when I'm talking or singing along with music in my car. I'm tired of taking drugs for stuff, so I'm throwing as many as I can to the curb.

Oh, and whether it was because of being sick or because my trainer is such a dick so good at his job, I don't know, but I've lost 7 pounds and 3.5 inches from my waist in the last month. And apparently, I'm very strong, according to him. ::roll eyes:: Whatever justifies his form of torture, I guess! (I like being strong. Don't get me wrong! But I'm just tired of him handing me a 20 pound barbell and telling me to curl as many times as I can. NO. Noooooo. ::crying::)

That's the update for now. Things are basically good again. PHEW!

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

This is an extraneous post. Feel free to ignore it.

Origami puppeh says, "Hello!"

Anyone have a recipe for zucchini bread?

Our garden gave birth to a baby this past week.

A baby zucchini, that is.
Leo thinks it'd be best if we turn it into something like zucchini bread, but neither of us have ever made that. So we need a good recipe to go from. I'm about to check the web for ideas, but if you have a tried and true one to share, please do. Because OHMAHGAHZUCCHINI.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Having trouble with solicitors?

I have a friend who's been having some issues with solicitors knocking on her door throughout the day (she's a stay at home mom...with a barky dog, no less) trying to talk to her about who she's planning to vote for.

I think this is a shitty thing to do to people, personally. I've never been a big fan of solicitors, and now that we've reached this absolute golden age of internet availability, we no longer have a need, really, for anyone to go door to door to sell us: a new roof; magazines for a fundraiser; housepainting services; lawn services; on their opinion of who we should vote for; anything relating to the belief in or support of Jesus.

She's an Obama supporter. She's not interested in a discussion about it either way because she has her mind made up. She really wants the people to just go away. Unfortunately, unlike me, she can't look through a peephole in the door to make sure that she isn't turning a blind eye to a bleeding and needy child that has stumbled to her doorstep looking for help after being involved in a hit and run on their bike down the street. She has a giant window on the front of her house, so solicitors can pretty well see that she is home, hanging out, and ready for them to come a'knockin'.

I think she likely isn't alone in this predicament. And so I thought I might go ahead and make the offer to all of you that I did to her. (My first suggestion was that she just stare out the window at the person on her porch until they went away. Maybe go to the kitchen first, and grab a banana, or something, and eat it while calmly staring the person/people down. But that isn't her style. I think it'd be awesome all the same. So if you can do that sort of thing, DO IT. And then come tell me about how it worked out. You would be my personal hero, if that helps you at all.)

Instead, I suggested that she print out a picture of my face from this picture:

And then print out this picture of me drinking a vodka drink:

And put them on opposite sides of a stick. (I picture something like a paint stirrer, here.)

When annoying person comes to your door, ignoring the idea that maybe you have a barky dog (which they, DUH, know because said barky dog is now barking it's ass off at them) and oh hey!, might also have a sleeping baby in another room (which has now been successfully and rudely awakened by the barky dog, thanks), it's time for the "Annoyed Faith/Now I'm Drinking and You Can Fuck Off! Faith" stick person that gets held up in the window.

I'd start with the annoyed side. And then if the person doesn't take that as a hint, surprise! I've got a drink, and you can just fuck off now!

I think this might be wildly successful, so feel free to use my images to your advantage in any situation where you don't want to talk. I'd imagine it could be helpful in such situations as: a blind date that isn't going well; any kind of meeting with your annoying boss where you will be blamed for someone else's mistake...again; discussions with your father-in-law about anything pertaining to female rights (that one might just apply to me...not sure); etc...

Ok, so good luck, go forth and roll my eyes at annoying people, and let's have some fun, shall we? WOO!

Monday, October 01, 2012

Destruction and weakness...not my favorite things.

I spent all of last week going up and down on the fever scale, mostly unable to eat, which then lead to me having a very hard time taking medicine that might help, which then lead to me throwing up.

I had an appointment with my neurologist on Friday morning that wiped me out (leaving the house to go anywhere at all was pretty taxing), but he requested some blood tests that I'm hoping will give me some answers.

Today, I'm exhausted from something as simple as walking in to my office from the parking garage 50 feet away. I'm hot. I don't know when I'll be able to work out again, which is terrifying to me, because it's almost like I can feel the hard work I've been doing for years just melt away in the past 10 days. Going up a set of stairs winds me so much, I need to lean on a counter to recover! So how the fuck will I be able to get on a treadmill again anytime soon???

My appetite has kind of returned. I'm hungry for very specific things, and I'm trying to keep it bland for the time being. I can generally only eat half of what's put in front of me, if that. But not throwing it up is a plus in my book, and the fact that there's nourishment staying in my stomach for long stretches at a time is keeping me hopeful that soon my body will be back to being able to do cardio/weight work...oh hell, that I can do something as simple as walk up the stairs to my car in the parking garage again soon, instead of taking the elevator!

I'm pretty hard on myself, I think. I don't know why that's the case, but I know it's true. I still felt pretty fucking crappy as of Saturday morning because, while my appetite seemed to be slowly returning, and my fever was disappearing, I still had the headache I'd had for over 6 days. And that can be MADDENING, even to someone like me who is pretty well-versed in the whole dealing with the pain in the head dealio.

So why am I so upset with myself for having to cancel on my personal trainer this morning at 4:30 a.m. when I realized that it was a pretty bad idea to think I could jump back in to a schedule like that so quickly after having been so ill?

