Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Here's a gourd for your enjoyment.

The Twin sent me a text a short time ago, and asked me to please post something new, so those moth photos weren't at the top of my blog page anymore. So I'm doing the best I can. I found this gourd in the grocery store a long while back, but didn't really have any good reason to post it, I don't think. So here you go! Here's an, um, oddly shaped gourd for your viewing pleasure.

I went to a new doctor today to get some blood work done. My chiroproactor/acupuncturist referred me to her, and thought she might be able to help me get to the bottom of a lot of the issues that plague me.

She seems really well-educated. And as I walked out the office, I said, "Sorry for being such a weird case!" And she replied that she loves a challenge like me, so no problem!


Anyway, she took about 7 pints of blood from me, so hopefully they're able to find whatever the hell it is they're looking for. We're starting with a standard panel to check thyroid stuff and blood insulin levels and all that good stuff, I think, and then we'll move on from there to chck into specific food allergies, celiac testing, and to make sure I'm not descended from aliens, I guess. ::shrugs:: It was a LOT of blood. I can't imagine that an alien test isn't involved, somehow!

Good thing is that I'm feeling relatively great this week. I saw my therapist on Tuesday, and she gave me some ideas for how to journal these ups and downs I'm experiencing. Work threw a REALLY difficult task at me yesterday (trying to schedule a meeting for several - like SEVEN - VPs in a week and a half), and the coworkers that are helping me were all really quick with their responses. Home life is fun...we get to go to California next week for my 20th high school reunion from the high school that I didn't even graduate from, which I'm really looking forward to. And we should get some rain this weekend, which is soooo, soooo good for our poor trees!

Anyway, net/net, I'm doing well. It's weird. :/

Monday, August 27, 2012


THIS is why I'm terrified of moths, people!


In case you're wondering, I'm never leaving the house again, thanks. Holy fucking shit...

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The drug conundrum

My appointment with the therapist went well. She didn't hide behind anything (there wasn't even a ficus in her office!), she was calm and mellow and we talked family history mostly, of course. I'll see her again next week.

Ok, that said, I had to literally tear myself away from my basement this morning. Walking back up the steps after finishing breakfast was like hiking a mountain. Leo and I cried together last night because we were talking about how to deal with me being so sad that I can't even enjoy silly banter that's normal between husband and wife (i.e. of a sexy nature) without taking it personally and feeling attacked for not wanting to have sex right now.

(He's SUCH a good man, by the way. Best husband EVER.)

Anyway, looking up some side effects of this new drug, clonazepam, that I'm on for the hemifacial spasm makes it clear that I'm experiencing one of the "severe" effects of dysphoria. I'm afraid that if I continue to take it, I'll get even worse.

But it's the only thing that's even slightly worked on my spasms! They've gone down to a minimal level now, and I barely even think about them anymore! So the drug! It works!!!

But the drug! It also causes me to be severely depressed!!!


Oh hai, double-edged sword. Thanks for coming to my already really stupid fucking party! Can you please leave now???

If I stop taking the drug, I'll get the spasms back. The spasms made me so sad, I didn't know how to function anymore on not just a daily basis, but on a minute to minute basis.

If I keep taking the drug, I might wind up catatonic in my basement. (Which, given, is a very nice basement, and a good place to go catatonic in, I think. If one has to be catatonic.)

I'm calling my doctor later. But, dammit. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

That is all.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I feel bad for her already!

Today, I head in to see the therapist that my company referred me to when I called last week for help.

Today is another very bad day. I don't know how I'm going to keep from bursting into tears as soon as I walk in her door, but I suppose she's trained for that sort of thing, right? Like, if she cowers in a corner behind a ficus tree as I explain everything that's been going on in my brain lately, that's a sign that she and I shouldn't work together, correct?

Many times today, I've felt like lying down on the ground and just crying my eyes out.

Many times today, I've had to hold back from crying at my desk, and instead just take deep breaths as I cover my eyes, and wait for it to pass.

Many times today, I've wondered if I need to be hospitalized. Or if this is just a normal level of depression I'm feeling, and OHMYDEARGOD, can it get even worse???

I've thought about driving to the airport, buying a ticket to California, and calling the twin to come pick me up when I arrive.

I've thought seriously about driving to Ohio to eat lunch with some friends on Thursday, because...well, there's a whole long story to go along with that, but anyway, it's something I've been thinking about.

And I've thought about just going back home, too. Just sitting in my basement, and then going up to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and then waking up tomorrow and going back into the basement for the day...

