Today, I head in to see the therapist that my company referred me to when I called last week for help.
Today is another very bad day. I don't know how I'm going to keep from bursting into tears as soon as I walk in her door, but I suppose she's trained for that sort of thing, right? Like, if she cowers in a corner behind a ficus tree as I explain everything that's been going on in my brain lately, that's a sign that she and I shouldn't work together, correct?
Many times today, I've felt like lying down on the ground and just crying my eyes out.
Many times today, I've had to hold back from crying at my desk, and instead just take deep breaths as I cover my eyes, and wait for it to pass.
Many times today, I've wondered if I need to be hospitalized. Or if this is just a normal level of depression I'm feeling, and OHMYDEARGOD, can it get even worse???
I've thought about driving to the airport, buying a ticket to California, and calling the twin to come pick me up when I arrive.
I've thought seriously about driving to Ohio to eat lunch with some friends on Thursday, because...well, there's a whole long story to go along with that, but anyway, it's something I've been thinking about.
And I've thought about just going back home, too. Just sitting in my basement, and then going up to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and then waking up tomorrow and going back into the basement for the day...
That's what I did yesterday. I worked my butt off, don't get me wrong! My bosses were needy dudes yesterday. Which was fine. But I worked, and then I went up and did dishes for 20 minutes, and then I went back to work. I ate a bowl of popcorn for lunch, because it was what I fucking wanted to eat, for some reason. And then at about 2, I got on the treadmill and walked for 30 minutes, up and down hills that I created for myself. And then I rested with the puppies before I showered, and then went to see my chiropractor at 5:15, as is usual for a Monday. (He looked at my eye, and just let his eyes get real wide, and kind of...didn't know what to say, I guess. And then I finally realized what he was doing, and I was all, "OH, that! Yeah, woke up Sunday morning with a blown blood vessel in my eye, and have no idea how it happened. Fun, huh?" And then he CRACKED my back, which was awesome, as usual.)
Anyway, it should be an interesting meeting for this poor, unsuspecting therapist.
Although, I suppose that if she didn't expect to meet with people as fucked up as I am right now, she should probly find a different career, eh?
I'll report back on how it goes.