Dunno. I just am.

I just have to remember that this virus stuff...sometimes it lasts longer than a week. I might still be fighting it. And that's not my fault! None of this is my fault. It's just part of being a human...

::sigh:: It really sucks to be a human sometimes.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Now I'm just downright SICK.

This came on quick. Felt like a flu. FEELS like a flu. Everything hurts. My neck, my hands, my knees, my lower back, my head...

And I have a fever to boot! That's a fun dealio. Taking a shower this morning was painful. But it had to be done. I went and worked out, and it was about halfway through the workout that I realized I wasn't...ok. I managed to finish up without getting sick, and on the drive home, it was weird: my lips were hot, and my body was cold.

So I decided to climb back into bed for a little bit when I got back home, hairstyle be damned, and OHMYGOD it was so fucking cold! I didn't want to get out of bed to turn the fan away from me. (Flashback sequence begins here...just forgive me for my randomness. I have a fucking FEVER.) Last night, I had turned it away from the bed, because I was pretty chilly. I brought a blankey down from the upstairs closet, and huddled down for the night.

And then I woke up a couple hours later just BOILING. Of course. So I tried to get rid of the blankey, but Izzy wasn't having it, so Leo told me to just fold it over to the middle of us, in case I needed it again. That worked out. And then I turned the fan back in the direction of the bed. I woke up this morning without too much trouble at 4:35, and went to meet with the trainer at the gym.

And then all that stuff at the top of this post happened, and anyway, I'm fucking sick. I have a fan on me at work right now because my head is hot again. At least I don't have the shivers right now! I think that's the worst part of a damned fever, eh? I'm not sure. Maybe having the fever in the first place is the worst part?

I dunno where this thing came from, but the clinic I dropped in to earlier today said it was a virus. I have my acupuncture appointment tonight, so I'm going to ask him to do something to get rid of it. Just get it out of me! Don't care how many needles it takes! (I tolerate them well, though. If you're not a needle person, it's probly best you don't go up to an acupuncturist and say something like that to them.)

In the meantime, let's hope this isn't El Grande of the side effects from my new drug I'm taking for the hemifacial spasms. I'm already experiencing one of the side effects that I'm supposed to call my doctor immediately about when it happens, but I have an appointment with him on Friday, so it seems silly to call him now. The Twin said I should, though, so I will tomorrow. ::sigh::

I wish I had a normal face.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

It just saps you a lil' bit.

We're in the middle of a fundraiser time here at my office. All of our fundraiser events always last 2 weeks. This one in particular is unusually trying to a person because it comes at a time of year when we're all really busy, anyway. We don't have time for it.

But then you're all, "Oh, you don't have time for those needy people that could use your help? Oh, ok. ASSHOLE." And you do what you can to help. (Even if you've decided that this particular organization isn't your thing, and you plan on putting your donation towards something else in the future. ::whistling quietly and sliding out of the picture::)

And so your brain blows up slowly and not so un-bitchily.

On my way to work today, I needed to get over into the left lane so I could make an upcoming left turn. I put on my signal, and looked into my side mirror to make sure the person in that lane saw me, and gave me a little room.

Yeah, bitch closed IN on the person in front of her! Um, HELLO! Turn signal on! Obvs I need to get over, butt!

So I went ahead and got over. Because she was in a Lexus crossover, and I figured that she didn't wanna mess that pretty little thing up by letting my car hit her car by doing something that IT WAS SIGNALING IT NEEDED TO DO.

She backed off, and I was just chuckling at her audacity, and THEN I noticed that she had gotten over into the middle lane that I had been in. So she hadn't even needed to BE in the left fucking lane!

That made me laugh harder, and as I got into my turn lane, I couldn't help but look over at her car as it went by, and she was totally looking at me, so she got to see me full on laughing at her assholeness. (And I might've flipped her off...)

Why can't we all drive friendly*? Why couldn't she have just...let me in, in the first place? Because it was going to mess up her morning so fucking much? I mean, give me a goddammed break. Had she let me in when I signaled I needed to get over, I would have gotten over, and then she would have had the room to get over the way she apparently needed to, and we'd have both moved on with our day without any issue.

But instead, she had to be a dick.

I felt a little higher and mightier than her, not gonna lie. Because I had stuff in the trunk of my car for the moneyraiser my team was throwing today for the overall fundraiser that's going on at work right now. I was giving things to my group. Things that my husband had totally cooked for them, because he likes to give, too.

I'm hoping that after next week is over, the bitchiness will return to normal levels. And my brain will stop blowing up. We'll just have to wait and see, though, now, won't we? ::grins evilly::

*Once you act like a dick towards me, all bets are off, and I am TOTALLY allowed to flip you off and let you know that you are being a dick on the road. It's the rules.

Friday, September 14, 2012

My trainer told me to eat more fish.

That up there is what I was given when I ordered the salmon lunch from my favorite sushi place for lunch today.

I just wanted some salmon, and some rice. Maybe a little miso soup.

But HOLY FUCKBALLS! I got 3 pounds of food. 6 pieces of California roll (which I don't even like much), a salad, a big piece of salmon (as expected), a cup of rice (again, as expected), the miso soup (which was also expected), and then a whole bunch of tempura items which were NOT expected at all.