That's what I did yesterday. I worked my butt off, don't get me wrong! My bosses were needy dudes yesterday. Which was fine. But I worked, and then I went up and did dishes for 20 minutes, and then I went back to work. I ate a bowl of popcorn for lunch, because it was what I fucking wanted to eat, for some reason. And then at about 2, I got on the treadmill and walked for 30 minutes, up and down hills that I created for myself. And then I rested with the puppies before I showered, and then went to see my chiropractor at 5:15, as is usual for a Monday. (He looked at my eye, and just let his eyes get real wide, and kind of...didn't know what to say, I guess. And then I finally realized what he was doing, and I was all, "OH, that! Yeah, woke up Sunday morning with a blown blood vessel in my eye, and have no idea how it happened. Fun, huh?" And then he CRACKED my back, which was awesome, as usual.)

Anyway, it should be an interesting meeting for this poor, unsuspecting therapist.

Although, I suppose that if she didn't expect to meet with people as fucked up as I am right now, she should probly find a different career, eh?

I'll report back on how it goes.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Good thing I'm working from home, eh?

Um, somehow I blew out a vein in my right eye while I was sleeping on Saturday night.

I just woke up, and BOOM. Pretty.

Today I'm working from home because, well, I'm old, and the weekend almost killed me. So I can work, but need the opportunity for naps and the like. And then there's this whole blown out eyeball issue...

Just in case it helps at all, I'm wearing my glasses today to give my eyeballs a rest. I don't know that it's actually helping. When we looked up how long it might take to heal, it said it could be 10 - 14 DAYS.
I feel so fucking pretty. ::sigh:: And it's not even like I DID anything to cause it! The fuck? My body is so awesome. /sarcasm

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Better days.

Yesterday was a better day than the day before.

Today feels even better still. Maybe it's because I only have a half day of work, and then pedicures and BBQ, and then some shopping and people-watching later this afternoon on the Plaza.

I almost feel manic, if that makes any sense. Like, the level of downness I was feeling 2 days ago was so overwhelming.

But then it just sort of drifted away. The pit didn't feel so deep. Smiling was easier to do.

Anyway, I appreciate all the kind words and feedback from those of you who took the time to help me out. I'll keep you posted on how the therapy appointment goes next week. I'm also going in for some bloodwork tomorrow to check adrenal functions and other things through a referal that my chiropractor/acupuncture dude gave me...he thinks it will really help me to identify what's happening internally due to what is happening externally, like with my diet and my exercise, and all that good stuff. I don't think it can hurt, so we'll see how that turns out.

Thank you, though. I really appreciate you all so, soo much. :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The pit gets deeper.

I feel like I'm in a pit that I can't crawl out of.

Today, I finally reached out to the helpline that my company offers its employees so I can find help with getting counseling. I set up an appointment for next week, and I feel like now that I've accomplished that, I can just go ahead and go to sleep until then.

I keep working through the pain I'm feeling, though. Laughing at my bosses (because they are genuinely funny!), being as pleasant to people as possible, helping out whenever I'm asked to help out with something. (Within reason, of course. Don't ask me to help you do an oil change on your car. Not unless you want a really broken car at the end of the process!)

I want to cry, and cry, and sleep, and cry. And I can't. I have to keep pretending to be fine.

Leo and I have visitors coming in from out of town this weekend, and I'm so excited about seeing them and entertaining them and having good times while they're here!

But all the same, I'll be in that damned pit while I'm doing it. Hoping they don't notice my flinching and spasming and the quick moments of teared up eyes.

One of the ways I'm coping is by shopping online. I'm trying to keep it reasonable, because I notice it as a coping mechanism for myself, so I need to keep it as controlled as possible. The day before yesterday, I bought some stuff from the Gap. And then I bought a calendar and a luggage tag (both Anne Taintor) yesterday. And today I bought some items that are on sale at West Elm.

Oh, and today I also bought some relatively expensive tickets for a Chiefs vs Chargers game at the end of September. I started out by looking into how much it would cost to buy one of their lower end boxes at the stadium for the season. And I look forward to using that for a good laugh with Leo tonight when we're hanging out, because NO. Hahahahahahahahanonononono...I feel bad for the sales guy that I spoke to because he sounded like a genuinely nice person. And I definitely plan on working on not laughing at him when I talk to him again about that not being the right option for my family at this time, but thanking him for sending me the information.

If anyone wants to go in on a box at the stadium, though, let me know. That seems like a more reasonable way to do it. Kind of like buying a condo in a vacationey-type area with family members, and then sharing it from week to week. Because, srsly...buying a box at the stadium is like buying a 2nd house. And I'd rather do that, to be quite honest!

I'm sure this sales guy is used to fuckers like me emailing for more info, and then never hearing from them again, though. They don't put any info out on the Chiefs website about the costs associated with the boxes. It's really terribly put together, IMO. Had they had even just a few of the numbers available in a standard search point on the site, he'd never have had to bother with me.