This is quite a deal for the $15 I was charged, I think. I was wondering why it was so much money until I lifted the bag and felt the heft of it all! But I couldn't open it and unload it until I got back to the office (they staple the bag together. It's like opening a present. For lunch. On a day that's not present-worthy at all. I like that, not gonna lie.), so I really had no idea what I was in for.

Anyway, I ate half the salmon, and half the rice, and most of the soup. I found out last night that ginger causes my candida to flare up, so I only had a couple of bites of the salad.

And I tried to resist the tempura, but DAMMIT, IT WAS RIGHT IN MY FACE!!! So I had a few bites, and then threw the rest away.

I feel all strong and powerful now, yo.

The other half of the salmon, the rice, and the California roll is in the fridge waiting to go home with me tonight. Yay for automatic breakfast tomorrow!

But srsly...WHOAH on the unexpectedly huge lunch.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

This is not that kind of day.

I saw my therapist today. She gave me some tools to work with that I think might help me be more successful when it comes to dealing with all these feelings I've been up against lately.

And I'll leave it at that. Because if I'm tired of talking about it, I'm sure you all are damned tired of reading about it!

So, instead, let's talk about my updated haircut. No one at work seems to recall that I had bangs before. For a LONG time. It does seem to have been quite a while ago, I guess. In that second photo down there, I was wearing an "I Voted" sticker. Was that in the last election? Not sure.

And then I grew my hair out...
And after that, I grew the bangs out, cut my hair again, but didn't cut the bangs, and...

...OH MY GOD, this is as boring as the doctor shit, isn't it? UGH.

Anyway, I cut my hair last week. Got my bangs again. Most people tell me they like it now that I've been doing it in a curly style.
THE END. Fuck me sideways...

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I though I was doing better. But...maybe not?

I just went to a neurology appointment.

One that I cancelled last month. Because I had to go in earlier due to the extreme side effects I was experiencing from the drug he had prescribed to me.

I just had that appointment less than a week and a half ago. But it didn't register until I pulled into the parking lot at the doc's office that I had set up the next appointment for 4 weeks from that last one. (So I don't see him again until the 28th.)

That's a little bit of a problem, isn't it?

Should I even be driving myself around right now, I wonder?

Jesus Christ.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Continuing to work through the mucky muck.

(I could use a little Wonderboy right now, actually. I think I know what I'm listening to on the way home from work!)

I had my final "free" (i.e. sponsored by work) session with my therapist today. I really think she's a great fit for me, which is just wonderful. I'm going to continue to see her, hopefully on a weekly basis for a while, and see if we can't get through these absolutely ridiculous ups and downs that I continue to experience lately.

Today is a down day. Crying jags, moments when I wish I could bang my head on my desk to just help me get over it, and then happy moments like when the Twin and I are talking and she does something that's exactly like what her youngest would do, and makes me laugh.

I told my therapist that I think I might know what's going on. A little bit, anyway. I like to self-diagnose. (Who doesn't???) Anyway, part of the problem with the pills I have to take for my stupid fucking hemifacial spasm is that they are also prescribed to people who are bipolar.

When I was a kid, my brother hid a dose of his ritalin on the floor by the leg of the kitchen table. I was crawling around, and found it, and put it in my mouth. Not long after, I was apparently speaking/babbling about a mile a minute, running all over the place, and basically acting like I was a cartoon on speed.

Mom freaked out a little, because not long before (maybe the night before...not sure), my aunt had been holding me, and dropped me, and I hit my head in the process. So mom thought that I was having a reaction to the hitting of the head.

I'm not sure how it came to light, but eventually, she figured out that I had taken my brother's dose of ritalin, and was reacting to THAT and not the head hitting thing.

Moral to the story: people who aren't supposed to take ritalin will have the opposite reaction to the drug when it gets in their system. Bro was taking it to calm down. I took it, and SPED THE FUCK UP.

(Side note: The Twin might remember this story as something that happened to her. We do that sometimes. Like the time she stepped on a broken shell on a beach in North Carolina when we were kids, and couldn't swim the rest of the day because of the bandages she had to wear? Yeah, I still swear that was ME that happened to! It's weird.)

Anyway, is it possible that the drugs I'm taking to help ease my twitch are causing me to have bipolar symptoms? Not to belittle bipolarness, or those who actually have the disease (it's a disease, right?), but it's just something I started wondering about lately.

My new drug is carbamazepine. I'm slowly weaning off the clonazepam, and slowly weaning onto the carbamahgjatyjfdapine. (Seriously, why can't these drugs have easy names like "Bob" or "Lennie", kind of like how we name tropical storms and shit...) But it's funny that in the PubMed Health page that I've been reading for help with understanding my meds better, that it specifically states the following for this current one: "There is a risk that you may experience changes in your mental health if you take an antiepileptic medication such as carbamazepine, but there may also be a risk that you will experience changes in your mental health if your condition is not treated. You and your doctor will decide whether the risks of taking an antiepileptic medication are greater than the risks of not taking the medication." That is exactly the dilemma here, isn't it? My double-edged sword. My fucking stupid catch-22. I either take the drugs, and have less of a problem with the twitch, or I don't and I lose my mind because my face is fucking twitching the fuck out.

Anyway, Leo knows what to watch for with all these drugs. So I feel relatively safe while taking them. And I'm under the watch of loads of doctors, and all that good stuff, so we'll get it worked out, I'm sure. Just wanted to give an update.