Oh well! I'm sure he'll understand. /oddest segue evar

I'm trying to focus on the good, though. I really am. The pit is just getting so fucking deep, is all. And I'm afraid of what the answer is to getting out of it. I'm thinking I'm going to have to take a leave of absence from my work, is the thing. It's just sucking the life out of me to have to sit here and feel the twitch twitch twitch all the goddammed time, and to not be able to scream away the pain of the annoyance. I need some time to try to heal. And to try to do more - yoga, pilates, workouts, medicine, WHATEVER - to try to get the twitch to abate even just a little bit.

God, you all must be so tired of hearing about this anymore. I'm so sorry...blah.

Monday, August 13, 2012

The needles...they are powerful in their healing.

I had McDonald's for lunch. Just my regular two hamburgers and a medium fry. I simply do not care today. I'm so tired, I went home and took a 40 minute nap at lunchtime, and needed something quick on my way back to the office.

I figure that my acupuncturist can clear the McD's out of my chi when I see him this afternoon, anyway.

Yes, he really is THAT GOOD. Be jealous! :P

Friday, August 10, 2012

Sometimes, she really can be quite a bitch.

No, Izzy. When I got up to go to the bathroom during a movie break, that was not your cue to steal my spot on the couch!

And trying to steal my KU snuggie, to boot! ::gasp!:: Evil, evil puppeh...trying to look all innocent and shit.

And of course, I just wanna snuggle the shit outta her. Our dogs are so fucking spoiled!

Happy weekend, everyone. I hope the weather where you are is supposed to be as fabulous as ours is where we are!

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Is this inappropriate?

So I'm trying to work my way into more charity events in town lately. It's a new thing for me to actually attend the events in a capacity aside from volunteering to help run them, so I don't really know how to handle the other side of the "curtain", if you will.

For example, there's a party that's coming up pretty quickly, called the KC Hospice House Angel Gala, on Saturday 8/25. I just heard about it today, because my company has a volunteer group that helps out with events like this, and they were advertising their need for volunteers on our intranet this morning.

I decided to look into what it would take to attend the gala as a guest.

Now, Leo and I can buy single tickets and attend on our own, which seems easy enough, but we can also buy a table for 10, and invite guests to join us at the gala.

Which sounds like fun! People get to dress up a little (cocktail attire), and bid for things at the silent auction (maybe someone can pick up a Mr.Beaumont of their own!), and eat yummy dinner, drink cocktails, and get some sort of entertainment that sounds neat.

So I was wondering if I shoudl do a table, and then invite coworkers and other friends to join us, if they'd like to.

But how inappropriate is that, do you think? I was considering sending out an email, but I don't know if it' totally tacky or not.

What say you, readers?

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

The Boot Saga

For those that are interested in how the boot issue with Nordstrom went down, here's what happened:

I returned the boots.

This was the boot in question:

Looks black, right? Not very brown at. all. EXACTLY!

But when it arrived at my house, shoe looked brown, yo. I took them out to Leo and asked him, "What color are these boots?" And he immediately replied, "Brown." So there you have it. Irrefutable proof. Men don't fuck around with this sort of shit, dammit.

They were also a little tight, and while I could have managed to put up with the breaking them in had they been the right color, since they were the WRONG color (and they cost so damned much money), I couldn't justify keeping them.

Leo happened to need some new workout shoes this week, anyway. So we went to DSW to use our rewards we'd earned, and to get him a new pair of tennies. And while we were there, I just wandered on over to the boot section.

Where I found these little guys...
And I tried them on, and they felt MAGICAL. And they looked exactly the way I wanted them to (except for the giant buckle...I could do without that, but it's kind of in right now, so whatever), and they cost $50.


And I had a $10 off reward coupon.


So I returned the Rag & Bone boots to Nordstrom (where they were very gracious, as usual, even though they insisted that they were black boots...which they were not, dammit!), and all is well in my closet again.

Now I just need 60 degree weather, and I'll be all set to go. WOO!

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

August seems a good time to update on all things Faith.

I'm in the mood to update everyone on what's going on. So here we go:

I'm ok*. That last pill I was on that was meant to try to help me with my eye twitch was unsuccessful in many ways. In fact, I think it made me gain weight, which didn't help AT ALL. So I got off of that shit, and here's the next plan of attack:
- I'm on a new med called Clonazepam. According to the drug website I just looked it up on, "It works by decreasing abnormal electrical activity in the brain." It also makes me dizzy, tired, and feel a little funky. It's basically a form of valium, so that makes sense. I'm gradually increasing my dosage, so right now, I'm just taking it in the morning (after I get to work, so as to avoid causing accidents on my way in to the office) and at night before bed. Later this week, I'll throw in the 3rd mid-day dose, which should come in handy for helping me fall asleep during afternoon meetings, but not care at all because HELLLOOOO! Valium.

- I had my MRI on Sunday. I don't know when I'll be going over the results of the test because my next follow-up appointment with my neurologist isn't until September. So we'll see how that goes. I will definitely be going through the scans again to see if the little man in my brain is still there.