It's all good times around up in this head, people. Goood tiiiimes. ::sigh::

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Here's a gourd for your enjoyment.

The Twin sent me a text a short time ago, and asked me to please post something new, so those moth photos weren't at the top of my blog page anymore. So I'm doing the best I can. I found this gourd in the grocery store a long while back, but didn't really have any good reason to post it, I don't think. So here you go! Here's an, um, oddly shaped gourd for your viewing pleasure.

I went to a new doctor today to get some blood work done. My chiroproactor/acupuncturist referred me to her, and thought she might be able to help me get to the bottom of a lot of the issues that plague me.

She seems really well-educated. And as I walked out the office, I said, "Sorry for being such a weird case!" And she replied that she loves a challenge like me, so no problem!


Anyway, she took about 7 pints of blood from me, so hopefully they're able to find whatever the hell it is they're looking for. We're starting with a standard panel to check thyroid stuff and blood insulin levels and all that good stuff, I think, and then we'll move on from there to chck into specific food allergies, celiac testing, and to make sure I'm not descended from aliens, I guess. ::shrugs:: It was a LOT of blood. I can't imagine that an alien test isn't involved, somehow!

Good thing is that I'm feeling relatively great this week. I saw my therapist on Tuesday, and she gave me some ideas for how to journal these ups and downs I'm experiencing. Work threw a REALLY difficult task at me yesterday (trying to schedule a meeting for several - like SEVEN - VPs in a week and a half), and the coworkers that are helping me were all really quick with their responses. Home life is fun...we get to go to California next week for my 20th high school reunion from the high school that I didn't even graduate from, which I'm really looking forward to. And we should get some rain this weekend, which is soooo, soooo good for our poor trees!

Anyway, net/net, I'm doing well. It's weird. :/

Monday, August 27, 2012


THIS is why I'm terrified of moths, people!


In case you're wondering, I'm never leaving the house again, thanks. Holy fucking shit...

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The drug conundrum

My appointment with the therapist went well. She didn't hide behind anything (there wasn't even a ficus in her office!), she was calm and mellow and we talked family history mostly, of course. I'll see her again next week.

Ok, that said, I had to literally tear myself away from my basement this morning. Walking back up the steps after finishing breakfast was like hiking a mountain. Leo and I cried together last night because we were talking about how to deal with me being so sad that I can't even enjoy silly banter that's normal between husband and wife (i.e. of a sexy nature) without taking it personally and feeling attacked for not wanting to have sex right now.

(He's SUCH a good man, by the way. Best husband EVER.)

Anyway, looking up some side effects of this new drug, clonazepam, that I'm on for the hemifacial spasm makes it clear that I'm experiencing one of the "severe" effects of dysphoria. I'm afraid that if I continue to take it, I'll get even worse.

But it's the only thing that's even slightly worked on my spasms! They've gone down to a minimal level now, and I barely even think about them anymore! So the drug! It works!!!

But the drug! It also causes me to be severely depressed!!!


Oh hai, double-edged sword. Thanks for coming to my already really stupid fucking party! Can you please leave now???

If I stop taking the drug, I'll get the spasms back. The spasms made me so sad, I didn't know how to function anymore on not just a daily basis, but on a minute to minute basis.

If I keep taking the drug, I might wind up catatonic in my basement. (Which, given, is a very nice basement, and a good place to go catatonic in, I think. If one has to be catatonic.)

I'm calling my doctor later. But, dammit. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

That is all.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I feel bad for her already!

Today, I head in to see the therapist that my company referred me to when I called last week for help.

Today is another very bad day. I don't know how I'm going to keep from bursting into tears as soon as I walk in her door, but I suppose she's trained for that sort of thing, right? Like, if she cowers in a corner behind a ficus tree as I explain everything that's been going on in my brain lately, that's a sign that she and I shouldn't work together, correct?

Many times today, I've felt like lying down on the ground and just crying my eyes out.

Many times today, I've had to hold back from crying at my desk, and instead just take deep breaths as I cover my eyes, and wait for it to pass.

Many times today, I've wondered if I need to be hospitalized. Or if this is just a normal level of depression I'm feeling, and OHMYDEARGOD, can it get even worse???

I've thought about driving to the airport, buying a ticket to California, and calling the twin to come pick me up when I arrive.

I've thought seriously about driving to Ohio to eat lunch with some friends on Thursday, because...well, there's a whole long story to go along with that, but anyway, it's something I've been thinking about.

And I've thought about just going back home, too. Just sitting in my basement, and then going up to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and then waking up tomorrow and going back into the basement for the day...

That's what I did yesterday. I worked my butt off, don't get me wrong! My bosses were needy dudes yesterday. Which was fine. But I worked, and then I went up and did dishes for 20 minutes, and then I went back to work. I ate a bowl of popcorn for lunch, because it was what I fucking wanted to eat, for some reason. And then at about 2, I got on the treadmill and walked for 30 minutes, up and down hills that I created for myself. And then I rested with the puppies before I showered, and then went to see my chiropractor at 5:15, as is usual for a Monday. (He looked at my eye, and just let his eyes get real wide, and kind of...didn't know what to say, I guess. And then I finally realized what he was doing, and I was all, "OH, that! Yeah, woke up Sunday morning with a blown blood vessel in my eye, and have no idea how it happened. Fun, huh?" And then he CRACKED my back, which was awesome, as usual.)