How weird will it be if he is???

- I was contacted by the KU Med doctor that I've been referred to for my condition, so I could set up an appointment to go and see him. Guess when that appointment is? For those that guessed AFTER THANKSGIVING, you are the official winners. There might have been some crying after I hung up the phone with that scheduler.

*I'm really not ok. Yesterday dragged on in a way that made me want to lie down on the floor and moan about how fucking shitty this all is. And then I thought about friends that are being diagnosed with brain tumors and cervical cancer and I felt even worse about my stupid fucking problems, Because they seem so very insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and I wound up going home, crawling into the basement and falling asleep for an hour.

Primal living basically sucked. It made me hate a bunch of vegetables that I used to like a fair amount (zucchini and broccoli, in particular), and I'm just tired of trying. I eat a very small sandwich now and then for lunch. I just had a bagel and a cup of cottage cheese for breakfast. We're eating hotdogs on gluten free buns for dinner tonight. The majority of our food is still protein and vegetables. My stomach is still feeling worlds better than it did several months ago, so something must be going right in there.

I can say that living on the Primal program, or whatever you wanna call it, seems to have helped me figure out a better way to portion out my meals than anything has before. So that's a definite improvement.

My body
I'm going through one of those weird, random stages in life where I love the way I look. I love my bathing suits. I love my awesome clothes. I look like a well-dressed woman everywhere I go, and feel like people are seeing me as being confident and attractive.

It's such a weird deal because just 2 weeks ago, I was feeling like SHIT. And again, I think I have to blame that weird med that I was on. It totally fucked with my entire body, from brain to toes. I'm glad it didn't work on the facial spasms. Because staying on that stuff might've turned me into a hermit for good.

Random side note: I am having a hard time with my personal trainer again, though. She canceled last week because she was sick. And then we met on Wednesday, and had a super workout, and yay. And then we were supposed to meet on Friday but because I was taking the new medicine, I wanted to make sure that I was ok enough to be able to work out properly, so I took her up on her offer to meet on Friday evening instead of at 5:30 a.m. that day. Well, she then pushed it out to Saturday morning. And then she canceled that.


She's out of town this week, training for a new job. She's be back on Sunday, and we're supposed to meet at 11. But I think she and I need to move on. This new job is a full time one, and I know she's been wanting to move away from the training thing for a while now...not because of anything she's said, but she hates her management at the gym, and she just seems sick of it all, IMO. But firing her will be tough. I don't wanna do it! But I need someone more dedicated to pushing me. To making me stronger. To holding me accountable for my workouts!

And that's about all that's going on right now. My face twitch makes me cry. I want to sleep all the time. If I could hang out by my pool and drink apple mocktinis (with a splash of vodka) all day long, I totally would do that. I need to fire my personal trainer. And I'm looking forward to all the travel/time off that I have coming up over the next few months. Pretty exciting stuff!

Friday, August 03, 2012

Stand by my principle? Or keep the damned boots???

I saw a pair of boots in a photo in Vogue magazine a few months back that made me want a pair with a passion. I looked them up, though, and the person in the photo must've had them for a long time, as they weren't a current item available for sale anywhere.

So ever since then, I've been kind of casually just looking for something similar that would strike me the same way.

I found a pair of Rag & Bone "moto" boots on Nordstrom's website last month, and kept them in the back of my mind as an option because, while they weren't quite the same, they were close. But they were also pretty fucking expensive, and I wanted to keep looking for something that might fit the boot style I had been looking for a bit better.

Last week, I gave up. I had fallen in love with the Rag & Bone boots, and it was time to admit defeat! I ordered them in the 38EU size, in black, and waited patiently for them to arrive so I could properly asess their coolness level when they were on my feet.

Yeah, they sent me BROWN ones. Not black.

So, the thing is, they're still pretty fucking cool boots. But I wanted BLACK. I wear more black than anything else. I was picturing myself wearing the black boots with my black dresses, and my gray skirts, and my leggings, and feeling super-cool in my mind all the time with the imaginings.

So now with the brown ones...can I wear them with as many things? Not really.

So I sent the customer service people a note, telling them that I'd obviously ordered black boots, and had been sent brown ones instead, and while I really still like the boots, I would prefer the black ones please. Do they exist ANYWHERE at all???

And if they don't, I will consider keeping the brown ones, but would think it fair to ask for a 25% discount on the purchase price, since they aren't what I requested/paid for in the first place.

They wrote me back and said they were sorry, and that the black boots are all out of stock, and unfortunately, no...they cannot offer me a discount.

I should return the boots. I know I should. But DAMMIT! Dammit, dammit, daaaammmiiiit. I can't believe they made me fall in love with those fucking black awesome boots, and then just ripped them out from under me like that. ::sigh::

First world problems, yo. I know. Believe me, I KNOW.