Anyway, it should be an interesting meeting for this poor, unsuspecting therapist.

Although, I suppose that if she didn't expect to meet with people as fucked up as I am right now, she should probly find a different career, eh?

I'll report back on how it goes.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Good thing I'm working from home, eh?

Um, somehow I blew out a vein in my right eye while I was sleeping on Saturday night.

I just woke up, and BOOM. Pretty.

Today I'm working from home because, well, I'm old, and the weekend almost killed me. So I can work, but need the opportunity for naps and the like. And then there's this whole blown out eyeball issue...

Just in case it helps at all, I'm wearing my glasses today to give my eyeballs a rest. I don't know that it's actually helping. When we looked up how long it might take to heal, it said it could be 10 - 14 DAYS.
I feel so fucking pretty. ::sigh:: And it's not even like I DID anything to cause it! The fuck? My body is so awesome. /sarcasm

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Better days.

Yesterday was a better day than the day before.

Today feels even better still. Maybe it's because I only have a half day of work, and then pedicures and BBQ, and then some shopping and people-watching later this afternoon on the Plaza.

I almost feel manic, if that makes any sense. Like, the level of downness I was feeling 2 days ago was so overwhelming.

But then it just sort of drifted away. The pit didn't feel so deep. Smiling was easier to do.

Anyway, I appreciate all the kind words and feedback from those of you who took the time to help me out. I'll keep you posted on how the therapy appointment goes next week. I'm also going in for some bloodwork tomorrow to check adrenal functions and other things through a referal that my chiropractor/acupuncture dude gave me...he thinks it will really help me to identify what's happening internally due to what is happening externally, like with my diet and my exercise, and all that good stuff. I don't think it can hurt, so we'll see how that turns out.

Thank you, though. I really appreciate you all so, soo much. :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The pit gets deeper.

I feel like I'm in a pit that I can't crawl out of.

Today, I finally reached out to the helpline that my company offers its employees so I can find help with getting counseling. I set up an appointment for next week, and I feel like now that I've accomplished that, I can just go ahead and go to sleep until then.

I keep working through the pain I'm feeling, though. Laughing at my bosses (because they are genuinely funny!), being as pleasant to people as possible, helping out whenever I'm asked to help out with something. (Within reason, of course. Don't ask me to help you do an oil change on your car. Not unless you want a really broken car at the end of the process!)

I want to cry, and cry, and sleep, and cry. And I can't. I have to keep pretending to be fine.

Leo and I have visitors coming in from out of town this weekend, and I'm so excited about seeing them and entertaining them and having good times while they're here!

But all the same, I'll be in that damned pit while I'm doing it. Hoping they don't notice my flinching and spasming and the quick moments of teared up eyes.

One of the ways I'm coping is by shopping online. I'm trying to keep it reasonable, because I notice it as a coping mechanism for myself, so I need to keep it as controlled as possible. The day before yesterday, I bought some stuff from the Gap. And then I bought a calendar and a luggage tag (both Anne Taintor) yesterday. And today I bought some items that are on sale at West Elm.

Oh, and today I also bought some relatively expensive tickets for a Chiefs vs Chargers game at the end of September. I started out by looking into how much it would cost to buy one of their lower end boxes at the stadium for the season. And I look forward to using that for a good laugh with Leo tonight when we're hanging out, because NO. Hahahahahahahahanonononono...I feel bad for the sales guy that I spoke to because he sounded like a genuinely nice person. And I definitely plan on working on not laughing at him when I talk to him again about that not being the right option for my family at this time, but thanking him for sending me the information.

If anyone wants to go in on a box at the stadium, though, let me know. That seems like a more reasonable way to do it. Kind of like buying a condo in a vacationey-type area with family members, and then sharing it from week to week. Because, srsly...buying a box at the stadium is like buying a 2nd house. And I'd rather do that, to be quite honest!

I'm sure this sales guy is used to fuckers like me emailing for more info, and then never hearing from them again, though. They don't put any info out on the Chiefs website about the costs associated with the boxes. It's really terribly put together, IMO. Had they had even just a few of the numbers available in a standard search point on the site, he'd never have had to bother with me.

Oh well! I'm sure he'll understand. /oddest segue evar

I'm trying to focus on the good, though. I really am. The pit is just getting so fucking deep, is all. And I'm afraid of what the answer is to getting out of it. I'm thinking I'm going to have to take a leave of absence from my work, is the thing. It's just sucking the life out of me to have to sit here and feel the twitch twitch twitch all the goddammed time, and to not be able to scream away the pain of the annoyance. I need some time to try to heal. And to try to do more - yoga, pilates, workouts, medicine, WHATEVER - to try to get the twitch to abate even just a little bit.

God, you all must be so tired of hearing about this anymore. I'm so sorry...blah.

Monday, August 13, 2012

The needles...they are powerful in their healing.

I had McDonald's for lunch. Just my regular two hamburgers and a medium fry. I simply do not care today. I'm so tired, I went home and took a 40 minute nap at lunchtime, and needed something quick on my way back to the office.

I figure that my acupuncturist can clear the McD's out of my chi when I see him this afternoon, anyway.

Yes, he really is THAT GOOD. Be jealous! :P

Friday, August 10, 2012

Sometimes, she really can be quite a bitch.

No, Izzy. When I got up to go to the bathroom during a movie break, that was not your cue to steal my spot on the couch!

And trying to steal my KU snuggie, to boot! ::gasp!:: Evil, evil puppeh...trying to look all innocent and shit.

And of course, I just wanna snuggle the shit outta her. Our dogs are so fucking spoiled!

Happy weekend, everyone. I hope the weather where you are is supposed to be as fabulous as ours is where we are!

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Is this inappropriate?

So I'm trying to work my way into more charity events in town lately. It's a new thing for me to actually attend the events in a capacity aside from volunteering to help run them, so I don't really know how to handle the other side of the "curtain", if you will.

For example, there's a party that's coming up pretty quickly, called the KC Hospice House Angel Gala, on Saturday 8/25. I just heard about it today, because my company has a volunteer group that helps out with events like this, and they were advertising their need for volunteers on our intranet this morning.

I decided to look into what it would take to attend the gala as a guest.

Now, Leo and I can buy single tickets and attend on our own, which seems easy enough, but we can also buy a table for 10, and invite guests to join us at the gala.

Which sounds like fun! People get to dress up a little (cocktail attire), and bid for things at the silent auction (maybe someone can pick up a Mr.Beaumont of their own!), and eat yummy dinner, drink cocktails, and get some sort of entertainment that sounds neat.

So I was wondering if I shoudl do a table, and then invite coworkers and other friends to join us, if they'd like to.

But how inappropriate is that, do you think? I was considering sending out an email, but I don't know if it' totally tacky or not.

What say you, readers?

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

The Boot Saga

For those that are interested in how the boot issue with Nordstrom went down, here's what happened:

I returned the boots.

This was the boot in question:

Looks black, right? Not very brown at. all. EXACTLY!

But when it arrived at my house, shoe looked brown, yo. I took them out to Leo and asked him, "What color are these boots?" And he immediately replied, "Brown." So there you have it. Irrefutable proof. Men don't fuck around with this sort of shit, dammit.

They were also a little tight, and while I could have managed to put up with the breaking them in had they been the right color, since they were the WRONG color (and they cost so damned much money), I couldn't justify keeping them.

Leo happened to need some new workout shoes this week, anyway. So we went to DSW to use our rewards we'd earned, and to get him a new pair of tennies. And while we were there, I just wandered on over to the boot section.

Where I found these little guys...
And I tried them on, and they felt MAGICAL. And they looked exactly the way I wanted them to (except for the giant buckle...I could do without that, but it's kind of in right now, so whatever), and they cost $50.


And I had a $10 off reward coupon.


So I returned the Rag & Bone boots to Nordstrom (where they were very gracious, as usual, even though they insisted that they were black boots...which they were not, dammit!), and all is well in my closet again.

Now I just need 60 degree weather, and I'll be all set to go. WOO!

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

August seems a good time to update on all things Faith.

I'm in the mood to update everyone on what's going on. So here we go:

I'm ok*. That last pill I was on that was meant to try to help me with my eye twitch was unsuccessful in many ways. In fact, I think it made me gain weight, which didn't help AT ALL. So I got off of that shit, and here's the next plan of attack:
- I'm on a new med called Clonazepam. According to the drug website I just looked it up on, "It works by decreasing abnormal electrical activity in the brain." It also makes me dizzy, tired, and feel a little funky. It's basically a form of valium, so that makes sense. I'm gradually increasing my dosage, so right now, I'm just taking it in the morning (after I get to work, so as to avoid causing accidents on my way in to the office) and at night before bed. Later this week, I'll throw in the 3rd mid-day dose, which should come in handy for helping me fall asleep during afternoon meetings, but not care at all because HELLLOOOO! Valium.

- I had my MRI on Sunday. I don't know when I'll be going over the results of the test because my next follow-up appointment with my neurologist isn't until September. So we'll see how that goes. I will definitely be going through the scans again to see if the little man in my brain is still there.

How weird will it be if he is???

- I was contacted by the KU Med doctor that I've been referred to for my condition, so I could set up an appointment to go and see him. Guess when that appointment is? For those that guessed AFTER THANKSGIVING, you are the official winners. There might have been some crying after I hung up the phone with that scheduler.

*I'm really not ok. Yesterday dragged on in a way that made me want to lie down on the floor and moan about how fucking shitty this all is. And then I thought about friends that are being diagnosed with brain tumors and cervical cancer and I felt even worse about my stupid fucking problems, Because they seem so very insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and I wound up going home, crawling into the basement and falling asleep for an hour.

Primal living basically sucked. It made me hate a bunch of vegetables that I used to like a fair amount (zucchini and broccoli, in particular), and I'm just tired of trying. I eat a very small sandwich now and then for lunch. I just had a bagel and a cup of cottage cheese for breakfast. We're eating hotdogs on gluten free buns for dinner tonight. The majority of our food is still protein and vegetables. My stomach is still feeling worlds better than it did several months ago, so something must be going right in there.

I can say that living on the Primal program, or whatever you wanna call it, seems to have helped me figure out a better way to portion out my meals than anything has before. So that's a definite improvement.

My body
I'm going through one of those weird, random stages in life where I love the way I look. I love my bathing suits. I love my awesome clothes. I look like a well-dressed woman everywhere I go, and feel like people are seeing me as being confident and attractive.

It's such a weird deal because just 2 weeks ago, I was feeling like SHIT. And again, I think I have to blame that weird med that I was on. It totally fucked with my entire body, from brain to toes. I'm glad it didn't work on the facial spasms. Because staying on that stuff might've turned me into a hermit for good.

Random side note: I am having a hard time with my personal trainer again, though. She canceled last week because she was sick. And then we met on Wednesday, and had a super workout, and yay. And then we were supposed to meet on Friday but because I was taking the new medicine, I wanted to make sure that I was ok enough to be able to work out properly, so I took her up on her offer to meet on Friday evening instead of at 5:30 a.m. that day. Well, she then pushed it out to Saturday morning. And then she canceled that.


She's out of town this week, training for a new job. She's be back on Sunday, and we're supposed to meet at 11. But I think she and I need to move on. This new job is a full time one, and I know she's been wanting to move away from the training thing for a while now...not because of anything she's said, but she hates her management at the gym, and she just seems sick of it all, IMO. But firing her will be tough. I don't wanna do it! But I need someone more dedicated to pushing me. To making me stronger. To holding me accountable for my workouts!

And that's about all that's going on right now. My face twitch makes me cry. I want to sleep all the time. If I could hang out by my pool and drink apple mocktinis (with a splash of vodka) all day long, I totally would do that. I need to fire my personal trainer. And I'm looking forward to all the travel/time off that I have coming up over the next few months. Pretty exciting stuff!

Friday, August 03, 2012

Stand by my principle? Or keep the damned boots???

I saw a pair of boots in a photo in Vogue magazine a few months back that made me want a pair with a passion. I looked them up, though, and the person in the photo must've had them for a long time, as they weren't a current item available for sale anywhere.

So ever since then, I've been kind of casually just looking for something similar that would strike me the same way.

I found a pair of Rag & Bone "moto" boots on Nordstrom's website last month, and kept them in the back of my mind as an option because, while they weren't quite the same, they were close. But they were also pretty fucking expensive, and I wanted to keep looking for something that might fit the boot style I had been looking for a bit better.

Last week, I gave up. I had fallen in love with the Rag & Bone boots, and it was time to admit defeat! I ordered them in the 38EU size, in black, and waited patiently for them to arrive so I could properly asess their coolness level when they were on my feet.

Yeah, they sent me BROWN ones. Not black.

So, the thing is, they're still pretty fucking cool boots. But I wanted BLACK. I wear more black than anything else. I was picturing myself wearing the black boots with my black dresses, and my gray skirts, and my leggings, and feeling super-cool in my mind all the time with the imaginings.

So now with the brown ones...can I wear them with as many things? Not really.

So I sent the customer service people a note, telling them that I'd obviously ordered black boots, and had been sent brown ones instead, and while I really still like the boots, I would prefer the black ones please. Do they exist ANYWHERE at all???

And if they don't, I will consider keeping the brown ones, but would think it fair to ask for a 25% discount on the purchase price, since they aren't what I requested/paid for in the first place.

They wrote me back and said they were sorry, and that the black boots are all out of stock, and unfortunately, no...they cannot offer me a discount.

I should return the boots. I know I should. But DAMMIT! Dammit, dammit, daaaammmiiiit. I can't believe they made me fall in love with those fucking black awesome boots, and then just ripped them out from under me like that. ::sigh::

First world problems, yo. I know. Believe me, I KNOW.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I only cried a little bit in my neuro's office.

People have started to notice my twitching at work. They didn't say anything about it until I told them I was going to the neurologist, so maybe they felt that it was ok to speak about it openly once they heard me mention it. It's no biggy. I like all of the people I work with. I'd rather them feel comfortable with the spasming when they see it, and I think that knowing that I'm not expecting them to be able to ignore it is helpful for all of us.

One of my coworkers mentioned me being able to make an easy milkshake when he heard me talking about/saw my hand tremor. That made me laugh...he's a good dude.

My right arm has progressed in the tremors it's experiencing. My hand is constantly tremoring now. (Is tremoring a word? It's in constant tremor, is what I mean.) I told the doctor about the head-cocking thing, and he said it sounds like something called "dystonia", but he isn't sure.

He's only had one other patient with hemifacial spasms, ever, and that person's symptoms reacted well to the first med he prescribed for them. So this is all new territory for him, apparently.

He's scheduling an MRI. He's referring me to a doctor at KU Med that is apparently focussed on disorders like HFS and stuff, and is an expert at Botox treatment for this sort of stuff. He prescribed the next level of med that's supposed to have an effect on HFS, but I'll start out slow with it since it's a valium-type drug, or some shit. Yay. That should help me stay alert and perky during meetings! O_0

Hopefully, it won't be long before I can get in to see this other doctor who might know more about how to help me. Hopefully, the MRI will detect something that's treatable.

But the more I think about this shit, the worse it seems to be, so I'll stop talking about it for the time being. I'm losing my mind. I can't keep going down that path, so I need to focus on other shit for a while. If anyone knows of any weird, funky, interesting news stories I need to read to get my mind on other things going on in the world, link to them in the comments, ok? :)

Monday, July 30, 2012

I'm officially obsessed with my HFS.

I'm going to see my neurologist for a follow-up appointment tomorrow with regard to the hemifacial spasm diagnosis that he gave me the last time I went to see him.

The medicine he prescribed did pretty much nothing to help. It did a few other things (made me quite sleepy when I took it after drinking wine; gave me an antsy feeling in my ankles when I first started taking it; gave me headaches), but it never really helped at all with the twitching.

And at this point, I've developed this fun new twitch in my right hand. It happens when I'm working out, it happens when I'm typing, it happens when I'm asleep (which I'm made aware of when I wake up and my hand is in a nifty spasm episode that makes my forefinger and thumb stick together in a claw-like formation) it's pretty much all the time, and it's driving me to madness.

Actually, as of today, I'm feeling twitchy all fucking over my body. WOO! It's like I have a slight electric current running through my veins all the damned time.

Another thing that I've noticed, that I'm not sure if it's related at all, but I've started to cock my head a lot. Like, I'll be watching a movie, and suddenly realize that I have my head cocked to the right shoulder. So I correct it. And 5 minutes later, it's cocked the other way.

This also happens in meetings; when I'm laying by the pool; or when I'm hanging out at the bar with Leo.

And then there are moments like right now. Small moments that come and go, when nothing is twitching; there is no spasm; everything feels normal for a fleeting 3 or 4 minutes.

Yep! There goes the eye. AUGH!!!!!

I've been doing a lot of research about this over the last week. I've been getting very sad and teary when I think about it much, but I can't stop looking into options. I saw a commercial over the weekend for a neurology institute that's here in Kansas City (at St. Luke's), and looked that up today. I thought it was a sign that the commercial came on and I saw it for the first time when I'm going through such a hard time with this whole issue...but I think they focus more on strokes at the institute. The website didn't mention hemifacial spasms at all.

So I looked into other links. And found a video of this lovely older woman who had to have the microvascular decompression surgery (it's one of the treatments for HFS), and was talking about her experience with HFS and how much she loved her doctor for being able to help her. He's a dude at USC; I wrote his name down; I am considering contacting his office if my neurologist doesn't help me find a solution to all of this crap soon.

I'm so afraid that no one will be able to help me with this anytime soon. And it's so annoying, y'all. So, so fucking obnoxious to constantly feel yourself twitch twitch twitch all the damned livelong day (and NIGHT!). Think still thoughts for me and my face, would ya? I'll let you know what happens with the neurologist after I meet with him in the morning tomorrow...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sometimes, we have a little too much time on our hands.

Me: Do you think that we should be referring to Jake and Izzy as boyfriend/girlfriend instead of brother/sister?

Leo: No! Why?

Me: Because! They aren't related. In fact, Izzy is a bit of a cougar, just like me.

Leo: Or she's an older sister.

Me: Meh. They hump each other. They get all sad when they're separated from each other at the play place. They love each other! I think they're boyfriend/girlfriend.

Leo: They're brother and sister.

Me: Whatever, butt.

My mind is occupied with scary things lately. So conversations like this are actually refreshing ones for me to have with Leo. If you want to see why my mind is all fucked up, just go Google "hemifacial spasms" and check out the images that pop up.

I see my neurologist on Tuesday next week for a follow up to our last appointment 6 weeks ago. And I get to talk to him about CT scans, Botox, and what the FUCK we can do to make sure my face doesn't wind up becoming even more of a twisted mess than it already is. The pointer finger on my right hand has started to involuntarily twitch on a daily basis now, too.

And if there isn't a good reason behind it all, then dammit, I'm going to lose my shit.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Being a woman is so freaking *weird* sometimes!

Today, I feel matronly and un-cute.

But just two days ago, I felt super-cute and awesome.

How does that happen, huh? How do I look so fucking cute (to myself, anyway) one day, and then totally blah 24 hours later? I don't get it.

Tonight, Leo and I will be heading out with some friends to see the Tenacious D concert in midtown. I am totally excited and actually am already anticipating the sadness I'll feel when I no longer have the concert to look forward to anymore. That's just how excited I am to see them live.

I'm gonna do my best to look adorable by the time we head out. I need different shoes. And a better dress. So I have plans, at least, for making myself look better. We'll see how they pan out!

On a totally different note, I have a ladies' room issue to discuss again. Someone is consistently peeing all over the fucking seat in my favorite stall here at work. Consistently. Like, every day, bitch goes in there and makes a goddammed mess. It's like she's trying to pee while standing up on a speedboat. There is piss everygoddammwhere.

It's on the floor, too. Which begs the question, isn't she walking around in shoes she's fucking peed all over after she's done in there? Because if there's piss on the floor, then she HAS TO BE peeing on her feet, I'd imagine.

I'm at the point where I want to put up a sign. BUT. I have a strong suspicion that the offender is one of the Russian contract workers that works in a room down the hall from the ladies' room. There's one that's ALWAYS in that stall...talking to someone on her cell phone while she's in there, no less. She's gorgeous, and she's tall and skinny and has perfect fucking hair.

But she likely has piss on her shoes, so that takes away some of her magic for me, personally.

I want to put up a sign to tell the offender that if they're going to insist on pissing all over the damned place in there, then they should be ready to clean up after themselves. Or, hey, SIT DOWN! Because that is a pretty surefire way to not miss the bowl.

Will the Russian chicks know what my sign says? They must know pretty good English to be contracting at an American company, right? That's what I would think. But if anyone has any suggestions for a better way to communicate with this dirty fucking bitch, whoever she is, I'm open to suggestions.